


The Psychiatrist Series (Rewritten)

by Babybucky1943



Category: Marvel
Genre: Baby brothers, Baby sister Serenity, Confusion, F/M, Gen, Incontinence, Jealous Bucky, OFC Lily Stark baby stark, Programming, Recovery failures, Regressed Bucky, The Asset - Freeform, Toddler Bucky, Wet/ messy diapers, caregiver steve, psychiatric care, romance between caregiver and doctor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-01-01 13:00:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 109,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18334901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babybucky1943/pseuds/Babybucky1943
Summary: Steve and Bucky’s fight on the helicarrier leads to all kinds of stuff Steve never expectedI wanted to rewrite this to make it better. My apologies for losing kudos and comments on the other one. I love all my readers.NEW Epilogue started at chapter 21. New content.





	1. The War Within

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ShootingStar13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShootingStar13/gifts), [LokiLaufeyson88](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=LokiLaufeyson88), [casgirl1993](https://archiveofourown.org/users/casgirl1993/gifts).



Steve Rogers faced the man that had once been his best friend. “I’m not fighting you anymore, Bucky. You’re my friend.”

Bucky Barnes paused a moment. He didn’t have friends. Only missions. He drove his metal fist into the man’s bloodied face rhythmically. “You’re!....My!....Mission!”

“Then finish it,” Steve whispered through cracked lips. “Because I’m with you to the end of the line.”

Bucky paused, memories of a smaller man saying it to him, and maybe even this man, making his brain twist painfully. The garish red, blue and white jumpsuit the man wore was also knocking at his memories. Something about the outfit screamed World Warll.He didn’t know why. Garbled images that made no sense flashed through his mind.

Angry at not being able to make sense of it, he gave one final blow, knocking his assailant out, then sending the unconscious man plunging into the deep ,dark water of the Potomac below.

The helicarrier tipped dangerously and he scrambled to hold on. He had to report. Mission complete. He looked where the man had fallen. He was supposed to kill Steve Rogers. What had stopped him from landing a killing blow? Even though the man had disappeared under the swirling waves, the images remained. End of the line. Train. End of the line. Friend. What did it mean? He screamed fitfully, tearing at his hair.

With purpose, he jumped and got into position to hit the water. It was cold. But it didn’t matter. Temperature wasn’t something that he allowed to distract him.

He had to report to his handler. A completed mission would be rewarded.

In the water, he stayed tucked until the plunge was done. His hair swirled into his face. He saw the man in the blue and white. His body rocked gently with the current of the river.

The mission wasn’t complete yet. Steve Rogers still lived. As long as he was alive, he could answer the confusing questions.

He grabbed the body and swam strongly to the shore. He made up his mind to ask him.

He dropped the man on the shore, staring at him. The Winter Soldier’s mission was done. He had failed. Again. The second time in a week.

He couldn’t kill Steve Rogers and he wanted to know why! He looked around for his handler but the remote shore was empty. His handler was supposed to leash him immediately after a mission.

He forgot about his handler when he saw the dark skinned man whose wings he’d broken come running. “Steve?!”

He melted back to watch. Where would he take the unconscious man?

The man took his phone and called someplace called “911”.

Bucky understood that they were taking the man to the hospital when he saw the ambulance come.

He stayed alone in the city streets until the next night, intent only on finding the answers to his questions. 

He snuck into the hospital and soon found the man’s room.

The dark skinned man was sleeping in the chair beside the hospital bed.

Steve Rogers was alive. He had his eyes closed but he was breathing well. Bucky stared at him, willing him to wake up but he didn’t. He was about to leavewhen he was distracted by the man coughing.

Steve moved gingerly, groaning softly at the pain in his entire body.

“End of the line,” Bucky demanded in a low voice. He wanted to know what it meant. Now!

Steve looked shocked to see him. “Bucky! What are you doing here?”

“Till the end of the line,” he repeated. “Meaning?”

Steve looked at Bucky through his bruised eyes. “That was our promise to each other,” he answered slowly, trying to make sense of what he was seeing.

“Promise,” Bucky repeated thenlooked at him without any expression. “Mission failed.”

Steve half sat up, wincing. “You failed?”

Bucky looked at him, tight lipped. “Was sent to kill Steve Rogers. Couldn’t do it. Why?” He demanded.

Steve was starting to wonder if he was hallucinating.“I-I’m not sure, Buck. We’ve been friends a long time.”

“Buck?” The Winter Soldier questioned bluntly.

Steve sighed. “Your nickname.”

Bucky looked so confused, Steve didn’t know how to explain.“Never mind.”

Sam started to stir and Bucky went rigid, looking around quickly. “Can’t talk here. We’ll go.”

“Uh...I can’t just leave.” Steve started to protest but it was no use.

Bucky pickedhim up over his shoulder and started off.Steve groaned again as the movement made his body ache. “I should probably let Sam know,” Steve said.

Bucky ignored him as he walked quickly and smoothly towards someplace that he could be alone with this man.

Steve was wondering what was happening. Where was Bucky taking him?

With highly trained skill, Bucky escaped the hospital without detection and started off at a quick jaunt towards a nearby hotel. 

Steve was thankful for the serum! It was working and he could deal with the pain of the gentle motions.

Bucky didn’t even bother going through the front doors. He produced a card key then carried him up three flights of back stairs, opened the correct room door and closed it. He lay his burden on the bed and then stood there. Waiting.

Steve lay on the bed in the hotel room wondering what the hell had just happened. His aching body slowly relaxed and he felt the pain ease.

He remembered Bucky had pulled him from the river a few days ago. Now, he’d suddenly been at the hospital with no explanation whatsoever, breaking Steve out and taking him to this hotel room. Steve looked at him. His head hurt. Bucky was obviously waiting for something.

“Hey,” Steve said quietly. “You had a question?”

“Couldn’t kill Steve Rogers,” Bucky said, pacing the room.

Steve wished he had an answer for the distraught soldier. He didn’t know exactly what the question was.

At one time this had been his best friend but not right now.

Bucky was still standing there.

Steve noticed that his pants were wet. “You go for another swim?” He asked. His hospital gown wasn’t great either but at least he was warm and dry.

“Why don’t you take your clothes off?” He asked. “We’ll get cleaned up.”

Bucky frowned in confusion again, but said nothing.

Steve patted the bed beside him. “Come sit.”

Bucky did so hesitantly, flinching back as Steve’s hand brushed his cheek when he pulled his shirt off.

Steve noted the white scars running across his chest and the awful scarring on his left shoulder.

Bucky’s expression had returned to the blank stare. Steve got him to stand up so he could work down the wet tactical pants. He couldn’t help but stare. “Oh Buck,” He said softly. “What did they do to you?”

Under his pants was a diaper, overfull and obviously leaking, leading to the wet pants.

Steve didn’t feel well enough to deal with this on his own. He hesitantly pulled the tapes off and the diaper hit the floor with a squishy thud.

Bucky didn’t like being naked. He whimpered softly before biting his hand to stop it. The vulnerability made him ache with tension. Being naked never led to anything good. He stood there, goose bumps crawling up his skin from being wet and cold and nervous. He was going to be punished.

Watching Bucky’s distress made Steve want to cry. “Why don’t you use the toilet?” He suggested. “Then we’ll get into bed. I need to rest.” He wondered if Bucky had been wearing this diaper since his mission started. Missions could get long. Poor guy. Hopefully he would use the toilet and then he could sleep.

Bucky looked at him without blinking. They didn’t give him toilet privileges. “Not allowed,” he said in a low voice.

Steve frowned. “Why? Look, here you can, okay?” He took his hand and led him to the bathroom. “Watch, it’s easy,” he said. He had to go anyway. He showed him how to pee standing up.

Bucky shrugged.

“See? Easy.” Steve encouraged.

Bucky didn’t move. When he heard the sound ofSteve pissing, he started urinating. Once he’dpeed on the floor, leaving a puddle, he left the bathroom without a word.

Steve let it go. As hewiped up the floor with a towel, he noted that he was starting to feel better. The serum was working. He tossed the towel in the tub.

He considered Bucky’s toileting habits, or lack thereof. Hydra obviously had some weird ways of dealing with stuff. At least his bladder was empty right now.

Steve washed his hands and came back to the bedroom part of the hotel room. Bucky was still standing in the middle of the room, stiff, arms wrapped around his middle.

Steve felt the anxious tension like a choking force. He had to do something. He picked up the phone to call the one person whose number he could think of off hand.

“Nat, I need help.”

Natasha Romanov almost yelled into the phone. “Where the hell are you?? Sam is having a conniption and Tony’s ready to call a PI!”

“Can’t explain right now. I need you to come here. I need help. “

She took a deep breath. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah I am,” he reassured. “I just need you to bring me a couple sets of clothes and I need you toget some stuff for me. ASAP.” He gave her the name of the hotel where they were and waited anxiously for her to show up. He watched Bucky pace, hoping he wouldn’t pee on the floor.

When Natasha got there, Steve answered the door.

“What the hell!?!” She exclaimed. “You can’t just leave a hospital, Steve!”

“I didn’t exactly just leave.” He grimaced.

She scowled. “Then what exactly happened, Rogers?”

He pulled her inside.

Natasha stared in shocked wonder at the naked man in the middle of the room.“He..?”

Steve nodded. “He kinda came and got me. And I need stuff for him. Fast.”

Natasha looked him over. Despite the scars and the cold ,lifeless look in his eyes, he was still beautiful. She couldn’t stop her eyes from travelling the full length of his body. “You need clothes for him, Steve?”

“I need......diapers,” Steve said slowly. “He doesn’t use the toilet.”

A look of understanding crossed her face. “Okay. What else?” She looked him over with a calculating eye. “He needs IV supplement bags.”

“What?” Steve asked.

Nat pointed to a small device in his flesh arm. “ He gets fed through IV. That’s what that is.

Steve sighed. “Great. How’m I supposed to get that?”

“I’ll help,” she promised. “I know a guy.” She disappeared, leaving Steve to try and fill the awkward silence with more awkward questions. Bucky just shook his head.

The pharmacy down the street had diapers, and she also got some snacks in case Steve got hungry. Her guy came through for the IV bags, giving her enough for twenty four hours.

She pulled a diaper out of the bag, holding it out to Bucky.

Bucky lay down on the floor and waited for her. He was cold and didn’t mind being covered again.

She nodded. “I guess I’m doing it.”

The white plastic diaper was thickly padded. It should last all night. “Let’s get you diapered.” She smiled at the assassin.

The woman was gentle but worked quickly.“All better, Soldat?” She asked, using the Russian word for soldier. 

What was better? He didn’t answer questions and he didn’t understand what she meant. He didn’tlike questions. Had had his fill of questions from the blonde man on the bed already.

Bucky got up and stood beside the bed, staring at Steve. He patted his right arm.

Steve frowned. “What does that mean?”

He patted it again. It had been 26 hours since his last nutrition intake. He needed it.He was starting to feel weak. He was only allowed to ask after 15 hours. He was supposed to be fed every four hours but on a mission it was often longer. 

The IV plug in his arm was there for his regular feeding. He patted his arm again.

Nat watched the exchange quietly. “I think he’s saying he needs his IV bag.” She came over to him. “Hungry?”

He nodded quickly.

She cleaned the plug and showed Steve how to attach the bag, noting Bucky’s relief. “I’ll stick around till tomorrow to help. I know a guy who can get this stuff and I’ll make sure to get more.”

Bucky sat down once it was on, and appeared to be relaxed, although Steve could still sense the tension coiled tightly inside him.

Being a soldier, he had learned to read situations and people quickly and quietly.

Bucky knew the redhead, but he didn’ttrust the woman completely. He had failed that mission too, many years ago. She seemed safe enough right now. She was watching him so he stared back.

Steve was reading the instructions on the IV bag. “It says every four hours. Does that mean at night too?”

“Hydra probably had him in cryo in between,” Nat said. “You might wanna talk to a doctor and ask.”

“I’ll do that,” he answered. “For now I’ll just do every four hours.” He looked at the time and set his watch alarm. “I’m starting to feel better. You don’t have to stay Nat.”

Natasha was still watching Bucky openly, wondering how he had slipped his handlers’ noose.“I don’t mind.”

Silence engulfed them then until Natasha asked,

“What are you going to do with him?”

Steve looked up. He hadn’t actually considered it past the next few hours. “I’m not sure. I’m gonna try and help him. He’s still Bucky.”

Nat mulled that over for awhile. “You sure? He tried to kill you. Twice. His programming probably runs pretty deep.”

“I don’t care,” Steve said stubbornly. “He didn’t kill me. I’m not letting him go back to someone who wants to hurt him. Tomorrow I’m taking him back to Brooklyn.”

“I think you might be crazy,” she chuckled.

He smiled. “Yeah, maybe. Seriously Tash. Thanks for coming and bringing all this stuff.”

She shrugged. “I’ll help when I can.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes before Natasha left . “Call if you need me,” she said. “I know this guy.”

Steve locked the door and turned back. The silence in the room was stifling.

Bucky just sat there, watching him through half lidded eyes.

Steve watched Bucky’s face for any sign that his friend was somewhere inside that cold, icy glare.

“Done,” Bucky said, holding out his arm, and the empty bag. He felt much better.

Steve gently unlocked the bag and put the lock on the plug like Nat had showed him. “I’ll give you another one in four hours.”

Bucky didn’t respond vocally but gave a curt nod. He would need it after the long fast.

“Are you ready for bed?” Steve asked. He needed to sleep or at least rest.

Bucky gave him a steady look. Bed. What did he mean?? Now wasn’t the right time to use Bucky’s body. Evening feedings were always followed by soiled diapers.

Steve went into the bathroom and emptied his bladder one more time, hoping he wouldn’t pee the bed. His stress level was way up. He still struggled with nocturnal enuresis every so often. But then again, chances of sleeping were low. He glanced at the bag of diapers. He could... 

He shook his head then folded back the blankets on the bed and lay down. “Come on Bucky. You must be tired too.”

Bucky eyed the bed. Steve wanted to rest. He was rarely allowed into a real bed. Was this Steve going to punish him for something? Perhaps trying to kill him? Bucky hadn’t known then that Steve Rogers would be assigned to be his new handler.

He was patting the bed waiting for Bucky to lay down. Bucky lay down stiffly beside him, waiting for Steve to either touch him or attack him but he did neither.

Steve wanted to wrap his arms around Bucky but he resisted. Bucky didn’t know him anymore. Hell. He didn’t even know who he was.

“Who the hell is Bucky”. The phrase played over and over in Steve’s mind since the day on the bridge. The day his world turned upside down.

He’d recognized Bucky, on the bridge, but Bucky hadn’t known him. Steve had understood in that moment that Hydra had gotten him after he fell, turned him into the Winter Soldier, and sent him to kill Steve. The fact that he hadn’t been able to, that something had stopped him, twice, made Steve also wonder why. He felt the solidness of Bucky’s metal prosthetic next to his.

Bucky fidgeted just slightly.

His stomach cramped and he felt the subtle urge. Uttering a soft grunt, he did his business. It didn’t take much effort.

With the IV feedings, there was little substance to his bowel movements.He blushed a bit as he remembered the reactions of most new handlers and agents. Would Steve make a big deal out of it?

Steve looked at him when he moved and heard him grunt again.“Are you....oh..” He realized what had just happened. “Hey Buck. Did you just mess your diaper?”

Bucky didn’t say anything, just blushed a little.

Steve got up again and pulled a clean diaper from the bag.Bucky obviously wasn’t toilet trained at all anymore. Poor Bucky.He’d always taken such pride in being so well put together.

He also remembered how caring he had been many years ago when Steve couldn’t control his bed wetting and Bucky had always helpedhim change with gentle caring hands. He would do no less now when his best friend needed him to do this as well.

Once he was in a clean, dry diaper again, Steve lay down on his side of the bed, aching with exhaustion.

When his alarm went off he realized he’d dozed and it took him a moment to remember what was going on.

He jumped and nearly did wet himself when he saw Bucky standing there, staring at him. “Oh god,Buck! You scared me!”

He looked into the deep blue of Bucky’s eyes, trying to read what was going through the assassin’s mind.

All he saw was the shuttered look from last night. Like a closed door. He was only there in this hotel because Steve had said words that had triggered his memories. He needed answers.

Steve shuddered. He wished he knew what exactly Bucky needed to open up to him but he knew wishing was about as helpful as a hyperactive toddler in the kitchen. It was better just to take a situation in hand and do it.

“I gotta pee then I’ll put your IV bag on,” he said, heading to the bathroom.

“Pee,” Bucky echoed, watching Steve walk to the bathroom. Hehadn’t intended to scare his new handler.

He knew Steve was his appointed handler. He had taken care of him yesterday. That was reserved for handlers. He didn’t know how his orders had gotten so messed up! He needed maintenance! Steve hadn’t shown him a leash, however. If he had, Bucky wouldn’t have tried to kill him. Handlers also usually took their reward from him for putting up with his care which was disgusting. Steve still hadn’t done that. Handlers liked to use him for their own pleasure. Maybe he was waiting till Bucky was unprepared. That wasn’t going to happen. He would watch and wait.

He was somewhat distracted when he heard Steve pee into the toilet. The sound made him wet himself again too. He was so wet. He wondered why that happened. He couldn’t recall ever seeing or hearing his handlers use the bathroom. The commander had once used a urinal in front of him but that was when his bladder was empty. Didn’t Steve know that turning his back left him vulnerable? Bucky could have escaped or worse, attacked him. He hadn’t because.....well, because Steve was going to feed him. He was also very hungry.

Steve washed his hands and prepared the IV.

Bucky sat in the single chair, letting the IV drip and watching Steve.

He wasn’t sure why his handler was so tense and nervous. Usually they were out to be controlling. This one seemed ill at ease.

Steve was trying to figure things out. Pacing helped. He had to get Bucky back to Brooklyn and get him far away from Hydra.

Steve stopped and looked at Bucky again. He glanced at the diaper he was wearing. Should he check it? How would he check it? Would Bucky get upset if he touched his diaper? Was that what Bucky was used to?

Would he tell him if he needed to be changed?

Way back, they’d touched each other plenty, as kids were wont to do but it was different now.He was in new territory here and feeling lost. “Are you.....wet?” He asked hesitantly.

Unbidden, a memory popped into his mind.

He had been staying over at Bucky’s house overnight. He’d probably been twelve. Too embarrassed to bring a diaper, as his mom told him to, he had prayed he would stay dry. He hadn’t. He’d ended up peeing the bed, and on Bucky.

While they were changing the sheets, Bucky had laughed it off, said some day he’d get him back. Steve smiled at the memory.

Bucky gave him a confused look, not sure what Steve was asking him, wondering why he looked happy.

Maybe Steve found him amusing. The thought wasn’t pleasant. He’d been asked a question. Wet. It looked as though he meant his diaper. He’d seen the glance and the smile. He hated being laughed at but all the handlers did.

He was almost always wet, unless he had just been changed. He had no control at all. He was rarely aware of when he was wetting. Why was Steve asking? Bucky was used to being changed with every feeding. “Wet,” he echoed, hoping that was the right answer.

When Bucky didn’t give any further indication, Steve came forward and hesitantly checked with a finger against his diaper. Bucky didn’t break his finger off so he guessed it was a safe way to check. He was most definitely wet. The IV liquid probably went through him fairly quickly. He waited till the bag was empty. “Lay down,” he ordered gently.

Bucky felt more at home. Orders he liked. He was accustomed to being ordered around.

Now Steve sounded more like a handler. He lay down and waited while Steve got the fresh diaper and package of wipes. He wasn’t laughing anymore so that was good. Steve checked before pulling the diaper off. No mess this time. He changed him and then patted the bed. “Good boy. Time to rest some more.”

Bucky lay down as ordered but he wasn’t relaxed.

Steve lay there as well, unable to fall asleep again.

“Want me to suck your dick?” Bucky offered, trying to get it out in the open to get it over with.

Steve’s head whipped around and he stared at Bucky. “What?” He asked faintly.

“You want me to suck-“

“No!” Steve exclaimed softly. “No. Just...try to rest.”

“Handlers get rewards,” Bucky responded.

Steve frowned darkly. “Oh. Well, you don’t have to worry about that from me.”

Bucky didn’t know what he meant but he stopped talking. He didn’t want to piss him off.

At 6:30, Steve’s alarm beeped. It was feeding time.

While the IV was dripping into Bucky’s veins, Steve gave himself a quick sponge bath. He needed to get the hospital smell off of him. Bucky needed a bath too but he’d wait till they got home.

Steve got dressed in the clothes Nat had brought, laying the second set out for Bucky along with a fresh diaper.

Steve just wanted to get Bucky out of DC as quickly as possible. The longer they were here, the more possibility there was that Hydra would find them.

With the bag empty, he clipped the IV lock into place. “All done.” He tossed the empty bag in the garbage. “Let’s get you diapered and then you can get dressed. We’re going to Brooklyn.”

Bucky lay down, waiting to be changed.

Steve changed him, then helped him up. “Can you get dressed?”

Bucky looked at the clothing. Obviously this new handler was a rookie. Was he daft? If he didn’t keep a tight rein over every aspect of Bucky’s care and let Bucky do things on his own, he might lose the control he had over the asset. A handler had to maintain rigid control at all times. Besides, he couldn’t remember how to dress himself. But how hard could it be?

Steve turned and watched with sadness as Bucky tried to figure out how to get the shirt on. He was turning it in his hands, trying not to tear the fabric with his metal fingers.

“Let me help,” he said, gently.

Once Bucky had on his shirt, jeans, a sweater to cover the glaring prosthetic and a hat to give him a bit of cover, Steve stuffed the remaining diapers and IV bags into the backpack. “Let’s go.”

Bucky followed him obediently,wordlessly. He wanted his leash. He hoped they were going back to base now. He would need another change soon.

Steve walked to the train station, grabbing Bucky’s hand so he wouldn’t lose him.

The station was insanely busy. He hadn’t even considered what Bucky would be like in public.What if he freaked out?Steve talked softly. “You stay with me, and don’t touch anybody.”

Bucky nodded. He didn’t like the crowds. They made him very nervous.

He kept a death grip he put on Steve’s hand. He was terrified of losing his handler.

People swirled around them in a colourful, moving tapestry of chaotic noise. Bucky concentrated on walking and trying to breathe through his anxiety. His stomach was starting to complain. He almost tripped but caught himself. Stumbling meant a hit to the face or head usually. He didn’t like having his ears boxed.

When he’d fallen on his last mission, Rollins had cuffed him across the ear, whining about how you’d think an asset who was that highly trained would be more graceful. He hadn’t been trained for grace. He’d been trained for battle. His weight was carefully monitored and distributed for destruction. And the arm was heavy.No one seemed to understand that.

Someone jostled him and he almost lost his balance again. He wanted to push back but he had been given an order to stay passive.

Steve helped steady him again and then they stood in line for their tickets.

Bucky impatiently rocked from his heels to his toes. He had to go soon!He couldn’t hold it much longer.

They finally got their tickets and Steve led him to a place they could stand out of the way to wait. It was still ten or fifteen minutes till the train would be there.

Bucky couldn’t hold on anymore and let go with a satisfied grunt.

He wished Steve would have waited twenty minutes so he could have finished back at the hotel. It would have been quieter and easier. Less people to stare. But what did handlers care. He’d been exposed in public many times. If he had been allowed to feel andtrained to label emotions, he might have considered himself bitter.

Steve didn’t miss the sound or the relief on his face. “Did you poop?” Steve asked quietly.

Bucky blushed and stared at the ground, wondering what else he’d been expecting. Why did he have to keep asking questions?

“Let’s change you before the train comes,” Steve said. Bucky started to lay down on the concrete floor of the station.

Steve stopped him. “What are you doing? I’m not changing you out in the open like this.”

Bucky wondered why not. His other handlers changed him anywhere. He was a weapon. When he needed maintenance it was given. What was wrong with Steve?

Steve checked the time and wove his way through the crowds to the washroom. He made sure it was a single washroom with a locking door. “In here, Bucky.”

He had no desire to humiliate Bucky although he was starting to get a clear picture of the fact that Hydra hadn’t considered his feelings at all.

Bucky lay down on the dirty, disgusting floor, waiting. The filth didn’t bother him. He had been made to do many things in filthy environments.

Steve shook his head a little. He longed to see a glimpse of his Bucky inside this Hydra puppet.

He grabbed a handful of paper towel and put them under Bucky before pulling his pants down. “This floor is gross. Don’t want you to get sick.”

Bucky watched Steve with vague wonder. Did Steve....care? That was so odd! He didn’t think he would get sick. The IV supplement included antitoxins and antibodies.

“Let’s change that stinky bum,” Steve continued, pulling out wipes and a clean diaper. “That wet diaper isn’t comfortable, is it.”

He gently wiped Bucky’s groin, taking time to be thorough and telling Bucky how happy he was to have found him. He also told him how much he’d missed him.

Bucky listened to Steve’s one sided conversation as he cleaned him. He talked a lot. Much more than his other handlers. Bucky wasn’t really following the conversation. He just liked the lilt of Steve’s voice. There was kindness in his voice. Bucky had been programmed to drown chatter out but now he tried to understand everything Steve was telling him.

While Steve was wiping him, his bladder released and Steve jumped back.

“Whoops! Wasn’t expecting that! Was that payback? For the time I peed on you at our sleepover?” He laughed.

Bucky smiled a little. What was that? Sleepover. Steve peed on him? For a second he tried to remember. What was a sleepover? He was about to ask then thought better of it. Questions were generally discouraged unless they were mission related.

“You remember that?” Steve asked, fastening a dry diaper around his waist. “I was so afraid you’d laugh at me wearing a diaper, I’d rather pee the bed. And I did.”

Was Steve expecting an answer? It looked like he was. The smile made him look boyish.Strangest handler Bucky had ever met in Hydra!

Bucky smiled again. “Remember.”

“That’s my Bucky boy,” Steve laughed.

Bucky had the weirdest feeling after that.

Even after Steve had put a clean diaper on him, and zipped up his jeans and they were waiting for the train again, it didn’t go away. It was almost a light, fuzzy warmth. It scared him.

Bucky felt like Steve was a nicerkind of handler but would heuse it to his advantage? He wouldn’t be too hasty to trust him.

Even though he wanted to. For the second time that morning, there in that gross bathroom on the floor, Bucky felt like he was somebody worth caring about. He shook his head. No. He was a weapon. A mindless killing machine. It was better that way.

When the train pulled in and whistled shrilly, Bucky covered his ears involuntarily. He hated loud noises! Steve pattedhim on the shoulder as they headed for the platform.

The crush of human bodies trying to get on the long train seemed never ending.

Bucky was getting impatient again, stepping side to side, muttering in Russian.

Steve tried to protect him as much as possible, from getting bumped around.

Finally it was their turn. With relief Steve found an empty seat and sat down with Bucky next to the window.

Bucky was agitated and ill at ease. Why was he here?

 

Falling....

 

The noise level was horrendous. Babies cried, mothers shrieked at their screaming toddlers, men tried to shuffle for space on the long narrow aisle, arguing to find empty seats. He didn’t like trains.

Bucky stared out the small square window.

When the long line of people had finally boarded, and tickets had been presented,

 the train left with a mighty lurch.

Bucky grabbed onto the seat ahead of him, knuckles white. Bile rose in his throat as anxiety pressed in on him.

 

Falling....

 

“Bucky,” Steve said quietly. He touched Bucky’s shoulder.

Bucky jerked away from Steve’s touch averting his eyes downward. Scared wasn’t allowed. He was the Asset. 

 

Falling. Left for dead. Dragged. Bloody.

 

“Bucky,” Steve said softly. “I’m so sorry. I realize the train isn’t the easiest for you.”

Bucky’s grip on the seat didn’t lessen as the train picked up speed. Neither did his frantic breathing. . 

“We’re going to Brooklyn,” Steve said softly. “You don’t need to be scared Buck. I’ll take care of you.”

Bucky opened his eyes just a little to see the speeding landscape. No ravine. If he just held on tight.....

 

Falling...

 

He couldn’t remember why he’d fallen. The sensation was just there. Panic tried to bite through his calm.

Steve’s words registered. Take care of him. He was going to maintain the Asset. Good. He wanted to get rid of the strange awkward feelings that the handler’s words had awakened.

They were going to Brooklyn. As far as he knew, there was no Hydra facility there to maintain the Asset. What else did he have in mind? He gave Steve a sidelong glance.

He appeared to be resting but Bucky knew better. Handlers didn’t sleep on the job.

The words in the bathroom ran through his mind again. Handlers weren’t allowed to get emotionally attached to the Asset. He was a weapon. These strange, light, fuzzy feelings were completely new and he didn’t know what to do with them!!

Steve tried to relax. He was tired and he figured Bucky must be too. What the hell had Hydra done to make him like this? His sweet, confident, overly cocky best friend was not here. A shell.Poor Bucky. A few hours and they would be in Brooklyn. He saw Bucky flex his metal fist over and over as though he was gearing up for something. Probably not a good thing.

“Hey Bucky, you wanna hear a story?” Steve asked, trying to distract the highly trained assassin.

Bucky half turned to him, his eyes wary. Story? What was that? He didn’t know any story. “What’s story?” He asked bluntly.

“It’s a funny little anecdote I’d like to tell you about when we were young,” Steve explained.

Bucky didn’t remember being young but he shrugged.

Steve smiled. “When we were kids, you and I would ride your bike up and down Poplar Hill. I’d sit on those handlebars and you’d pedal. Until the day we got off the path and hit a rock and I split my head open. My ma wasn’t impressed and yours was even less!”He chuckled. “We were best buddies, you and I.”

Bucky saw again the boyish grin. Steve was enjoying the factthat Bucky was there beside him. He was telling Bucky ‘the story’ even when Bucky had no clue what he was talking about. Buddies. End of the line. Friends. He carefully tucked ‘the story’ away for future reference.

The train pulled into the Brooklyn station in the early afternoon, whistle blowing and making a huge racket.

Bucky covered his ears, keening shrilly.

Steve wondered if his hearing was as sensitive as his own. “It’s okay, Bucky.”

Steve got his backpack and took Bucky’s hand. “We’re here. We’re gonna get off the train.”

Bucky didn’t want to move. He wanted his leash! He started to jerk his hand away then paused. He couldn’t do that. Steve was the handler. He had to obey.

Everyone was pushing and trying to get off.

Steve waited till there was only a few left and then he and Bucky walked off the train. “You good now?” He asked.

Bucky looked confused but answered the question like he answered most of Steve’s questions. “Good.”

“Let’s walk.” Steve suggested, hooking the backpack straps over his shoulders.

Bucky held tightly to Steve’s hand, taking in the new landscape. The rush hour noise was making him nervous. He really needed maintenance. His grip on the Asset’s unemotional state was slipping.

They walked fifteen blocks to an apartment block that was set in a large square of concrete.

“Here we are,” Steve said, fishing out a key. “C’mon.”

Bucky walked up two flights of stairs with Steve to a door that had the number 24 on it. Steve unlocked it andushered Bucky in. “Home sweet home.” He sighed. “I’ve been in DC for a week.”

Bucky looked around. Sunlight filtered in through the cheap blinds. The place was small but tidy. A small round table in the kitchen, with cupboards, stove and fridge on one side. Five feet away from the table , a brown couch sat against the wall across from a tv. Presumably the living room. Through one door was a bathroom and through another was a bedroom.

Bucky needed to familiarize himself with the exits. One door, two accessible windows, two storeys was easy to navigate.He figured there might be a fire escape as well that he couldn’t see.

Steve put his backpack down. “You’re probably wet and hungry.”

Bucky stood there, waiting for instructions. He wasn’t allowed to ask for food yet. He only felt hunger after 16 hours. It was a weakness that made him feel fuzzy and often made his brain malfunction.

Steve took his own shoes off and then removed Bucky’s combat boots. “Let’s get you comfortable.” He got a diaper and an IV bag out of the backpack.

“I’m going to check your diaper.”He unzipped Bucky’s jeans and checked. “I’ll change you after your feeding.”

Bucky sat on the couch watching Steve attach the bag. 

He watched Steve walk to the cupboard. What was he doing now?

Steve was making himself a sandwich. His cell phone warbled. He answered immediately. “Hey Nat.”

He listened for a moment. “Thanks, Tasha. I really didn’t know where to start!”

A few minutes later, a large box got delivered to their door by courier. It was courtesy of Nat. She had sent a few cases of the IV bags and a few cases of good diapers.

Steve texted her a huge thank you.

He finished makingthe sandwich then sat down close to Bucky. “So, you want to tell me about Hydra or anything?” He ate his sandwich, trying not to stare at Bucky. It was hard not to. He had long hair now, and he was built like a freaking Mac truck. Steve downed an orange juice.

Bucky hadn’t responded to his question and he wasn’t surprised.

The first order of business was bathing his houseguest. The chance of Bucky bathing himself was probably pretty low.He’d give him a few minutes in case he decided to mess his diaper.

The IV was finished and Steve clicked the IV lock shut.

He put his plate and cup in the sink, watching every move the assassin made.He thought back. It had been about twenty minutes both times.

When half an hour had passed in silence, Steve got up.

“Hey Buck. I’m gonna give you a bath.”

Bucky looked at him with a blank stare.

“You’re filthy,” Steve explained. “You’ll feel better after.”

Bucky doubted that very much. Steve was going to force Bucky into the water. He would try anyway. He might succeed. Bucky was feeling more and more confused as his lack of maintenance made him unstable. At the base they had usually resorted to putting him naked in a cage and using spray hoses to wash him. He didn’t do baths. Or showers. Only when forced.

Steve walked Bucky into the bathroom and stripped him down to his soggy diaper.

“I’m gonna get you nice and clean.”

Bucky didn’t care about being clean. He was shaking now. More emotions he didn’t understand. Scared. The Asset was never scared.

Steve started the water. “You like bubbles?” He rummaged in the cupboard for a bottle of bubble bath.

Bucky slowly started backing out of the bathroom. He didn’t like the way his insides felt like jello and he wanted to vomit. No bubbles, no bath. He was just about out of the bathroom when Steve saw him.

“Come back,” Steve laughed. “We don’t have to have bubbles.”

Bucky bolted for the door.

Steve suddenly realized it was no joke. He slammed the water off and took off after Bucky.

Steve chased him out, seeing Bucky taking the stairs down. “Buck! No!

Bucky was halfway down the second flight when Steve put on a burst of speed and caught up to him before he could leave the building. He tackled him down because Bucky was squirming like mad to get away. He screamed and tried to bite Steve. He struggled hard. He didn’t want to go in the water!

Steve firmly pinned his arms and pulled him close. “Hey. Hey. Hey. It’s okay.”

Bucky’s breath was coming in sobbing, little gasps. Both of his knees were bleeding from hitting the concrete. He struggled some more but it was useless.

Head down, his metal arm firmly in Steve’s grasp, he followed him unwillingly back to the apartment.

Steve didn’t let go until he had him in the bathroom and the door was closed, with him in front of it. “I’m not gonna hurt you.”

Bucky just stood there, head down, refusing to look at Steve.

Steve could feel the force of the anger radiating off of Bucky. Obviously a bath was not relaxing for Bucky. But he needed to be cleaned up. He still had mud on him from their fight on the helicarrier.

“You need a bath,” he tried to reason. He took the soggy diaper off and trashed it.

Bucky stood naked, looking at the water.

“Get in the tub,” Steve ordered firmly. He was tired of waiting. He wanted to get Bucky bathed and hopefully have a little time to relax.

Bucky had to follow the order. He drummed up all his grit and stepped into the tub. To his surprise, it wasn’t scalding. It wasn’t freezing. He stood there, trying to figure it out.

“Sit,” Steve ordered in a gentler tone.

Bucky slowly sat, his eyes never leaving Steve’s hands. What punishment was he going to receive? A beating? A bath in bleach water? A shock?

Steve moved his hand and Bucky jerked back, his eyes wide and terrified.

Steve stopped. “Bucky. It’s okay. Look.” He showed him his empty hands. “I’m getting a washcloth.” He showed him the washcloth.

Bucky looked at him with wild distrust written all over his face. It was never that simple. Handlers had to maintain control of the Asset at all times. Bucky was losing control. Steve had to do something!

Steve wanted to cry. Again. But he had a job to do. His hair was so filthy. He used a container to wet it down, not surprised when Bucky howled. He washed it and rinsed it as quickly as possible. He got the washcloth wet and very slowly, started to wash Bucky’s face.

Bucky tried to pull back but he was wedged against the back of the tub. The warm cloth touched his face and he panicked.

Steve pulled back sharply at the bite. “I’m just washing your face,” he said softly.

“Face,” Bucky echoed, his voice shaky.

Steve nodded. “Yeah. Just washing. Nice and easy.” He carefully washed the rest of his face.

Steve moved down to his neck, and then his arms and hands, with gentle strokes.

Bucky jerked away every time Steve touched a new part of his body. A stream of pee hit the bath water when his abdomen clenched. This happened every time they washed him too. He didn’t understand why.

“Good thing we already washed your face,” Steve said pleasantly. He put his hand in the water and gave Bucky a quick scrub below while he squirmed uncomfortably.

“Sorry Buck. Have to wash.” He pulled the plug. “All done.”

Bucky was confused but glad. “Done.” He scrambled up and nearly took a header in the slippery tub.

Steve caught him by the arm. “Slow down, Bucky boy. You’re okay.” He helped him out giving him a towel.

Bucky dropped it and left the bathroom.

Steve quickly followed with the towel. “Wait! I need to dry you off!

Bucky was sitting curled up in a corner beside the couch, shivering.

Steve put the large towel on the floor and got a second towel. “Come here,” he said gently, holding a hand out to Bucky.

The frightened soldier slowly allowed himself to be led to the towel and lay down still shivering violently.

Steve diapered him snugly and pulled a t shirt over his head. “You smell a lot better!”

Bucky stopped shivering as hard and started to relax. He couldn’t remember ever feeling this nice after a bath. His skin felt soft. He sat on the couch and covertly watched Steve. Did Hydra know that Steve wasn’t following the correct protocol? Bucky should probably report him but he didn’t want to. Stories and train rides and baths that weren’t punishments. Rumlow wouldn’t be happy to hear that. His other handler still hadn’t made an appearance and Bucky didn’t know why. He sniffed his flesh arm still watching Steve. It smelled fruity. He licked it. It didn’t taste any different though.

“Do you drink anything?” Steve asked, breaking the silence as he grabbed a beer from the fridge.

Bucky looked at the brown bottle. Rumlow and Rollins had those at the safe houses sometimes. Bucky was never allowed.

He concluded that Steve asked too many questions for a handler. He must be someone different. Maybe Pierce’s protégé?He leaned back, watching the tv, trying to figure it out. Steve was obviously trying to make Bucky trust him.

Steve sat beside him on the couch and offered him the bottle.

Bucky gingerly lifted it and sniffed it. He made a face and turned away shaking his head.

Steve sighed softly. He had a feeling it was going to take a long, long time to get Bucky better. To find the ghost in the shell. He looked him over with short glances, trying not to blatantly stare.

Bucky had always been an attractive man. His piercing blue eyes and easy grin, the confident swagger and gift for flirting that had won many hearts. The eyes were the same. Everything else had changed.

Steve decided not to dwell on it. There was too much.

After he gave Bucky his evening feeding and change, Steve put pyjamas on him and took him to the one bedroom. The double bed wasn’t huge but it would have to do for now.

Bucky ran his hand over thestrange soft clothing. It was comfortable. And scary. What was he supposed to do now? Why wasn’t Steve performing maintenance? He was having feelings. There was no chair in this room either.

Steve pointed to the bed.“Bedtime, Bucky.”

Bucky watched as Steve got out a pair of white, padded underwear and slipped them on, covering them with pajama pants.

Steve wished Bucky would say something but he didn’t. After the crazy couple ofdays he’d had, he wasn’t taking chances. He was probably going to wet himself tonight. It often happened after a time of high stress.

He patted the bed. “Lay down in bed, Bucky.”

Bucky hesitantly came and slid into the bed. His handler couldn’t control himself at night either? It was an epiphany to Bucky. He wasn’t alone.

Steve turned out the lamp then very slowly, he put his fingertips on Bucky’s shoulder.

“Good night Buck.”

Bucky stared into the darkness. Good night Buck. That meant it was time to rest. Commander had said it to Rollins sometimes.

“Good night,” Bucky said softly.

Steve smiled into the darkness. It might just be him echoing his words but at least he’d said it.

Several mornings later, Bucky woke to the first rays of light. He had actually slept deeply. He wasn’t in his cell....He felt panic build in his stomach. He quickly got up, then trying to recall where he was. Why was he in bed with his handler?? Had he been bad?

Steve was stirring now. He stood quietly like a good boy and waited.

He realized he was hungry. Steve had missed his 2:30 feeding. He had been anal about it to this point.

Bucky had lain there beside him awake for just a short while unwilling to awaken him. Waking a handler wasn’t advised unless he wanted to be punished. Bucky had dozed off again.

Steve opened one eye, not startled anymore. He was getting used to seeing Bucky standing there. “You know, you can stay in bed. It’s okay.” He stretched and smiled at Bucky. Yep, good thing he’d put a pull-up on again.

Bucky patted his arm.

Steve took a moment then bolted up. “Oh my gosh! I forgot to feed you at 2:30!” He started to race out of the room then came back in, cracking his toe on the doorframe and hopping around. “Owowowow!”

He took a deep breath.

Bucky had him all frazzled. He was wetter than he’d thought. His pajama pants were wet too. He quickly dropped the soiled pants and trashed the soaked pull-up. As he wiped himself down, he talked. “We’ve gotta get some things straight if we’re gonna make this work.” Steve started digging for clothes. He couldn’t believe he’d missed a feeding. 

Bucky watched his handler, wondering why he was in a panic. Bucky wasn’t starving. He wasn’t even dizzy yet.

Steve suddenly noticed Bucky staring at him and cupped a hand around his privates before sliding on a pair of boxers. He would have to start teaching Bucky things. Like, today! He wasn’t Hydra and he couldn’t keep up this crazy schedule.

He got dressed. “Let’s get you fed.”

Bucky nodded.

When the IV bag was attached, Steve sat down in the armchair beside him.

“Did your handler at Hydra feed you every four hours? Every day?”

“Technicians,” Bucky corrected. “Don’t always need a night drip. Only after long missions.”

Steve understood then. “So the suggested time is every four hours, but you don’t need it.”

Bucky nodded. “The Asset can go sixteen hours without a drip before it becomes necessary.”

Steve filed that information away.

“Okay. That makes things easier.” There was something else that had been niggling the back of his mind the last couple of days as he’d learned Bucky’s schedule. “What about toilet training? Did your handlers ever take you to the bathroom after your morning or evening feedings?”

Bucky blushed and looked down. He didn’t want to discuss toilet use. It frightened him so much although he didn’t really remember what had happened. Yes, his handler and the techs had forced him to sit on a toilet but never for the purpose of using it for that. It was for punishment. “I am not toilet trained.” He spoke softly but clearly. He was embarrassed but he knew his handler needed to know this. “Hydra did not see it as useful to keep me toilet trained. It interfered with missions.”

Steve considered this. “I’m wondering if we can try toilet time. Your bowel movements seem fairly consistent.”

Bucky frowned a little but stayed quiet. Yes. Morning and evening was messing time. But sometimes there were other times too. He wasn’t sure he understood. He looked at Steve wondering if he was being punished. 

Maybe he had been bad. He sat stock still on the couch. Punishment was often given even when he didn’t understand. The toilet was the worst though.He wished Steve would pick a different punishment.

Steve checked the bag to make sure it was running properly and glanced up, catching a quiver of Bucky’s bottom lip. “Hey, what’s the matter?”

Bucky clenched his teeth onto his bottom lip to stop the quiver. He could be a good boy for Steve. He would take his punishment. His stomach didn’t agree and clenched nervously. He felt panic building but pushed it down. He needed maintenance. Perhaps this was part of it. Maybe this wasn’tpunishment but a different type of maintenance.

The bag seemed to empty fast. His breathing hitched and he couldn’t stop the tears that came to his eyes.

The white porcelain seat seemed to glare at him. He averted his eyes. He tried to breathe slowly. He could be a good boy. He had to look at it as maintenance. He needed it.

Steve unclipped the empty bag. He puttered around for a few minutes then took Bucky’s hand. “Ok buddy. Let’s give the toilet a try.”

Bucky followed Steve reluctantly to the bathroom and stood there, head down. His lip would not stop quivering so he jammed two fingers into his mouth. Handlers didn’t like the Asset being weak.

Steve pulled his pyjama pants down and took his wet diaper off. Good. He hadn’t soiled himself yet.

Bucky chanced a quick look at the seat. He needed maintenance. After this he would be better. His breathing was just gasping now. Silent little heaves for oxygen. It was going to hurt, he was certain. It always did.

Steve guided him over to it. “Sit.”

Bucky let out a little cry of terror before clamping his teeth overhis fingers. He sat, gripping his knee with his metal hand, because feeling pain elsewhere helped the panic. He couldn’t breathe without crying but he didn’t want his handler to see him cry, so he held his breath.

Steve worried his lip with his teeth for a moment. It was quite easy to see that Bucky was absolutely terrified. But why? What had Hydra done to scare him this badly from using the toilet? Or was he having some kind of flashback? He saw the metal fingers digging into the flesh on his knee.

Then he saw blood drip from his mouth where he’d bitten his lip.

“Bucky boy,” Steve said gently, unclamping Bucky’s metal hand from his knee where he had already left dark bruises. “Why are you hurting yourself?”

Bucky stuffed his fingers further in his mouth to choke back the cries that wanted to escape. A tear ran down his cheek. He let out a hiccuping cry past his fingers.

“I’m sorry,” he tried to apologize but he gagged instead.

Steve wasn’t sure what was happening. “Bucky!” He tried to stay calm as Bucky choked and then vomited violently onto the floor.

“Okay! Okay, baby boy.” He wrapped him in a towel and carried the shaking soldier to the living room. “Shhh,” he soothed, cuddling Bucky for a few minutes. He lay him on the floor and got a clean diaper. “Please don’t bite your fingers, honey,” he said softly, pulling Bucky’s hand out of his mouth. He would need bandaids. He diapered him and then grabbed the towel, wrapping Bucky’s hand in it. He’d bitten through the skin on two of his knuckles.

Bucky struggled to get his hand away from him, keening shrilly and hitting himself with his left hand. He needed to bite his fingers to stop the screams.

Bucky had entered a place in his head where he was out of control. He couldn’t function. He needed help! He needed the chair. 

Steve restrained him tightly until he calmed down. His own heart was pounding.He didn’t know what the hell had just happened but it wasn’t good.

Steve held Bucky on his lap. There was nothing he could say that would stop the tremors from the extreme panic attack he’d had. Steve knew what it was like.

When Bucky stopped fighting, he removed the towel, and looked at the fingers. They had started to heal already.

He wrapped his arms loosely around Bucky’s waist. “You’re safe, Bucky. Safe with Steve,” he murmured.

When Steve started talking, that lilting voice made Bucky feel better. Steve was saying soft words. He was holding him.

Bucky relaxed and nuzzled into Steve’s neck. Maybe Steve wasn’t a handler after all. Maybe he was his new daddy. Pierce used to be his daddy when he was scared and his little boy would want to come out. But Daddy Pierce often hurt Bucky’s little boy. He didn’t want to remember that and shook his head a little.

He liked sitting here on Steve’s lap with his strong arms around him, not crushing, or punishing but holding, comforting. He stopped chewing on his fingers andrelaxed. His diaper got wet as he sat there, but that was okay. He was just little.

Steve felt Bucky’s nose in his neck and smiled.Good. He hadn’t intended to mess him up. He’d thought training him to use the toilet for bowel movements would be helpful but it had backfired in a huge way.

Bucky’s diaper warmed on his lap. He wondered if he’d messed or just peed. His messes were pretty watery too. He would check in a minute. Bucky was enjoying the cuddle and so was Steve.

Bucky felt Steve’s hand rub his belly lightly. Commander had sometimes done that when he’d needed Bucky to finish his business before they could go on a mission.

Bucky squirmed slightly, sighing with relief as he filled his diaper.

“That’s my good boy,” Steve said softly. “Let’s get you changed.”

Bucky stood up, the soggy, soiled diaper hanging heavy now.

He lay down on the towel, looking at Steve with adoration. Steve said he was a good boy!

Steve noticed that Bucky was relaxing. As he cleaned him up, Steve’s head was full of ideas as to where to start. He had to help Bucky. But how? It was so much to think about at the moment.

He figured Bucky needed a lot of help. Probably more than Steve could give him, honestly. He needed to talk to Sam.

Steve could start with the basics though. Human touch, communication, social interaction.

When Bucky was freshly diapered he shyly said, “Thank you, daddy.”

Steve did a double take, wondering if he’d heard that right. Daddy?!? Wherethe fucking hell did that come from?? He wasn’t about to question him though.

He was relaxed now.Bucky definitely needed professional help! He needed a psychiatrist!!

Steve tossed the diaper in the garbage and washed his hands probably longer than necessary.He was trying to figure out what to do. He would talk to Sam today. That was a start.

With that settled he started to look at breakfast. “Do you ever eat anything, Buck? Or just the IV thing?”

Bucky shrugged. “Don’t eat.”

Steve sighed. “Okay.” He made himself a plate of eggs and toast and ate mechanically, his mind busy with theories of why Bucky was behaving this way.

He watched Bucky examine the tv, watching every image with intense interest. He’d felt like that too when he’d first seen the colour TVs.

A pampers commercial came on and Bucky watched it intently his hand flicking the top waistband of his diaper as if he made the connection.

Steve could see he was definitely acting more like a kid. He just didn’t know why and it freaked him out. Had Hydra done something to make him like this? He held onto the fact that maybe Sam could give him some kind of hope. Would Bucky ever eat real food? Or be toilet trained? What about talking? He finally had his Bucky back. But he just needed to dig through the layers of Hydra’s conditioning to find him.

Steve hadn’t realized how much he’d missed the Bucky cuddles till today. He was determined to pull his Bucky out of this broken soldier. And anyone who knew Steve could vouch for his stubbornness.

Bucky was looking at the tv sideways now to get a new perspective. His neck was craned as far left as possible without falling over. Steve shook his head with a smile and washed his dishes.

At the 10:30 feeding, Steve decided to do something a little different. He rummaged in his closet until he found a blue baby blanket that he’d bought when it sounded like Pep and Tony were going to try for a baby. He set it beside the couch and got an IV bag, breaking the seal. “Are you hungry, Bucky?”

Bucky gave him a look, his big eyes full of questions and longing but he didn’t say anything.

Steve sat down with the bag and patted his lap. “Come sit with me.”

Bucky took a few moments to process that and then came and sat on Steve’s lap.

Steve attached the bag and then gently pulled Bucky into an embrace. The child like Bucky was still prominent. Steve quailed at the thought that maybe he had triggered some sort of mental break because of his “toileting experiment” this morning. He was trying his best.This was new territory.

He wished he could ask Bucky if he was okay. Bucky probably wouldn’t answer. Steve gave him a soft warm ‘I’m sorry’ hug instead.

Bucky relaxed in Steve’s arms. They were strong but gentle around him. He liked being held when he was little. He put his thumb in his mouth. His other daddy didn’t like him sucking his thumb but it made him feel good.

Steve wasn’t really surprised that Bucky sucked his thumb. Probably meant he was tired though. He pulled the blue blanket up and gently put it against Bucky’s cheek.

Bucky jumped, startled by something touching his cheek.

Steve showed him it was just a blanket.

Bucky slowly reached for it, looking warily at Steve before quickly grabbing the blanket in his metal hand and holding it against his cheek, sucking his thumb unashamed. A blanket just for him! A present from daddy.

Steve could tell when he dozed off. He became a dead weight and even though he wasn’t super heavy it was awkward. Steve carefully put Bucky’s head next to his neck and unclipped the empty IV bag.

He stroked Bucky’s hair lightly. “My sweet Bucky boy, I’ve missed you so much.”

He held Bucky with one arm and texted Sam. “Call me.”

Sam called twenty seconds later and Steve quietly poured out the entire, long confusing story to his friend. He wasn’t sure when his tears started. He was tired too.

“I’m comin’ to Brooklyn,” Sam said. “We’ll talk.”

Steve sighed in relief. He needed help.

When Sam showed up a couple hours later, Bucky had just woke up and was cuddling his blanket on the couch. However, on seeing Sam, he hastily crammed himself in between the couch and the wall, crouching down to hide from view.

Sam smiled but didn’t try to engage him. “Looks like you’ve had a rough few days.

Steve sat at the table, pushing a beer towards him. “It’s been four days and he’s still jumpy as all get out. And Sam... today he called me....daddy.”

Sam nodded. “Classic PTSD, Steve. And sounds like he might have some split personality issues. I’d suggest finding a good therapist. He needs it.”

Steve nodded. “What can I do in the meantime?”

“Keep him safe and just take care of him,” Sam said. “You’ve got a big job.”

Steve nodded again. He was tired.

Sam stayed for two days, observing Bucky but he really couldn’t offer a lot of help. Bucky needed a professional therapist.

Steve felt even more alone when he left the next afternoon because Bucky was jittery now that someone different had been there.

The day dragged on and Steve was so glad when he could change Bucky’s last diaper, put his pull-up on and they could climb into bed. He was mentally exhausted.

Bucky didn’t wake up in the child mindset the next day. He seemed grouchy.

Steve had no idea why. Since Bucky didn’t really talk past echoing a few words or very short answers, it wasn’t easy to communicate. He had no idea how to get him to communicate.

Steve knew from what Sam told him that Bucky’s moods could fluctuate a lot. He fed him, changed his morning diaper and then sat at the kitchen table in the deafening silence.

He had refused to sit with Steve to cuddle and growled when Steve got too close to him.

Steve left him alone. He wondered if he was in some sort of distress as he stood in the corner with his head down.

He was mumbling in Russian again. It sounded angry. He bumped his head against the wall repeatedly until Steve pulled him away. “Don’t bang your head, Bucky.”

Baring his teeth he snapped at Steve.

Steve pulled back. “Don’t bite,” he warned.

Bucky suddenly walked over and sat on a chair, staring at the cheap red tablecloth, running his flesh fingers over the pattern. There was a tiny hole in the plastic and he circled it over and over until Steve wanted to scream at him to stop, but he didn’t.

“You okay?” Steve asked.

The Winter Soldier ignored the question. In a low voice he said, “Need maintenance.”

Steve pondered that. Maintenance? What did that mean? “What kind of maintenance?” He asked.

Bucky whacked his head with his metal hand a few times. “Need. Pierce.”

Steve chewed his lip a moment to stay calm. “Pierce is gone, Bucky.”

Bucky didn’t look up. “Need maintenance. Out of control.”

Steve was trying to understand. Hydra had always kept him brainwashed and carefully monitored when he wasn’t in cryo. Maybe things were starting to come back to him. “Bucky, it’s okay. You’re safe. You can feel things.”

Bucky picked at the sleeve of his sweater before sticking his thumb in his mouth. He didn’t like feelings.

Steve had gotten him fully dressed today. It was chilly in the room. Fall was approaching fast. The sweatpants were a little snug over the diaper but it wasn’t like they were going anywhere. Bucky was adorable in the yellow and orange sweater.

At the 10:30 feeding, Steve tried to cuddle but Bucky struggled to get away so Steve let it be. He could barely touch him today without startling him or getting hissed at.

Steve wanted to blame himself. It was his fault that he’d done things in the last week that had triggered flashbacks for Bucky.Sam has told him it probably wasn’t those things at all. Bucky was starting to come out of the constant brainwashed fog.

Steve tried not to feel discouraged. Bathing . Dressing. Toileting. Things Steve took for granted and that Bucky used to do without any thought were impossible now. He wanted to know Bucky again. They used to share everything. Heck, seventy years ago he usually even knew when Bucky had jacked off the night before!

But not now. This quiet, wordless stranger with the big, troubled eyes was a Bucky he desperately wanted to help. Wanted to get inside his head. But the door was closed, and locked up tight. At least right now. He sighed. He had to get out of his own head.

His phone vibrated and he looked at it. Tasha! He hadn’t talked to her since he was in DC!

Natasha was wondering how things were going.

Steve sent a smiley emoticon. “Good.” He didn’t want to bother her with his problems. He couldhandle Bucky.

“Really, Steve?”Nat replied.

Dammit. She’d seen right through the message. “I’m coming to see you guys. Have a couple days off.”

Steve hated to admit that he was glad she was coming. One sided conversation was getting old. Nat was someone he trusted completely.

“Natasha is coming to visit,” Steve said, not expecting a reply.

Bucky was sitting across from him at the table, watching Steve drink a cup of orange juice.

“Spider,” Bucky said out of the blue.

Steve frowned. “What?”

“Spider.” He made a crawling motion with his hand. “Black Spider.”

Steve smiled. “Black Widow.”

Bucky nodded. “Spider.”

“Maybe just don’t call her a spider,” he chuckled.

Bucky looked up. “Spider.”

Steve sighed. “Black Widow, buddy.”

“Spider.” He pointed at a small spider crawling on the ceiling.

Steve grimaced and quickly killed it. “Yuck.”

“Yuck,” Bucky repeated. “Spider.”

“You like spiders?” Steve teased. He knew Bucky didn’t mind them.

Bucky slowly lifted his eyes to Steve’s face. “Yuck.”

Steve nodded. “I agree.” He sat down with the morning’s paper. “Hey, they’re bringing a new senate member in.”

“Yuck.” Bucky responded.

“We don’t know that yet,” Steve said, “But chances are, yeah.”

Bucky got up and shuffled over to Steve.

Steve frowned thoughtfully, sniffing a little. “I just changed your bum, you turkey. You’re stinky again?” That answered his question wether Bucky did have messy diapers in between too sometimes. Obviously not often. 

Bucky wouldn’t meet his eyes. “No toilet,” he said in a low voice.

“Nope,” Steve said, keeping his voice light. He was not going to put Bucky on the toilet again.

“No shower,” Bucky begged softly.

“I promise,” Steve soothed. “Go lay down on your towel.”

Bucky lay on the temporary change mat and stared at nothing in particular while Steve gently cleaned and changed him. “There you go. All done.”

Bucky got to his feet, looking at Steve with a slight expression of gratitude. “Thank you.”

Steve smiled. “You’re welcome.” He got rid of the diaper and cleaned his hands.

After his 2:30 feeding, Bucky fell asleep on the couch, the blue blanket tucked under his head. He was snoring so Steve knew he was asleep. 

Looking after Bucky was stressful right now. It was a relief that he napped in the afternoons. Steve never knew when he would be triggered by something and constantly being aware of it was hard.

He tidied up the apartment and made a grocery list.

Natasha showed up before Bucky woke. She hugged Steve tightly. “You look stressed.”

“He’s a lot of work.” He explained some of what had been going on.

Natasha sighed. “I figured it could be a factor. Hydra is thorough. He’s so beautiful though.”

She drank him in from his long hair down to his feet dressed in the bright green socks he’d insisted on wearing this morning.

He hadn’t said anything. He’d just LOOKED at them so longingly that Steve put them on his feet.

He looked at Bucky, stretched out, relaxed. He looked peaceful. His finger was almost healed from where he’d bitten through the skin this morning again when Steve had suggested seeing a therapist. That was something he needed to nip in the bud, but he needed to know why it was happening. “I know he is, poor guy is so messed up though,”Steve said. “I’ve hardly even been able to touch him today without sending him into a panic.”

“Poor baby,” she said, draping herself on the floor next to the couch and lightly stroking Bucky’s hair. “He’s broken. He just needs someone to tell him what to do until he’s more settled.”

“I’m not used to giving orders outside of missions,” Steve said.

Nat rolled her eyes dramatically. “Steve, you’re Cap. He needs to have decisions made for him. ‘This is what you wear. You eat now. We go here.’ Stuff like that. You just do it.”

Steve said nothing for a moment. Nat would know. How, he didn’t know. He’d never asked. She just knew things about people.

“Can you watch him for a few hours? I need to go get groceries and stuff. I haven’t been able to leave the house. He’s not stable.”

Nat nodded. “Of course. Go do your stuff. We’ll be just fine.”

Steve paused. Should he tell her about the daddy situation? She would probably laugh. He decided not to. He quickly got ready and escaped, breathing a breath of free, if somewhat smoggy, Brooklyn air.

Natasha sat and watched the Soldier at ease. She had faced him in battle and he had been terrifying. Now he just seemed....needy. After seeing him at the hotel, she had talked to Sam about him. He’d given her some insight. When Sam had gotten back two days ago they’d talked again. She also knew how Hydra worked. That was why she had a few things in her bag for Bucky.She had a plan to help Steve because he was too stubborn to ask.

Bucky stirred and half opened an eye.

Upon seeing her, he scrambled up and backed against a wall, feeling frantically for a gun sling that wasn’t there. His breathing was raspy as he tried to identify what was happening. His metal fingers flexed as he watched her warily. Battle! He had been awakened from cryo too late! He had to fight! Where was his gear? He whimpered softly.

“It’s okay, soldier,” she soothed. “Steve just went to get groceries.”

He glanced to the side and then back, not moving, not letting his guard down.

This was the woman from the hotel the other day. “Steve.” His handler had left him here with her. Was she a technician? He started to breathe slower.

Nat nodded. “He went to get groceries.”

Bucky eyed her carefully.

Natasha held out her hand. “Come sit. I won’t bite.”

“Spider,” he said softly.

She smiled. “I am the Black Widow. You remember me?”

Bucky looked at her a long while before the tension went out of him. As he did, he wet himself. Damn. Steve wasn’t here to change him.

Nat saw the subtle change on his face. Good. He wasn’t going to freak out. He was probably wet judging from the generous swell of his sweats. “Lay down, I’ll change you.”

Bucky didn’t move.

Nat found his diapers. “Come on, Soldier. That diaper isn’t going to hold much longer.”

Bucky slowly came and lay on the towel, watching her as she pulled his pants down.

Her face remained neutral as she wiped him. Her touch was gentle.

She put a dry diaper under him and pulled it up. “There ya go, Bucky boy. All good.”

He sat up, avoiding her eyes.

She smiled, sitting down on the couch. “Steve says you’re having a bad day today. Come sit with me.”

Bucky glanced at her from under long lashes. The asset didn’t have ‘moods’. His blue eyes were shuttered, watching her rooting in her bag.

She pulled out a box and put it on the coffee table. “Come see what Nat has.”

Bucky didn’t move for several minutes, checking the box warily from where he sat on the floor. Boxes were not always fun. There had been a time or two that Rumlow had given him new gear in a box.

She opened it up and pulled out a Captain America action figure.

His child immediately became forward.

“Daddy,” he whispered, sliding towards her on his diapered bottom, arm outstretched for the doll.

Nat didn’t react to his response, because she wasnt completely surprised. She’d heard things deep in the bowels of Hydra’s files. It was disgusting but it wasn’t Bucky’s fault.

“That’s right, baby,” she said softly.

His eyes still watched the box a little warily but he took the figure, darting back to a safe distance.

Nat watched him examine it, which he did for five full minutes.

He looked at her and then at the doll. He tried to work the clothing but couldn’t. He finally came to her.

“Off,” he said, pointing at the figure’s shirt.

Nat smiled a little. “You don’t want Steve to wear his shirt?”

He shook his head.

She took the shirt off. The muscles were moulded to look like Steve had been working out for three hours.

Bucky touched the plastic six pack on the figure’s chest. He lifted his t shirt and looked at his own chest and poked at his muscles with his metal finger.

“Gentle,” Nat cautioned. “Don’t hurt yourself.”

He looked at her again, innocent curiosity evident in his eyes. “Off.” He pointed at the doll’s pants.

“Steve is gonna be cold if he’s not dressed,” she said, but slid the boots and pants off anyway.

Bucky looked at the naked doll with the moulded nude coloured underwear. He was thinking.

She could see the wheels turning in his head.

He got to his feet and got one of his clean diapers from the bag. “On,” he said, bringing it back and pushing the diaper at Nat.

Natasha quirked an eye at him. “I don’t think that’s gonna fit this Steve, honey. He’s too little.”

Bucky looked at the diaper and then the doll with a frown. “On.”

Nat smiled. Steve would have a fit when he saw the diapered action figure. She got a tissue and folded it.

Bucky watched intently as she wrapped the tissue around the doll and taped it so it would stay. Bucky smiled as he took the doll and cuddled it, climbing onto the couch with Nat. “Daddy.” He leaned his head on her shoulder and put his thumb in his mouth.

“You want to put his clothes on now?”

He shook his head, pushing at his sweats. “Off.”

She smiled and kissed the top of his head. “You need to keep your pants on, babe.”

They sat like that for awhile. Then Nat pulled a second, smaller box out of her bag. She hadn’t expected Bucky to react quite so well to captain America. It was good though. And Sam had been right. He was regressed.

The door slammed open, startling Bucky into running for his corner.

Steve came in, loaded down with bags. “Hey Nat. Where’s Bucky?”

Natasha got up. “You scared him.”

Steve dropped his armful of bags. “Sorry, Buck. It’s just me.”

Bucky came out, eyeing the second box still on the coffee table.

Natasha helped Steve put groceries away.

Bucky sat there, wondering what could be in the second box. Another Steve? He shouldn’t touch without Natasha there. He chewed on his fingers a bit. It was a nervous habit.

Steve put several tins in the cupboard. “I ordered us asian food for seven o clock.”

Tasha gave him a thumbs up as she tossed the frozen items into the freezer.

Steve studied Bucky then finally he asked, “Nat, what did you give him?”

Nat shrugged. “A Cap figure.We played dolls.”

Steve quirked an eyebrow at her. “You brought him a Cap action figure?”

“He loves it,” she said. “He undressed it right away, and I had to diaper it with a piece of Kleenex but then we cuddled. Sam said he’s probably regressed...” She trailed off at the look on Steve’s face. It had turned a deep mottled red. “You....diapered the action figure?”

“Well, with a Kleenex, yeah. Why?”

He was about as good at hiding things as Stark was at being humble. But she’d let him talk about it.

Steve turned his back on her to divvy up the meat he’d bought. “What was Sam saying?”

She figured he’d bring it up eventually. “He told me Bucky would probably regress at times. I noticed he does.”

Steve whirled around. “What did he say?”

Tasha widened her eyes at his panic. “Relax! He called you daddy. Not unusual considering Pierce used him like that.”

Steve’s mouth opened, then snapped shut as her words made sense. “He....WHAT??!”

Nat sighed. “You’re gonna have an aneurysm, Steve. Try to breathe.”

Bucky wandered into the kitchen waving his doll. “Steve. Mine!” He patted his arm.

Steve smiled a little. “Nice. I know it’s almost time for your 6:30 feeding. Just let me finish putting this stuff away.”

“I can hook him up,” Natasha offered.

Bucky sat at the table, watching as she connected the bag. He played with his Steve-doll while Nat monitored his drip.

Steve watched him for a few minutes.He hissed through his teeth. “You had to bring him a doll, didn’t you.”

“Hey, he’s happy now. Besides, he’s been talking to it ever since.” She grinned at him.

“Talking?” Steve questioned. “Like, with words?”

Nat shrugged. “Okay, talking might be generous. Babbling. He makes a lot of little noises when he’s happy.”

Steve was surprised at what Natasha had figured out about Bucky in such a short time. She looked at details while he often looked at the whole problem or situation.

When the IV was done, Steve changed Bucky.

Bucky thrust his doll towards Steve. “Change.”

“Your doll’s good,” he said.

Bucky rolled over and got onto all fours, spying the other box still on the coffee table.

He started chewing on his fingers, nervous but curious. He glanced at Natasha.

Nat gently pulled his fingers out of his mouth. “Don’t bite your fingers honey.”

He pointed at the box. “Open?” He whispered, flinching as he expected to be smacked.

Nat took his hand and smiled. “Yeah. Let’s open it.” She opened the box and pulled out a set of pyjamas and a set of plain clothes for the action figure. “Now Steve can wear clothes.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “I’m not letting him play dolls. He’s a freaking assassin!”

Nat chuckled. “I know. But today, he’s just a little boy. You have to be sensitive to that.”

Steve sighed. A woman would, of course, naturally know this. “What else did Sam say?” he asked.

They were interrupted by the delivery of their dinner.Steve dished up their plates and brought them to the couch.

Nat told him what she’d discovered not just from Sam but also from the Winter Soldier’s files.

Steve had to swallow back tears several times as she talked about some of the horrors Bucky had endured.

Bucky was watching them eat and pointed at Steve’s drink. “What’s that?” It was in a cup with a straw. Commander had let him sip a straw once. It had been very yummy.

“Lemonade,” Steve answered.

Bucky looked at him pleadingly.

Steve sighed. “Little sip, okay?”

Bucky sipped. It was good!

“Someone gave him sweets,” Nat chuckled. “Just be careful or you will have a very sick soldier on your hands.”

Steve nodded.

Bucky silently begged for another taste, his eyes following the cup every time Steve lifted it. Steve finally gave in. “You’re too cute for your own good.”

When they’d finished eating, Steve started washing the dishes.

He loved Natasha dearly but she had a penchant for bringing up the worst subjects.

“Have you kissed anyone since we kissed at the mall?” Nat asked Steve with a sly grin.

Steve stacked the plates. “No. I haven’t. Not that it’s any of your business.”

“You should find someone. Get out. Socialize.”

“Kinda hard to do with Bucky now,” Steve said, putting an end to the conversation.

Natasha slapped him across the back of the head with a dish towel. “It’s not that hard. I can come watch him, or Sam can.”

Bucky looked up when he heard his name. He got up, coming to the kitchen with his ‘Steve’ doll. “Steve.”

“Yeah buddy?” Steve asked.

Bucky shoved the doll towards him. “Good.”

Steve smiled. “Yeah. Good. You should get Steve-doll dressed. He’s cold.” He gave the doll back.

Bucky looked at the doll for a moment and then back at Steve. “No.” He watched Nat dry the dishes.

You’re a little bit cranky,” Nat observed, putting dishes away. “Maybe I should get you a Tony doll.” She gave him a little grin. “You can learn communication together.”

Steve side eyed her before throwing a balled up dish towel at her head. “You better not.”

Bucky stepped back, watching Nat and Steve trying to whip each other with dish towels. He wasn’t sure what the purpose of this exercise was. They were laughing though, so it must be alright.

Nat landed a particularly vicious dish towel whip across Steve’s ass and he jumped. “OW!”

She laughed anyway.“Let’s get these dishes done. It’s going on eight thirty.”

When dishes were finished, Steve said he needed to shower.

Natasha sat down with Bucky and talked to him. When she spoke Russian, his whole demeanour changed. Suddenly he started speaking softly. He told her he was sorry for shooting her.

She accepted his apology and told him he was a very good boy.

Steve came out of the bathroom forty five minutes later, feeling much better. “I saved you hot water, if you want to shower.”

Natasha nodded. “Thanks.”

Steve took Bucky into the bedroom and changed into his pull-up and pajamas.He got Bucky dressed in pajamas as well. That way Bucky’s last feeding at ten thirty would be easy.

At ten, Steve got things ready and they sat down to watch Jeopardy.

Bucky wiggled in between him and Nat. “Steve.”

Steve brushed Bucky’s hair out of his face. “What is it bud?”

He shrugged.

Bucky sat between them, sucking his thumb and holding onto his blue blanket and Steve-doll. He eventually worked his way onto Steve’s lap and snuggled in, starting to yawn.

“I’ll get his IV on,” Nat said, attaching it. “Oh crud. Maybe I should’ve changed him first.” She felt his diaper.

“Last feeding diaper change is always afterwards,” Steve answered.

Natasha was about to ask why then realized the answer. “Oh. You get to change messy diapers too? So he’s not at all toilet trained.”

Steve shook his head. “Nope. Not at all.”

Nat looked at him thoughtfully. “It might come, with time.”

“He’s terrified of the toilet right now,” Steve said quietly. He cuddled Bucky close.

Tasha growled something unsavoury about Hydra.

Bucky sucked his thumb contentedly then reached back, poking Steve in the eye with Steve-doll. “Wet.”

Steve shook his head. “No. Steve-doll is fine. He’s all clean and ready for bed.”

Bucky frowned, turning to look up at him. “Change.” He pushed his doll aggressively into Steve’s neck.

Steve shot Nat a dirty look when he heard her giggling.

She heard him mumble something dangerously close to “freaking assassin playing with a fuckin’ doll” but he changed Steve-doll. He checked the IV bag. “Almost done. Then it’s bedtime.”

Bucky snuggled his doll, yawning sleepily. 

Ten minutes later, Natasha removed the bag. “All done, sleepy soldier.”

“I’ll give him a couple minutes,” Steve said. “Then I’ll change him and we can get to bed.”

They talked while they waited.

Bucky squirmed on Steve’s lap, did his business and got up. “Change.”

Steve said. “Get a diaper and lay down.”

Bucky found his clean diapers and brought one back to Steve. “Mess.”

“Yeah I know,” Steve said, grabbing a handful of wipes. “Buck, can you say, ‘Steve I need a change?”

Bucky shook his head.

“Try with words, buddy,” Nat encouraged.

“Change,” Bucky said.

“It’s better than nothing,” Steve said. “At least he tells me.

Bucky waved Steve doll at Nat. “Mess.”

Nat sat down beside him and took Steve-doll. “Hey Bucky, say ‘I’m stinky’.” She said in a high pitched funny voice.

He looked at her then suddenly giggled. “Stinky.”

“You’re stinky?” Steve-doll continued in a voice that sounded like someone had tied his balls together.

“Stinky!” Bucky repeated, giggling louder.

“Nat, you’re making him pee!” Steve groaned, but couldn’t help chuckling. “You have a very contagious giggle Bucky boy.”

“You are contagiously giggly,” Nat continued but broke character when Bucky started to belly laugh at her crazy voice.

“Mess,” he said again, pointing at the tissue diaper.

“Oh! Did Steve-Doll have a messy diaper too?” She asked.

He nodded, wide eyed with interest.

“We better change Steve-doll then. We can’t have him going to bed with a stinky diaper.” She got a Kleenex.

“Tash!” Steve squeaked in protest. “Don’t encourage him!”

She changed Steve doll, even wiping his bottom which made Bucky smile.

When he and his doll were both clean and dry, Bucky looked at Steve. “Change.” He pointed at Steve’s crotch.

Steve’s face instantly blossomed a deep cherry red. “Bucky!” He knew, technically, Bucky didn’t understand but he was mortified.

“Change,” Bucky insisted.

Natasha rubbed his belly. “Hey big guy. Time for bed. Okay?”

Bucky got to his feet, going for his blanket.

“You know, a lot of seniors deal with incontinence issues,” she said softly. “You don’t need to be ashamed of it.”

He couldn’t look at her. “I can’t believe he just said that.”

“Steve,” she said, “It’s not like you’re doing porn. You have an issue. It’s fine.”

“I know,” he said in a low voice. “It’s still fucking embarrassing!”

“Is it just at night? Or during the day too?” She asked.

“Just at night, thankfully,” he answered. He knew he could trust her not to say anything but he still felt mortified.

Nat gave his wide shoulders a comforting squeeze.

He hugged back then took his freaking assassin and his doll to the bedroom.

Bucky crawled into bed once Steve folded the covers back, tucking his thumb in his mouth and putting the baby blanket over his head.

Steve lay beside him, unable to fall asleep right away. Thank goodness it was just Natasha and not Tony or Clint he’d said it to.

Bucky pushed himself back against Steve until he was firmly cuddled against Steve’s solid body.

Steve gently draped an arm over Bucky. Every annoyance dissipated. This brought back so many good memories.

This was also the night Bucky had his first horrible nightmare. It had been too long since he’d been out of cryo. Too long since he’d been wiped. Memories were swirling back.

Bucky was standing on the cliff again, waiting to follow Steve onto the train. He could see Zola on the top of the train, mocking him.

“Fist of hydra,” Zola yelled. That wasn’t right. Zola wasn’t supposed to see them. He was supposed to be in the train.

Steve jumped, apparently not caring that the doctor saw him and Bucky followed, intent only on getting to Zola.

When he landed, however, he and Zola were face to face and even though he was bigger than the scientist he couldn’t move in his dream because Zola had programmed him. He tried to grab him but he was falling. Falling.

Steve woke to Bucky moaning and thrashing around, his body glistening with sweat.

“Bucky!” He tried to wake him. He understood the night terrors. “Bucky!”

The metal arm came flying out and got Steve right across the chest sending him flying out of bed. He groaned. Nat was going to hear for sure. Probably all his neighbours too.

Bucky sat up, eyes burning with anger. “No more, Zola!”He came towards Steve.

Steve knew he wasn’t awake, really, but he had a bad feeling they were about to repeat the fight they’d had on the bridge.

Bucky tried to attack him but Steve was already on his feet, blocking his blows. “Bucky! Wake up!”

Bucky growled at him in Russian and Steve looked for something to shield himself. Naturally his shield was in the living room.

“Steve,” Nat said, opening the door a crack. “Do you need help?”

“He’s having a nightmare,” he gasped out, dodging another blow from the metal fist.

Bucky almost got him, his fist glancing off Steve’s shoulder.

Nat jumped Bucky from behind and they crashed to the floor where Steve then straddled him. He screamed in rage.

“My neighbours are gonna report me,” he said breathing heavily. “Can you get me his blanket?” Bucky was fighting, trying to get up, swinging his arm to hit Steve.

Nat turned the lamp on and found the blanket, giving it to Steve. “You good now?”

He nodded. Bucky had stopped struggling, holding his blanket against his cheek. He was moaning and whining.

Bucky finally woke up , and looked at Steve, sitting on him. “Wha’ happened?” He asked faintly.

Steve saw a hint of clarity in the blue eyes. He got up and pulled Bucky up to sit on the bed. “You had a nightmare.”

Bucky brushed a strand of sweat drenched hair out of his face. “Sorry.”

Steve shook his head. “All good. It’s feeding time anyway. Why don’t we go sit and talk?”

Bucky was trying to figure out what was happening. He felt like someone had violently shaken his brain, and then put it back in his head. Of course, they had wiped his mind so often, it wasn’t surprising if his head was a grey matter milkshake.

Steve discovered he’d wet through his pull-up again. He was going to end up using regular diapers at this rate. He didn’t enjoy switching sheets every night.

Steve changed into a fresh pull-up and pajama pants and helped Bucky change out of his sweat soaked pjs.He followed Steve out to the kitchen table.

Steve put on his IV and patted the chair. “Sit.” He pulled the small step stool out of the corner for Nat and sat on the other chair.

“Are you okay, Buck?”

Bucky shrugged. “Think so. I dunno. Confused.”

“It’s okay,” Tasha soothed. “Try to relax.”

Steve rubbed a hand over his face. “That was not intended. Sorry we woke you.”

“Is this as much as he’s sleeping at night?” Nat asked.

Steve let his head fall onto the table with a soft thud. “He’s very restless. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep. I’m just tired.”

Nat patted his shoulder sympathetically. 

Bucky felt different. Somewhere in his head there was a change happening. The nightmare had done something. He didn’t know what. He was remembering things.

“Steve,” He tested his words carefully, feeling out what his next words meant before speaking. “I am scared, I think.” He looked at Steve and Nat, trying to formulate his next sentence. “My nightmare, it made a thing happen in my head.”

Steve patted his hand. “What are you scared of? Having nightmares is pretty normal after the crap you went through.”

Bucky thought for a long moment. “I don’t like it.”

Nat took his metal hand. “You know what, babe, none of us do. It’s something we all deal with in the healing process.”

This was healing? He didn’t want it. He was terrified! The feelings made no sense to him.

Bucky focused on her saying babe. Why? Slight anger rankled in him at the thought. He wasn’t an infant. Hydra had kept him in diapers to control him and to make missions easier. He didn’t want to be seen as a baby. He wasn’t helpless.

His IV clicked to a finish.

Steve locked the plug and patted his hand. “All done. Let’s get you changed.”

Nat was looking at him with soft, pitying eyes. He gritted his teeth. Babies had their diapers changed. She was laughing at him inside her eyes. He gathered his courage.

“No.”

Steve looked at him in surprise. “You want to sleep in a wet diaper?”

“No.” He said again. He didn’t know what to say past this. His words weren’t coming fast enough. Anger was starting to build.

He wanted to be good. He wanted to be the asset. Respected. Controlled......

“NO!”

“Bucky,” Steve said, so quietly Bucky almost missed it over the noise in his head. “Relax.”

Orders. Stand down. Relax. Rumlow had told him to relax sometimes. He knew what that meant. He stopped his agitated movements and stayed still, consciously relaxing his tight fists, his tense jaw, his rigid muscles.

Steve was wondering what had triggered the response.

Nat reached out to stroke his hand.He pulled away.

“Do not laugh at the Asset,” he growled.

“You’re good,” she said softly. “I wasn’t laughing at you. Let’s get you changed.”

Good. He was good. He let Stevetake him to the living room and change his soaked diaper.

Steve pulled him to his feet after he was done. “Good boy, Bucky. Let’s go back to bed.”

Bucky followed Steve back to bed, watching as Steve changed the sheets.

“We’ll do laundry in the morning,” he said wearily.

Bucky nodded as he slid into the fresh bed with Steve. He didn’t think he’d fall asleep again.

He thought about his other daddy, and he thought about commander. He thought about the missions that he vaguely remembered, and he thought about Steve. He was starting to think Steve wasn’t a handler. They hadn’t gone back to the Hydra base yet and it had been almost two weeks.

The Asset would be lost soon if he wasn’t maintained. It almost seemed like Steve wanted him to remember.

He looked at Steve. He had fallen asleep again. There was a vague memory that had been poking at his brain today about Steve but he couldn’t quite remember what it was. Maybe he didn’t want to remember.

Bucky had been at Steve’s for just over two weeks when Steve suggested a trip to a medical doctor again.

Bucky shook his head. “No doctor.” Steve knew he didn’t like doctors. Why was Steve so insistent on it?

Steve remained patient. Nat had been able to give him some great points in drawing Bucky out and helping him communicate.

Some days he could talk and carry on a simple conversation. Some days he would pull into his shell and would return to one word answers or requests. Bucky needed help but convincing him of that wasn’t easy.

Steve wanted to get him checked over. Just to make sure that he was alright physically. He wanted to get some advice about mental health. “Bucky, what if you’re sick and you need medicine?”

Bucky looked down at himself. He didn’t look sick. He wasn’t dehydrated or beaten. All the bruises from Hydra’s abuse had faded and healed, at least on the outside.”Not sick,” he said.

Steve sighed a little. “Buck, I made you an appointment. You’re gonna see Dr. Kinsey today after lunch.”

Bucky glared at him. “No!” He had no desire to see any doctors.

Hydra had called in doctors when he needed his arm attached and all he remembered was screaming in pain and not being let up or given any sedatives.

“The doctor won’t hurt. I promise,” Steve encouraged.

“No!!” Bucky screamed, running to his corner and pushing back into it. “No doctor!”

Steve got his blanket and a box of apple juice from the fridge. He had discovered that Bucky loved apple juice. “I have juice for you,” Steve said, sticking the straw in.

It took a few minutes but Bucky came out of hiding,pouting and back in his regressed state. “Steve-doll come, daddy?” He asked, taking his juice.

Steve nodded. “Yes. Steve-doll can come.”

Damn you Nat for buying that stinkin action figure. People stared without shame when they saw Bucky walking anywhere hugging a half dressed captain America doll. Because he refused to dress it in anything besides a pyjama shirt and the tissue diaper which had to be ‘changed’ several times daily.

One day soon he would find a replacement. Something a little less odd.

As the time for the appointment drew near, Bucky became agitated. He didn’t want to cuddle or be changed. He whimpered when Steve changed him anyway and whined when Steve got his sweater on. 

Steve felt bad. “Bucky I will keep you safe.”Itwas necessary if he hoped to get Bucky into therapy.

Steve packed a small bag with a diaper change for Bucky and his blanket. The appointment time wasn’t ideal. Bucky had gotten so used to napping in the afternoon. “C’mon bud. Let’s go.”

Bucky crossed his arms over his chest. “No!” His lower lip was out in a glaring frown.

Kicking himself, Steve picked Steve-doll up from the floor where he was ‘resting’ and said in his best falsetto, “Bucky, I think I need to see the doctor.”

Bucky was watching him now. “Why?” 

“The doctor needs to listen to my heart and lungs,” Steve continued. 

Bucky shook his head. “No.” 

“Bucky, please!” Steve pleaded.  “I’ll buy you anything you want afterwards.”

Bucky considered this for quite some time. “Change Steve doll?”

Steve sighed. “You drive a hard bargain. Yeah. I’ll change Steve doll without complaining.”

Bucky stuck a foot out for his shoe. “Okay.”

Steve couldn’t believe it had actually worked. He tied Bucky’s shoes, gave him his doll and got him out of the apartment before he could change his mind.

Steve parked at the wellness centre and looked at Bucky.

He was holding Steve-doll tightly and looking terrified. “Maybe no. Steve. Maybe no?” He was whimpering again, his fists clenching tightly.

Steve patted his arm. “I’ll go in with you, Bucky. Relax.”

Bucky chewed his lower lip and then went still.“No doctor?”

Steve took his hand and walked him in.

In the waiting room, some people tried to avoid staring at the grown man with the prosthetic, hugging a doll. Others stared openly. Bucky stared back, his blue eyes icy. 

“James Barnes,” the receptionist called.

Steve was glad they hadn’t waited long. Bucky’s agitation had him jiggling around.

He got up and took Bucky’s elbow, guiding him to the room where she pointed them to.

“Please remove your clothing, and put on the gown provided,” she recited, already moving on to the next patient.

Steve closed the door and tried to get Bucky undressed. 

He started to hyperventilate, hitting at Steve with his flesh hand and Steve doll. “No! No! Leave on!”

“Sorry, Bucky,” Steve apologized.

Bucky started to shake uncontrollably. “The doctor will see you now. The doctor will see you now. Doctor Zola will see you now.” His lip trembled uncontrollably.

“Hush Bucky boy. You’re okay.” Steve got his blanket out and put it to his cheek.

Bucky paced the small room anxiously. “Sit?” He pointed at Steve’s lap.

He’d become very cuddly when he was nervous or upset, or tired. He was probably all three right now. Steve shifted on the hard plastic chair so his lap had room for Bucky.

Bucky sat down, immediately nuzzling his nose into Steve’s neck and putting his thumb in his mouth.

The doctor came in and sat down. “Good afternoon. I’m dr. Kinsey.”

Steve shook his hand with his free arm. “Steve Rogers and this is James but he’s used to being called Bucky. I’m sorry he’s not undressed. He became too agitated.”

Bucky eyed the doctor warily through the curtain of hair over his eye. He didn’t look dangerous but that meant nothing. Steve had tucked his metal arm behind him and was holding Bucky firmly. He couldn’t attack the doctor without having to struggle out of Steve’s grip first.

The doctor looked at his file. “So we’re doing a physical examination today?”

Steve explained as quickly as he could what Bucky had gone through.

Bucky buried his head in Steve’s armpit, smelling his deodorant and the scent of his laundry soap. He hated talking about hydra, he hated hearing about it and now Steve was telling this stranger all about it! He shook his head against Steve’s chest. “Stop!” He screamed.”

Steve stopped talking.

Bucky relaxed, snuggling into Steve’s arms.

The doctor glanced over at Bucky. “It’s alright. Let’s go over the questions first then. He seems comfortable right now.”

“He’s a bit of a suck,” Steve said, smiling a little.

“Not suck.” Bucky mumbled.

Steve answered the questions as best he could. There were so many that he wasn’t sure of.

When he told the doctor that Bucky was not toilet trained, he nodded. “Incontinence isn’t unusual in people with trauma. Alright. Let’s look him over.”

Steve turned him enough so he was facing the doctor but didn’t make him get off his lap.

Bucky pushed back against Steve when the doctor felt the glands in his jaw and neck. He sucked his thumb harder, feeling very anxious. He hated being touched. The doctor examined his chest and belly and then the scar tissue on the left shoulder. Finally, he touched Bucky’s diaper. Bucky shivered a little and Steve rubbed his back.

He hated the vulnerable feeling. His other daddy had touched him when his little boy was out and hurt him. He didn’t like being touched! Bucky squirmed away.

The doctor moved his hand. “I don’t want to traumatize him further. Do you have any concern about his scrotum or other genitalia?”

Steve shrugged. “I don’t think so. He pees lots, has messy diapers.”

The doctor nodded. “Any future concerns, just call.”

When the doctor was done poking at him, he shoved Steve-doll towards the doctor. “Check.”

Dr. Kinsey smiled and ‘checked’ the doll as well. “I think you’re both in pretty good shape,” he smiled.

He asked Steve some questions about Bucky’s mental health.

Steve told him he wanted a referral to a good therapist. 

The doctor left to get some information.

Bucky yawned widely while Steve got him dressed again. “See? That was alright.”

Bucky shrugged. He still didn’t like doctors.

The doctor came back in. “I would recommend immediate psychiatric help for Bucky. Working through this amount of trauma on his own will be difficult.” He gave Steve several different cards. “Here’s some doctors I would highly recommend for his case.”

Bucky was trying to figure out what psychiatric help meant.

On the way home, Bucky’s nervous stomach gave way to a mess. Steve was just glad it had waited.

Once he was changed and having his 2:30 feeding, Steve gave him a pillow and lay him down on the couch. Bucky was exhausted.

While Bucky napped Steve looked over the psychiatric offices that the doctor had recommended. Chances of getting Bucky to go would be minimal. But he had to try.

The names were all unfamiliar. He was going to talk to Sam.

He called his friend and told him everything the doctor had said. Then he gave him the names of the psychiatrists. Sam promised to call them and pick the best.

When Bucky got up at four, Steve said, “Bucky, I have to go out for a few things. Let’s get you changed and dressed.”

Bucky yawned, still sleepy.Once he was dry and dressed, he asked Steve where they were going.

“We have to get groceries and I have to pick up some more IV bags for you.” Steve got him into the car. “Buckle up.”

Bucky held Steve doll under his chin as he snapped the seat belt into place. He cuddled his doll, silently watched the passing scenery.

The grocery store wasn’t too busy.

Buckymade Steve-doll zoom over the fresh vegetables and then he landed on the bagels in the cart, squishing them a little.

Steve picked up a few bananas. “Can you please keep Steve doll off the groceries?”

Bucky’s lower lip came out. “Steve-doll is flying. He likes landing on the groceries.” He pouted and hit himself with his fist. 

Steve sensed a tantrum coming. They had been coming regularly over little things. He needed to distract Bucky and looked around. A display of plush toys caught his eyes. A soft brown teddy bear seemed a good choice. “Look Buck. Here’s Teddy.”

Bucky was immediately distracted. He hesitated a moment. “Teddy.” He took the bear and crushed it to his chest. “Teddy, this is Steve doll.”

Steve grabbed things off the shelves, keeping an eye on Bucky. Teddy had been Bucky’s bear’s name back when he was about seven or eight and he’d never gone anywhere without it. Teddy had fought many backyard battles with them. Bucky was busy talking to both of his toys now.

Once the cart was full, Steve guided Bucky to the till. He was sucking on Teddy’s ear. Steve sighed. He wondered if he could replace the doll with the bear.

The cashier scanned in the groceries and then Steve tried to take Teddy to scan him.

“No!” Bucky yelled loudly, holding tight.

“Buck, she just needs to scan it.” Steve tried to reason with him. It was time for a feeding and he was cranky.

“My Teddy!” Bucky cried, starting to freak out.

The cashier, managed to lift the tag enough to scan the bear without disturbing Bucky further. Steve apologized profusely, trying to calm Bucky down.

Steve took Bucky back to the car and put the groceries in. “You didn’t have to yell at that cashier.”

Bucky looked penitent now that they were outside where it was quiet. “Sorry Steve. My Teddy.”

“She just wanted to scan it.”

He frowned and sucked on Teddy’s ear again. The fur was very soft and comforting.He clutched Steve doll in his other hand.

Steve sighed and buckled him in.

When they pulled up to the apartment and parked, a shadow stood in the darker part beside the doorway. “Stay.” Steve said. He slowly got out.

“Hey Cap.” Clint Barton stepped out of the shadows, dressed in his Hawkeye gear. “What’s happening?”

“Hell, Clint. You scared me! You talked to Nat?”

Clint nodded. “So can I meet this friend of yours?”

“He’s in the car. But I’m warning you. He’s not quite an assassin anymore.” Steve opened the door. “You can come out Bucky. My friend Hawkeye came to visit.”

Bucky got out, eyeing the newcomer silently. He held tight to his doll and his bear.

Clint and Steve grabbed the groceries and Bucky followed them upstairs.

In the apartment, Clint turned to Bucky who was staring at his bow.

“Hey Bucky. I’m Clint.”

“Hawkeye,” Bucky said, pointing at the bow.

“Technically yeah.” He eyed Bucky’s metal arm. “That is one wicked arm you have.”

Bucky glanced at his prosthetic. “Hydra shit.”

“Language,” Steve said mildly.

Clint laughed. “You training him to be a goody two shoes like you?”

“I’m just trying to help him figure out who he is,” Steve said with a grin.

Clint nodded. “I’m not staying long. I just wanted to let you know there’s rumours of a mission in a few weeks. Fury found a Hydra project he wants to shut down.”

Steve nodded. “Okay. Keep me posted. Hopefully Buck will have made some progress by then.”

Clint nodded. “Gotta run. See ya soldier.”

“Hawkeye.” Bucky said, watching him leave.

Steve put everything away and then told Bucky to sit for his evening IV.

Bucky watched a tv show, absently sucking on Teddy’s ear, while his drip did its thing.

Steve hashed out the question in his mind. What was he going to do with Bucky during a mission? There was no way Bucky was stable enough to fight yet. He wasn’t even stable enough to be on his own yet.

Once Bucky was relaxed, Steve brought up a sore subject. “Buck, when will you be ready to see a psychiatrist?”

Bucky frowned. “Never.” He didn’t want to see anymore doctors. One was enough.

“You have to have therapy, Bucky.” Steve huffed softly. “You need help.”

“”No.” Bucky pointedly ignored him.

Steve looked somewhat defeated and gave a deep sigh. “Fine. I’m done fighting about doctors for now. We’ll discuss it another day.”

As Bucky lay in bed, that night, holding Teddy and with Steve doll on his pillow, listening to Steve snore, he wondered again what psychiatric help meant. It sounded kind of threatening. Steve said he needed it though.... maybe he could go. Once. But not tomorrow. Tomorrow Teddy needed to learn about tv. Bucky snuggled up to Steve and drifted off.

Three. Fucking. Weeks.

Steve was so tired of bringing it up. He was tired of trying to explain to Bucky that a psychiatrist would help. He was just tired. Nightmares disturbed them most nights. Bucky was moody, and he was still just as stubborn as he’d ever been. Stubborn as a frickin mule! Steve was getting frustrated. He kept his temper in check carefully. He wouldn’t yell at Bucky.He yelled at Sam instead. Sam could handle it. He’d given Steve a name. Dr. Ruth Haring. She was highly trained and specialized in trauma victims. 

Steve was sorely tempted to just call. But he didn’t. Bucky had to want help.

Bucky was not sure why Steve was being so quiet. It had something to do with his refusal to see the psychiatrist. He was sure. Why couldn’t Steve understand that all the Hydra crap in his head wasn’t something he wanted to talk about? Steve was just as damn stubborn as he was!

He wanted to make Steve laugh again like Natasha had. Steve hadn’t laughed for a long while. He just looked tired, strained and angry. Bucky thought for a moment.

Steve was doing his supper dishes when he suddenly got a balled up dish towel upside the head.

He frowned and quirked an eyebrow at Bucky. “You wanna throw dish towels, you can dry the dishes.”

Bucky carefully dried a plate, looking at Steve out of his peripheral. He dried the cup and fork and then with a little grin, he smacked Steve with the dish towel. Natasha had made Steve laugh by doing this.

Steve smiled. “Are you starting a dish towel battle, Buck? Because I’m good at this.” He grabbed a towel and slowly rolled it.

Bucky watched with interest, copying Steve.

The towel snaked out across Bucky’s padded ass but he could still feel the snap. He jerked and grabbed the sting for a moment. That had hurt a little but Steve was laughing now! It was a game!

Bucky grinned and went for Steve again, but missed. He dropped the dish towel and grabbed him in a wrestling hold instead.

Steve gave up on finishing the dishes. He struggled against Bucky’s grip then flipped him over. “Hah! Got you now!”

Bucky gave him a big grin. “Got you!” and just like that Steve was underneath him again.

Steve laughed.

They wrestled around for awhile until they were both breathing hard and laughing breathlessly.

Steve had the upper hand right now because he’d pinned Bucky under his weight and was straddling him.

“Are you still ticklish?” Steve asked with a wicked little smile.

Bucky looked at him with a curious shrug. He had no idea what ticklish was.

Steve danced his fingers across Bucky’s side and he giggled nearly throwing Steve off while trying to get away. THAT was ticklish.

“I ticklish you!” He gasped, grabbing Steve’s knee and squeezing, intending to go for his side but he couldn’t reach.

Steve howled with laughter trying to get away. “NO KNEES! Not fair!” But he was laughing as he wrestled Bucky down again.

Bucky learned quickly that Steve was very ticklish and he had a gasping laughing mess of Steve pretty soon.

“Stop,” Steve gasped, pushing Bucky away. “You made me pee.”

Bucky backed off and looked at Steve’s damp pants. “Sorry, Steve.”

“It’s fine.” Steve was still giggling as he hurried to the bathroom.

Bucky watched him pee into the toilet from the living room.Steve had laughed. They had fun. Bucky felt good.

When Steve had changed into a diaper andpyjamas, he sat on the couch and patted his lap. He’d finally given up on using pull-ups. He didn’t know why his wetting had gotten heavier but it had.

Bucky shook his head. “I need change.”

Steve changed him then put his pyjamas on as well. “Ok Buck. Thank you for the fun. Now come sit.”

Bucky sprawled across Steve’s lap, clutching Teddy and sucking his thumb. He felt so relaxed after the exercise and the laughter. 

Steve brushed his hand over Bucky’s shoulder and hugged him lightly.

“Buck....”

Bucky waited but Steve didn’t continue so he turned his face up to look at him.

Steve’s eyes were serious now.

“What?” Bucky asked around his thumb.

“Can we please talk about seeing a psychiatrist? I think it would be so good for you.” Steve’s voice was soft and pleading.

Bucky didn’t say anything for a very long moment. There were so many things about seeing a therapist that scared him. “Would you come with me?”

“Of course I would,” Steve said softly. “I’d never make you go through this alone. “We’re together. Till the end of the line.”

Bucky latched onto the promise. End of the line. He felt wetness in his eyes that wasn’t from panic or terror. There was a different feeling of fullness in his chest. Like a soft heavy blanket. His eyes were watering. He didn’t know why.

He was a good boy for Steve. And Steve didn’t ask him to do many things. The anxiety wanted to say no but he could do it for Steve.

He nodded. “Okay Steve. But just one time, right? If I don’t like it I don’t have to go back?”

“Just once,” Steve promised.

Finally, he could hopefully find some healing for Bucky.

He called Dr. Haring’soffice two days later in the afternoon while Bucky was sleeping, and had set an appointment in three days.

Steve had thought he’d have to drag Bucky kicking and screaming. He was glad he wouldn’t. Because Bucky in full tantrum was not something Steve wanted to deal with too often.

As they crawled into bed that night, Bucky said, “Steve, do I have to take my clothes off for the Dr. Haring?”

“No Buck. If you do, she’s the wrong therapist.” Steve smiled into the dark then pulled Bucky close. “Don’t worry. I’m gonna be with you.”

Bucky cuddled into Steve’s embrace. Steve had promised he would be there. So he would. And he only had to go once. Unless he liked it. Then maybe more


	2. The Psychiatrist Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve gets Bucky in to see Doctor Ruth Haring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m dividing The Psychiatrist rewrite into chapters because it’s so long.

James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes,  walked into the huge brick building, covering his prosthetic arm as he always did. He carried his Captain America backpack over one shoulder. 

He walked to the desk and silently eyed the narrow faced man sitting there.  Was he safe? 

He looked to the glass doors.He wanted Steve to come but Steve had to park the car. He’d promised Bucky didn’t have to do this alone.The desire to chew on his fingers was making him fidget. 

Bucky flexed the fingers of his metal prosthetic slightly. 

The man at the desk looked up. “May I help you?”

Bucky looked at the doors again but Steve wasn’t there. “Bucky,” he said finally trying to remember what Steve had told him to say. 

The secretary slowed his movements. “Are you all by yourself?” 

Bucky’s throat was closing as he panicked. “Steve,” he whispered, pointing at the doors. 

The secretary nodded paging through his book. “I’m sure Steve will be right in. Dr. Haring is on the 2nd floor. Office 206. The stairs are there.”

Bucky backed away slowly watching all the activity in the lobby before backing through the door. He let his back rest against the solid metal for a few moments. He needed teddy! He opened his backpack and took the brown plush bear out.Carefully zipping up his backpack again, he dashed up the two flights of stairs and through the door at the 2nd floor landing. 

He didn’t want to be here. It smelled like a doctors’ office. 

206\. The door was white. Devoid of any decor save the numbers and a small plaque with the name “Dr. Ruth Haring. Psychiatrist”. 

He wouldn’t be here if it hadn’t been for Steve’s pleading. He took a deep breath, crushing the bear to his chest. 

He was a super soldier. A trained assassin. He could do this!To satisfy Steve, he’d said he would come one time. Once. He could do it. Taking a breath, he opened the door and stepped inside. 

The office was quiet. His combat boots made no sound on the plush floor.  He sat on the edge of one of the cushioned chairs.  

His discomfort was growing by the second.  Where was Steve?? His mind was filled with anxiety about what the doctor would ask him. Would she ask him about Hydra? He didn’t want to talk about Hydra.What if she asked about the Soldier? He didn’t want to talk about the cold blooded, ruthless assassin either!! 

He held teddy tightly, tentatively sucking on his ear. 

He jumped when the door to the inner office opened and the client that had been in with the doctor walked out and left the office. 

What if he had to go in alone? Steve had PROMISED. Steve would come soon. 

Dr. Ruth stepped out of her office a few moments later and studied her newest client silently.She saw pain, fear and sadness in his blue eyes. 

He looked scared more than anything else. 

“Bucky,” she said softly.  “I’m ready for you.”  She noted the way he clung to the bear in his arms. 

He stood up uncertainly, taking a step towards her. He looked longingly at the door. Where was Steve? How long did it take to park the car? He refused to look at the doctor. 

He remembered Steve saying he should go in. That he would find him. 

The doctor waited patiently, on guard to call security if he decided to bolt.She couldn’t lose a patient. Especially this patient.

He finally seemed to come to a decision and followed her. She entered the room and waited for him to come in before closing the door. 

He stared at the closed door, bouncing nervously on the tips of his toes. 

He looked around the office. 

She said nothing, letting him take in the decor,  the bookshelf,  the desk, the chairs, the couch. She saw the battle in his eyes. He was so afraid. 

“Would you like to sit down?” She asked. 

He shook his head. 

She smiled a bit. “Could you please sit down?”

Bucky perched on the edge of a padded chair and sighed softly. 

“What’s your bear’s name ?” She asked after a moment of silence. 

He peered at her. “Teddy.”

“He’s very nice,” she smiled. 

“Mine,” he growled, possessively. 

She marked a few words down in her blank file. Bucky Barnes was going to be a very interestingcase. 

“Bucky,” the doctor said softly, hoping to draw out the aged soldier before her. He only looked 25 or 30 but she knew that he was 102 according to his health file.  

Having endured torture, cryofreezing, brainwashing; she was honestly kind of surprised he talked at all. 

“Can you tell me about Steve?” She asked pleasantly.

 “Steve gone?” He got up, panicking and opened the door. “Steve! Where are you?”

Ruth acted quickly.“Steve will come right away. Come on back,” she said softly, not wanting to disturb the other offices. She gently led him back to his chair. 

He was rocking slowly, chewing on his fingers. She was surprised Captain Rogers had just dropped him off. She had understood that he was coming to the initial meeting as well. She turned her attention back to Bucky. 

Dissociation was high on his list of needs. Regression. Aggression. Social interaction skills. Emotional detachment. She had a long list. She could work with Bucky alone for a year straight. He was starting to panic more. 

“I’ll call Steve,” she murmured. 

The captain answered. “Steve Rogers.”

“Captain, it’s Dr. Ruth. I need your help.”

“I’m almost at your office,” Steve said. “I had to park halfway to Queens.” 

“Okay good, see you in a moment.” She hung up the phone and looked at the pacing soldier. A wet stain was spreading down the inseam of his jeans. He wouldn’t be the first patient to wet himself but it wasn’t ideal! She thought of her cupboard at home with the leftover diapers from her late husband. He had battled cancer for over a year. She’d often considered bringing them. Maybe she should next time she saw Bucky. 

“Steve is coming.” She said softly. 

“Steve,” he repeated.

A minute later the door opened slowly and Steve walked in. “Hey, buddy.”

Bucky angrily hit at him. “You took long!” 

He was sweating profusely but his face relaxed slightly. 

Dr. Ruth’s heart broke for him. He must be so confused. 

Steve gently patted his shoulder. “I know. I’m sorry. Let’s get you cleaned up.” He pulled off the wet pants and Ruth saw he already wore a diaper that was quite obviously soaked through. Made sense. 

Dr. Ruth tried to keep her eyes averted, as Steve rooted in the backpack Bucky had brought for a fresh diaper, wipes and a clean pair of sweats. He rediapered Bucky and put the clean pants on him. 

“Hi Captain Rogers,” she smiled. 

 He nodded, smiling in return as he bagged the wet diaper. 

“I’ll put that in the trash,” she offered. 

“Thank you,” he said. “May I?” He motioned to the sink in the corner. 

She nodded. 

Once Steve was sitting again and Bucky had settled down, Ruth looked at Steve. She tried not to stare at the handsome Captain Rogers. She knew it was just infatuation that she shared with a million other women. He was still nice to look at though. 

“How long has he been incontinent?” She asked, veering her thoughts towards Bucky.

“As far as I know, Hydra kept him in diapers,” Steve said softly. “He told me that taking him to the bathroom was too inconvenient and it interfered with his missions.”

Bucky said nothing. There were so many dark horrors locked in his mind he didn’t want to talk about. Hydra had stripped him of every last shred of dignity. He was very afraid to unlock that mess and try to work through it. 

Ruth looked through her bookshelf selecting a book that she had. “Repeated trauma where the brain just eventually shuts a part down can result in a breakdown of behavioural, emotional and physical control.“

She pushed the book towards Steve. “This has a lot of good information on brain injury and trauma.”

Bucky snuggled into Steve’s shoulder and felt Steve pull him close. He didn’t want to be here but Dr. Ruth was nice enough he supposed. 

Ruth observed the two soldiers. Bucky didn’t seem to even notice that they were talking about him. 

“Does he display any regression? Act childlike? Seem afraid of things that wouldn’t normally be frightening to an adult?” She asked. 

Steve hugged his friend. “Yes. Lots of stuff. Personal hygiene is very scary for him.”

Ruth nodded. “We’ll discuss this in greater detail at future meetings. I’m just trying to get a good picture of Bucky’s limitations and needs.”

Steve dug his wallet out and got some yellowed photographs from the plastic protectors. There was a picture of Steve before the serum with Bucky. “This is about as easy as it gets. This was Bucky before.” 

Ruth could hardly believe that the smiling young soldier in the picture was the same man as the long haired, somewhat scruffy, patient in front of her. 

“He’s been through a lot from what your friend, Sam, gave me as information and what you supplied.”

Steve sighed. “Yeah. I don’t know if you can help him. But I have ta try and do something for him.”

Bucky stirred a little, putting his thumb in his mouth and hugging his bear closer. “Steve doll?”

Ruth observed the interaction.

Steve dug into the bag and brought out a male action figure, dressed in a T-shirt and what looked like a tissue diaper. 

Ruth sat forward .  “Who’s this, Bucky?”

Bucky held the doll out. “Steve doll.”

She took the offered doll, seeing it was a Captain America action figure. “That’s a very nice Steve doll.” She handed it back. “How does Steve doll feel about seeing me?”

Bucky considered this, then said, “Scared.”

Ruth nodded. “It’s scary seeing new people.” 

Bucky put the doll in Steve’s face. “Change!”

“Not right now,” Steve said softly. “Little later.”

“Steve doll wet!” He insisted. 

Ruth tried not to smile at the childlike quality to his insistence. It was adorable. 

Steve patted his hand. “Can we put Steve doll in your backpack for a nap?”

Bucky shook his head. “Wet!” 

Steve sighed deeply. “Bucky, try to be reasonable.”

Bucky started to get agitated. 

Ruth pulled a tissue from the box on her desk. “Can I help?”

Bucky looked at her, then slowly gave her his doll. “Change.”

Ruth ‘changed’ the doll. “There. He feels a lot better.”

Bucky flashed her a smile. 

Steve rolled his eyes. “My friend, Natasha, gave him this doll and he won’t let it go.”

Ruth considered it a moment. “He may associate the doll with you and safety but also wants to relate it to himself. I think he is trying to process his existence outside of the torture and trauma he experienced.”

Steve had to agree. “Or he just likes to diaper his toys. Last night we had to diaper Teddy before bed.”

Ruth smiled. “Much like a child’s learning process, Bucky is exploring the parameters of his new world with you.”

Steve felt overwhelmed with all the information. “I think we better end this first session here, Doctor,” Steve said. “Bucky still gets tired easily. He’s used to napping in the afternoons.”

Ruth nodded. “Can I see him tomorrow again?” 

Steve thought a moment. “Yes. Is it possible to see you in the morning though?”

Ruth looked in her appointment book. “I could see him at ten-thirty.”

Steve shook his head. “Ten-thirty is feeding time for Buck. He’s on IV feedings.” He grinned at her a little self consciously. “You don’t make house calls, do you? He’s really difficult to take out.” 

“I can make exceptions,” she said, without adding ‘for you’ even though she wanted to. She knew most women would give anything to be invited to spend time with Steve Rogers!! Something about Bucky was also pulling at her heartstrings. She wanted to help him. 

“Really?” Steve asked in glad surprise. 

She nodded. “I can be at your place at ten tomorrow.”

He grinned boyishly and saluted her. “Tomorrow then.” 

She watched them leave, then allowed herself one giddy giggle before going out to get her next patient. 

Ruth could hardly wait for the next morning. 

She’d cleared her schedule with Annie, her supervisor, after explaining in scant detail that one of her patients needed home visits. 

When she pulled up in front of the low rental apartments, she looked around. How was it that these two sweet veterans lived in such a place?

A young man lounged against the wall smoking what she presumed was a joint. He eyed her lazily but didn’t move. 

She hurried inside and up the stairs. She rapped sharply on the thin wooden door, accosted by the smell of old grease and dirt. Didn’t anyone clean? 

A moment later, Steve opened the door. “Good morning, Dr. Ruth. Come in.”

“Good morning.” She made a conscious effort not to stare at the snug white T-shirt stretched across his chest. The small apartment smelled of cleaner and a slight odour of diapers. 

Bucky was on the couch in a diaper and a t shirt watching tv and playing with his teddy bear. 

“How is Bucky this morning?” She asked, laying her bag on the table. 

“He’s tired. He didn’t sleep well. He had nightmares last night.”Steve set a steaming cup of fragrant coffee in front of her. 

“Thank you,” she smiled.“What are his nightmares like?”

“Violent,” Steve frowned.“He gets really aggressive and screams and yells. I have to try and convince my landlord that it’ll get better. He’s not happy because he’s getting complaints.”

Ruth felt a stupid idea coming on but she tried to ignore it. Not a good idea at all! “Are you being evicted?”

Steve flicked his hand in dismissal. “Sorry. You didn’t come to hear my problems.”

“Your welfare is directly related to the mental health of my patient.” She tried to speak professionally but it was hard to keep the emotions out. 

Bucky reminded her so much ofRyan it was hard not to tear up.He was so sweet, childlike and innocent.She glanced back at Steve in time to see him stretch, then get up to get an IV bag. 

He shrugged his wide shoulders. “We’ll find someplace.” 

Ruth wanted to dig her eyes out. Her face felt hot when she glanced at his backside. What was wrong with her?? She was going on thirty! Yet she was acting like a stupid school girl with a crush. 

“I’ve got room,” she blurted out, before thinking better of it. 

Steve gawked at her like she’d lost her marbles. “What’s that?” 

Ruth blushed deeply, wondering if her brain had taken leave of her senses.Captain Rogers didn’t need a woman with a crush on him! He needed a psychiatrist to help his friend! 

She studied Bucky. He had come to Steve and was patting his arm eagerly. 

Steve attached the bag. “Sit down. I’m gonna talk to Dr. Ruth.”

Bucky sucked his thumb, half dozing. 

Steve gave Ruth a long look. “You have a basement suite for rent?”

“I have a couple of bedrooms,” she said quickly. 

Her mind was made up. “I also think I could help Bucky better if I could observe him more. Get to know him.” 

Steveconsidered it. “What’s your rental rate?” 

She knew instinctively that Steve would not take kindly to charity. 

“Four hundred dollars a month.”

Steve nodded. “We can do that.”

“When do you need to be out of here by?” She asked. 

Steve looked around. “Next week. Thanks, Ms Haring. I’ll have the rent money for you next week.”

While the IV bag finished, Ruth and Bucky talked about Teddy. 

She was trying to get a clearer picture of his language skills. 

She noted that his doll was also beside him. “Bucky, can you tell me about Steve doll’s favourite thing?”

Bucky glanced at his doll and put his finger to his lips. “He’s sleeping.”

“Does Steve doll like to have naps?” She asked softly. 

Steve unclippedthe bag. 

Bucky shook his head. “Steve doll screamed before he sleep. He so mad at Commander.” 

Ruth nodded solemnly. “Poor Steve doll.”

Bucky chewed his lower lip, his big, blue eyes serious. “Commander makes him very cold. Steve doll needs help, Dr .Ruth.How?” He flapped his hands slightly, nervously and bounced on the balls of his feet.

Ruth realized he was talking about the cryofreeze process.“Can we wake Steve doll up? Maybe if Bucky and Dr. Ruth both go and tell Commander that Steve doll is cold, maybe we can take him out and wake him up.”

Bucky’s breathing had gotten shallow. 

“Dr. Ruth will help you get Steve doll.” She waited to see how he would react. 

He frowned thoughtfully. “Kay. Steve doll is so cold.” He reached for the doll and Ruth was taken aback when he suddenly threw the doll on the floor and yelled “Get up!”

He slammed the doll onto the coffee table and began beating on it. “Disgusting! You make me sick!” He turned away, cramming himself into a corner beside the couch for a minute, breathing hard. 

Then just as suddenly he was back and cradled the doll. “Your name is Steve doll.Get ready to fight!”

Ruth watched with pain in her heart.This poor baby. 

“Oh oh. Mess.” He pushed the doll at Ruth and pointed to the doll’s diaper. “Change.”

Ruth got a tissue and spied a roll of tape on the coffee table. 

Bucky got up,bringing her a box of wipes. “Yuck! Disgusting!”

She changed the doll, playing along with Bucky’s little story. “He couldn’t help making a mess. He’s a good boy. Dr. Ruth will change him and he’ll be all good.”

“No!” Bucky yelled, hands flapping harder. “Disgusting!” He grimaced, crouched for a second, then paced away towards the bedroom, obviously agitated. 

Ruth stayed calm and changed the doll, rubbing its back afterwards. “Steve doll, you’re such a good boy. It’s okay that you made a mess.” Her voice was soft and soothing.

Bucky watched her with confusion, slowly settling down. “Good boy?”

She nodded. “Bucky’s a good boy too.”

He shook his head but came closer, holding his hand out for his doll. “Good boy.”

Ruth gave him the doll. “Yes. Good boy.”

Steve came into the living room, quietly watching the exchange. “Did you figure something out with him?” 

Ruth nodded. “Just a strategy that I think might work with him.” 

The former assassin was still agitated and bouncing on his toes lightly. Talking about the cryo with Dr. Ruth had made anxiety squeeze his stomach. He wasn’t sure why it had been there in his head to talk about or why he had been able to see the memory today.He’d come to the conclusion finally that Steve wasn’t a handler, and he wasn’t Hydra. He was a friend. Steve wasn’t putting him in the chair for maintenance. He wanted to make Bucky feel things. He said he was good when he felt scary feelings. It didn’t feel good. He looked at Steve doll. He was safe now. Bucky and Dr. Ruth had saved him. Dr. Ruth had changed him and he wasn’t disgusting. It was too much to process. He squeezed his eyes shut. Cryo had always made him sick. He had disgusted the technicians. His stomach cramped and he instinctively let go.

Steve got a clean diaper. “Bucky. Lay down on your towel.” He motioned to the towel on the floor where he changed him. 

Bucky refused to face Steve. “Disgusting,” he whispered.

Steve shook his head and wrapped his arms around him. “No. You’re my good boy. My very good Bucky boy.”

Bucky slowly raised his eyes to Steve’s. “End of the line?”

Steve nodded with a teary smile. “Till the end of the line.”


	3. The Psychiatrist chapter 2

A week later, Ruth welcomed the two soldiers into her home. 

Steve looked around at the grand house. He wasn’t used to such finery. It reminded him somewhat of Stark tower, the Avengers headquarters. He removed his shoes and Bucky’s boots, setting them carefully on the shoe rack. They both stared in awe at the vaulted ceilings and the many windows. “You have a beautiful home.” Steve took Bucky’s hand, following her through the kitchen to the hallway. 

She took them to the two bedrooms on the main floor just down from hers.  “These will be your rooms. I assumed you would share the one bed, so I set the other room up as a changing room for Bucky.”

Steve was awed at her sensitivity and creative flair. “Thank you.” 

The bedroom was painted in cool shades of blue and grey. A large king size bed called to them, made up in masculine coloured bedding. 

The second room was a beautiful mural of a sandy seashore painted in sand and brown and light blue. Funny little crabs walked around the sandy part of the walls. Starfish and turtles decorated it as well. Dolphins jumped out of the blue parts. 

Bucky pointed and giggled at the crabs’ expressions. 

Steve was surprised by the low change table and the shelves, already stocked with diaper cream, powder, wipes, some diapers and other paraphernalia for changing. “How did you know what to get?” He asked curiously. 

“This was all my husband’s stuff before he passed away,” she said, with a soft sentimental smile. 

Steve fidgeted uncomfortably. “I’m sorry.”

Ruth shrugged. “It’s been almost three years. I’ve done my grieving. It’s time to put it to good use again.”

Steve nodded. “Again, Thank you.”

Ruth eyed Bucky. “Do you want to change him? He looks a bit saggy.”

Steve patted Bucky’s backside. “Yeah. He needs a fresh diaper.” 

She chuckled. “I thought so.”

“You’ve changed adult diapers before, obviously?” Steve asked hesitantly.

“My husband had cancer and was incontinent for the last year. May I?” She asked, reaching for the diaper Steve had grabbed. 

Steve shrugged. “I don’t think it’ll matter to him. Bucky, Dr. Ruth is going to change your diaper.”

Bucky watched her but didn’t try to squirm away.  She gently tugged his pants down and untaped the soggy diaper. “You are a very wet boy,” she said, fond memories of Ryan making her voice soft.

Steve gave her a few wipes. “I just give him a quick wipe even after a wet diaper.”

She wiped him and he shivered. 

“Watch for the golden fountain!” Steve warned, just as pee squirted up. “Sorry,” he laughed. “He does that a lot.”

She covered him until it was safe then patted Bucky’s stomach with a laugh. “Changing rule one with boys. How could I forget?” 

Bucky giggled. “Mommy almos’ get wet.”

“I sure did,” she agreed without missing a beat. She got a fresh diaper under Bucky and secured it snugly. “That should be better.” 

Steve waited for her to address it but she shrugged it off. “Regression is common. He labels the people he trusts to care for him. No biggie.”

“It doesn’t bother you?” Steve asked, trying to understand. 

She shook her head. “Nope. Do you like Chinese? I want to order Chinese for dinner.”

Steve nodded, wondering at the gem of a woman that they’d discovered. 

They talked easily until dinner was delivered. 

Ruth dished them both a generous plateful and sat down at the table. 

Steve glanced at Bucky. He was completely happy. 

Bucky had discovered that Ruth had cable and was gleefully surfing channels. 

“Have you considered starting him on food?” She asked gently.

“I have,” Steve said with a worried frown. “I just don’t know how! Hydra just fed him vitamins and supplements by iv. And that’s what I’ve been doing the last three weeks.”

“Poor baby,” Ruth sighed.

“You think he can learn to eat?” Steve asked.

“Absolutely,” Ruth said with a smile. “It’ll just take time. I have a friend who’s a medical doctor. I’ll ask her what to do.”

“You want to do that for us?” Steve asked. “Isn’t that like above and beyond your role of psychiatrist? I feel like we’re imposing.”

“I’m not a shy wall flower Steve. My husband died of cancer. I took care of him here at home right up to the end. And I fed him, and changed him.”

Steve gave her a long look. “Thank you for sharing.” 

“How stubborn is he?” She asked with a glint of humour.

Steve rolled his eyes. “You have no idea.... He’s worse than a donkey in a horse race.”

“I’ll call my friend after dinner. She can give us advice.”

The doctor had time the next morning. Steve was nervous. After the toilet training fiasco he didn’t want to traumatize Bucky further.

Bucky seemed happy enough to be at Ruth’s and crawled into bed with Steve after his ten thirty feeding and diaper change.

Steve was tired enough however, that he slept. 

When the doctor showed up the next morning, Bucky had crawled into a corner in the kitchen. He refused to come out. Dr. Ross was a fountain of information.  She told Ruth they would have to start slow. With only small bits until his stomach could handle it. She suggested starting with bottle feeding while giving him his IV since he liked sucking his thumb. “Start with two to three ounces of formula. If he tolerates that, up it after several feedings. After a few weeks we can probably start baby food. He might choke often to begin with because it’ll be foreign. But don’t give up. I don’t expect him to enjoy it at first.”

Steve nodded, trying to keep up. 

The doctor gave him two five ounce glass bottles and a can of formula with instructions on mixing it. “Expect some throwing up at first. His body won’t be used to it. And make sure you pat his back after or it will all come back up because he’s not used to swallowing air. He’s not going to burp on his own. It’s going to be much like an infant in the feeding department at first.”

Ruth nodded. “If we have questions can we call?” 

“Please do,” Dr. Ross said. “I’ll be back in a week to check on him.”

Steve watched Ruth carefully mix the formula and pour three ounces into the bottle for his ten-thirty feeding. “Hopefully he’ll take it.” 

“We won’t give up if this first time fails,” she said.

Steve sat down with Bucky on his lap, and clipped the IV bag on. Bucky relaxed, watching the tv and sucking his thumb.

Steve took a minute then carefully removed his thumb and replaced it with the bottle nipple. Bucky sucked a mouthful before realizing what it was and pushed it away with a cry of protest, sitting up. He swallowed it and gagged now, at the unfamiliar taste. He whined, looking at Steve with a frown.

“Oh the betrayal,” Ruth giggled.

Steve bit his lip to keep from laughing. “You’re ok, Bucky. It’s milk.”

Bucky shook his head. “No.” 

Bucky kept a wary eye on the bottle as he settled back again. 

Steve rubbed his belly gently, lulling him into a half doze. He tried again. This time Bucky sucked a few mouthfuls in his half asleep state before pushing the nipple out with his tongue. Steve put it right back in. 

Bucky stirred, sucking some more, before he rubbed his eyes and sat up again. He turned away, formula running down his chin. 

Ruth had supplied a hand towel just in case he did bring it back up. Steve wiped his chin. 

Ruth checked the bottle. “He drank an ounce.”

“Better than nothing.” Steve rubbed Bucky’s back and patted it. “He’s a sleepy boy today.”

“You want to try a bit more? His bag is empty.” Ruth held the bottle out.

Steve unlocked the IV bag and took the bottle again. “C’mon Bucky. Little bit more.”

Bucky yawned and Steve took the opportunity to pop the nipple in. Bucky didn’t suck at it immediately but started drinking in hesitant pulls after a minute of feeling out the nipple with his tongue. 

Steve felt him pause and then start coughing as he choked. “Shh. It’s okay.” He’d nearly finished it. “Good enough for now. Good boy.” 

Ruth nodded. “He did good.” 

Steve patted his back intermittently. “Hey buddy, you got air in your tummy?” 

Bucky felt little and he wanted to sleep. The bottle nipple reminded him of something that Daddy Pierce used to give him but it wasn’t milk. He couldn’t remember what it was. His tummy felt painfully full. He squirmed to get comfortable. He wanted to tell Steve that his tummy hurt. Was it because Steve was patting his back?

A big burp erupted suddenly and he stared at Steve, wide eyed. He’d never had that sound come out of his mouth! 

“Good boy!” Steve praised. “That was a good one!” 

Bucky leaned against Steve’s shoulder again. That was better. The pain was gone.

Steve got Bucky’s bear and blanket and let him nap on the couch. “That went better than I thought it would.”

Ruth was thoughtful over lunch. They were sitting at the table, eating leftover Chinese. As she picked apart a chicken ball she said, “I think I’ll go into work this afternoon and redo my schedule so that I am only working mornings. I’d like to work with Bucky in the afternoons from one to two thirty.”

“That would work,” Steve said, “Please don’t just rearrange everything for us though.”

Ruth smiled, forcing her eyes to stay on his handsome face. “Captain Rogers, I wouldn’t actually even need to work. My husband made sure of that. I did it because I had nothing better to do. Bucky is a very interesting case and I’d like to invest time into him.”

Steve’s blue eyes danced with happiness. “Thank you, ma’am. Sam was right when he said you were the best.”

Ruth wondered if Sam would still say it if he knew how often she unintentionally ogled his friend’smuscular chest or slim waist or even that very handsome jawline. Okay. Not always unintentionally either. 

Ruth talked to Annie again in between clients, explaining that Bucky was going to take more of her time. She didn’t say anything about the boys moving in because she knew that Annie would try to get Bucky taken off her caseload. Getting too emotionally attached to a client was unprofessional. 

Ruth had been fine with that rule up until she met Bucky a week ago. 

In the last week, seeing him opening up little by little to her as they played with Steve doll and Teddy was so rewarding. The cryofreeze story had replayed itself a few times. 

Her strategy of using play therapy was working. It was training she had done many years ago as a student when she’d considered child psychiatry. The strategy was to project Bucky’s memories and emotions onto Steve doll or Teddy and explore and process them in this way. It was going to take awhile. She needed a few more toys. But it wasn’t necessary yet. 

Bucky woke from his nap, and got up, seeing Steve puttering around in the kitchen. He was making dinner. 

Bucky yawned. He’d slept a long time. He was hungry. He patted his arm. 

Steve turned around. “Hi Buck. Nice nap?”

Bucky patted his arm again. 

Steve glanced at the clock. “Almost feeding time. Can I warm you up a bottle first?”

Bucky had no idea what he meant. He patted his arm a third time. 

Steve was glad Ruth had mixed the second bottle of formula as well. He warmed it up a few seconds in the microwave and shook it to disperse the warmth evenly. He got an IV bag and said, “Come sit.” 

Bucky followed him to the couch eyeing the bottle and shaking his head. “No.”

“I’ve got this too,” Steve reassured him, showing him the bag. 

Bucky sat down hesitantly, holding out his arm. 

“Twenty minutes till IV,” Steve said. “First milk.”

Bucky shook his head again. 

Steve teased his lips with the bottle nipple but Bucky pushed it away. “NO!” He slapped Steve’s arm angrily. “Here!” He pointed at his IV lock. 

Steve nodded. “Yes, honey. I will.” He tried the bottle again. 

Bucky screamed and threw himself off the couch. 

Steve set the bottle down and hauled Bucky back onto his lap. “You’re okay.” He put Teddy in Bucky’s hands. 

Bucky cuddled his bear, settling down. 

Steve turned on the tv to a dog show then slowly brought the bottle to Bucky’s lips. Just like the first time, it took a minute of playing with the nipple in his mouth before he started sucking properly. 

Steve held it steady, feeling the slight pull stop as he chewed on the nipple instead. He wiggled it a bit, and was rewarded when Bucky started to nurse again. “Good boy,” he whispered. 

Bucky drank most of the three ounces and then Steve clipped on his IV. 

Bucky squirmed and grunted a little. 

“Your tummy full?” Steve asked, patting his back firmly.He had the towel ready just in case. 

Bucky shook his head. The milk was very heavy. He was only supposed to have little sips! He was going to be sick! He felt his stomach flip flop. He belched and was surprised when the milk stayed mostly down. Some came up and dripped onto the towel. 

Steve wiped his mouth and kept patting his back. Another small burp escaped and Bucky giggled. 

Steve chuckled. “You’re a gassy boy. But that’s what we want. That means your tum tum is working.” 

Bucky frowned. “What’s tum?”

Steve laughed. “Your stomach.” He gently patted Bucky’s stomach. “We want to get this part working again.”

Bucky shrugged. He didn’t know what that entailed. Honestly, he didn’t care. 

Ruth and Steve fell into a routine where she worked in the morning and then she did play therapy with Bucky in the afternoon. Some days were good, and some not so good. 

Dr. Ross was happy that Bucky was drinking five ounces by the end of two weeks. She started lowering his IV intake and upping his formula. 

Bucky did not like change in his routine and the change in feeding meant a change in routine. He now needed a bottle every three hours or so to get the correct balance and it was throwing him off. 

He pushed his noon bottle away for the third time and screamed “NO!” In Steve’s face. 

Steve had mostly infinite patience where Bucky was concerned. He kept trying and eventually Bucky let Steve snuggle him on his lap and put the bottle nipple in his mouth. Because there was more it meant taking a break to have a back pat. Bucky was starting to be able to burp on his own without vomiting sometimes but Steve still wanted to be sure he was okay. 

Bucky had almost fallen asleep when Steve heard the bottle go empty. He’d been so caught up in the show he’d forgotten to take a break. He carefully sat up, grabbing the towel. Bucky sagged against him, dozing lightly. 

Steve patted his back. He was a pro at this already. 

Bucky whined and threw up a bit. Steve wasn’t surprised. “Sorry bud,” he apologized. 

Bucky fell asleep, hunched over Steve’s arm. “You won’t burp if you’re sleeping,” Steve commented, carefully laying him down. 

One other part of his routine that changed was his bowel movements. Dr. Ross gave Steve a heads up that there might be an adjustment period where he would have more. Bucky wasn’t impressed to say the least. He was cranky, tired and hungry almost all the time because his body was adjusting and on top of that now he was having four or five messy diapers a day. 

Ruth had just walked in from her morning at the office to hear Bucky screaming. 

He was having a tantrum. Steve had just finished changing him again and he wanted something but he had no words. 

She came to the living room door and watched him, trying to hit Steve or bite him or do something to appease his rage. 

Steve was calmly restraining him, whispering soft words into his ear.

Ruth watched them for a minute. She wondered how long Bucky had been screaming. When Ryan was having a really bad day his favourite thing was chocolate pudding. She grabbed one from the pantry. She still bought them out of habit.

Ruth dug in her cutlery drawer and pulled out a small spoon that was coated in rubber so it couldn’t hurt Bucky’s mouth. He wasn’t really supposed to have more than formula but a small taste would be okay.

She tore open the top and took a small amount of the dessert onto the spoon. With practiced movement, she put the pudding on his tongue.

He had no idea how to move it to the back of his mouth but the taste had distracted him. 

Steve relaxed slightly. “What did you give him?”

“Chocolate pudding,” she whispered. “I know he maybe shouldn’t have it but he looked exhausted and so did you.”

Steve grabbed a tissue when some ran out of his mouth. “It was a long morning.”

Bucky was licking at his lips now, sticking a finger in his mouth and sucking vigorously. “More.”

“Can I give him a bit more?” She asked. 

Steve sighed. “You’re probably able to answer that better than I can.”

Bucky got three more spoons full before Ruth said no more. He was content after that.

Steve grinned. “Go figure.” 

“I’ll talk to Dr. Ross. He might be ready to start baby food.” She smiled proudly. “Three weeks! Our boy is doing amazing!”

Steve glowed when she said “Our boy.” He’d been trying so hard for the last two weeks to ignore his attraction to this woman. She reminded him of Peggy so much. Seeing her working with Bucky patiently and intently warmed his heart. She met him where he was at every day. 

If Bucky called her mommy, they talked about mommies and daddies and his other daddy at Hydra. Steve almost puked a couple times.

When Bucky brought up Commander, they played missions. Ruth had bought several soldiers for Bucky and he had taken to them calling them by name. Rumlow, Rollins, Westfahl. 

There was one doll in a grey suit that he called Pierce. Most of the time, Pierce spent his time, upside down in the toy bin, underneath a weighted snake that Ruth had found. 

Ruth had also bought a bag of newborn diapers with Velcro closures so Bucky could diaper Teddy. He spent many hours, doing just that. Often it was during therapy. Sometimes he would bring up the horrible things that the techs or agents had said to him during changes. Mostly it was just because he seemed fascinated that Teddy could have diapers. 

Steve was starting to see a small change in Bucky’s communication skills. He was starting to use more than one word at a time when he was relaxed and he didn’t seem as confused. 

Steve started to feel something as well. There was hope!


	4. The Psychiatrist Chapter 3

Dr. Ross was thrilled with Bucky’s progress when she came back two weeks later. Bucky was drinking six ounces regularly now. She was excited to see that he was taking more nutrition by mouth than through IV now. “We can up him to eight ounces.”

She questioned Steve on his swallowing and gag reflex. “How’s he handling the full amount? Is he still needing to be burped in between?”

“He’s starting to bring up air on his own,” Steve said. “I still pat his back but it’s taking less time.”

Dr. Ross checked him over with a quick look. “I think we can take out the plug. He seems to be taking to formula well. He’s not losing weight, from what I can tell.” She smiled. “You have a good hold on him? He’s probably not going to like me very much for this.” 

Steve restrained Bucky gently. “I’ll hold onto him. How long will it take?”

“Not long,” she promised. 

Bucky started to tense as she came close. “Doing?” He asked warily. He pointed at his bottle of formula on the coffee table that Steve had prepared. 

The doctor patted his hand. “You can have that in one minute.”

Steve held tight when she touched his arm and he started to struggle. 

He screamed in an ear piercing fit when the doctor examined the plug, twisting it gently to loosen it. 

Steve was glad he had a good grip on him. Bucky was freaking out now, howling with rage, and then pain as the tiny, sharp, metal clips that Hydra had used to hold it in came out and then the needle was pulled out. 

In a matter of thirty seconds it was out and she was holding an antiseptic wipe to the site. “Shh shh shh,” she soothed. “All done.” She put a bandaid on it. “I know that hurt.”

Bucky, however, showed no sign of settling down. “Mine!” He struggled hard to get out of Steve’s grasp. “Put back!” His breath was coming in heaving gasps. 

“It’s okay, Bucky,” the doctor explained. “You don’t need it anymore.” 

Steve felt his eyes water with sympathy. Bucky didn’t understand. 

It hurt him to see Bucky cry. 

He didn’t shed tears. Ruth said his emotional detachmentmade him unable to actually cry at this point. It was just a reaction to anger. It still broke Steve’s heart. “It’s okay, baby.” 

Dr. Ross handed Steve the bottle of warm formula.

Bucky’s shrill cries finally calmed when Steve gave him his bottle and blanket. He had become accustomed to the bottle and found it comforting. He held it in his right hand, clutching his blanket in his left, swallowing erratically. 

Steve cuddled Bucky, rubbing his back. “Slow down. You’re going to be sick.”

“He’s sweet boy. He’s made a good start but he’s got a fair way to go yet.” Dr. Ross said.“It’s a start. For meals, start feeding him puréed fruits and vegetables. Try to avoid salt or spices for now and watch his bowel movements to make sure he’s not getting constipated. With the IV out, I’d recommend giving him six to eight ounces of water with his meals either in a bottle or a cup if he’ll take that. A cup for water is better so he doesn’t confuse it with his bottle feedings .”

Steve asked if she could write everything down. “I hope he’ll be able to adjust alright.” He had already realized Bucky would probably never be ‘normal’ but he might at least make some sort of recovery.

After the doctor left, Steve cuddled with Bucky till he was completely calm. “You’re such a good boy, Bucky.” 

Bucky grinned at him. “Steve. Teddy?” He brought Steve the bear.“Teddy have milk?”

Steve found the play bottle they’d bought. “Here’s Teddy’s milk.”

Bucky heard the door open and dropped the bear. “Mommy?”

“Ruth is home, yep.” Steve ruffled his hair and went into the kitchen. 

Ruth spied the bandaid on Bucky’s arm and looked at Steve. “Went okay?”

Steve nodded and gave her the page of instructions the doctor had left. 

While Bucky napped after lunch, Ruth ran to the store and got a wide variety of puréed baby food, baby rice cereal for breakfast, and a brand new sippy cup with Captain America on it. 

She and Steve put the little jars in the pantry, separating the fruits and vegetables. “You think he’ll actually eat that?” Steve asked dryly. “You know how stubborn he is.”

“I hope so,” she said. “He hasn’t eaten in a long time. It’ll be interesting to see his reaction to the flavours.”

The afternoon passed in relative calm, considering the chaotic start to the day. 

During therapy, Ruth and Steve saw the first real animosity towards Alexander Pierce from Bucky. He got ‘Daddy Pierce’ out of the toy bin and wanted Ruth to take his clothes off. Steve sat and watched, wondering if Bucky would want to diaper this doll as well. 

Bucky pointed at the doll’s naked crotch. “Oh no. All gone. No more suck my dick?”

“That’s right,” Ruth said. “All gone. Daddy Pierce can’t hurt you anymore.” 

Bucky made a face. “Good. Yuck.” He walked across the room and stuffed the naked doll under a couch cushion.He came back and found one of the soldiers. “Time to have long, cold sleep!” The soldier joined the naked doll under the cushion and then Bucky pounded on it for a moment. “Good night.”

Steve felt quite disturbed but realized Bucky was verbalizing some of the abuse he’d suffered and that was good. He was taking control through role playing. 

Ruth praised him with soft words for doing such a good job. 

He picked up Steve doll and hugged him. “Good Daddy.”

Ruth smiled at Steve. She had to agree with that statement. The man watching Bucky so intently had continued to become dearer to her with each passing day.She was pretty sure the feeling was mutual. They’d shared a few wordless moments where their fingers would touch while caring for Bucky or while cleaning the kitchen, causing electrical frissons of delight to shoot through her. She would smile at him and there was always a tender smile on his face for her. She turned her thoughts back to the man in front of her. 

“Bucky, can you tell me about your day?”

He paused in chewing on Steve doll’s foot. “Doctor come. Take my IV.” He pointed to his arm. “Hurt.”

Ruth nodded. “You were a big boy to let the doctor do that.”

“Daddy hold me.” Bucky cuddled Steve doll. 

“Daddy’s good at hugs and holding you, isn’t he,” Ruth said softly. 

Bucky nodded then brought her a tissue. “Change. Please.”

Steve and Ruth played with Bucky for a few minutes and then got up to make dinner. 

“I think we should start his food in the morning,” Ruth said.

Steve agreed. “He’s tired today. I don’t want to stress him too much.”

Bucky was exhausted from the events of the day so Steve put him to bed early with a bottle. He’d just changed Bucky and was cuddling him, watching him drink his milk. “You know what, Bucky boy?”

Bucky looked at him, pausing. “Hm?” He asked around the bottle nipple.

“A long time ago, when we were together in the war, you asked me if we’d still be best friends even if one of us fell in love with a girl. I can answer that question now. The answer is yes.” 

Bucky seemed to process that for a minute and then smiled a little, closing his eyes.

Steve joined Ruth on the couch a few minutes later to watch a movie. After forty five minutes he realized he didn’t even know who the characters were. He was too distracted by thoughts of wanting to address his attraction to her. He wanted to have the go ahead to kiss her if she was willing. She was so perfect. 

He carefully took her small hand in his, hoping he hadn’t read the signals wrong. He always felt awkward. He wasn’t a ladies’ man like Bucky had been. 

She glanced at him, eyes wide with tentative hope.

He smiled. “Ruth, you are so beautiful.” He gently kissed her fingertips. 

She put a hand on his jaw. She felt him swallow. He licked his lips a bit nervously. She found it endearing.She gently drew him down, meeting his lips, movie forgotten.

Steve put one arm around her and let himself relax into the kiss, her soft lips making him want to sigh with pure happiness. 

When they parted, Steve kissed her forehead softly. “Thank you, doll.I’ve been wanting to do that for awhile now.”

She giggled a little, self consciously. “Me too.”

Grinning like someone who’d just won a lottery, he bid her good night and hurried to bed. 

As he diapered up,the kiss replayed in his mind. Her lips were soft and inviting. She felt so right. He fell asleep with a smile on his face.

Bucky’s first try at eating started the next morning.He had awakened before Steve which wasn’t odd.Sometimes he stayed in bed but today he was too wet. He slid out of bed and walked out of the room, feeling his diaper squish uncomfortably.

Teddy was clutched firmly in his left hand. He went to find Dr. Ruth. 

She was making coffee. “Good morning, Bucky.” She smiled brightly at him. 

“Morning.” He hesitated. “Change?”

She took his hand and led him to the change room. 

He lay down, stretching.“Steve sleeping.”

“Yes. We have to be quiet.” Ruth said, blowing a raspberry on his belly. He giggled and squirmed. 

When he was dry, Ruth said she would feed him. 

He looked at his arm, at the small bandaid there. “Oh oh. Oh no. Ruth! Oh no.”

“You’ll have a bottle and cereal.”

“Cereal?” He asked reluctantly.“What’s that?”

She patted a kitchen chair. “Sit down.” She tied a bib around his neck and poured some of his formula on the baby rice cereal.She stirred it to a nice consistency then warmed it up a bit. 

He looked askance at the bowl, patting his arm nervously. “Milk. Please. Milk.”

Ruth felt like a monster. He was just starting to use manners and it cut her to say no when he asked so nicely.“Let’s try this, baby.” She offered him a small spoonful but he turned away.

“Milk. Please.” 

Ruth had to be strong. “Try this first, please.”

He shook his head. “No cereal. Milk!” His voice was getting louder as his anxiety and stubbornness surfaced.

Steve walked into the kitchen, pulling a T-shirt on. “Oh g’morning. I thought I heard Buck. Everything okay?”

“We’re going to try some cereal,” Ruth explained. 

“Oh yummy!” Steve enthused, coming to crouch between their chairs. 

Bucky looked at him, then at the spoon. “Steve try it?”

Ruth bit her lip to stop the laugh at Steve’s concerned look. 

“Sure bud.” He allowed Ruth to put a small amount in his mouth and swallowed quickly.“Yum!” 

Bucky frowned a little but opened his mouth for the spoon. Ruth put some cereal in his mouth. He balked at the new texture, working it around in his mouth and then swallowing. 

Ruth wiped his chin then held another spoon for him and was ecstatic when he opened his mouth again. 

Once the cereal was gone, Ruth gave him his bottle. “Good boy, Bucky.”

He wandered to the living room to watch tv. 

Steve sighed, pretending to gag silently. “Don’t ever let me try that stuff again,” he whispered. 

She giggled quietly. “Hey, you got him eating.”

Steve rolled his eyes dramatically. “But at what cost? I need coffee!” He poured two cups and gave her one. 

When he reached into the fridge for the cream, Ruth glimpsed a small strip of white above his pajama pants waistband. It gave her pause for a moment’s wild speculation. Did he wear at night as well? It could be underwear. But there was a subtle thickness She quickly put the thought out of her head. It was none of her business. 

Bucky came back into the kitchen twenty minutes later. “Steve.”

“Yeah?” Steve asked. 

Bucky tried to crawl into his lap and Steve made a face. “You stink. Let’s go change your diaper.” 

Ruth wrote in her file while Steve changed Bucky.She could see he’d made some progress. 

When Steve got back and poured a second cup of coffee Ruth had a question.

“When did you first notice the regression in Bucky?” She asked, sipping her coffee. 

Steve thought for a minute. “I was gonna say only after he came back to me six weeks ago but I think it was earlier. After I rescued him from Azzano, back in ‘43.”

Steve helped Bucky into his bunk at the barracks after the team had returned to the base. They were all exhausted. Not only had it been a very long walk, Azzano had left many injured and hurting, Bucky included. 

Steve knew Bucky seemed okay physically but something wasn’t right. He was going to go to his own bunk but a small whimper from Bucky had made him turn back. “What’s wrong?”

“Stay?” Bucky pleaded in a small voice, crushing himself against the wall so Steve would have room on the narrow bunk. 

Steve lay down with his friend, knowing he’d suffered a lot in the last while. “It’ll be ok Buck.” He stroked Bucky’s dark locks and tried to comfort him.

Bucky hadn’t cried that night. His eyes had been hollow and dark with untold horrors. 

Steve had been determined right then that Hydra would die if it took the rest of his life to cut them down. 

Bucky had fallen asleep in his arms, thumb in his mouth. 

Steve had curled around him protectively. No one would see Bucky’s vulnerability. He hadn’t been able to sleep. 

He had dozed off to be awakened several hours later with Bucky in a cold sweat, panicking, screaming, half asleep, dreaming. He’d wet the bed that night and that was very unlike Bucky. And that was only the first time. 

“ I think that was the first time I saw it,” Steve said. “He tried to hide it, sucking his thumb and the bedwetting, but I knew him pretty well. Hydra did something awfulto him.”

Ruth nodded. “It was obviously traumatic at that time too.” 

Steve finished his cup of coffee. He’d been in a bit of a panic when he heard Bucky upset and hadn’t bothered to do more than pull pajama pants on. He hadn’t been that wet this morning. First morning in a long time. “You got time for me to shower?”

She nodded. “Of course. Go shower. We’re good for at least fifteen minutes.”

Steve disappeared into the bathroom. 

“Dr. Ruth,” Bucky called. He’d turned the tv on and found a channel with dogs on it. Bucky loved dogs. “Look at dogs!”

Ruth oohed and aaahed over the cute puppies. “I have to go get dressed for work, Okay?” 

Bucky nodded. 

She hurried to her room and put on her work clothes, bringing her makeup to the living room. 

Bucky was almost done with his milk. “Work?” He asked, abandoning his bottle and coming to check out the makeup. .

She nodded. “It’s Friday.” She gave him teddy and patted his diaper. She went to put away her makeup and get her shoes. 

Steve came out of their room, showered, dressed and looking amazing. He touched her elbow lightly. 

Ruth looked at him, finding those beautiful eyes focused on her. She put her shoe down. 

Without a word he bent down and kissed her. “Have a good morning at work, hon.” His eyes were fixed on her face like he was memorizing every part.

Ruth finally broke the gaze. She felt the warmth in his words and the affectionate endearment. “Thanks, darling.”

He smiled at her, sweet, full of promise and brushed a light kiss against her forehead. “You don’t wanna be late.” He walked back to the living room.

Ruth managed to get her shoes on andthought she might have floated to work but no one seemed to notice so she figured she must look normal. 

For Steve, the morning went quickly in companionable silence. Bucky wasn’t one to talk much. He had another bottle of milk at ten. He insisted Steve change Steve doll because he was messy again, which in turn meant Bucky was messy...again. 

“You turkey!” Steve teased, tickling him a little. “Did you make another messy diaper? You stink!” 

Bucky squirmed, laughing and pushing his hands away. “No! Steve stink!”

“I stink?!?” Steve said in mock horror, sending Bucky into a fit of giggles. 

Bucky nodded. 

Steve sighed dramatically and moaned. “Ohhhh noooo! Bucky thinks I’m stinky! What am I going to do?!”

Bucky was giggling too hard to say anything else. 

Steve changed his full diaper. “We can tell the doctor everything’s working just fine,” he commented, cleaning up the mess. 

Once Bucky was in a fresh diaper he was full of energy and ran around pretending to be an airplane. 

Steve washed up and started lunch. It had become so routine. He cooked lunch on weekdays and cleaned the house while watching Bucky. He didn’t know yet what he would do when the Avengers needed him. He hadn’t forgotten Clint’s visit even though it was several weeks ago. 

As though in answer to his thoughts, his phone rang. When he answered, he was a little surprised to hear Nick Fury’s voice.

“How are things going, Cap?”

“Bucky is settling in nicely,” Steve said. “We’re making some progress.”

“Good,” Nick said shortly. “I need you for three or four days. I’ll send Coulson to pick you up tonight.”

Steve was going to protest but Fury had already hung up. 

When Ruth got home, she was so glad it was the weekend. The morning had been rough. She was seriously considering quitting. She and A co-worker had had a big argument this morning because somehow, word had gotten out that Ruth was harbouring a client. Besides that and trying to explain it to Annie, two of her clients this morning had turned aggressive and security had to be called. She wanted to be home with Steve. 

He looked up as she came in. “Hi doll. How was your morning?”

She shrugged out of her sweater. “I’d rather talk about something fun. What did you boys do?” 

Steve hesitated. “We had a bottle and another stinky diaper...” 

“What else?” Ruth asked, suddenly feeling her stomach drop at Steve’s apologetic look. 

“Nick Fury called. I need to go to work tonight.”


	5. Psychiatrist Chapter 4

Ruth looked at Steve in concern. “Now? How long do we have to prepare Bucky?”

“Several hours,” Steve answered. “Coulson is going to be here around six-thirty.”

Ruth had known this day was coming but she’d kind of hoped it would be when Bucky was more established.It would throw him off. She tried not to think about how much she would miss Steve either.

“Let’s eat lunch and I’ll explain,” Steve said. 

Ruth sighed. “Alright. What should I warm up for Bucky? Green beans or peas?”

Steve chuckled. “He probably won’t like either. He’s not a big vegetable fan.” 

Ruth warmed up the peas and got a jar of applesauce too. 

Steve seated Bucky and put his bib on. He set the new cup on the table full of water. 

Bucky picked it up. “What’s this?” 

“Water,” Steve answered. He put the silicone spout to Bucky’s lips and Bucky automatically sucked on it, getting a mouth full of water. He half choked, spitting water and coughing. 

“Oops,” Steve said. “Smaller sips, bud.”

Ruth offered him a spoon of peas. 

Bucky accepted it then made a face, frowning at Ruth. 

She swallowed her laughter back and gave him some more. He took it but shook his head. “No no.” 

“Yummy peas!” Steve said. 

“Steve have!” Bucky declared, pointing at him.

Ruth couldn’t stop the laughter that bubbled over. “Bucky needs these peas. Then you can have applesauce.” 

He allowed her to put another spoon of peas in his mouth but shook his head again, grinning when they both laughed. 

“He’s just being a goof now,” Steve chuckled. 

Bucky drank some more water. “What’s that?” He pointed at Steve’s sandwich. 

“A sandwich. You need to eat your peas.” 

Steve explained to Ruth what Fury had told him and then said slowly, “I was hoping you could maybe take a few days off and you and Bucky could come to DC with me.”

Ruth looked at him in shocked surprise. “Oh!” Joy filled her. “Yes! I can do that!!” 

“You can?” Steve asked happily. “I really didn’t want to leave Buck alone with you yet for four days with me being that far away.” 

“I agree.” She lay her hand over his. “It’s hard to believe we’ve known each other for over a month already,” she mused. 

“Time has gone so fast.” Steve grabbed Bucky’s bib as he choked on water again. “Slow down, boy. Good grief.”

Ruth fed Bucky his applesauce then started a mental packing list. “Do you need a suitcase to pack for you and Bucky?”

“If you have an extra,” Steve said. “I just have a duffle bag.”

Steve took Bucky and the suitcase Ruth gave him, into the bedroom and put Bucky down for a nap while he packed. 

Unfortunately, Bucky was more interested in what he was doing than in sleeping. 

“Steve! Going away?”

“Yes. We’re going away. Put your head down.” 

“Where going? With Ruth?”

“Yes,” Steve assured him. “Ruth is coming too. We’re going to DC.”

Bucky had already forgotten that they had come from DC six weeks ago. His memory was patchy at best.

He drank his milk for a few minutes, his eyes taking everything in. 

Steve was trying to keep it boring but apparently it was exciting enough to keep him awake. 

When he’d finished his bottle he climbed out of bed. “Steve doll come?”

Steve nodded. “We’ll put your toys in your backpack.”

Bucky found his backpack on its hook. “I get toys.” 

“Bucky!” Steve said firmly. “You’re supposed to be resting.” 

Bucky turned back to look at the bed. “Not sleepy, Steve.”

“You will be tonight though,” Steve argued. “C’mon. Into bed.”

“No.” Bucky looked at him a little fearfully but still stubborn. 

Steve rolled his eyes. “I’ll lay down with you.”

Five minutes later, Bucky was out cold. 

Steve finished packing and then he and Ruth quickly cleaned out the fridge of leftovers and made sure there was nothing that could spoil. They packed a bag for Bucky with bibs, bottles, formula, baby food, wipes and diaper cream. Steve got a new package of diapers to take along and then packed Bucky’s backpack with his toys and a few favourite books. Once they’d made up a few bottles in preparation for the trip and the evening, Steve put everything beside the door. “Did we forget anything?”

Ruth laughed. “I don’t know. If we did we can get it in DC.” She got quiet for a moment. “Steve, how will I know if your friends like me?”

Steve’s face gentled and he put his arms around her. “They will love you.”

“How do you know?” She asked, craving reassurance. 

“Because I love you,” he answered, stroking the back of his hand down her cheek. 

She covered his hand with her own. “I trust you.”

Bucky slept till four and then Steve changed him while Ruth warmed up a bottle.He was too hyper to sit still though. 

“Going soon?” He asked for the fifth time.

“Not yet,” Steve said patiently, holding his bottle, while Bucky spun around the room on his toes. 

Bucky came back to him. 

Steve pulled him onto his lap. “Let’s watch dogs.” He turned on the tv and found animal planet. Puppy Place was on. Bucky settled back, and Steve took the opportunity to pop the bottle nipple into his mouth. 

He chewed on the nipple instead of sucking. 

Steve pulled it from between his teeth. “Drink your milk, babe.”

Bucky wasn’t in a mood to be cooperative. After only a few mouthfuls, he slid off Steve’s lap and onto the floor,giggling as he crawled out of reach. 

“I don’t think he’s very hungry, Ruth.” Steve brought the bottle to the kitchen. 

“He can have one on the way to DC,” she said. “I’m going to feed him his food at five-thirty.”

Steve wrapped his arms around her loosely. “Have I mentioned that you are totally amazing?” 

Ruth grinned up at him. “Maybe once.”

Bucky suddenly pushed between them. “Doing?”

“I was giving Ruth a hug.” Steve explained. 

“Kay,” Bucky said. “My Steve.” He lay his head on Steve’s shoulder. 

Ruth hadn’t even considered that jealousy might be an issue with Bucky. She wouldn’t panic yet. It was common in regressed patients. He didn’t understand.

At five thirty, Ruth fed Bucky squash and blueberries.He didn’t seem to mind them.Steve shook his head at the mess he made. 

Bucky was having issues moving the food to the back of his mouth to swallow.Food dripped down his chin and onto the bib he was wearing. 

“He’s eating,” Ruth murmured, interpreting Steve’s eye roll correctly. “It’ll get better with time.”

Once Bucky was fed and washed up, Steve checked his diaper and then put his shoes on. “Almost time to go in a car.”

Bucky jumped up and down excitedly, clutching Teddy and his blanket. “What car, Steve?”

“We’re going to go with Agent Phil Coulson.” Steve checked Bucky’s backpack to make sure Steve doll was in it.

Bucky stopped bouncing and frowned. “Agent? Hydra?”

Steve shook his head. “No. He’s a good man. With SHIELD.”

“Oh.” Bucky spun around and lost his balance, falling on his bottom. “Ow!”

“Settle down,” Steve warned. “You’re crazy right now.” 

When the doorbell went, Steve and Ruth picked up the luggage and started for the door. 

Bucky gave a shrill, piercing scream. 

Steve cringed. ”For Pete’s sake, Buck. What was that for?”

Bucky’s lower lip quivered. “Come too? No leave Bucky.”

“I wasn’t planning to leave you, honey,” Steve soothed. “Come with us now.”

Bucky followed them out to the fancy, black town car. 

Phil Coulson nodded at Ruth and the driver opened the rear door for her and Bucky. 

Steve put the luggage in the trunk and then slid onto the seat beside Coulson. “Phil, this is Ruth. She’s Bucky’s psychiatrist.”

“Nice to meet you,” he said. 

Ruth buckled Bucky into the seat and tapped his arm. “Here’s your milk.”

The smooth ride and quiet conversation lulled Bucky into a calm state. Ruth let him watch a movie on her phone while he drank his milk. 

She eavesdropped a little bit on the conversation between the aloof agent and Steve.He was saying something about a two day mission in Honduras. She hoped Steve wasn’t going that far! 

She noticed Bucky was chewing on the bottle nipple and stopped him. 

He pulled it away from her, growling. “Mine!”

“Don’t chew the nipple, baby,” she said gently.

Steve looked their way. “He’s been doing that the last few times. You think his mouth is bugging him?”

“I’ll ask Dr. Ross,” Ruth said. “If he needs to chew, we’ll get him some teethers.”

The trip was uneventful, and they pulled into the private parking garage at Stark tower a few hours later. 

“Bucky needs a change,” Ruth said aside to Steve. 

Steve grabbed the diaper bag and Bucky’s backpack. “Pepper has a room ready for us.”

“Pepper?” Ruth asked. 

“Tony’s woman,” Steve answered. 

Ruth immediately liked the tall strawberry blonde.She was straight forward and sweet. 

Pepper showed them to a spacious room. “The boys can sleep here and there’s a room right across the hall that you can use,” she said to Ruth.

The driver brought their luggage up. 

Steve took Bucky into their room. “Let’s get you changed.” 

“Steve.” Bucky pointed at a painting of Tony. “Iron man.”

Steve nodded. “Yes. That’s right, buddy.”

Bucky grabbed his backpack. “Steve doll?” He dumped it onto the bed, finding his doll and cuddling it close.

When Bucky was changed, the three went to the common room. 

Ruth hung back shyly, looking around at the roomful of laughing, joking Avengers. She felt out of place.

Bucky immediately went to a red haired woman. He grinned. “Spider.”

She laughed and patted the seat beside her. “Did you bring Steve doll?”

Ruth felt a stab of maternal jealousy at the easy familiarity he seemed to have with the woman. He draped himself across her lap immediately, showing her his doll. 

Steve introduced everyoneand she blushed when he called her his girlfriend.Her heart soared with happiness. 

She covered her face when everyone clapped. 

They had a late dinner,while Bucky had a bottle. 

Natasha sat beside Ruth, asking questions on Bucky’s progress. 

This, Ruth knew and could talk about. 

Before long she had Natasha, Bruce, Pepper and Wanda listening with rapt attention and asking questions. 

She was in her element now and everyone could clearly see how much she loved Bucky and Steve as she warmed to her subject with her hopeful prognosis. 

Tony threw in, “You should consider coming and working for me, for the team. We could use a good psychiatrist. “

Ruth smiled. “I’ll definitely think about it!” 

After dinner, she helped Steve put Bucky to bed and then they stood between their bedrooms and shared a tender kiss. “G’NightRuth,” he whispered. 

“Good night.” She grinned at him, glad she’d come. 

She wondered if her life was about to change, and if she was ready for that. 

She would have to think about it. 


	6. Psychiatrist chapter 5

Steve was in a deep sleep when he felt the movement beside him and knew instinctively Bucky was having a nightmare.  He fought to wake up and tried to still Bucky’s thrashing. 

“Buck, it’s okay. You’re safe.” 

Then came the screaming. Bucky had had this nightmare before where the guttural, heart wrenching screams he uttered broke even Steve’s solid emotions. 

 

“ _No_! _Please_ _leave_ _me_ _alone_! _No_!” 

_Rumlow_ _pushed_ _him_ _towards_ _Steve_. “ _Complete_ _your_ _mission_!”

 

Ruth heard the commotion and hurried to their room. She opened the door to find Steve trying to wake Bucky.

Bucky suddenly sat up in a cold sweat, eyes wild. He grabbed Steve with his metal arm and threw him out of the bed as if he was a rag doll instead of a 270 pound man. He landed close to his shield and grabbed it. 

“You’re my mission!” Bucky yelled, trying to punch Steve.

Steve was prepared and blocked the blows, cringing as Bucky’s metal hand made a loud clang against the shield. 

Ruth watched in horror as the fight played out until Steve smacked Bucky upside the head, hard. “STOP!” 

Bucky tumbled back, breathing heavily and looking confused. “Steve?” 

“Yeah,” Steve said. “You had a nightmare.” 

Ruth came further into the room. “Are you both okay?”

Steve nodded. “I’m fine. I don’t bruise easy. This guy has beat me up before.”

Bucky sat on the floor, his head in his hands. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Steve ruffled his hair and pulled his pajama pants up a bit. 

“Sorry we woke you,” he apologized to Ruth. 

“Do you need medical assistance?” Jarvis asked. 

Ruth looked around quickly for the source of the British voice. 

Steve couldn’t help but chuckle. “No Jarvis. We’re okay.”

“Who’s that?” Ruth whispered.

“Tony’s AI,” Steve answered. 

Ruth wasn’t sure how she felt about that but didn’t say anything more. 

Steve got Bucky a warm bottle while Ruth changed him. 

“Thanks, doll,” he whispered. 

She nodded. “You’re welcome. Get some sleep.” 

“We will,” Steve assured.

When Ruth woke next, it was to soft knocking on her bedroom door. 

She sat up quickly, trying to clear the cobwebs of sleep from her brain. 

“Come on in.”

Pepper opened the door a little. “Sorry to wake you. James needs changing and he refuses to let me do it.”

“Steve’s gone already?” She asked with a small pang of disappointment. 

“The team left at five this morning,” Pepper sighed. “It takes awhile to get used to being an avengers’ girlfriend.”

Once Bucky was changed, Ruth sat with Pepper and had coffee and a bagel. She was finding Pepper easy to talk to. 

Bucky was agitated though and kept looking for Steve even though Ruth had told him ten times already that Steve had to go to work. 

She got his backpack with Steve doll and his Teddy and blanket. 

“When Nat told us about Bucky, I bought him a couple things, is it okay if I give them to him?” Pepper asked.

Ruth nodded. “Of course.”

Pepper got two books that were titled My Busy Books and one was an Avengers one and one was a Baby Animals one. 

“Bucky,” Ruth said. “Come sit with me. Come see what Pepper has.”

Bucky got to his feet, and slowly came forward, watching warily. He was chewing on Steve doll’s foot again. 

Ruth gently took the doll out of his mouth. “I have to get him something that he can chew.” 

“Like what?” Pepper asked. 

“I’m not sure,” Ruth answered. “Something that will hold up to super soldier chewing. It’s an anxiety reaction for him.”

Pepper opened the first book to the very back and showed Bucky the ten little characters that he could play with. 

He got so excited when he saw the Avengers, he squealed. 

Ruth laughed. “Settle down, bud.”

Bucky played happily with the books for most of the morning. 

Pepper and Ruth got to know each other and after lunch, Pepper watched Ruth and Bucky during their play therapy session. 

Ruth had borrowed a bowl and filled it with soapy water.

Today Bucky was in a mood to throw things, however. 

Ruth gave him a bag of coloured foam balls and patiently waited for him to settle down. 

“Bucky,” she said, “Can we give Steve Doll a bath today?”

Bucky paused in flinging a yellow foam ball across the room. “NO!! No bath!”

Steve had told her about the difficulty he had bathing Bucky and she’d seen and heard it. 

He threw tantrums every time Steve brought it up. Steve only bathed him once a week because of it. 

“Is Steve Doll scared of having a bath?” She asked. 

She was undressing one of the Soldier dolls and she made him walk to the “bath”. “Oh what a nice bath. I want to get nice and clean.”

Bucky glared at her then glared at the soldier. With amazing aim, he beaned the soldier doll directly in the head with a ball. “Go. To. Hell!!” 

Ruth shrugged. “Okay. We have some anger issues surrounding bathing.”

Pepper nodded in agreement. 

Ruth put the soldier aside. “Bucky, come sit with Ruth.” She took the yellow ball and put it in the water. 

Bucky took a step towards her. When he noticed the ball in the water,he bounced on his toes, hands flapping wildly. “No in water! No no no!” 

“The ball is okay,” Ruth said gently. She lifted it out. “See?”

He came to her side and sat down, examining the ball. 

She picked up the soldier again and slowly stood him in the water. 

Bucky’s eyes got dark. “Bastard!” He shouted. He ripped the doll out of Ruth’s hand and shoved him face first into the water, pushing his head down. “You failed! Mission failed! Commander angry!” He suddenly flung the doll across the room and turned his back on Ruth. “Mission failed. Punishment. Hurt. Scream. Don’t cry.” His voice was low and emotionless. 

Pepper looked at Ruth silently. Ruth clenched her fists. “I wanna kill Hydra,” she whispered softly.

“I don’t blame you. It must be hard not to get emotionally tangled.” Pepper looked at Bucky who was still mumbling.

“It is hard. I’m trying to help but there’s so much. I don’t know if we’ll ever get through even a fraction of it.” Ruth sighed. 

Bucky was biting his fingers again. 

Ruth asked Pepper if she could please grab a clean, wet washcloth. 

When Pepper returned, Ruth took Bucky’s fingers out of his mouth and gave him the washcloth instead. 

He chewed on it, laying his head on her shoulder after a few minutes. 

She rubbed soothing circles on his back.

Bucky ate his lunch after therapy and didn’t even whine when Ruth put him down afterwards with his bottle. He was tired. 

Pepper and Ruth took Bucky into the city after his nap, to the toy store. Ruth was determined to get some more teaching toys for him. 

She found a doll family that might come in handy. She found some sensory chewing toys for older kids and adults. Her favourite thing, however, that she found, was a large Captain America plush doll.He saw it and immediately clutched it tight. It was two thirds his size. It was huge! She added a few board books and found a baby doll that was anatomically correct. It came with diapers and a bottle. She wondered if he would like it but left it for the time being. 

Once they were back at the tower,Ruth took Bucky to his room to change him. “You’re a stinky boy!” 

“Steve stinky!” He giggled, grabbing his new Cap doll. 

“Can you play with Teddy while I’m changing you?” She asked, trying to keep Cap out of his soiled diaper. She cleaned him and rolled up the diaper.“You like your new Steve squish?”

Bucky hugged his Cap. “Squish?”

She smiled, fastening the diaper around his waist. “You’re a squish!” She tickled him, chuckling as he squealed gleefully.

Ruth had thought the four days would drag but they didn’t. Bucky settled in and seemed relaxed. He participated in his therapy. 

While he napped, Pepper and Ruth would sometimes do something useful but at times they would sit and watch a tv show. They discovered that they shared a lot of the same tastes. 

Pepper brought up the subject of Ruth being the team psychiatrist on the third day. 

Ruth honestly wasn’t sure what to think. “Can I have some time to think about it?”

“Of course,” Pepper said, rolling her eyes. “I want you to say yes because I’d love to have you living in the tower too. But I want you to be sure.”

Ruth was no closer to an answer when the team returned the next day, battle weary and ready to rest.

On the drive home, Ruth didn’t think Steve was in the right frame of mind to bring it up. She had never seen him so tired. 

“Are you okay?” She looked at him in concern.

He sighed deeply. “I think I need a good hot shower and some food and a sleep. Today the world feels grey.”

“Then we’ll talk about it tomorrow,” she said, kissing his cheek. “For now, we’ll rest.”

Bucky was holding “Cappy” as he called his plush. He was watching Steve with wide eyes. “Steve, good?”

“Yeah, buddy. I’m tired.” Steve ruffled his hair. 

Bucky leaned against him. “Good night.”

Steve smiled. They were just entering Brooklyn and he was looking forward to his own bed. Things had happened on the mission that had nothing to do with the mission but had definitely exhausted him.He put it out of his mind. Tonight, he wasn’t going to think. Tonight, he just wanted to sleep.


	7. Psychiatrist chapter 6

After a good night’s sleep, Steve was still quiet. 

Ruth wanted to ask what was bothering him but they’d slept in and she had to rush to make it to work for the morning. She was SO glad it was Thursday and she only had two mornings to work. 

There were so many things she wanted to talk to Steve about and so many things she needed to think about. 

Her first client was not a difficult one and the hour went quickly. 

Her next client had cancelled. She was about to catch up on paperwork when Annie walked in and closed the door. 

Ruth felt an uncomfortable nervousness settle in her stomach. “Hi.”

Annie smiled. “Good morning, Ruth. How is the play therapy going with Bucky?” 

Ruth was aware that Annie had access to her clients’ files but hadn’t realized she’d actually read them. “It’s going well. We’re making slow progress.” 

“You think the play therapy is the best way to approach an adult’s trauma?” Annie asked.

Ruth swallowed back a heavy sigh. “He doesn’t talk, he doesn’t show emotion, he doesn’t communicate in any other way, he’s aggressive and he relates to an action figure. Yes. Play therapy is working.”

Annie studied her for a few minutes. “Ruth, I’m your supervisor and your friend. Is having Bucky on your caseload and having a relationship with Steve too much?”

Ruth panicked. How had Annie found that out?? She hadn’t told anyone!! Her cheeks went hot. “I-I’m not in a -a relationship. No. No it’s. I’m fine.”

“I can give him to Lindsey.” Annie continued. 

“No!” Ruth almost yelled. “He wouldn’t understand. He doesn’t trust people easily.”

Annie didn’t look happy or convinced that Ruth should continue. “I’d like to come sit in on a session. Is Captain Rogers still on Stewart Avenue?”

Ruth almost groaned. She could lie, or tell the truth. She let out a long, deep breath.

“No. They were evicted.” She said into her desk.

“Where are they now?” Annie asked.

“Renting a room from me,” Ruth said quietly. She didn’t look up. She wasn’t sure what to expect. 

There was a long silence and then Annie said, “I’ll see you Monday afternoon.”

Ruth sagged limply in her chair, wanting to go home. She had one more client to see. She didn’t want to see anyone but she couldn’t fall apart. 

The last hour dragged as her young female client whined and wailed about her ex husband wanting too much from her. Ruth forced a smile and upped the girl’s anti depressants. 

She got home and gratefully unlocked the door. 

Bucky came barreling through the kitchen towards her. “Mama!” He didn’t look happy. 

Steve caught him and held him. “Let mama get inside before you attack her.”

Ruth quenched the hysterical giggle that threatened to surface. 

She could see the headline:  Winter soldier clothed in t shirt and diaper attacks mama.

Bucky sagged in Steve’s arms, his lower lip quivering. 

Steve pulled Bucky close, kissing his forehead and holding him. 

“What’s the matter, baby?” Ruth asked. 

Bucky whimpered. “Steve doll gone!”

Ruth frowned. “He’s all gone?”

Steve shrugged. “We’ve turned the house upside down for the last hour, looking. I cannot find him. We’ve had a temper tantrum on and off for the last twenty minutes.”

Ruth opened her arms and Bucky curled into her hug. “Where he go?” He whimpered. 

Ruth tried to think. She knew he’d been in with the other things that they’d brought home from DC yesterday. 

“I think mama knows.” She smiled and went to the large tote she’d bought to hold the therapy toys. She pulled the lid off and looked in it, triumphantly holding Steve doll up a minute later. 

Steve rolled his eyes. “What was he doing in the therapy toys??”

“He had cappy yesterday and I tossed Steve doll in here to avoid him getting lost.” Ruth laughed a little. “Sorry. How was your morning otherwise?”

Steve smiled. “Not bad. You look worn out.” 

“Let’s have lunch and then we’ll talk,” she said.

Steve poured their soup while Ruth heated up some green beans for Bucky. 

Steve tied a bib around his neck and put him in his chair, taking the small jar. “I’ll feed him. You eat.”

Bucky took a spoonful of beans, making a face, slowly sticking his tongue out and letting the food run onto his bib. 

“Buck, come on,” Steve pleaded. “At least try to eat some.”

Bucky shook his head. “Yuck.”

“No. Yummy.” Steve countered. 

Bucky pushed the spoon towards Steve’s face. “Steve eat.”

“Oh my gosh, boy,” Steve growled in mild frustration. “You gotta be so stubborn?”

Bucky reached for the jar of blueberries which Ruth set out of reach. 

Steve took them and gave Bucky blueberries. He ate them, making a mess as usual. 

Ruth got a washcloth. “You’re a piggy!” She teased, handing it to Steve.

Steve wiped Bucky’s face wincing when he got bit. “Ow.” He cleaned the rest of his face. “I’m going to eat and then you can have your milk.”

“He’s still biting,” Ruth commented, when Bucky had meandered into the living room.

Steve nodded. “Every time I’m not careful wiping his face or if I’m too close with my hands.”

She frowned thoughtfully. 

During therapy, Ruth brought out one of the new chewies and the Black Widow doll she’d purchased. She also got the soldier doll out from the other day’s bathing episode. 

He looked at the Black Widow doll for a few minutes, gnawing vigorously on the nubbed“O”.   “Spider.” He drooled around the chewie as he tried to talk around it. 

“Natasha,” Steve said. 

“Spider.” He cuddled her, picking up Steve doll. “Ruth. Dress.” He pushed Steve doll at her. 

“Dress?” She asked, confused.

Steve looked shocked. “Oh my gosh....in the front pocket of his backpack is the Cap outfit for the doll.”

Ruth carefully dressed the doll. “There. He’s all ready.”

Bucky took the two dolls, clenching the chew toy between his molars. He made the dolls walk towards the soldiers. They fought the soldiers and then jumped up and down happily. He dropped the O and the dolls, distracted by a different train of thought. 

Bucky went to the couch, pulling Pierce out from under the cushion. “Bad daddy! Spider bite you!” Doll Natasha kicked Pierce and then Bucky viciously pulled the head off the Pierce doll. He threw the headless doll away from him.He growled, breathing heavily.“Bad daddy gone!” 

Steve exchanged a long look with Ruth. Bucky’s aggression was getting better but times like this proved it was still very much there. 

Bucky suddenly screamed, tore at his hair and then put his thumb in his mouth, signalling he’d had enough for now. 

Ruth closed his file. There was so much pain in his actions that she wanted to help him deal with but it wasn’t that easy. It was going to take time. A lot of time. 

“I’m going to put him down for a nap,” Steve said, gathering Bucky into his arms.

She nodded, observing the two men who perhaps understood each other better than most people.  

Steve said no words but he held Bucky close, rubbing his back, even stroking his metal hand. “Let’s get your milk and go have a sleep. You’re tired.”

Bucky didn’t complain. 

While Steve was laying down with Bucky, his phone rang. 

Ruth grabbed it quickly. “Hello. This is Ruth Haring, speaking for Captain Steve Rogers.”

A brisk female voice said, “I need to speak directly with the captain. Where is he?”

Ruth bristled a little. “He’s indisposed at the moment. May I take a message?”

There was a pause. “Listen lady. I don’t know who you are, but I’m Maria Hill, and I’m telling you, it’s urgent and you better get Steve immediately.”

Ruth had about had it. It had been a long day! “Listen, bitch!” She snapped, her last shred of professional calm disappearing. “He’s busy. He has a boy to look after and he’s doing that. He’ll call you back when he has a minute.” She jammed her finger on the off button and then wondered vaguely who Maria Hill was. 

Steve wandered into the kitchen about ten minutes later. “I thought I heard my phone go off.” He yawned. 

She was going to answer but he was already talking again. “Ruth, let’s talk while Bucky’s sleeping.”

She’d been about to ask him about Maria Hill but seeing the serious look on his face made her pause. “What is it, Steve?”

“I had something happen in Honduras. I hope it’ll get better, given time. But right now, it’s not better yet. As someone who’s become very close to me, I think you need to be aware of this.” He shifted uncomfortably. 

She felt her stomach clench. Was Maria a fling? A second girlfriend? Was he secretly MARRIED? Oh god.... she felt tears spring to her eyes at the thought. She was losing Steve. 

“I’m incontinent,” he said, embarrassment staining his cheeks. “I’ve struggled with nocturnal enuresis my whole life. The serum didn’t fix that permanently. The doctors don’t know why. But in Honduras, I got stabbed in the back. The wound healed, but I started wetting myself while I was awake....” He finally stopped talking at her shocked look. 

Ruth was trying to get her brain to switch gears. “Wha-What?”

Steve buried his face in his hands. “Bucky and I can move out. I know it’s a lot. I’m sorry.”

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “Steven Rogers. Look at me,” she ordered softly.

He did so after a moment, the sheen of unshed tears in his eyes. “What?”

“I thought you were going to tell me you were leaving me, or had a girlfriend, or a wife somewhere.” She paused to let her words sink in. “If you wear diapers every day for the rest of your life, I wouldn’t care. I love you.”

Steve had to think about that for a minute. “Seriously?” He whispered. He sat up straight and pulled his T-shirt up, showing her the plastic waistband of his diaper. “That....doesn’t bother you?”

She reached forward as a sweet memory of Ryan popped into her head. She pulled her hand back. This wasn’t Ryan. This was Steve. “No,” she said. “It doesn’t.”

“What were you gonna do?” He asked softly, having noticed her motion.

She blushed. “I used to check Ryan throughout the day to see if he was wet. It was just a special little intimate thing we did and I loved doing it. When you lifted your shirt, it just reminded me of that.” 

“Do you want to check?” He whispered hesitantly.

She studied his face, the soft colour to his cheeks, the bright blue of his eyes. She nodded a little. 

He stood up, pulling his T-shirt up and sucking his stomach in a bit so she could feel the inside of the diaper. 

She slowly put a finger inside, intensely aware of the warmth, the feeling of the coarse hair tickling her finger a little, the telltale dampness. “You’re a wet boy,” she said softly. 

He nodded. “Yeah.” 

She reached up and kissed him tenderly. “Go change, honey. I have things to discuss too.” She watched him walk away, unable to completely stop the erotic thoughts that came when she pictured Steve in a diaper. She was just weird that way. 

When he got back, she told him about Annie’s impromptu office visit, and about Pepper’s comment that she should come work in DC. She poured out her worries about Bucky and cried into Steve’s strong shoulder. 

Steve held her, letting her cry. She’d been holding onto a lot of heavy burdens. When she was calm, they discussed the merits of moving versus staying. 

Ruth sighed. “At least here we have a private home. I like the Avengers tower just fine but would people like Maria Hill just come barging in? By the way, who is she?”

Steve didn’t get a chance to answer. A loud wail from the bedroom had him up and running. 

Bucky was sitting up in bed, the very picture of sadness. Ruth noted that he was shedding tears! That was progress! “What’s the matter, darling?” She asked.

“Cappy gone!” He sobbed.

Steve picked the big plush up off the floor. “He just fell off the bed.” 

Bucky lifted his arms to be picked up. 

Steve carried him to the kitchen when he patted his arm. “You hungry, Buck?”

Ruth opened a jar of applesauce. 

Bucky tried to balance holding cappy and eating but it was too much. 

Steve finally got a second chair for Cappy. Bucky held his hand and ate his applesauce eagerly. 

“Maria Hill,” Ruth said, determined to have answers. “Former girlfriend?”

Steve looked back from peeling potatoes for dinner. “Nope. Fury’s second in command.”

Ruth looked at him, wide eyed, spoon paused. “Oh gosh....I called her a bitch.”

Steve started laughing, until he was crying. “Feed the poor boy,” he gasped, motioning to Bucky, waiting with his mouth open. 

Ruth fed him mechanically. “Oh Steve! She called for you. She said it was urgent!”

Steve was still laughing when the doorbell rang a few minutes later. . 

Maria Hill stood there and looked at Steve, lips pressed together, eyebrow quirked at his obvious mirth. “I couldn’t reach you by phone. I want to speak to the woman who called me a bitch.”

Steve burst into fresh laughter, motioning her inside. 

Ruth was just feeding Bucky the last of his applesauce. “Good boy. Are you gonna let me wipe your face?” She crooned, carefully avoiding his teeth as she cleaned his chin and removed his bib.

Steve coughed a little. “Maria, this is Ruth.” 

Ruth jumped up, looking at the dark haired woman with trepidation. “Hello. I’m sorry about calling you a-a bitch. I get protective.”

Maria’s mouth twitched with good humour. “Hi. I like you. Keep this one, Steve.”

Steve was still chuckling. “I plan to.” 

Ruth played with Bucky at the table with his animals while Maria and Steve talked about whatever it was that Maria had called about. 

She observed him as he made the animals interact. There was plenty of fighting between the animals. She wondered if they would ever get past that aggressive training. 

Maria came into the kitchen half an hour later and paused. “Hey, James.”

He looked up. “SHIELD.”

She nodded. “That’s right. I’ll hopefully see you back in DC sometime soon.”

“See Pepper,” he answered and went back to his animals. 

When she’d gone, Ruth and Steve finished making dinner; hamburger steak and mashed potatoes. 

Steve told Ruth that there was another mission that they had just needed his input on. As captain he had valid information and sometimes intel on different enemy corporations. 

Ruth warmed up peas for Bucky. 

Steve dished up their plates and then put Bucky in his chair. 

Bucky was patting his arm and whining. 

“I know baby, I know,” Ruth said, putting his bib on. 

The peas, however, weren’t a favourite. He spit them out and smeared them across his face when he rubbed at his mouth with his thumb. “No!”

“Little bit, for mama?” Ruth asked. 

He opened his mouth but then turned away at the last moment. “No.”

“Eat your peas,” Steve said firmly.

Bucky looked at Steve, pushing his lower lip out in a pout. “Peas yuck!”

“No they’re not. Eat.” Steve gave him an intense look. 

Bucky wailed petulantly for a moment then accepted a spoonful of peas. 

Ruth fed him a few more before he turned away. 

“That?” He asked, pointing at Steve’s potatoes.

“You think he can have mashed potatoes?” Steve asked. 

Ruth got some of his formula and thinned down some potatoes. “We’ll give it a try.”

Bucky opened his mouth willingly, drooling potatoes as he mouthed at the strange texture. “More. Please.”

“Good words!” Steve praised.

Ruth fed him more potatoes, chuckling at the faces he made. There were more flavours in the potatoes than he was used to. 

He drank his water down and shook his cup at Steve. “More.”

Steve got him some more of the filtered water they’d bought for him. 

Bucky didn’t finish his bowl of potatoes but he was satisfied. 

After dinner, the three of them sat and watched a rerun of Lassie while Bucky sat on Steve’s lap to have his milk. Ruth and Steve enjoyed coffee and cheesecake. 

Bucky watched every spoonful Steve put in his mouth, then suddenly pushed his bottle away and grabbed at Steve’s spoon of cheesecake. 

“Stop!” Steve commanded. 

Bucky dropped his hand with a small whine.

“I’ll give you a little bite but not the crust. I don’t want you sick.” He took a small portion of the sweet cream cheese and put it in Bucky’s mouth. 

Bucky looked at him while trying to process the strange taste. He opened his mouth and stuck his tongue out, spitting out the dessert.  “No.”

Ruth laughed and gave Steve a tissue. 

“Well, That’s what I’m having,” Steve said. “Now drink your milk.” 

They sat in comfortable silence, watching the show. It was almost done when Bucky grunted subtly, squirming in Steve’s arms. 

Steve heard him. He finished the last of his coffee and declared it was bedtime. “I’m thinking this boy needs a diaper change. He smells. Then I’m gonna shower quick and get to bed. It’s been a long day.”

“It has,” Ruth agreed. “Why don’t you let me change the stinker and you can go shower?”

“He’s stinky,” Steve said with a grimace. 

“That’s ok. I can clean him up,” she said. “I’ve done it before. 

Steve shrugged. “Okay. If you want to.”

Ruth took Bucky to the change room while Steve went to shower. 

“Bucky’s a stinky boy,” she said, stripping off his pants. 

He sucked his thumb contentedly while she cleaned him up.  Once he was clean, and in a fresh diaper, she put his pajamas on. 

She put him in his bed and sat with him talking about the dog eared brown teddy bear and cappy who was almost too big to sleep in the bed when Steve was there too. 

“My Teddy,” Bucky said, holding the bear tightly. 

She heard the shower stop. “Steve will be right out. Good night baby.” She kissed his forehead. 

As she turned, Steve came out of the bathroom, a towel around his waist. She tried not to stare at his well muscled naked torso. 

“He’s all fresh and ready for bed,” she stammered.

Steve’s mouth quirked a little. “Thanks Ruth. Much appreciated. Have a good night.”

She nodded, wishing she had the brass to ask if she could diaper him but she was far to shy yet for that. Besides, she didn’t want to push their relationship too fast. 

She went to her own bedroom, all the choices before her circling in her head like carrion birds above a dead animal. 

She would have to make some decisions soon. She just wanted to be sure to make the right ones. 


	8. The Psychiatrist Chapter 7

Friday morning went quickly and Ruth was glad. She avoided interacting with anyone. She was anxious about Annie’s visit, and she was also thinking about Steve’s admission. What if she did take on the job of team psychiatrist in DC? She knew that after Monday Annie would force Bucky off of her caseload. It made her feel panicky. She breathed deeply. She would talk these things out with Steve this weekend. She glanced at the clock. Very little of her paperwork had gotten done but she determined not to take it home. This weekend, she had too many other things to think about.   


Saturday was wonderfully lazy. Steve and Ruth let their issues lie for the time being, knowing there would be time Monday to pick them back up again. 

Bucky seemed content enough although his speech was off today more so than usual. 

He sat on the floor between Steve and Ruth, playing with Steve doll and Spider doll as he called Natasha and chewed on his oral sensory toy. 

“Mama, ow,” he whined suddenly, laying his head in her lap. 

“What hurts, Bud?” Steve asked immediately, brushing a hand over his hair. 

Bucky motioned vaguely. “Dunno.” 

Steve wiped the drool off his chin. “Could easily be anything or nothing.” 

Ruth nodded and tried not to be overly concerned. 

Bucky loved his chewy O. 

Ruth had gotten three different ones but the circle was his favourite. There was a ‘T’ shape that he’d tried but discarded and gone back to his ‘O’ again. And there was an ‘S’. He’d hooked it on his toy box and it was still there. 

They spent most of the day watching tv. Bucky had a short nap after crying for half an hour over nothing in particular. 

He shook his head to the squash at dinner. Steve fed him bananas instead. Bucky wanted a fry from Steve’s plate but Steve gave him his chewie. 

Steve gave Bucky a bath after dinner. Correction. Attempted...to give Bucky a bath. 

It had been difficult every time but he had been at least somewhat reasonable after some talking in the last weeks. 

Today, he screamed bloody murder and cried for Ruth when Steve started to undress him. He struggled, pushing at Steve’s arms. 

He bit his own hand hard, drawing blood, when Steve wouldn’t let him go. 

Confused, Steve brought him out of the bathroom after that and into the change room. 

Ruth was there, very concerned. “He’s not having a good day.” She wrapped his hand. “Did he bite himself?”

“Yeah. He hasn’t done that in a long time. Is this normal for the kind of trauma he’s experienced?” Steve asked. He watched Bucky sucking his thumb now, cuddling into his little blanket, and nuzzling his nose into the softness. 

Ruth wished she had an answer. “Bucky is a very rare case, Steve. I honestly don’t know what’s going on.” 

“He needs a bath,” Steve said. “He’s got diaper rash and it needs cleaning.”

“Let’s give him a sponge bath. It’ll do.” Ruth left, coming back a few minutes later with a warm bowl of water and several towels. 

Together, they washed his hair first, Steve lifting his head, and Ruth washing his hair. He cried plaintively through the entire process. 

Steve sighed. “He hasn’t been like this for several weeks.”

“It’s hard to say what triggered the behaviour,” Ruth murmured, gently washing Bucky’s face. “It could be as simple as overstimulation.”

Steve washed his chest and belly before stripping off his diaper. “Step back. Washing always makes him pee.”

Ruth made sure to get out of the line of fire. “Where’s my boy’s smile?” She blew a raspberry on his bare belly. 

He giggled, squirming.“Mama.” 

Bucky squirmed uncomfortably, when Steve washed the painful rash, then giggled as his bladder emptied involuntarily and Steve jumped back to avoid getting wet.

“You tryin’ ta pee on daddy?” Steve asked with a chuckle. 

“Pee daddy,” Bucky grinned. 

“Turkey!” Steve groused, winking at Bucky. “I swear you do it on purpose.”

Ruth was laughing too. “Funny. He must be.”

Once Bucky was satisfactorily clean, freshly diapered and in his pjs, Steve brushed his teeth while Ruth warmed up his bottle. 

“Daddy,” Bucky whined again. “Ow.” 

“What hurts, baby?” Steve asked. 

Bucky patted his head before wrapping his arms around Steve’s neck to be carried. 

“Your head hurts?” Steve asked. Bucky didn’t answer but Steve told Ruth anyway. “He has a headache.”

She felt relieved. “Oh thank goodness. I was worried.” She got the adult liquid Tylenol that they’d bought for him and gave him the required amount. 

He made a face and choked on it, ending with cryinguntil Ruth gave him his bottle and Steve carried him to bed, not at all surprised when he fell asleep within ten minutes. 

Sunday was filled with more relaxation. 

Breakfast was pancakes with fruit and whipped cream.Bucky had puréed strawberries and baby cereal. 

Around noon, they watched The Shaggy Dog, eating nachos, and drinking iced tea. 

Ruth wondered if the iced tea was the best idea for her two incontinent boys but she let it be. She would remind Steve to change in a bit. Iced tea was bad for going through fast. 

Bucky had beensoaked by eleven so Steve changed him before they started the movie. 

They were playing Yeti in my Spaghetti after lunch which Bucky could play and was actually quite good at. 

After several rounds, Bucky and Steve started wrestling around instead of playing the game, because Steve had bumped Bucky’s hand, on purpose, making the yeti fall on his turn.

Ruth chuckled, moving the game. “Boys,” she muttered to herself.

Bucky rolled on top of Steve, grinning. “Got you!”

“Really?” Steve asked. He tickled Bucky.

Bucky squealed in protest, diving away from Steve’s long fingers, laughing.“You ticklish me!”

Steve laughed more at Bucky’s words and his contagious laugh than anything, until Bucky recalled that Steve was also ticklish. 

There was an all out tickle fight going on when Ruth came to check on the source of the thumps and bumps of elbows and knees on the floor, and hysterical laughter.Steve obviously hadn’t become aware he needed to change. 

“Steve,” she said.He didn’t hear her, probably because Bucky was on him, trying to grab his knees. 

“Steven Rogers!” She commanded. 

Both boys sat up, breathless and laughing. “Sorry,” Steve gasped. 

She looked at him pointedly. “When did you change last, darling?”

He looked down, his face turning red as he realized he’d leaked. “Aw, damn! This morning when I got up.” 

“If you want to go shower, I’ll put Bucky down for a nap.” She held out the milk bottle to Bucky. 

Steve nodded. “Sorry,” he said penitently. 

She grinned and snagged a kiss on his way by. “Mmmm, one day soon, I’ll drag you in to the bedroom instead of telling you to shower,” she whispered. 

His eyes flew to her face, wide with interest. “You will, huh?”

She gave him a sly smile and turned to Bucky. “Come baby. Time for nap.”

The afternoon and evening passed quickly, too quickly, Ruth thought, as the heavier thoughts crept in with evening approaching. She was dreading Annie’s supervisory visit tomorrow during Bucky’s therapy. 

Steve noticed her silence over dinner but didn’t bring it up. Bucky was whiny and needy.Steve cuddled him while Bucky had his bottle. 

Once Bucky was sleeping, Steve pulled Ruth onto the couch. “What’s on your mind, doll?”

Hesitantly, she admitted her fears to Steve. “I’m not sure what to do if Annie says she’s taking Bucky off my caseload.”

Steve frowned. “As his caregiver, I have to approve any changes, right?”

Ruth shrugged. “You have the option of pulling him out of therapy. I might lose my job tomorrow. I’m not super upset about it. I’ve been thinking about quitting for awhile now.”

Steve held her. “Whatever makes you happy is what I want for you.”

She looked into his face. He was so open and honest. Just like Ryan had been. 

Her heart was pounding but she felt it was time to tell him how she felt. “Steve, you make me happy,” she said, baring her soul. She had known for several days now that losing Steve would almost be like cutting off her arm.Not to mention that the thought of having Bucky taken away made her almost ill. 

He searched her face to see for himself that she was telling the truth. 

“I do?” He asked softly.

Instead of talking any further, Ruth climbed onto his lap, taking his strong jaw in her hands and kissing him tenderly. “Please don’t leave me.” Her words were hardly more than a whispered murmur, but he wrapped his arms tighter around her, kissing her deeply. 

She kissed him fervently, desire awakening with her desperation for him.

“I won’t.” 

She knew it was only two words but she felt the promise behind it. 

Suddenly she needed him so much, it almost hurt. “I love you,” she moaned softly into his mouth. 

His breath was coming faster. “I loveyou too, Ruth.” His hands were warm on her back, comforting, and she could feel that he wanted to move all over her but he was too much a gentleman. 

She carefully ran her hands under his shirt. “Steve...” She let her voice trail off as she nipped at the soft skin on his neck. She stilled as she felt his hard muscles and then lightly trailed her fingers down to the plastic of his diaper. 

He groaned quietly. “Ruth, I can’t keep my hands off you much longer.I’m sorry. I’m trying to think clean thoughts.”

She sat back a moment. “I don’t want you to.” She took his hand and pulled him to her bedroom. 

Before they entered, he studied her face once more, making sure this was what she wanted. He saw no hesitation. 

An hour later, Steve kissed her good night at her bedroom door, soft, gentle. His eyes were warm and still soft from their time together. 

She was pliant in his arms, satisfied. “I know you have to go sleep with Bucky. But maybe soon....”

“Yeah,” he smiled, his voice holding promises. 

She kissed him one more time, a chaste little lips only kiss, before she went back into her room. Her body was still tingling with the excitement of having made love to Steve Rogers. It had been over four years since she’d been with anyone. Ryan had been too sickafter the surgery and then chemo. They’d been intimate but not like this.She pcrawled into bed, feeling like she was complete.

Steve lay in bed beside Bucky, running over theturn of events. He hadn’t intended to take Ruth tonight. If she hadn’t suggested it, he never would have. He was pretty much a virgin when it came to sex. He’d jacked off plenty, especially after the serum, but actual sex, he’d never found the right girl. Peggy Carter had been perfect but they’d never had the chance. 

Fate was strange. Ruth reminded him so much of Peggy.Maybe that’s what had initially attracted him to her. Or maybe the way she was with Bucky. Meeting him where he was at.Maybe it was the way she understood himself.She had an uncanny knack of just “getting” him. 

Ruth was a gem. He felt very blessed to have met her. He’d have to thank Sam next time he saw him.   


	9. The Psychiatrist chapter 8

Monday morning, Ruth went to work and Steve stayed home with Bucky as was their routine but Steve could feel Ruth’s nervousness like a palpable force. 

She saw her three clients, forced her cheerfulness and tried to think positively. 

When she got home, she could have hugged Steve. Bucky was already fed and having his bottle on the couch. The house was tidy, and the therapy toys were laid out. 

Ruth ate a little of her sandwich and then sat with Steve and drew from his strength before going and talking to Bucky. 

Steve changed Bucky just before one and he was arms deep in the therapy tote when Annie walked in. 

Bucky’s first reaction was to hide. He watched Annie for a few minutes from behind the rocking chair, chewing vigorously on his O. 

“You’re safe, Bucky,” Ruth assured him. “Come play with Ruth.”

He slowly came forward, his eyes never leaving the newcomer.“Is?” He asked, pointing. 

“This is my friend, Annie,” Ruth smiled. 

Bucky shrugged. “Kay.” He picked up the soldier doll he had dropped earlier. “Go chair!” He picked Natasha up. “Bucky chair!” 

Natasha smashed the soldier doll.Then Steve doll joined the fray. “Where Bucky?” The dolls ran around in confusion.

“Where is Bucky?” Ruth asked.

Bucky paused, frowning. “Dunno. Chair hurt.” 

“It did hurt,” she agreed. 

“Chair hurt,” he repeated, slapping his head with his left hand.The metal plates left a gash. 

Ruth calmly pressed a tissue on the small cut, soothing the distraught man.

Steve stood in the doorway, watching. He’d wanted to stay out of the way today. “You good?” He asked. 

She nodded. 

Bucky settled down. “Where chair, Ruth? Where Bucky?”

“Maybe the chair is empty,” Ruth suggested. Bucky had never brought up the chair yet. 

Bucky was quiet, processing this. “Bucky in chair.” He said, his lip wobbling. “Hurt.”

Ruth stroked his hand gently. “I know it did, sweetheart.It wasn’t a nice chair.” 

He put his hand to his head. “Ow!!”

“Did the chair hurt your head?” She asked. 

“Hurt!” Bucky started to cry.“No chair.”

“No more,” Ruth promised. 

Bucky lay down on his stomach, playing with Steve doll and spider doll. He seemed tired. 

Ruth knew that therapy wore him out. He was definitely making some progress in the emotional department.It wasn’t easy on him. He was drooling again since he refused to take the chewie out of his mouth. 

Ruth chanced a glance at Annie. Her face was blank. “He’s having a rough day,” Ruth said.

“You’ve invested a lot emotionally in him,” Annie pointed out. 

Ruth wanted to deny it but that would be stupid. “Yeah.”

“I’m not sure it’s going to really help him deal with things to just be coddled and allowed to play.” Annie sighed. “Can you clarify what progress he made today?”

“We talked about the chair,” Ruth said, striving to keep her voice calm.“He hasn’t brought it up before.”

“Okay,” Annie continued, “But you didn’t communicate that he needed to move on. How are you going to do that with him?”

“How can he just move on, Annie? He was tortured for crying out loud!They wiped him so often, there are days I’m surprised he even talks.”

Annie sighed. “I know how you feel about him, Ruth.I just really don’t know if you’re the best therapist for him anymore. You have to understand what I’m seeing.”

“I get it,” Ruth said. “But Steve doesn’t want a different therapist for him.”

Annie shook her head. “As your friend, I understand. I have to note this and you know as well as I do what Brad is going to say.”

Ruth nodded, rubbing Bucky’s back. 

He was tired. He’d started sucking his thumb, signalling he was ready to nap. 

“I’m ready to quit. I have bigger fish to fry now.” Ruth looked at Annie. 

Her supervisor looked shocked. “I don’t want you to quit! You’re a good therapist Ruth! One of the best! It’s just policy.”

“Steve is planning to move to DC and I’m going with him,” she said, a smile on her lips. “I know he’s the man for me.”

Annie thought that over for some time. She got up, tears in her eyes. “I won’t keep you from finding your happiness Ruthie. I know it’s been hard since Ryan passed.”

Ruth nodded, hugging Annie tightly. “It has. Steve fills that hole that Ryan left, Annie. Fills it and more. And Bucky, he needs me. You know me. I wanted a family and Ryan could never give me one.”

Annie sighed. “I could tell you how skewed that is but I’m sure you’ve already had that conversation with yourself.”

“I have. Lots.” Ruth half smiled. “Regardless of skewed or not, I don’t know if Bucky will ever progress beyond needing constant care. He fills that mothering need in me.”

Annie laughed softly. “Have at er, girl. Take care of your boys. You’ll just need to sign a resignation.” 

“I’ll do that on Friday,” Ruth said. “I’ll work this week so you can rearrange my other clients. 

“So Bucky’s off the list?” 

Ruth nodded. “Yeah.”

When Annie had gone, Ruth let silent tears of relief fall. Knowing now that she was done this era of her life was bittersweet. 

She covered Bucky with an afghan. He’d fallen asleep on the floor. 

Steve came into the living room, taking in the situation. He held his arms open for her and she let herself be held until she felt calm again. 

“So I have work until Friday,” she smiled. “I think we should plan to move to DC soon.”

Steve thought that over. “It would definitely make things easier for my work. But what about your house?” 

She looked around her. Ryan had bought this large house when they’d gotten married, expecting to have children. They’d both been only children and they had wanted at least four kids. 

They’d only been married eight months when Ryan has been diagnosed. 

There were good memories and there were memories that she had hidden under layers of emotional scarring. 

“I’d rather start over somewhere new with you,” she said. 

“You want to sell this place?” He asked, to clarify.

She took a deep breath. “Yes. I do. It reminds me of Ryan and I’m ready now to let him go.” 

Steve looked around as well, trying to picture Ruth in a different environment that he’d never known her in. He loved her so much. “How about we move at the end of the month then?” He asked. “That gives us three weeks to pack and get Bucky prepped and give Tony and Pep time to outfit an apartment for us. Unless you want to take all your furniture. We can do that too. Tony likes to buy new stuff for the apartments.”

Ruth laughed softly. “I’m not that attached to my furniture. It’s old. I’ll let it go with the house. Other than my china cabinet. I have a few sentimental pieces, pictures and so on.”

“We’ll pack what we want and put the house on the market,” Steve said.

Ruth was starting to feel lighter. She leaned against Steve’s strong shoulder. “Thank you.”

“Oh my girl. I’d do anything for you.” He kissed her forehead and the tip of her nose. “You are the sweetest girl I’ve ever met!”

Ruth swallowed back fresh tears. She was an emotional mess! “The next three weeks can’t go fast enough.”

Steve brought out his phone and texted Tony. “It’ll go faster than you think.” 

He was right, as Ruth realized later; he often was. 


	10. The Psychiatrist Chapter 9

The three weeks flew by. Steve and Ruth were kept busy between packing, keeping Bucky entertained, and Ruth finishing up work. 

Bucky didn’t like them packing. He had a meltdown every time Steve put another box in the living room. 

Ruth patiently explained over and over that they would go live in a new home.

Bucky was cranky, whiny and still seemed to be suffering headaches as well. 

“You think it’s stress?” Steve asked. “We’ve all been a little uptight.” 

“Maybe,” Ruth shrugged.She hadn’t been feeling the greatest herself. “I hope we’re not coming down with something.”

It had been going on for a few days now. 

“He’s got the super soldier serum,” Steve frowned. “He should be immune to normal flus.”

Ruth sighed. “I hope so. I think I’ve got something.” She was nauseous and could hardly eat. 

She either had the flu or she was sick from being stressed. She felt terrible and by the fourth day, she was starting to get worried. 

“It must be stress,” she said, swallowing back tears. She had cried so much the last few weeks. Even though she wanted to move; emotionally, it was hard, going through the things she had of Ryan’s in storage and packing boxes for Goodwill. She had gone to bed early every night for a week and now that she was feeling sick she was getting paranoid. 

Steve brought her soup and crackers. “Eat and rest, Doll. I’m going to put Bucky down for a nap with you. He’s been crying for mama all day today.”

“I know he has,” she said wearily. She missed spending time with him. 

Bucky happily crawled into bed beside Ruth, snuggling up to her, sucking sleepily at his bottle. 

Ruth stroked his hair. “Hi baby,” she crooned softly. She started singing an old French lullaby her grandma had taught her many years ago when she was just a girl. She loved this man baby so much. She took his bottle when it was empty, smiling as he sighed contentedly in his sleep.

She dozed off as well, even though she felt like she’d done nothing but sleep for the last three days. 

The next morning, Ruth announced she was seeing a doctor.She wasn’t taking chances that it was something serious.She still had nightmares about the fact that Ryan had left his cancer too long. 

Steve’s face was grim but steady. He was worried about her and would stand by her, no matter what. He had very little experience as to what could ail a thirty year old quote, unquote “normal” woman.

Dr. Carson came at ten thirty and they went to Ruth’s bedroom. 

Bucky whined petulantly at Steve. “Mama!”

“Mama is in with the doctor,” Steve said patiently. “Doctor is going to make mama better.”

Bucky sat on his chair, “Mama sick?”

“Her tummy hurts.” Steve said simply. No use getting Bucky all anxious. 

He started whining for a snack. 

Steve gave Bucky a digestive cookieand a sippy cup of milk. 

He was slowly starting to eat some easy to digest solids, such as potatoes, pasta, and rice. 

He also loved arrowroot cookies and teething cookies that Ruth had found in the baby section at the grocery store. The teething cookies were extremely hard and he could suck on them for twenty minutes at a time while they slowly melted in his mouth. 

Bucky cuddled on Steve’slap, drinking his milk and pointing at the boxes that were stacked. “Go ‘way?”

“Yeah, Buck. We’re gonna go bye bye to DC.” 

They had been talking about moving every day and Bucky still swung between hesitant excitement and outright temper tantrums. 

He dropped his empty cup. “Go mama?”

“Not right now,” Steve said. “Let’s go change your bum. You stink.”

Bucky shook his head. “Not stink.”

Steve had just finished changing him when Dr. Carson came to the living room, smiling. “Ruth would like to speak with you. I’ll stay with Bucky.”

Steve frowned in mild confusion. “Okay.” 

He moved Bucky onto the couch and walked to the bedroom. He knocked softly and walked in. 

“Hi honey. Are you okay?” He was very concerned when he saw the high colour in Ruth’s cheeks and the tears shimmering in her eyes. 

She chewed her lip for a minute. “Steve, I’m kind of an idiot.”

He quickly sat down beside her. “No you’re not,” he said, putting his arm around her shoulders.“What’s the matter? What did the doctor say?” His face was lined with blatant worry.

She put her hand over her eyes. “I hope you won’t be mad.” 

“Why would I be mad?” He asked, more confused than ever. 

“I don’t have the flu-“

“Oh good,” he breathed out, then added, “Wait! Is it worse? Are you really sick? What-“

“STEVE!” She raised her voice to command his attention. 

He snapped his mouth shut after whispering, “Sorry. Please continue.”

She took a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”

Steve’s jaw dropped a moment later. He closed his mouth then opened it again, unable to put any words together. After a long minute of silence, he gasped, “Pregnant? With a-a-a baby?” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Of course a baby.”He smiled when Ruth laughed a little. 

“Yes Steve. A baby. Your baby. Our baby.” She tentatively took his hand. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think of it that-that night. Ryan....Ryan never could get me pregnant. And I didn’t even consider protection.” 

“Are you mad about it?” Steve asked, finally able to get a coherent thought out.

She shook her head slowly. “I’ve always wanted babies. I didn’t thinkI could get pregnant from one time. I’m not mad, it’s just a shock.”

Steve took her carefully in his arms. “Oh my god, Ruth! I’m gonna be a daddy.”

Ruth nodded through tears. “I know.” She looked at him carefully. “You’re already a daddy to Bucky. We have to consider him too.”

“He’ll understand....won’t he?” Steve asked. 

“I hope so. We have eight months to prepare him.” Ruth leaned into his hug. “We didn’t really need this in all this chaos but I guess we’ll just deal with it.” 

“We’ll more than deal with it, Ruthie girl,” he vowed. “You’re going to be well taken care of.”

They walked back to the living room hand in hand. 

Bucky was excited to see Ruth up and about. He brought Steve and Spider doll to her. 

Dr. Carson looked at them. “So, it’s good news.” 

Steve grinned. “Amazing news!!”

When the doctor had gone, Ruth played with him, relaxing.How would Bucky react to the news? There was no point telling him yet. In a few months they would. 

“Mama,” Bucky murmured, laying his head against her shoulder. “Sick?”

She massaged his scalp gently, smiling when he almost purred. “No. Mama is okay.”

She was excited to get to DC now and start her new life.There was so much to look forward to!! 


	11. The Psychiatrist Chapter 10

It only took a few days after the stunning news of Ruth’s pregnancy for the team to get together and move the small family to DC. 

Pepper and Tony eagerly led them to the apartment in the tower, specifically designed for them. 

Steve held Ruth’s hand, a soft smile on his face. “Ready?”

Ruth nodded. 

Bucky chewed on his O and looked around the new environment with wide,anxious eyes. 

Natasha made sure he was looked after. “Come with me buddy. Let’s see your new house!”

Ruth was immediately impressed with the open concept and the sleek look of the modern kitchen. It was decorated in forest green counter tops and brushed silver appliances. 

The living room continued with a forest green couch and chairs and grey flooring. 

She and Steve laughed when Bucky excitedly pointed at the 60 inch television. “Oh oh oh!! Steve!! Daddy! Big tv!”

“Yeah bud. We’ll watch soon.” Steve promised. 

The bedrooms were similarly beautiful. 

Ruth sighed happily at the King size bed made up in dark blue bedding, that contrasted beautifully with the burnished copper bed frame. 

Bucky’s room was like stepping onto a beach.Steve had told Tony how much he liked the room at Ruth’s and Tony had gotten a professional in to paint a seascape on the walls. 

Bucky looked around in awe, giddy with excitement when he realized it was his room. 

He bounced onto his bed that had Nemo bedding and rolled around, giggling. 

The china cabinet was set up, pictures hung, and the boxes of clothes, food, dishes and other stuff, unpacked. 

Ruth was exhausted by the time it was all done.She sat down in one of the new recliners, closed her eyes and sighed. It was perfect! 

Bucky found his dolls and sat on the couch with Steve. “Commander. Go see?” 

Steve shrugged. “I don’t know where he is. Maybe he’s all gone.”

Bucky searched his face and shook his head. “Not gone. He find ...me.” 

Steve quirked an eyebrow. Bucky hadn’t talked much about Hydra in the past two weeks. 

Ruth also hadn’t had much time to do therapy with him. 

Steve felt a moment of concern. “Rumlow found you? Where?” 

“See him. Outside.” Bucky struggled to get the words out. Language had become difficult for him when he was under stress. 

Who was he kidding. It was hard all the time. He had words in his head, but they wouldn’t come out the way they were supposed to. 

He had times where his jumbled brain made some sense. Like today. 

He’d had a horrible headache this morning while all the activity was going on, and now his thoughts weren’t as fuzzy. It reminded him a little bit of how the Asset used to feel. He couldn’t really remember what it felt like to be the Asset.He just knew that the chair had helped him function even though it had hurt so much.It had made his brain clearer. 

Steve frowned deeply. “Why was Brock Rumlow outside the compound?” 

Bucky shrugged. “Dunno. Want me.”He was pretty sure of that! He wasn’t stupid. Hydra wouldn’t give up their asset that easily. 

“Well,” Steve huffed. “They’re not getting you!!” 

Bucky smiled a little. “Kay.” He crawled onto Steve’s lap and snuggled in tight, feeling safe. “Ruth better?” 

Steve kissed the top of his head. He was wondering what was going on.Buckyhadn’t called Ruth by her name in two weeks, preferring mama.His speech was still the usual but he seemed much clearer. 

“Yeah, she’ll be fine, honey. How are your headaches?” 

Bucky looked up at him, his blue eyes so deep, Steve wanted to just drink him in. “Bad today.” 

“They’re bad headaches?” Steve asked then, distracted. 

Bucky nodded. He was going to try and explain. 

“Get ache....bad hurt.” He took a moment, concentrating on his words. “Feel soldier after.Like ...maintenance.” He sighed. That was a lot of words!! 

Now Steve really was worried. What was going on with Bucky?? Did Hydra’s programming run too deep? Black anger settled deep in his stomach. He wanted to kill every Hydra piece of shit not just for what they’d done to Bucky but also because he wasn’t safe now. If Rumlow had been lurking, it wasn’t a good thing! How had no one else noticed? Was Bucky hallucinating? Maybe seeing a doctor wasn’t a bad idea. 

Bucky stuck his thumb in his mouth, unaware of Steve’s angry thoughts. He didn’t want to talk anymore. Seeing Commander in the trees on the other side of the compound when everybody had been busy had been disconcerting! 

It had made things seem strange and scary even though he’d been with all the Avengers. And then the headache had hit so hard he had almost buckled under the pain. 

“-a doctor.” Steve’s voice cut into his thoughts. 

Bucky looked at him quickly. “No.” He didn’t want any doctors. 

“We should get your headaches checked,” Steve said again. 

Bucky shook his head. “No. No doctor.”

Steve let the subject go, cuddling Bucky close. “It’s time for your milk, buddy.”

Bucky scrambled off his lap and went to the fridge. 

Steve got one of his bottles from the fridge and popped it in the microwave. “You want to go find your blankie?”

Bucky went to his room and reappeared a few minutes later with his blue blanket. 

Steve went back to the couch and pulled Bucky back onto his lap. 

Bucky snuggled into Steve’s shoulder, sucking happily at his bottle. 

He was asleep before it was half gone which didn’t surprise Steve. He’d looked so tired. 

Ruth sat up, yawning. “Oh gosh. Thanks Steve for letting me nap.”

“You needed it,” he said softly. “This guy just drifted off.”

Steve couldn’t stop thinking about Rumlow lurking outside and finally texted Tony about it. 

Tony texted back almost immediately. “What the hell are you talking about, Rogers? He wouldn’t dare show his face here after the Insight fiasco.”

“Bucky says he saw him.” 

There was no answer forthcoming for so long, Steve let it go until half an hour later,Tony knocked briskly and burst into their apartment. “Oh my gosh, Steve! What do I have fucking security for? I can’t believe this poor kid was the only one that saw him! I went back over our surveillance feeds and he was at the edge of the grounds! The bastard has nerve!”

Bucky woke up half panicked at Tony’s rant. “Daddy!”

“I’m right here,” Steve assured him, giving Tony a mild glare.

“Sorry kid,” Tony said, cowed. 

Ruth patted Bucky’s back. “He’ll be alright. You ready for some dinner, baby?”

Bucky got off Steve’s lap and followed Ruth to the kitchen. 

“Hungry!”

Ruth fed Bucky a jar of squash and one of blueberries then gave him a cookie and a cup of milk. 

He bit a chunk off the cookie, sucking on it until it was mushy and then swallowing it. 

Ruth cleaned his face when he was done. “Good boy.” 

When Tony had gone, Steve ordered pizza and Caesar salad for dinner. 

As they ate, Steve was quiet, pondering the appearance of the Hydra commander.Were there more? Was there some way they were watching Bucky? The thought made him look around furtively. 

Ruth watched him for a few minutes and then asked, “Steve, is something wrong?”

Steve sighed a little. “Rumlow was sniffing around here earlier. Bucky saw him.”

Ruth’s eyes widened with fear. “Is he safe?”

“Rumlow couldn’t get into the tower. Too much security. He was behind the tree line.” Steve viciously stabbed at a piece of lettuce. “I’ll kill them before they lay a finger on Bucky.”

She smiled a little. “I know you will.” She wasn’t going to dwell on it. They were twenty storeys up and there was strong security all around the tower. She could trust Steve to keep his family safe. 


	12. The Psychiatrist Last chapter!

Four days after moving in, Bucky had settled into routine, quite happy to have his Avengers friends close by. He spent Thursday afternoon with Pepper so Ruth could rest while Steve was at a team meeting. 

Ruth’s pregnancy was still making her sick and she was very tired. She napped with Bucky most days. 

Pepper found him sweet and refreshing. 

“Play?” He asked, offering her his “Spider” doll. 

Pepper sat down on the couch. “What is Natasha doing?”

He frowned a little. “Steve doll. Go get Bucky.” 

“Okay. Come Natasha. Let’s go with Steve and find Bucky.”

He pointed at the black widow doll. “Spider.”

Pepper smiled and nodded. “C’mon Spider.”

She played with him until he started yawning and then gave him his bottle, stroking his hair until he fell asleep on the sofa. She made up her mind to ask Ruth if she could have him one afternoon a week. She really loved this guy. 

The team returned with tense faces. 

Pepper looked around the table at the frowns. “What’s going on?”

Steve glanced at Bucky, asleep on the common room couch. “We think Pierce might have escaped after Fury shot him.”

“What?” Pepper asked softly in disbelief. “How?”

“Just a rumour at this point. I think Hydra’s trying to get us running scared,” Sam said pointedly. “Nick shot him in the chest.”

“Then where’s the body?” Clint asked.

Tony held up a hand. “We already had this argument. It’s just a damn rumour. We haven’t heard more than that Pierce’s body hasn’t been confirmed dead. Or buried. Doesn’t mean he’s not dead.”

Ruth walked into the kitchen at that point. Her face was pale. “Who is Pierce, exactly?” 

Steve squirmed uncomfortably. “Sorry, honey. I don’t want you to worry.”

“I’m already worried,” she said. “I know we’ve talked about Daddy Pierce but you’ve never let me in on who he was in Hydra.”

“He was the head of Hydra,” Nat finally said in a low voice.

Ruth went impossibly paler. “Oh.” Her eyes darted to the man sleeping on the couch. “What’s going to happen to him?”

“Nothing,” Steve said quickly. “Tony has his security on high alert and Pierce’s face is on Jarvis’ red alert.”

She sighed. “I know as long as you guys are here, we’ll be good.”

There was some general discomfort as the Avengers exchanged looks. 

Ruth felt emotion rising. “Your looks are telling me that something is up.”

“Honey,” Steve said, getting up and wrapping her in his arms. “We have a mission. Fury needs us. It’s classified and it’s urgent.”

“Oh. I see.” She frowned. “Right now?” 

He nodded. “Jet’s leaving in twenty minutes.” 

Pepper shooed them out. “I’ll watch Bucky. Go talk for fifteen minutes.”

Steve hurried to their apartment and quickly kissed Ruth. “I gotta change and pack a bag.”

Ruth nodded. She felt awful that she hadn’t even been able to ask Steve how he was coping with his incontinence since the Honduras incident. “How are you coping?” She asked, watching him lay down on their bed to change. She hadn’t changed him yet, but she watched him every night. 

“It hasn’t gotten any better yet but maybe after this mission is done I’ll have time to try harder.”

He tossed the soggy diaper in the garbage and got a fresh one out of the bag. 

“How long will you be gone?” She asked gettinghis backpack out of the closet. 

“Fury thinks this mission might be a couple days.” 

“Okay,” she said, watching him fasten the diaper and then pull his uniform on. “Steve, I came down to tell you, my house sold. I just need to go to the lawyer’s tomorrow and sign papers.”

“Tomorrow?” Steve said, pausing in buckling his belt. “Pepper can probably watch Buck.”

She nodded, hugging him once more. “Are you allowed to text me tonight?” 

“I’ll try,” he promised, throwing several diapers and a package of wipes into his backpack.

They went back to the team to find Bucky awake and having a snack. 

Steve came and gave him a hug. “Daddy has to go away for a few days. Can you be a good boy for mama?”

“Good,” Bucky echoed, drooling applesauce down his chin. “Go too?”

“Not this time, bud,” Steve said. He gave Ruth a last kiss and the team disappeared down the hall towards the elevator. 

Ruth sat at the table with Pepper and finished feeding Bucky.“I hope the days go fast.”

“I have to go uptown tomorrow morning for a high end client meeting but I should be home by two or so. Will you be okay here for that time?” Pepper scanned some papers from her briefcase. “This guy has been on my list for over a year and he finally decided to meet with me.”

Ruth wiped Bucky’s face. She had almost told Pepper about the fact that she had to go out but how hard could it be? “We’ll be just fine.” 

Ruth took Bucky back to their apartment, and decided to do a therapy session with him. It had been too long since she’d done one. “What do we want to play with today?” She asked.

Bucky chewed on his O and thought a minute. He went to his toy box and got out a soldier doll. “Ruth. Commander get Bucky?”

“No.” Ruth answered firmly. “He won’t.” 

Bucky dropped the doll looking around. “Steve doll?” 

Ruth looked as well. “Where is he?” 

Bucky shrugged. “Pepper?”

Ruth remembered she’d sent the dolls with Pepper after lunch. She texted her.

Pepper came into their apartment a few minutes later. “Here’s your dolls, buddy.” 

Bucky grabbed them happily, grinning. “Steve doll! Spider doll!”

Ruth thanked her and then took Bucky back to the living room. 

They talked about a mission that Bucky had been on with Rumlow where he remembered killing a young child. It didn’t come out in that many words but Ruth could read between the lines.

They talked about a few more missions, what it felt like to hold a gun, and what he had felt when the people had died. She really wanted to reach into that emotional core and find the switch. 

Ruth noted that his words were clearer and he was talking more than usual. 

She carefully brought up the day that Bucky had seen Steve again on the bridge. Steve had told her how hard that day had been on both of them. 

“Okay baby. Let’s talk about when Daddy Pierce told you to hurt Steve.”

Bucky looked at her with a wary gaze, his blue eyes suddenly shuttered. “No.”

Ruth was surprised. He was generally willing to explore most of the issues she brought up. “Bucky, did you want to hurt Steve?”

He turned his back to her, stiff and angry. “No talk!” He shouted, throwing a foam ball. 

“Bucky,” she said gently,“We need to talk about it. It’s important to find your feelings.” 

“No feelings!” He yelled, turning back to her.

She could see she’d hit a nerve because his lower lip was quivering and his eyes were huge with guilt and confusion. 

“Did you feel like Steve was important?” Steve had told her about how Bucky had asked why he couldn’t kill him. 

“Stop talk!!” He screamed, starting to cry. 

Ruth wondered if she should push him a bit. She wanted to be careful but she could see he was so close to actually opening that emotional lock.Was it hard to see Steve on the bridge?”

He fell to his knees and then his stomach, burying his head in his flesh arm and sobbing. 

She hadn’t seen him cry since the missing Cappy incident several weeks ago and she’d wondered where his emotions were locked away. “It’s okay to talk about this, Bucky.”

“No talk,” he cried. “No say.Punish. Asset bad.”

She frowned trying to follow his train of thought with the broken communication. “Why is the Asset bad, darling?” She asked.

“Asset try to hurt Steve. Kill Steve Rogers. Mission failed!” His wailing reached a fevered pitch and he was starting to melt down. 

“Shh Shh,” Ruth soothed. If he went into full meltdown, she had no way of restraining him to calm him down. It wasn’t what she wanted. She’d hoped he would talk. Unfortunately, for him, emotions and panic still went hand in hand. “Bucky, it’s okay to feel sad.” 

She started to sing his lullaby.

After a few minutes, his crying eased and he rolled over, hiccuping, but watching her. He swiped at his face with his hand. 

Ruth got a tissue and wiped his nose. “There we go. You’re mama’s good boy.”

He sat up, scooting to her on his bottom and lay his head on her lap. “Milk?” 

“How about some dinner first?” She asked. 

He followed her to the kitchen. “Hungry.”

She warmed up some rice and vegetable stew that she’d puréed and put his bib on. 

“Daddy?” He asked. 

“Daddy had to go work,” she said, spooning the mush into his mouth. 

He ate his food, sucking on his fingers in between and making a terrible mess. 

“Is your mouth bothering you?” She asked finally, wiping his face with a washcloth. 

In answer, he blew a raspberry and stuck his fingers back in his mouth. 

She warmed up a bottle for him after she’d had a bowl of soup herself. “Here’s your milk, sweetheart.” She noticed his shirt was damp and he was still drooling. 

While Bucky had his bottle, Ruth texted Dr. Carson. She trusted Dr. Carson’s advice. “Bucky has suddenly started drooling. He’s been acting like his mouth is bugging him this afternoon. He’s mouthing his fingers too. Is there a physical reason for this behaviour?”

Bucky had finished his milk before the doctor answered. “This is a side effect of feeding after long disuse of mouth muscles. How long has he been eating solids?”

“About two weeks or so?” Ruth guessed.

The doctor messaged back almost immediately. “He will probably drool for a few weeks and then it might taper off (hopefully).”

Ruth took Bucky to his room to change his dirty diaper and put pajamas on. She put a bib on him as well when she noted the amount of saliva on his chin again. 

Bucky played with some magnetic blocks she’d picked up while Ruth watched tv. 

Bucky was drooling like a teething toddler. Poor boy. It didn’t seem to be bothering him too much, however.He built with his blocks. 

Ruth watched her show, glancing at him every now and then. 

He stuck the point of the triangle with the cool metal ball in his mouth. 

“No no.” She got his chewie. “Have this instead.”

He didn’t seem to mind. 

Her heart leapt happily when Steve texted. “This’ll be my only communication, doll. Can’t send anything after tonight. We landed safely. How are you and Buck doing?”

“Good,” She said. “Bucky is developing some new symptoms of eating but it’s progress. I am pretty good.” She didn’t tell him Pepper was busy tomorrow. 

“Is he being good?” Steve asked.

“Yes,” she replied. “Angelic.” She sent a laughing emoji.

Steve sent back an eye roll then said he had to go. 

They exchanged ‘I love yous’ and said good night. 

Ruth took Bucky to bed with her an hour later as they were both yawning. 

Bucky squirmed around until Ruth patted his diaper. “Settle down.”

“Yuck.” He put his forehead on her shoulder. 

She rubbed his back. “Did you make more yuck in your diaper?” She sat up and checked. “You’re still dry. What’s yuck, baby?”

He patted his head. “Ow.”

“You have a headache?” She asked. 

He nodded. 

She rubbed his back until he relaxed and drifted off to sleep. 

Ruth woke the next morning to find Bucky staring at her. 

“Morning time,” he said, with a grin. 

Ruth breathed through the morning bout of nausea and got up. “Let’s go have some breakfast. Today we have to go uptown.”

“Uptown,” Bucky nodded, bouncing on his toes. 

Ruth made oatmeal for both of them, feeding Bucky and taking bites in between herself from her own bowl. 

He was more interested in blowing raspberries around his fingers than eating. 

“Buddy,” she said. “We have to eat. Ruth has to get ready.”

Bucky took a bite,chattering happily to himself. 

When he was more or less done, she washed the sticky mess off his face and hands, then took him to his room to get changed and dressed. 

“Milk?” He asked, pushing his hand into the T-shirt sleeve. 

“In a few minutes,” Ruth promised. 

When he was dressed, she turned on a dog show and gave him his bottle. While he was distracted she quickly got dressed and combed her hair. She tossed fresh diapers into the diaper bag, a few of Bucky’s favourite toys, and another bottle. 

When she got back to the living room, she groaned a little. So much for the clean diaper. She got another diaper and changed him again.“At least you had a stinky diaper at home.” 

Ruth had asked Jarvis the best way to get uptown and he’d set up a SHIELD car and driver for her. 

She hurried Bucky as fast as she could to the ground floor and found the car waiting. She gave the driver the address and sat back. 

Bucky wasn’t happy that Steve wasn’t in the car and asked every other minute where he was. 

She explained again that he had to work.

The driver dropped her off at the mall doors and told her to call him when she was done. 

She hurried Bucky inside. They were almost late! 

The lawyer was understanding. 

Ruth got Bucky settled with his dolls, Teddy and a book and then she sat down and started signing the large stack of papers. 

Bucky came to her a few minutes in, wanting his blankie. 

Ruth was thankful she’d packed it. She wiped his wet chin and gave him his blanket. 

He sucked his thumb, and watched a video on Ruth’s phone. 

When Ruth had signed the last one, she thanked the man and took Bucky’s hand. “Let’s go get a muffin.” 

They shared a large muffin in the food court. 

Bucky was antsy though. He kept looking around. 

“Ready to go home?” She asked. 

“Where Daddy?” He asked, staring hard at a security guard. 

She ignored the question and called the driver. They walked to the nearest exit. 

Bucky suddenly gasped in panic and Ruth had to remember to breathe. 

Brock Rumlow was sitting at the doors! He looked dejected and upset. 

Bucky started babbling frantically in Russian.Suddenly he stopped and a look Ruth had never really seen, came over his face. 

He looked different. Scary. 

He strode forward. 

She followed uncertainly. 

Bucky grabbed the Commander and slammed him against the wall. “What are you doing here?!”

“Please don’t hurt me,” Brock pleaded. “Hydra stabbed me in the back! They put me in the chair, just like you!”

Bucky looked fiercely at him. “What?”

“They tried to make me into an Asset too. You gotta help me!” He pleaded. 

Bucky dropped him back onto his feet. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I’m hurting, Bucky.I’m homeless. Got nowhere to go!” Brock looked so broken, Ruth stepped forward. 

“I’ll help you.” 

“Thank you, ma’am,” he said softly. “I don’t know why you’d help me but I appreciate it.”

Ruth smiled. “The car is waiting. Let’s go.”

She climbed into the back of the town car with both boys. 

As she glanced covertly at Brock on the trip back, she wondered if she had made the right decision. 

She studied his face. He looked beaten down.Yes. She had. Steve would understand. 


	13. The Healing Factor Chapter 1

Ruth Haring didn’t feel she had much choice in the matter. Her life had taken a drastic turn of events. 

She had taken on the role of psychiatrist and caregiver to Bucky Barnes and had fallen in love with Steve Rogers but by a strange twist of events, she had gone from wanting to personally kill every hydra agent for what they had done to Bucky, to becoming a psychiatrist to Brock Rumlow, Bucky’s old handler who had been used by Hydra as well.

She still wasn’t sure how she felt about it.

She had brought Brock home from the mall yesterday after finding out that Hydra had turned their claws on him after losing Bucky. What else could she do?? 

Ruth wasn’t at all sure what Steve was going to say about having an abused Hydra agent in the Avengers tower.

Ruth had locked herself and the two boys in their apartment in the tower. She hadn’t told Pepper yet what had happened. Pepper didn’t even know she’d left the tower yesterday morning. 

When the strawberry blonde had invited her and Buckyto join her for dinner last night she had said she was too tired. 

Truthfully, her pregnancy was still making her tired, despite the fact that she was almost two months pregnant. She just wasn’t altogether sure that Pepper would have seen things her way. 

Just last week, this Hydra agent had been skulking around the Tower grounds, for some unknown reason. It had put everyone on edge. 

Ruth sighed, hoping again she’d made the right decision. 

She tried to keep the boys apart as much as possible because Bucky was agitated about having Brock here.

Ruth could see why but couldn’t really just throw the guy back out. 

Brock had insisted Bucky should just kill him outright because if hydra found out he’d spilled their secret he’d be dead.

Ruth had taken him back anyway, and watched the strange interaction between him and Bucky. 

Rumlow had watched Bucky struggle to communicate. He’d seemed sympathetic. 

Bucky had seemed torn between wanting to be friends and punching him out.

Bucky still struggled with most areas of normal every day functioning. He wasn’t eating on his own yet, and he wasn’t eating hard solids. He wasn’t toilet trained, and he had difficulty speaking.

Ruth had realized yesterday after thinking about it, that the Asset had made an appearance when Bucky had been so panicked at seeing Rumlow. The Asset’s speech was much more cohesive than Bucky’s. He was, however, cold and emotionless. The alter had faded back again after they had come home and Ruth had soothed him. 

By bedtime, Brock seemed more at ease. He was quiet, watching Bucky. 

He’d nudged him when Bucky was bouncing on his toes. “Don’t do that. It’s annoying.”

“Brock. Leave Bucky alone,” she had said more harshly than she intended. 

She would not allow him to dominate Bucky in his safe place. 

He’d looked at her with a hurt expression and she’d felt awful. 

She had changed Bucky at eight and put him to bed after a forty minute crying jag that couldn’t be soothed with any amount of singing. 

When Brock had asked why he had a bottle, Ruth explained how they had been teaching him to tolerate food again. 

She was so glad when they both finally fell asleep and she could relax. 

Her thoughts kept her awake even though she was so tired. She had guided Bucky through a lot of healing in the last months but there was a long way to go yet. Would this complication be a setback? There were so many things that could go downhill. 

When Bucky had gotten up this morning, she turned the tv on to keep him entertained.

Brock hadn’t allowed her to change him last night and she could see he was wet. She was surprised he hadn’t leaked!

Brock sat on the couch and glanced at Bucky. 

“Why are you acting like this?”

Bucky shrugged, blowing spit bubbles around his fingers. 

“You’re disgusting!” Rumlow growled. He made a broad gesture of his lower abdomen. “Bucky! Does this woman change you too?”

Bucky didn’t answer. He didn’t like questions. Commander made him very nervous. 

Ruth breezed in again, forcing a bright smile. “Let’s get you guys changed.”

Bucky lay down on the floor, still blowing raspberries. Ruth wiped his chin with his wet bib. “You and your drooling, baby,” she murmured, pulling his pajama pants down. She changed him and then patted his stomach. “All done.”

Rumlow thought of how often he had changed Bucky in public. The poor sap didn’t even have enough dignity to cover himself. Didn’t even flinch when the woman pulled his diaper off and wiped him.

When she was done with Bucky, she looked at him expectantly.

“Come on. I can see that you’re wet. Unless you want to change yourself.”

He looked at her shyly. “Not allowed.” He lay down, watching her carefully. 

Ruth felt pity for the poor man when he blushed. He was definitely capable of feeling embarrassed. She made short work of changing him. She went to toss both soggy diapers and to wash her hands.

She was coming back through the kitchen when Steve opened the door and came in.

“Oh!” She gave a glad cry. “You’re back!” She held tightly to him, trying not to cry. 

He kissed her softly. “Hey Babe, what’s wrong?”

She took his arm. “I need to tell you what happened at the mall yesterday.”

Steve listened to her account without judgement. He was glad no one got hurt and he understood Ruth’s tender heart. But Rumlow....really?

“He is definitely different than Bucky.”

Steve quirked an eyebrow. “How’s that?”

She thought for a moment. “He’s got a lot more speech and he definitely has more mental capabilities than Bucky does. He told me they had put him in the chair as well. Did I do something awful?”

Steve kissed her again. “No, baby girl. You followed your heart.”

He slowly got up and went into the living room where the defeated Hydra commander sat on the couch watching tv with Bucky, in control of the remote.

Brock stiffened and cowered a little, waiting for a blow when he saw Steve.

All the captain did was remove the remote from his hand and sit down on a chair. “So, tell me what happened.”

“What do you mean?” Brock asked with a slight sullenness to his tone.

“Did Hydra break you like they broke Bucky?”

“My ‘training’ started a few months ago. I had no idea what was going on. Secretary Pierce told me he was putting me in a new position and then they started to do everything to me that they forced me to do to Bucky.“ He glanced at Steve’s face. It was neutral. Wasn’t he buying the story?? He pouted a little. “They put me in....the chair.” 

“So your recovery will be less harsh,” Steve said. “Are you on IV?”

Rumlow shook his head. “They were gonna start that next week, I think. They gave me a mind wipe and Pierce told them to put me in...well you know. “ he motioned vaguely towards his crotch.

“Diapers.” Steve supplied.

Rumlow flushed deeply but nodded. “I hate it.” He vehemently spit the words out. 

“What will you do if we aid in your recovery? Do you plan to go back to Hydra?” Steve asked, changing the subject.

Rumlow shook his head violently. “If I can get back to myself, I’m disappearing where Hydra will never find me.” It was the right answer. He saw Steve’s face relax. He didn’t tell Steve his plan to kill Pierce or of using Bucky to do it.

Steve was temporarily satisfied. “Okay. We’ll help you.” Steve left the room again.

Brock sat back, somewhat surprised. He’d expected Ruth to be gullible to his little ‘Hydra stabbed me in the back’ act but Steve frickin Captain America, SHIELD’s Baby, was willing to help him?? He was a better actor than he thought!

Steve watched their new addition carefully. If this was some stupid Hydra trick to get Bucky back, he was going to watch for it. 

Brock sniffled a little, to add effects. He needed to keep them convinced. His plan to take over Pierce’s position needed the Asset. A few weeks should do it. 

Lunch was a bit of a gong show.

Bucky was tired and Brock was just on edge. 

He felt rather guilty, as he watched Ruth feed Bucky baby food and Bucky drooled it back out onto a bib because he was still unable to eat properly. 

He didn’t like guilt! Hated it in fact. He’d followed the rules, done what Hydra told him to. He was told it was for the betterment of mankind! 

He made sassy comments instead and earned a harsh glare from Steve. 

Steve set a plate of food down. “You eat this food?”

Brock nodded with a defiant look. “I can eat on my own.”

“Are you sure?” Steve asked. “I think I’d better help today.” He grabbed a second bib and put it around the red faced Brock’s neck. He offered him a spoonful. 

Rumlow was not impressed but in the interest of preserving his life, he allowed it. 

Bucky whined and pushed Ruth’s hand away, pointing at his juice cup.

Ruth gave him the sippy cup and glanced at Brock. He was watching Bucky intently. “You okay?” She asked.

He wasn’t sure. “Make him eat on his own!” He demanded, unjustifiably annoyed. Maybe if Bucky ate on his own he could too.

Steve gave him a warning look. “Stop!” He fed him another spoonful of vegetables. 

Bucky was whining again and it grated on his nerves. “Why is he griping?” He finally demanded.

“He’s tired and ready for a nap,” Steve answered calmly. “Cmon Bucky. Two more bites.” Ruth cajoled.

They were hoping to start weaning him from his bottle soon. He’d gone from dependence on the IV to dependence on the bottle. Ruth had tried to get him drinking formula out of a sippy cup but he flat out refused and threw a tantrum every time they’d tried. 

Ruth put a spoonful of applesauce in Bucky’s mouth. 

Bucky shook his head, sticking his finger in and letting it run out onto his bib. 

“He woulda gotten backhanded for that when Hydra had him,” Brock said with an eye roll, accepting his spoon from Steve. 

Steve frowned. “He’s not with Hydra now.” 

Ruth wiped Bucky’s mouth and then popped a bottle of milk in the microwave.

Steve got up. “I’ll put him down for a nap. I’ll just be in the bedroom if you need me.”

Although the words were quiet, Rumlow didn’t miss the warning undertone. 

Steve wasn’t going to take any crap from him. Maybe Steve wasn’t quite as gullible as he’d thought...

Ruth poured him a glass of milk. “I’ll start with your toilet training tomorrow. Do you have any sensation at all?”

Brock shook his head sadly. “I don’t think so. But I can get it back, right? “

Ruth thought for a moment. “I’m hoping so. Muscles can be retrained. But it’ll take some work.”

“I’ll work hard!” He promised. 

“Nighttime may not be so easy,” she cautioned.

He nodded. 

He yawned and put his head on his arms on the table. He was trying to use the diapers to make it seem more realistic. He had last night. It had been uncomfortable! He didn’t like to feel any kind of loss of control. 

When the orders had come that he was to infiltrate and go undercover to retrieve the Asset, he’d balked hard. Pierce had vowed to really subject him to the torture if he didn’t. 

He concentrated and started to wet himself. He would not, however, mess himself. No. Way! 

Ruth patted his arm. “Why don’t I put you on the couch for a rest?”

“I don’t need a fuckin’ rest!” He yelled, frustrated by her interruption. 

Steve had emerged from the bedroom and in two steps he was beside him. One hand grabbed Brock’s bicep tightly. “Lower your voice and watch your language! Bucky just fell asleep. If Ruth says its time for a rest, you can walk to the couch or I’ll carry you by the waistband of your jeans.” He took a firm hold of Rumlow’s jeans. “Your choice.”

“I’ll walk!” Brock snapped, pushing Steve back. His bladder was twinging now at being clamped shut again. 

Steve’s mouth became a thin line. He grabbed the younger man by the shoulders and faced him squarely. “I’m going to say this once. You’re here because we care about helping you. Disrespect us and you will be disciplined. You’re not a big boy commander here, buddy. Remember that.”

Rumlow walked to the couch and lay down on his stomach, face turned away from them. 

Ruth gently draped a blanket over him and tucked him in. She hoped he would sleep a bit. He seemed tired.

When they’d left the room, he finished emptying his bladder, hoping the diaper would hold. He closed his eyes.

Steve and Ruth sat at the table with a cup of coffee. “Was I too harsh?” Steve whispered.

Ruth shook her head. “He seems to be in an adult mindset, needs care but he’s also rebellious to the idea. I think he’s afraid.”

Steve nodded. “You’re probably right. I’m gonna go tell the team.”

Ruth sipped the rest of her coffee alone. She couldn’t help feeling like her life was about to become very interesting. And she was going to be thrown into the world of potty training too. She needed training pants. The diapers wouldn’t slide up and down fast enough. She wondered if training Brock would get Bucky interested in using the toilet. Maybe. She knew from what Steve had said though, that Bucky had a lot of trauma associated with the toilet. 

When the boys woke up a couple hours later, Brock was quiet. 

Steve motioned to the floor. “Let’s get you changed.”

“I don’t need a change,” he frowned. He was starting to regret allowing Pierce to put him here. He didn’t want to be bowing to fucking Captain America!! 

Without warning, Steve pressed a hand to his diaper. 

Brock slapped his hand away.

Steve grabbed his wrist hard. “You’re wet and we’re heading to the common area for dinner. Lay down!”

With a defeated growl he slid to the floor beside where Ruth was changing Bucky.

Steve pulled his wet diaper down and he covered his naked genitalia, feeling the shame creeping like a dull red scarf up his neck and face.

Bucky looked at him. “What’s matter?” He wondered why Commander looked so uncomfortable.

Brock shrugged and only when Steve pulled his hand away to fasten the diaper did he relax a little. “All done baby.”

“I’m not a baby,” he hissed under his breath.

Steve just smiled a little. 

Bucky got to his feet, not bothering to wait for his pants. “Go Nat?”

“We will,” Steve said. “But we have to put your jeans on. Tonight director Fury is coming to dinner.”

“Who Furry?” Bucky wanted to know.

Rumlow quailed. He did NOT want to see Fury or any SHIELD personnel. Dammit!! He might be able to pull the wool over Steve’s eyes but he would really have to fall into a different mindset to be convincing! He wondered if he could just stay here. He doubted that would fly. 

He didn’t think he wanted to risk discipline at Steve’s hand either. Steve wasn’t one to mess with. 

Ruth dressed Bucky in his black jeans and blue t shirt. “Brock, come get your jeans and t shirt on too.” She pulled a grey shirt over his head.

He put his arms into the sleeves and slipped his jeans on. 

On the walk to the common room, Steve kept a gentle yet firm grip on his elbow. “You’re going to stay with me during dinner. Is that clear?”

Rumlow half hung his head and nodded. His mind was busy concocting a back story for his abused self. He knew these guys too well. Romanoff could see things and Fury was too perceptive sometimes. 

He worked himself into a mindset of wanting to be helped and cared for even though it went against everything he stood for.

The common area was full of Avengers all waiting for Fury.

Rumlow couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this uncomfortable. He stayed beside Steve, glancing shyly around at the others.

Nat whisked Bucky away. “Bucky boy! How are ya?”

He giggled and curled into her hug.

Brock wanted to sink out of sight. Especially when he received some of the looks. Everyone was suspicious. 

He kept his face down, glancing at Bucky to see how he was behaving. He pulled his shirt up a little, letting the waistband of his diaper show.He had to garner some sympathy. 

Steve put him on a chair. “Sit. Stay. You move and I will make sure you regret it.”

He sat. A quick look at Steve’s face told him that maybe Steve was more than a little suspicious. 

Ruth had never heard Steve speak so firmly to anyone but she figured that the former Hydra Agent probably needed a firm hand. She didn’t want to go against Steve’s ‘parenting’ in front of everyone so she let it be.

She warmed up Bucky’s jar of baby food and took out two sippy cups.

Brock took his, sipping on it, and staring at the table. 

Nat brought Bucky to Ruth. “He’s been patting his arm for five minutes. He’s hungry.”

“Thank you Nat,” Ruth smiled at the pretty redhead. She fastened a bib on Bucky and put one down by Brock’s spot.

“Do I have to wear this?” He whispered. 

Ruth gave him a look. “That’s Steve’s decision.”

He stared at the table. He had a feeling Steve was going to make sure he knew his place. Or figure out what Brock’s scheme was. 

Steve got back with three plates of steaming food and put one down for Ruth. “Alright. Let’s get these boys fed.” He picked up the bib and put it around Brock’s neck. “Hungry?”

Brock decided that a little sullenness would probably be more convincing than being too willing to please. He pouted and turned away. 

A heavy hand on his knee gave him a silent warning.

Brock didn’t make another sound. Just obediently opened and closed his mouth for the spoon. 

He almost choked on a spoonful of peas. 

Steve patted his back like he was two. “You okay there big boy?”

Brock frowned and nodded. He was fine.

Nick Fury was watching Ruth and Steve with their two boys intently. 

Steve had given him the story. Nick wasn’t sure if he believed it. Didn’t know if Steve really believed it either.

Hydra was a sneaky bastard corporation and he didn’t believe anything even for a second.

Brock didn’t look around at all. He sat in his chair as ordered and ate his supper silently. 

He glared at Bucky when he blew a raspberry around the soft nub of his cup and giggled. “Can you be quiet?” He grumbled.

Steve quelled him with a look. “Enough grouching or you’regoing to bed when we get back to the apartment.”

Rumlow eyed him defiantly again, but didn’t argue. He hadn’t intended to mess up his precious Bucky. At least not this much. Bucky was annoying as hell! He kicked Bucky in the leg with his boot, just to ease some of his frustration.

Bucky frowned and kicked him back.

Brock kicked him harder, eliciting a short howl of pain from Bucky and a vicious kick to his calf. He grunted in pain and rubbed the back of his leg.

Steve frowned. “You just can’t leave him alone, can you.”

“He kicked me!” Brock said quickly.

“Kick me first!” Bucky spat back. He reached for his juice and hit Brock on the shoulder with it.

“Hey,” Ruth said sternly, grabbing the juice cup. “No.”

Bucky turned to face her, his eyes questioning and a pout on his full lower lip.

“Siblings,” Bruce quipped. 

Fury came forward. “I can have Rumlow moved to a psychiatric facility if you’d rather.”

Brock thought fast. “Sorry,” he said, trying to elicit tears. “Please don’t make me go away.”

Steve took a moment then shook his head. “Not yet. Give us a week. He’s not been here long enough yet to establish a routine. Sorry Nick. I’ll catch you later. I’m going to take these guys to our apartment and help Ruth put them to bed.”

Everyone nodded their understanding.

Brock felt relief and then noticed Steve’s thin lipped glance at him. His stomach squeezed anxiously. Crap. He’d pissed Steve off.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized again as soon as they were out of the crowded room.

Steve stopped and faced him. “Thanks for the apology. “ He continued on with a firm grip on Brock’s arm.

Ruth followed with Bucky.

“Steve mad?” Bucky asked.

Ruth smiled a little. “Steve wants to make Brock listen. He’s not listening to Steve.”

Rumlow tried a little to wiggle out of Steve’s grasp. He was pretty sure he was going to be disciplined. He wondered what it was gonna be. What kind of discipline did Steve Rogers hand out? Flogging? Cutting with a razor? Sitting in a dark room for days? He’d had them all. 

Steve took Brock into the bedroom. “Why is it so hard to listen? Did you give your Hydra superiors this much trouble?”

Brock shuffled his feet a little. He was legitimately tired. It had been a really long day. Several mornings ago he’d been Commander Rumlow. Today he was trying to be a convincing abuse victim. It wasn’t easy! And he sure as heck couldn’t tell anyone. He decided to go with something else. “Bucky is annoying.”

“That’s not his fault,” Steve said sternly. “I warned you that discipline would follow misbehaviour. Tell me what it was that you’re getting disciplined for.”

“Kicking him,” he said without remorse.

“That’s right,” Steve said. “He didn’t deserve to be kicked. You started the fight and your attitude needs adjustment.”

The younger man didn’t say anything. He kept his head down, showing obeisance. 

Steve sighed. “I know you’re still learning the ropes. I’m going to give you a spanking. I want this to remind you that I’m not going to tolerate this behaviour.” He pulled Brock’s jeans down and gave him three good hard smacks with his hand where the diaper met his thigh.

Brock didn’t move. He accepted the punishment silently. It hurt a little but he wasn’t about to let Steve see him flinch. He waited for the next part to come. It never did.

Steve pulled his pants into place again and sat on the edge of the bed. “Come here.” His voice was soft now. He pulled Brock down beside him. “Are you going to be a good boy now?”

Rumlow nodded slightly. Did Cap think that was all it took? He’d let him think it. 

When Steve gave him a quick hug he was startled and looked at Steve with wide eyes.

Steve smiled and patted his shoulder. “Okay. Go tell Ruth you’re ready for your pajamas.”

He left to go find Ruth.   


She was changing a stinky diaper. “Diaper King Bucky! The drooler of the dark world!”

Bucky giggled. “Mama silly!”

“Yes I am,” she laughed. 

Brock watched her clean him and put the diaper on. “Ruth, Steve said I should get pajamas on.”

She finished changing Bucky and then got up. “How’s”yourdiaper?”

“Not bad,” he said quietly. He had to go to the bathroom. He wondered what to do. He fidgeted a little. 

Ruth recognized the look. “Do you have to go potty?”

He blushed bright red but nodded. He was about to say something sarcasticbut his leg was still stinging a little and he also didn’t want Steve to think the “punishment” wasn’t good enough. If he messed up this mission, he wouldn’t just be facing Steve’s wrath, he’d be facing Pierce.

She led him to the bathroom and took his diaper off. “I’ll be back in two minutes.”

He did NOT like doing his business in front of people. Even at the safehouses he was insanely anal about locking the door. Fortunately it was quick. He wiped and flushed.

Ruth came back with a fresh diaper and pajamas. “Lay down.”

He obeyed without a fight. She saw the red mark Steve had left but didn’t say anything. 

Once he was diapered and in his pajamas, she led him to the living room, where Steve was cuddling with Bucky.

Bucky was playing with Steve’s gold chain around his neck.

“Don’t pull,” Steve cautioned, untangling Bucky’s fingers gently. He jiggled Bucky’s bottle to distract him.

Bucky took his bottle and put it back in his mouth. He relaxed his head on Steve’s shoulder, his eyelids drooping.

Brock watched a little enviously. Bucky obviously got special treatment. “It’s weird that he’s so cool with being babied.”

Ruth rubbed his shoulder to relax him. “His reasoning and mental skills are not where a normal adult’s are.”

“Because of Hydra?” He asked slowly, trying to quash the guilt that made him feel emotional. 

She gently ran her fingers through his short hair eliciting a small sigh of pleasure. “Probably because of the numerous times they shocked and wiped his mind, yes.”

Brock felt the stab of guilt again. He leaned against Ruth’s knee, smelling the sweet scent of a woman on her. She was so gentle. He had not had a woman care about him in the least for many years. If ever.

“We’re gonna have to get these babies to bed,” Ruth said a few minutes later. “They’re exhausted.”

Steve carried Bucky to bed and Ruth followed with Brock who shuffled behind her, yawning. He wouldn’t mind being her baby. He fidgeted as arousal made him half hard. 

Steve stopped at the door to Bucky’s bedroom . “How are we gonna do this?”

“Let’s get that foam mattress from the closet,” Ruth said.  “Tomorrow we’ll get a second single.” 

Brock was too tired to complain about sleeping on the floor.

Steve carefully lay a snoring Bucky down and got the mattress out, tucking a sheet around the corners. 

Ruth tucked Brock in with a comforter. “Sleep tight babies,” she whispered at the door.

She and Steve headed to their bedroom. It was well over an hour before they fell asleep, talking about the turn of events. 

Ruth tucked herself solidly against Steve’s body and fell asleep, happy to have him back again. 

Rumlow wasn’t in a great mood the next morning. He couldn’t tell anyone, but Pierce had texted him demanding to be given a time frame. He wasn’t happy with three weeks. He’d threatened Brock with all manners of untimely demise if he didn’t have the Asset back at the Hydra facility in two weeks tops! 

When he refused to talk, Steve tried to be gentle. The guy was having obvious issues.

“Brock, please don’t swear, especially around Bucky. I don’t need him picking that up in his current state of mind.” This was right after he’d given Bucky a growl and sworn at him for being loud.

Brock gave him a measured look and Steve could see his defiance. “Fine,” he ground out in a gravelly voice.

Ruth tried to lift his mood with a bowl of oatmeal.

“Am I allowed to eat on my own?” He snarked.

Steve was going to let him but at that moment his desire to make this guy understand who was boss made him make a decision. “No. I’ll feed you baby,” he said in a voice dripping with sugar.

Rumlow immediately realized if he’d kept his fuckin mouth shut he’d have been able to. He was used to being the dominating male and it wasn’t easy to submit to CaptainFrickinAmerica!

Steve smiled as he fed him a spoonful of oatmeal. “After breakfast, Ruth is going to start your potty training. I brought pull-ups for you.”

A red stain of embarrassment crept up his cheeks and he choked on his current spoonful of oatmeal. “Oops!” Steve caught at his chin with a napkin. “I should have put a bib on you.”

Ruth was looking into Bucky’s oatmeal as she fed her other ‘baby’ because she didn’t want to laugh at the interaction going on across the table. The fight for dominance was real. She had no doubt who was going to win.

Bucky was watching with interest but fortunately he wasn’t really understanding what was going on.

Ruth are her own oatmeal as well. 

“How’s the nausea?” Steve asked. 

Ruth shrugged. “Getting better. Finally.” 

Rumlow looked between them. “You’re pregnant?”

Ruth was taken aback at his quick perception and put a finger to her lips. “Bucky isn’t aware yet.”

He didn’t say anything else but stored the information away. 

When breakfast was done, Ruth rinsed the dishes and stacked them in the dishwasher. A soft sigh behind her made her turn.

Rumlow looked highly uncomfortable but he managed to get the words out. “Steve said I’m ready for my pull-up.” He twisted his hands in his t shirt nervously.

Ruth smiled. “Okay. Come with me.” She led him to the bathroom.

Brock wasn’t sure if he was gonna puke up his breakfast or pass out from a panic attack. This was a real trigger for him. 

She didn’t give him a choice. The diaper came off. “Sit on the potty, please.”

He sat because his legs weren’t gonna hold him up. 

He was remembering way back when he was a kid and not little either. A kid about eleven or so. Old enough to know better. His best friend Marcie would come over and they’d play “house” except he’d be the kid who was getting potty trained EVERY TIME. Marcie would insist on calling it a potty. She’d play with him while he was sitting on the toilet. 

He recognized it now as sexual abuse. But at the time, it had felt bad and good at the same time. 

It was the weirdest feeling in the world to be scared of this but want Ruth to touch him at the same time. 

He scratched himself a little. Ruth was a beautiful girl. He frowned. He was starting to get hard. 

She was pregnant with Steve Rogers’ baby. The thought cooled his jets a little

She slipped a pull-up over his feet and pulled it to his knees.

“All done trying?” She asked. He nodded. This was gonna get tricky! How often did a training person wet themselves? 

He got up and quickly pulled it into place. There were blue indicator lines on the pull-up. 

He realized about 5 seconds later, that he wasn’t getting pants today.

Steve told him it was easier to gauge if he needed to go in just a pull-up.

“You have to be fucking kidding me!” He spat out. “I’m not Bucky. I’m not gonna traipse all over in my fuckin pull-up.”

Steve gave a heavy sigh. “Brock, enough. First, I’ve warned you about five times not to use that language. Time out corner. Now.”

He almost laughed. Time out?? Did Steve think he was fucking five?? He resisted a little just for effect but Steve led him to a corner and put a short green stool down. “Sit. Fifteen minutes.”

“Fuck off,” Rumlow snarled, grumpy now, then turned his face into the corner. 

“Twenty,” Steve said firmly. The man said nothing more.

Bucky had watched the exchange with interest. “Say fuck?” He asked.

“Bucky,” Steve warned. “Don’t use that word. It’s not nice.”

Bucky giggled and swore several times under his breath watching Steve’s face with an impish grin.

“Okay,” Steve said. “Time out for you too, mister.” He couldn’t help smiling at Bucky’s giggle. “You’re a stinker.”

However, Steve didn’t want him to think he could just get away with using bad language. 

He sat Bucky on a blue stool in the opposite corner.

“Time out,” he said seriously, trying not to react to the mischief dancing in those blue eyes. “For saying bad words.”

“Fuck,” Bucky said, pouting.

Steve shook his head and went to the kitchen to start a five minute timer for Bucky. 

“He’s being a little shit,” Steve said softly. 

Ruth looked bit her lip to keep back a smile. “Might want to rephrase that.”

Steve spun around.

Bucky was standing there, grinning. “I get up!”

“Bucky, you’re supposed to be in your time out chair.” He took Bucky back and sat him down firmly. “Stay.” He looked at Bucky. “Got it?” 

Bucky didn’t stay. It had become a game. As long as Steve was watching he sat but once Steve turned his back, he was gone, giggling and being a turkey.

Rumlow’s twenty minutes came to an end. Steve went and talked to him. “Try to curb your language. I really don’t need Bucky spouting off especially in public and he’s not capable of understanding that yet.”

“You baby him too much,” Brock said, without much malice. “He’s a fu.....a Soldier. Not a kid.”

“I’m aware of that.” Steve said. “You may go.”

Released from his corner, he went to ask for a drink of milk.

Ruth gave him milk. “Do you need to pee?”

He shook his head quickly. He’d decided having an “accident” would seem normal.

Steve turned to find Bucky behind him. 

“Steve. I say fuck!”

He gave Bucky’s padded ass a firm swat. “Quit being a brat.”

Bucky looked at him, his eyes full of mischief. “Be brat!”

In one smooth move, Steve had Bucky on his lap on the couch, holding him firmly. “Really. And hows that going for you? You’re a stinker.” He growled playfully into his ear.

Bucky giggled and tried to push away but Steve held him tight. “You’re going to have your time out here with me. We’re going to sit for a couple minutes.”

Bucky relaxed against Steve’s shoulder, sucking his thumb. His bib was soaked from drooling. 

“Ruth, could you bring me a dry bib please?” He asked. 

Ruth brought him one. “His drooling is so bad!” 

Steve switched his bibs. “Why is it so bad?” 

Ruth told him what the doctor had said. 

Steve closed his eyes for a moment. One more thing to add to the list. 

Bucky whimpered suddenly, nuzzling his head into Steve’s neck. 

“Headache?” Steve asked. 

He nodded. 

Steve gave Bucky’s diaper a test feel. “Let’s get you changed.”

Steve wasn’t going to be too hard on him. He was unfortunately picking up the bad behaviour from Brock. He sighed a little. Life was going to get crazy. 

He carried Bucky to the bedroom. 

Bucky lay quiet on his bed. “Steve, yucky.”

“Okay buddy.” He started changing him.

“You sleepy, honey,” Steve asked, cleaning him thoroughly.

Bucky nodded, yawning. He wasn’t capable yet of seeing the former Hydra Agent as anything except Commander and he was on an emotional roller coaster.

“We’ll have lunch and then you can have a nap.”

Lunch was soup and grilled cheese which Bucky wanted to try.

Ruth fed him bits of sandwich and soup with mashed up crackers.

Brock was having soup too and had to admit, it tasted good, even though Steve fed it to him like an f-ing baby. He was halfway through his lunch when he felt the need. He let go. 

A minute later he jumped up. “Oh no!” 

Steve eyed his sagging pull-up.

“It’s alright, baby,” Ruth said gently. “We’ll try again after your rest.”

He ate the rest of his lunch. Ruth was so sweet. He wondered if she actually cared about him? It made him feel worse about what he had to do. 

After lunch, Steve diapered Brock, and Ruth lay Bucky down with a bottle in his bed for a nap.

Steve tucked Brock into his new bed. “Have a sleep. You’re exhausted.” He ran a gentle hand over the younger man’s head.

Brock nodded. “Okay,” he said in a small voice.

When Steve and Ruth left, he thought about his mission and what it would probably do to Ruth. It was clear she loved Bucky a lot. 

He did finally fall asleep. 

Both boys slept soundly for two and a half hours.

Steve and Ruth talked about Brock, and the effect he was having on Bucky. “Fury wants to run some tests on him,” Steve said. “He’s coming by with Tony’s psych this afternoon. Around 4.”

“I don’t want him taken away,” Ruth said. “I think we can help him.”

Steve shrugged. “Fury’s word goes. He doesn’t trust him.”

“Can’t he see that Brock is a victim?”

Steve shrugged. “I don’t know doll.” He cuddled with Ruth, rubbing his large hand over the barely there bump on her abdomen. “Hi baby,” he crooned softly. 

Ruth felt such a love for this man it made her ache. 

Steve got up after awhile. “I better wake the boys.”

As soon as Brock opened his eyes, Ruth said, “Let’s go to the bathroom, sweetie.”

He wasn’t even awake, let alone aware if he needed to go, but he followed her and let her take his diaper off. “You’re dry!”

He wanted to roll his eyes. Of course he was! 

He sat down, rubbing his eyes.He let his bladder release. 

“Good job, buddy!” Steve praised from where he leaned against the doorframe.

“Glad I could please my audience,” Brock mumbled. 

Ruth slipped a pull-up on and he pulled it up. 

He was really glad when Steve tossed him a pair of sweats. Until he was told he had a meeting with Fury. He swore under his breath then shot Steve a quick apologetic look.

Ruth got Bucky changed and dressed after his nap then gave him a bottle of milk and a teething cookie to suck on.

When Nick showed up, Ruth tried not to be intimidated by the tall ,dark skinned director of SHIELD.

He was straight forward but seemed nice enough.

She almost quailed for Brock though under that unwavering gaze. 

He wore a black eye patch over one eye but he could still seem to look right through to your deepest secrets.

He didn’t say anything for several minutes. Just watched Rumlow relaxing on the couch.

“You have anything you want to voluntarily reveal before we begin?” He asked in his smooth tone that left no question or doubt that he was serious.

Brock didn’t look up. “Hydra used me. Intended to make me into another asset to use.”

Bucky looked up, his chin covered in wet cookie crumbs. He pointed at Nick. “Eye.” He said. 

“Shh,” Ruth said softly, distracting him with his bottle.

Nick thought about Brock’s admission. “What proof do you have?”

He pulled his sweats down enough for Nick to see his pull-up. “They wiped my brain.”

Nick rubbed his chin thoughtfully.“You heard the rumour that Alexander Pierce wasn’t confirmed dead after Insight?”

Brock sucked in a noisy breath. “What??”

Nick didn’t display any sympathy to Brock’s shock.

“I’ll give Ruth and Steve a couple weeks to get you back on your feet and then we’ll get you integrated with SHIELD again.” Fury folded his arms. 

Bucky sucked noisily on his cookie for a moment and when everyone looked at him, he showed his cookie off, before puttingit back in his mouth.

A hint of a smile played on Nick’s face before he turned his attention back to Brock.

The questions were standard and Brock answered each one. 

When Fury asked what he’d done to make Hydra turn their torture on him, he yelled at him and stormed out of the room. 

Ruth followed him. 

Brock turned to her. “Leave me the fuck alone!”

She didn’t take it personally. “I will. Can I check your pull-up?”

He shot her an angry look. “Whatever.” He wasn’t altogether sure that Fury hadn’t seen through his cover and he knew Pierce would murder him if he failed. 

She took him to the bathroom and checked him. He was already wet. He’d peed his pull-up without hardly noticing a few minutes ago. That stressed him too! 

She gave him a fresh pull-up. 

Steve came into the bathroom as he was pulling up his sweats. “Fury left. What’s with the language again, Brock?”

Ruth slipped by Steve, patting his ass as she went by. “Don’t be too harsh,” she whispered. 

Bucky was sitting on the floor crushing the remainder of his cookie in his metal hand and licking the crumbs from in between the plates and from the floor.

“Oh baby, no!” She got him up and into the kitchen. “Sit here while I clean up your mess.”

Once she’d swept it up, she gave Bucky the tv remote and sat him on the couch. “Find the puppies.”

Brock settled down and Steve had an arm around his shoulder when they came back to the living room.

“Let’s just order dinner in,” Steve suggested. “How about Chinese?”

She smiled. Their first meal together had been Chinese. It seemed like forever ago.

Brock pushed back against the emotions that wanted to embrace the familial setting he was in. 

Steve was being kind and Ruth was sweet. 

When dinner was delivered, Ruth cut up some food for Brock and got rice for Bucky. 

They ate while chatting about the weather and their favourite tv shows.

Rumlow felt drawn into the family and sighed. He’d been raised by his mom and that had meant pretty much raising himself and joining the army at sixteen. 

After dinner, the boys wandered back to the living room to watch the dog show. Bucky draped his arms over the back of the rocking chairfeigning relaxation. 

Brock recognized the look on the Soldiers face. He was getting ready to do his business. Gosh, how often had he seen that look.

He remembered when Pierce had put him in charge of the Asset and told him to make sure that he was changed morning and evening.

He had thought he meant changing him twice a day....until that first day.

After that he’d recruited someone else for diaper duty. He wasn’t hired to change diapers! 

He had, eventually as he’d gotten to know the Asset more. But it was never comfortable. He got up. 

“Ruth, I gotta go,”

“Ok quick!” She encouraged. This time she didn’t leave and he had to do his business too. “Can I have a little private time?”

Ruth nodded. “I’ll go check on Bucky.” 

“Steve, can you diaper Brock once he’s done on the toilet? I need to change Bucky.” She called. He was sporting a full diaper and a satisfied look. 

Steve turned from cleaning the table and grabbed a diaper from the cabinet. “Sure.”

Brock looked up as Steve came in. “I’m not done,” he mumbled.

“Take your time,” Steve said.

With a sigh he finally managed to finish even with an audience, and flushed. “I’m ready for my diaper. It’s been a long day.”

Steve diapered him. “I know, buddy. It has been.”

Ruth warmed up Bucky’s bottle and the boys snuggled between her and Steve, finally relaxed. 

She rubbed Brock’s back while Steve held Bucky. 

Once they were put to bed, Ruth told Steve she was exhausted. It had been a very long day.

Steve tucked her in, laying behind her and playing with the tiny tendrils of hair beside her ears. He gently rubbed the tiny swell of her stomach, still amazed that he was going to be a father. 

His thoughts turned to Fury’s words.

“You can keep Rumlow under one condition. He submits to you. Completely. I still don’t trust him.” 

Steve had to admit, he kind of agreed.


	14. Healing Factor Chapter 2

Steve woke with the dawn the next morning after a restless night. He wasn’t feeling very confident in his skills to follow Fury’s orders with Rumlow.

Making the former Hydra agent submit was making Steve feel things he’d rather not delve into. Revenge for Bucky was in there and also a chance to get even with Rumlow for all the crap he pulled while he was with SHIELD.

He’d never missed a chance to humiliate Steve if at all possible. Somehow he wanted to make him submit without giving in to these emotions biting at his mind and souring his stomach. Captain America helped people. Even jerks like Brock Rumlow.

Ruth turned over and looked at him. “Good morning.”

“Morning, doll,” he said, a smile ghosting his lips. “Did you sleep alright?”

She nodded. “You?” Her fingertips grazed his abs as she checked his diaper.

He shrugged. “Lots on my mind.”

“Like what?” She asked.

“Brock, Bucky, what it’s doing to Bucky to have Brock here and wondering if it’s too much for you right now.” He looked at her.

“I don’t know,”Ruth said honestly. “Bucky seems to be okay. I want to find time to have therapy with him today.I’m actually starting to feel better all the time.” 

Steve nodded. “If you think it’s okay then I’ll stick to the plan.”

Ruth didn’t ask which plan. She saw something in Steve’s eyes that made her wonder what Fury had talked to him about.

“You ready for a change?” She got up and slipped her robe on, tossing him a clean diaper and sweats.

“I’m actually gonna go into pull-ups. I’m starting to get some sensation back finally.” He grinned like a schoolboy.

She kissed him with a soft laugh. “Wonderful!!”

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom and then I’m going to get Brock up.” 

She nodded. 

A few minutes later, Steve was dressed and in the boys’ bedroom. 

“Up and at em,” Steve said quietly, noticing Brock stirring and not wanting to wake Bucky.

Brock opened one eye. “Seriously?”

“Time to go pee.” Steve pulled him to a sitting position.

Brock shrugged and rubbed his eyes then slowly shuffled towards the bathroom with Steve right behind him.

He stood still while Steve removed the wet night diaper. He’d made sure that he was wet before falling asleep. He stood in front of the toilet without thinking and let go. 

Steve quirked an eyebrow but said nothing. He wondered how long Brock had been incontinent. It seemed like he had pretty good control.

Unaware of Steve’s thoughts, guilt stabbed at Brock as a sudden memory came to him of waking Bucky out of a dead sleep and making him sit on the toilet because they could and then two other agents had used stun guns to shock him. Trying to make him urinate.Seeing Bucky now was making him feel stuff he didn’t like. He was gonna have to speed things up. 

“Does Bucky ever use the toilet?” he asked. He had to know. Surely he’d gotten over that.

Steve wondered where the question came from, but answered frankly. “No. He’s absolutely terrified of it.”

Rumlow felt guilty. Again. Once he’d emptied his bladder, he pulled on the pull-up Steve gave him. 

He had the innate sense that somehow Steve was seeing through his facade. 

Ruth was making coffee when they walked in. 

Bucky was sitting at the table, sucking on his teddy bear’s ear. The poor bear looked a little dishevelled.

Steve pointed Brock to a chair and then went to help Ruth with breakfast.

“Morning, Bucky,” Rumlow said, his tone friendly.

Bucky looked at him, his blue eyes huge. He sucked harder on the unfortunate bear’s ear.

He still didn’t like it that Commander was here. Somewhere in his jumbled thoughts he was seeing things that didn’t make sense. 

Brock didn’t bother saying anything else. Just thought, “Good god, kid, no one’s gonna hurt you here. Get over it.” 

Steve brought a bowl of oatmeal to the table for him. By the look on Cap’s face he wasn’t eating on his own this morning. 

This irked him so much. He could almost smell dominance on Steve today.It made his own stubbornness come forward.

Ruth got a bowl of oatmeal for Bucky then tied a fresh bib around his neck. “Put teddy down.” She gently pulled the bear away from his mouth. Drool beaded on his chin and dripped onto his bib.

The bear looked forlorn, it’s one ear wet and misshapen.

Brock wondered why they let him indulge in behaviour like this. He wasn’t a child although they treated him like one! He remembered the flogging the Soldier had gotten for being found sucking his thumb. The idiot had actually howled. 

He obviously hadn’tstopped though. He still did it here. Without any consequences.

“Here. Yummy.” Ruth lifted a spoonful to Bucky’s mouth.

He opened his mouth obediently for the oatmeal.

Brock wondered if maybe being a bit more childlike would help his cause. He opened his mouth for his oatmeal as well. 

Bucky looked at Brock. “Eating?”

“Oatmeal. Same as you,” he said. He looked at Steve. “Did Hydra seriously scramble his brains that much that he can’t talk properly?”

Steve gave him a look that made him quail inwardly. “Sorry.”

Ruth sighed. “The extreme trauma from constant abuse caused his psyche to split and he blocks out the soldier, stayingin his regressed stage instead. His communication is very limited. That is directly due to the shock torture he endured.”

Brock frowned a little. “Shit! That sucks.”

“Language,” Steve warned.

“He’s like a fuckin’ toddler right now,” Rumlow argued.He had decided a rebellious teenager was a good fit. “What’s he possibly gonna pick up? So what if he uses some bad language. Beats this one word stuff he’s using now! Besides,  dad , I was talking to Ruth.”

Steve put the empty bowl down a little harder than necessary. “Corner. Now.”

Brock shrugged. Fine. He had to admit he could enjoy this assignment after all if he got to annoy Rogers this much. He wandered to his time out chair.

Bucky watched him. “Time out?” He turned away from the spoon Ruth offered him.

Steve geared himself for the inevitable. “Yeah Bucky.”

Ruth watched Bucky process that information. “Say fuck?”

Steve sighed a little. “Yes he did. Now no more bad words.”

Bucky held his arms up. “Carry.”

“Aren’t your legs working this morning?” Steve asked, smiling.

Ruth laughed. “He’s a suck! He knows how to get your attention. I guess he’s done eating You want to change him while I get him a bottle?”

Steve carried Bucky to the couch. “You are stinky, my Bucky boy.”He changed his diaper then pulled him onto his lap. “Ruth is getting your milk.”

Brock sat in his time out his fertile mind concocting more schemes to get into minor trouble. 

Even Hydra had time out but it wasn’t usually this nice. It generally involved cuffs and a chair in a dark room for a day. Sometimes longer. 

He veered his thoughts to Bucky. Steve had to know he would never get Bucky back completely. Bucky was programmed. That was never gonna change but Steve just couldn’t leave it alone. He had to have his “ friend ” back. He chanced a glance at Bucky, sitting on Steve’s lap, drinking his bottle. Pierce would probably have an aneurysm if he could see his precious Asset now ,treated like a fuckin’ baby. How did Steve think it was gonna help? 

He ever so carefully touched a small button on the underside of his “watch” that didn’t actually tell time. 

His mind was taken off Bucky when he realized he had no idea how much longer he had to stay in time out and he had to go. His stomach was cramping. 

Shit. A minute later he figured what the hell. Cap wanted a kid, he’d get one. With a grimace, he did the unthinkable. 

Steve was playing Itsy Bitsy Spider with Bucky, making him giggle. He watched Rumlow and saw the subtle shifting as he squirmed a little. He put Bucky on the couch. “I’ll be back.”

Bucky whined, then settled back with a pout.

Brock heard him approach and looked up.

“You need to go potty?” Steve asked.

Brock shook his head. “I had an accident.”

Steve took his hand and led ,  yeah fuckin led , him to the bathroom like he didn’t know where it was. He really hoped he’d be allowed to shower.

“Why didn’t you tell me you had to go?” Steve asked, getting wipes and a diaper. 

Brock shrugged. “Not supposed to talk in time out.” Bingo. He could see immediately that Steve felt bad. 

Steve cleaned him (which was fucking embarrassing! He didn’t know how Bucky did it daily.) and then put him in an actual diaper again. “Maybe a diaper is better for now.”

Rumlow left the bathroom and Steve washed his hands.

He’d realized why Brock had asked about Bucky using the toilet, putting the puzzle together with Bucky’s terror. It made his blood boil.

Maybe Rumlow had been following orders. Maybe he was a sick twisted bastard who loved hurting people. Regardless it made Steve mad enough to spit nails.

Steve wasn’t sure what direction to take. He was going to make Rumlow submit. 

Brock was stubborn, and Steve was ready to lay down the law. There was no way that he wasn’t winning this one. His best friend on the couch in the living room deserved to know Steve had done everything he could. 

Rumlow went back to his corner, quite happy with himself. 

Bucky had found one of Steve’s old photo albums and was paging through it slowly.

Ruth watched him. She was trying to get him interested in playing but he wasn’t having it right now. One page in particular seemed to hold his attention.

He studied each picture, his finger touching the page softly. Then she heard him whisper, “Bucky.” His lip quivered.

She walked over to him and sat down. “Did you find your picture?”

He looked at her, eyes bright with tears. “This Bucky. Not broken.”

The Bucky in the picture was laughing, arm draped casually around a much smaller Steve’s shoulders. He was pointing at the camera man, maybe having told a joke or perhaps just being silly.

“You’re still that Bucky, honey.” She stroked his soft dark hair. “Steve didn’t stay the same either and he didn’t expect you to.”

His expressive eyes told her his doubts clearly.

Ruth gently closed the book and stroked Bucky’s left hand. He didn’t flinch anymore when she touched it. “Listen sweetie, what you went through, no one should have gone through. Hydra was awful. But you are getting better. It takes time. Ready to play?”

He slid off the couch and lay on the floor, suddenly bursting into tears. 

Ruth rubbed his back, waiting. This had been happening more and more. Emotions; blocked for so long, were bubbling up and spilling over.

Steve walked in and looked at her in question.”Is he okay?”

She nodded. “Oh yes. Just big feelings that he needs to process.”

Bucky stopped crying after a few minutes and came to her for cuddles. 

Ruth got his dolls out but he pushed them away. “Read?”

She got his new favourite book. Steve had written and designed it, and then gotten it professionally made into a board book so it could take plenty of use and abuse. 

“The Winter Soldier’s Best Friend.” She began. 

Steve had a way with words and the illustrations were incredible. 

Bucky was soon hugging Steve doll and making him do things. 

When the story was done, he got his soldier dolls and they talked about some of the abuse that Hydra caused.

Brock was paging through a magazine but couldn’t help hearing what was going on. 

Things he’d never been a part of were coming up. He shook his head. Pierce really did deserve to die. 

Ruth wiped Bucky’s chin. “Good work today, bud. You want some lunch?”

Bucky nodded eagerly. He sucked on one of his fingers then blew a raspberry. His mouth was uncomfortable today. 

Ruth warmed up soup and made sandwiches.

Brock ate an entire sandwich and a bowl of soup before settling back, satisfied.

Bucky was eating buttered bread with his soup. 

Ruth fed him his soup, and gave him little chunks of bread. She was thinking she’d have to teach him to eat on his own soon. When he was done she washed the butter off his face.

His thumb was in his mouth already and his eyelids drooped heavily. “Someone’s ready for a nap,” Steve said. “C’mon Bucky boy.” He hoisted him onto his hip. “When was he changed last?” 

Ruth thought a moment. “Awhile ago.”

He carried him to his bed, changed him quickly and then tucked him in with Teddy and his blanket. 

Bucky whined. “Milk!”

Steve sighed. He had hoped Bucky was tired enough not to miss his bottle.

He got a warm bottle and gave it to him before kissing his forehead. “Love you, Bucky.”

“Love, Steve,” he mumbled around the nipple already mostly asleep.

Brock resisted napping. “I’m not tired,” he insisted. 

“Don’t care,” Steve said. “Go lay down anyway.”

Grumbling about naps being for babies, he stomped off to bed. 

He lay down, trying to concentrate on making himself pee, but he dozed off before he could.

Steve and Ruth cuddled on the couch, talking about the boys.

Steve told her he thought he’d finally gotten through to Brock. Maybe. Hopefully.

Ruth smiled. “I hope so. I am having a really hard time pegging where he’s at.”

“Maybe...” Steve said very slowly, “Its because he’s not portraying any signs of abuse. I’m still not altogether convinced he’s really that messed up.”

Ruth’s brow furrowed in concern. “But. Why would he...oh. He’s here for Bucky?” She felt tears fill her eyes. “No. I won’t believe that! He’s needy.”

Steve let the subject go. “You’re probably right. I’m just paranoid.” 

“I can see why,” Ruth conceded. 

He gathered her into his arms and kissed her.

Their kiss was interrupted by a soft knock. Nat entered. “Hello?” She called quietly, aware that Bucky was probably sleeping.

Steve got up. “Hey. We’re in here.”

“Came to invite you guys to the party. Tony’s turning 40 tomorrow and Pepper’s having a private dinner slash avengers party tonight. Starts at 5.” 

“Thanks,” Steve smiled. “We’ll be there!”

She left to go talk to Clint and Bruce.

Ruth sighed. “Oh boy. This could get interesting. Brock will probably be in a mood and Bucky isn’t very stable. What’s our plan?”

Steve considered. “Maybe if we take Teddy and his blankie, Bucky will be okay. Brock, I’ll handle. He knows better than to push me too far.”

Ruth nodded. “Alright. Sounds like a plan.” She got things ready for Bucky. She puréed some spaghetti and meat sauce leftovers for his dinner. Applesauce was his favourite and was a staple of most of his meals. She made a bottle and tucked it in the bag as well. 

“I’m going to go get ready.”

Steve caught up to her, grasping her still slim waist with his hands. “Me too.” Stark parties were usually somewhat formal. 

Steve put a diaper on because he didn’t want to have a leak. Parties tended to be distracting. He put on his white button down,navy blue vest and dress pants . Ruth wore her sea green pantsuit.

Having to wake Bucky up from his nap was not easy. He whined and tried to roll over.

When Ruth tried to change him he shook his head and pushed her hands away. “No change!”

Steve caught him as he crawled out of bed. “You wanna go see Nat? Gotta change your bum.”

Bucky squirmed in Steve’s arms, resisting getting changed. “No No!!”

Brock was awake now with Bucky’s screaming and was rather disconcerted to realize he’d wet himself while sleeping. That hadn’t happened before. It scared him! Was he losing control? It was even scarier when he sensed the need to pee and suddenly he was wetting himself without much thought. 

Steve came to change him and he yelled, “Don’t touch me!” He was still half asleep, and not wanting to be pissing when Steve took his diaper off. 

His voice scared Bucky who flinched and began to cry. He clung to Steve, his wails turning to screams.

Steve rubbed Bucky’s back. “Hush baby boy. It’s okay. Brock, please lower your voice.”

Brock shook his head. “This is what happens when you baby a programmed asset. He’s turning into a fuckin’ brat!”

Steve ignored him. He handed Bucky his bear and comforted him until his wails turned to sniffles. He distracted Bucky while Ruth quickly changed his soggy diaper.

“There you go, baby. All done.” She gave Steve his dress pants and a nice shirt.

Brock was sullen again. Upset that Steve had “yelled” at him because he’d raised his voicea little. 

Ruth got nice clothes out for him. “We’re going to a birthday party. Let’s get dressed.” She grabbed a fresh diaper. 

“I wanna wear jeans,” he frowned. 

“Your good jeans need a wash.” She waited.

Steve looked up from putting Bucky’s socks on. “Brock, get dressed.”

Rumlow knew that he wouldn’t be treated as leniently for a temper tantrum as Bucky was. Totally not fair. “No!” He crossed his arms and pushed his lower lip out.

Ruth sighed. “My boy, why are you so difficult?”

He frowned at her. “Stop patronizing me!”

Steve finished with Bucky and then came towards Brock. “You have 5 seconds to start listening. 1-2-3-“

Brock angrily pulled his shirt off and threw it in the corner. His pants soon joined it. 

He stood there in his soggy diaper, arms crossed defiantly.

Steve pointed at the bed. “Lay down.” 

He did and lay still while Steve changed him. He was in a really bad mood now, wondering about what was happening to him!

Ruth held out his nice shirt. 

He hesitated but at Steve’s look he jammed his hands into the sleeves and buttoned it, then put his dress pants on.

“There you go. You look nice.” Ruth smiled.

“I don’t care,” he muttered. “Stark can go to....” he trailed off at Steve’s look.

Bucky lifted his foot to examine the new dress boots Steve had brought him. “Steve. Boots!”

Steve nodded. “They look good on you, Buck.” Bucky fingered the decorative silver chain across the shaft of the boot.

Steve looked at both. “I think we’re ready. Do you have Teddy?”

Bucky grabbed Teddy.

“He’s bringing his stupid bear?” Brock sneered.

“You stupid!” Bucky yelled.

Ruth quickly stepped in. “Teddy is beautiful. Come Bucky. Let’s go.”

Steve followed her with Brock. “You leave him alone,” he warned. “Bucky isn’t totally stable tonight.”

Rumlow bit back a grin. It would be so easy to get Steve’s goat tonight. It would distract him from the guilty, crappy things he was feeling. He didn’t care if Steve was going to “punish” him. He wasn’t feeling nice tonight.

They entered the common dining area and found it had been transformed into a party room. 

Balloons and streamers in black and silver decorated the walls and ceiling. Music played through massive speakers on one end of the room, the bass almost vibrating through the floor.

Bucky immediately dropped his bear and covered his ears, screaming shrilly. 

The DJ quickly turned the music down. 

Teddy’s ear went into Bucky’s mouth. The room was unfamiliar again and he stuck close to Steve.

Ruth patted Brock’s hand. “You can go play shuffleboard or pool.”

Tony was in fine form, probably somewhat relaxed from whiskey or rum already, telling jokes, dancing with the girls, being annoying as usual.

Pepper came to Ruth, giving her a big hug. “Haven’t seen you in forever! I’m glad you guys came! I know you’ve been busy.”

Ruth nodded. “These boys have kept me very busy. I feel like all I do is change diapers some days.”

Pepper chuckled. “I’ve heard it is time consuming. How is Bucky doing?”

“We’re making progress,” Ruth said. “He’s not in the greatest mood. We finally worked through his emotional block and he’s been difficult.”

Steve brought Bucky to her. “Can you keep him busy? He’s into things.” The guys were playing shuffleboard and Bucky kept trying to eat the powder. He’d climbed onto the table to get at the sliding discs. 

Teddy was in his hand, held pleadingly out towards Steve. “Steve,” his lip was quivering again. 

“What’s teddy doing?” She asked, to distract him.

He looked at the bear. “Go Steve!”

She patted his shoulder. “You’re okay with Ruth, baby.”

Bucky shook his head. He dropped to the floor and kicked his booted heels hard, screaming out his anger. His body was having big feelings that his brain couldn’t process. He couldn’t make sense of anything anymore. His anger turned to tears as he continued to kick. He didn’t want anyone close to him or touching him. 

He had everyone’s attention now. Thor offered to pick him up. Nat tried to talk to him. Everyone stared in concern which just made Bucky that much angrier.

Pepper pushed everyone back. “Just a meltdown, people. Let Steve and Ruth handle it.”

Steve used his firm voice. “Bucky. Bucky!”

Bucky’s screams turned to sobs before he heard Steve’s voice.

He reached for Steve frantically. 

Cap pulled the quivering 200 pound weeping super soldier into his arms. 

“There, there, my boy. Shhhh.” He stroked Bucky’s hair.

Bucky’s sobs turned to hiccups as he put his head on Steve’s shoulder and sucked his thumb.

Steve got to his feet, with Clint’s help. Bucky’s legs went around his waist and he wrapped his arm around him.

“I’ve got you,” Steve reassured him.

Clint brought him a chair. “Is he tired?”

Steve sat down and made sure Bucky was comfortable. “We’ve been working with him a lot and he’s going through stuff.”

Bruce studied the man-child in Steve’s lap. “If you want to talk, I’m always available.”

Steve smiled his thanks.

The catered dinner was ready to be served. The music was turned off and visiting resumed around the table. Ruth warmed up Bucky’s spaghetti. 

“Here baby. Ruth has food for you.”

He sat up a bit, thumb still in his mouth.

She wiped his chin with his damp bib. “Steve, can you turn him around? Otherwise you’re going to have spaghetti all over your shirt.”

Steve coaxed Bucky to turn around and sit on one knee. 

Brock was sitting on the other side of Steve. 

Ruth brought a plate of food for him and then sat down to feed Bucky. 

Nat brought her plate of food over and sat beside Ruth. “What are we eating tonight?” She eyed the puréed mush.

“Spaghetti,” Ruth answered, grinning at the redhead. 

She fed Bucky who eagerly opened his mouth for his food. “Yum!” He mumbled through his mouthful, sticking a finger in his mouth. 

Spaghetti sauce dropped down his chin onto the bib. “Bucky, take your fingers out,” Nat chuckled, pulling his hand away. She wiped his fingers clean. 

Ruth gave him some more. “Oh I did not think of how messy this would be!!”

Brock scowled at Steve when he offered him a spoon of rice. “Don’t want that!”

“You’re going to eat,” Steve said firmly. 

Brock opened his mouth for the rice. 

He drank down his entire cup of iced tea before Steve gave him another spoonful. 

Bucky finished his spaghetti and ate his applesauce. 

When he was done, Pepper took him to the living room to watch tv. 

Brock suddenly grabbed his crotch. “I gotta go!” He whispered urgently. He was determined to make it this time. 

Steve got him up. “Quick!” 

To his dismay, he was wet before they made it to the bathroom. Steve took him in and pulled his pants down. “You’re wet. How’d that happen?”

“I don’t know how!” He yelled in frustration. “It just comes out!” 

“Relax,” Steve admonished. “That’s what training is all about.” 

He wanted to yell, ‘you don’t understand’ but he couldn’t. 

Was his bladder getting weak because he was pissing the diapers? 

Steve changed him and sent him back out to finish eating. 

Brock sat down and quietly resumed eating. 

Ruth asked if he was okay. He shrugged. She pulled him in for a hug. 

He relaxed against her full breasts, feeling a slight stirring of arousal. He wished she would look at him as a man. 

Bucky came back with Pepper andreached for Ruth. “Milk!” 

She patted Brock’sarm. “Sorry love. I need to attend to Bucky.” 

Brock felt a zinging stab of jealousy. Not fair!!

Finding Bucky’s bottle in the diaper bag, she started to get up to warm it up but he immediately uttered a distressed cry and hung onto her. “Mama stay!”

Tony immediately took the bottle. “How long?” 

“Twenty seconds,” she answered. “Thanks.”

She studied Bucky wondering where he was at. He looked a little flushed. She got his blanket out of the bag and took the bottle from Tony.

Bucky put the bottle in his mouth, his eyes closing. He snuggled against Ruth’s chest. 

She hummed softly to him, rubbing his back. Her sweet baby. She knew in a few weeks they would have to tell him about the baby.She had no idea how he’d react. 

Steve reappeared after changing, looking at Brock’s black scowl in confusion. “What’s got your panties in a twist?” 

“Bucky always gets what he wants.” Brock snarled.

Steve quirked an eyebrow. “No. He gets what he needs. Just like you.”

Brock didn’t agree. He needed more than to wear diapers and be a mental case! What he wanted, was Ruth Haring. 


	15. Healing Factor Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes flogging and other submission tactics directed from Steve to Brock. It’s darker than my usual stuff. Consider yourselves warned

Brock Rumlow didn’t like being ignored. Especially by his superiors. He threw several glances at Steve, sitting there now with Bucky in his lap, letting him act like a frickin baby.

He was sucking his thumb and cuddling into Steve’s neck. He could get away with anything.

Brock stomped a booted foot on the floor, frustrated.

Ruth came to him. “What’s wrong, baby?”

Baby he wasn’t. To prove that point, he looked up at Ruth. Her eyes were warm and caring. Her lips were parted in a soft sympathetic smile. 

“Why can Bucky do whatever the hell he wants?” He asked softly. 

Brock wasn’t even allowed to raise his voice with him because “oh no, don’t scare Bucky, he’s been through so much”.

Ruth put a hand on his shoulder and he lay his hand over it. Her hand felt so small and fragile. 

“Bucky processes things a lot differently than you do,” she answered. “I’m sorry it seems so unfair.”

Brock saw Steve watching him and made a face at him then flipped him off because he could.

Steve didn’t look happy.

Brock gave him a smug look. Steve couldn’t do anything with Bucky clinging to him like a leech.

Steve gave him a warning frown.

Ruth took her hand back and he almost whined at the loss of contact. 

He turned his best puppy dog eyes on her. “It’s not fair!”

“I know. We’ll work on it,” she reassured him.

Steve wondered what Brock was up to now. There was something about his attitude that bothered Steve. He had caught the look Brock gave Ruth. 

She moved over towards the group of women then. 

Brock got up and followed Ruth, brushing her back with his hand. He gently grasped her hand. “Thanks for understanding.”

Steve’s ire was rising. Why was he touching her? Ruth was not going to be a pawn in whatever dangerous little game he was playing. She wasn’t even in the equation. Jealousy burned in his belly making him unable to think clearly.He followed every move Brock made until Bucky touched his cheek. “Daddy.”

Steve swallowed hard, turning his attention away from what was going on. “Yes, sweetheart?” 

Ruth looked up at Brock with a question on her face when she felt his hand pause on her waist. She was confused by the warm, inviting look in his eyes; a little discomfited. It reminded her that he was an adult male and not a child. Far from a child. She sensed that he was silently asking for something she would never give him.

There was also something going on between him and Steve. She hadn’t missed the strained glances. The never ending battle for dominance coupled with her woman’s intuition that told her Brock saw her as more than a caregiver was making her paranoid. 

She moved away from him a bit further and felt his hand brush her waist again. She ignored it and stood between Pepper and Nat.

Steve patted Bucky’s back. “Can you sit on your own now? I need to take care of Brock.”

Bucky looked at him, blue eyes wide. “Come back?”

“I’ll be back,” Steve promised.

Thor smiled. “You want to sit with me?”

Bucky liked the Asgardian demi god. He nodded and Thor pulled him onto his lap, rubbing his back.

Bucky settled against him, clutching Teddy and still sucking his thumb.

Steve’s mouth settled into a thin line. He got up, jealousy colouring his emotions.

Brock watched him, his face a little smug, and waited to see if Steve would discipline him. 

Steve strode across the room and grabbed Rumlow’s shoulder. “Come with me.” They walked towards the circle of sofas. “You touch her again and you won’t be able to sit for a week,” he said roughly into his ear.

Brock went stiff at the threat. “Yeah?” His voice wasn’t at all submissive. It carried a challenge.

Steve studied his face for a minute. “Yeah! I’ve had enough.” His voice wasn’t loud but it carried an undercurrent of rage. 

Brock inwardly patted himself on the back. “That didn’t take much,” he smirked. Was Steve actually gonna do anything about his behaviour? So far the slap on the wrist treatments he’d gotten were laughable. Brock Rumlow wasn’t that easily intimidated. Steve thought he was in control but this was Brock’s show now!

Steve put an iron grip on his wrist. He was struggling to maintain his temper. 

Brock resisted but a firm pull on his arm made sure he followed Steve to the couches where the men were sitting and trying to outdo each other with outrageous stories.

Steve sat down and pulled Brock onto his lap firmly. “Sit still.”

Brock sat still, aware of the looks he was getting, and planning his next move. He could tell Steve was mad now. 

Steve’s arm was around his waist, effectively pinning him down. He tried to squirm a little, just to push the boundaries.

Steve’s arm tightened. “You’re not going anywhere, buddy.”

He felt a twinge when Steve pushed on his abs. Out of spite, he let his bladder empty, soaking his diaper. 

Steve felt it and curbed his ire. He was pretty sure Brock had done it on purpose. He’d felt his abs tighten. He had to take the reins back. He waited a few minutes. 

Brock squirmed a little. He wanted to go do something. 

“Are you wet, baby?” Steve asked, loudly enough that others could hear. 

He scowled. Before he could answer however, Steve continued, “Brock is wet. I’ll go change him.” This was said to the room at large. 

Brock hung his head, his own temper flaming to life, as he followed Steve to the bathroom. 

While Steve was changing him, he said, “Ruth is strictly no hands on. Got it?”

He shrugged a little. 

“Answer me!” Steve commanded. 

“Fine,” Brock conceded. 

Steve shook his head. “I don’t get you.”

He grinned. Steve still hadn’t really figured him out. 

They went back to the circle of men and Brock found himself on Steve’s lap again. He wondered what Steve would do if he would start pulling Bucky’s shit. He had no desire to be babied. He was going to make Steve’s life miserable unless he could prove himself. 

Steve’s grip had loosened considerably as he visited and laughed with his buddies.

Brock estimated the distance to the door and after a few heart hammering seconds, he tore out of Steve’s grasp and tried to run for the door.

He only got about five feet before being tackled by not one but four avengers. One of whom was Steve, who looked thoroughly pissed now.

Steve rapped his knuckles against his head. “Stop! Behave yourself.” The words weren’t loud but Rumlow got the message.

He sat quietly after that, very aware of the pitying eyes on him.

He kept his eyes on his hands. He’d wanted to test Steve’s mettle. See if he’d really put something behind the threat to dominate him. The grip around his belly was tight. He was most definitely dominating. Brock had no choice but to submit. At least at the moment.

Bucky yawned and tried to nuzzle into Thor’s neck.

“Looks like someone’s ready for bed,” Loki remarked.

Steve patted Brock’s hip. “Get up.”

He got up and Steve did too. “Ruth, I think we better get Bucky to bed. He’s gonna fall asleep.”

Ruth came over, diaper bag over her shoulder. “It’s past his bedtime.”

Steve pulled Bucky to his feet. They said their good byes and headed out of the common room.

“C’mon baby. Let’s get you to bed.” Steve put an arm around Bucky’s shoulders.

“Yeah baby,” Brock whispered mockingly, angry at Steve’s show of dominance in public. “Run to mama, Baby.” 

Steve’s eyes flashed fire. “Watch it,” he warned.

Brock’s temper was already lit. “Or what?! You’re so busy babying the fuckin soldier you don’t have time to torture me!” 

Steve gave Ruth a look, then strode towards Brock.

Ruth followed with Bucky. Brock had been asking for this pretty much all day. He was a stubborn man!

Brock started running. He heard Steve just before he was tackled. He fell hard, almost getting the wind knocked out of him, and tried to struggle out of the tight grip.

Without a word, Steve slung him over one shoulder and strode the remaining distance to their apartment.

Brock struggled but Steve had effectively immobilized him.

Without a word, he deposited Rumlow heavily into a kitchen chair and stood in front of him. “You want to see me get my hackles up? Is that what all this is about? Fine. You got it. What’s it gonna take Rumlow? You want me to strap you black and blue like Hydra did? Is that what it’s gonna take to make you submit? Because I’m capable.” His voice had gone deadly quiet.

Brock studied the rock hard face above him. The blue eyes snapped like fire.

Maybe he’d crossed a line. He was just tired of being here. Tired of being made to play this stupid role. It would take forever to get Bucky to a functional stage. He didn’t take things lying down. He’d had beatings in the past that left him bleeding in a lonely cell for hours until someone came to look after him. Hydra didn’t mess around with discipline and punishment. 

“Answer me!” Steve commanded. His tone was louder and angrier than Brock had ever heard it.

“I don’t know, sir,” he said, still with a slight sass to his tone. “I hadn’t thought further than annoying you. I didn’t think you had the guts to make me submit.”

Steve’s jaw went rock hard and little angry points of colour stained his cheeks. “Oh. I’ve got the guts. My question is why.” 

“Stay put,” he growled when Ruth came in with Bucky.

Ruth sensed the tension immediately. She didn’t ask what was going on. She didn’t need to. Steve had reached the end of his patience. If Brock didn’t give in to Steve’s leadership tonight, he would go to Fury.

“I’ll get Bucky ready for bed.” She broke the awkward silence then disappeared with Bucky down the hall.

“Brock and I will be back in a few minutes,” he called, his voice belying the fury rising in his eyes.

“Okay,” Ruth called back.

Rumlow had no choice but to follow Steve outside of their apartment. The tight grip on his arm said he’d better not struggle. He was starting to feel the first tingles of fearful anticipation. He’d never been beaten by a super soldier.

He was acquainted with pain. He could handle a good amount. But he still hated floggings. Pierce had flogged him several times. His back and chest had the scars to prove it. 

Steve took him to an empty work out room and firmly shut the door. “I’ve had it, Brock. You wanna tell me what’s with your shitty attitude? You’re still trying to dominate. What’s it gonna take?”

Steve had him pinpointed there. Pierce had said almost the exact same thing at the beginning. He was a dominant male. Submission wasn’t easy for him.

“That’s why Iwas.......commander and Bucky was the asset,” he said, almost blowing his cover. 

Steve looked at him for a long minute. “You dominated Bucky. He didn’t need it. What are you really here for?”

Brock looked at him, trying not to let his face tell a story he didn’t want to spill. “You know why,” he said. 

Steve snorted. “Yeah.”

He led him to a chin up bar. “Drop your pants and put your hands up.” His voice was low and carefully controlled. 

Brock paused only a second and then fumbled for the button on his jeans. His pants slid to his ankles. 

“Diaper off,” Steve said, voice still soft but firm.

Rumlow sighed and dropped the dry diaper then put his hands around the bar.

Steve tried his wrists with a piece of rope around the bar so he would stay put. The submissive position was all too familiar. This made him think of Hydra punishments and once again images of Bucky being flogged.They had used whips on him. 

Naked punishment was never Brock’s cup of tea. It was bad enough to get beat with your clothes on. Getting it with your pants around your ankles was a whole different kind of discipline. 

He heard the unmistakable swish of a belt coming out of belt loops. No hands this time. Steve was using his belt. This time it wasn’t just gonna sting.

The first crack hit across the back of his thighs and he winced. Yep. It hurt. The leather bit into his flesh enough that it was a lasting sting. A second lash increased the pain. He was strong though. Hell, Pierce had beat him with a whip before. That was after Bucky had escaped. Made him wet himself with the pain. He didn’t think Steve had that level of torture in him. The third one made him pull in his breath sharply. Maybe he did. Steve’s hands were a lot stronger than Pierce’s. The belt hit with a driving force.

The belt fell with regularity across his ass cheeks and thighs about fifteen times before there was a pause.

“You will not touch Ruth again,” Steve said sharply.

Brock nodded. His bottom was hot and aching with pain.

Two more lashes fell across his already bruising skin. “Say it!” Steve demanded. 

Rumlow ground his teeth stubbornly.If he even had a chance with Ruth... then he remembered she was pregnant. “I won’t touch her again,” he hissed out. 

“You will listen to my orders from now on,” Steve continued. 

Brock hesitated. He didn’t like taking orders. Especially from Steven Rogers. Captain America.Hell, he didn’t even like taking orders from Pierce! 

Pierce knew that too. Brock knew that insubordination was going to end badly. Steve hadn’t proven that to him yet and dammit, he was just stubborn enough to demand proof. 

Two more hard lashes made him bite his lip. “Yes sir.”

Steve wasn’t playing around. He was mad. 

Somewhere inside, Brock’s iron will reared it’s head again. He wouldn’t be broken that easily. Pierce had only broken him after four days. 

Two more heavy lashes fell and he groaned a little, feeling his legs shake. 

Steve was stronger than he had figured. The position he was in wasn’t helping either. He spread his legs a little farther to hold his weight.

“You will submit to SHIELD and to me.” Steve’s voice was hard.

“No.” The word was out before he could bite it back. Shit. He braced himself. 

Four heavy lashes came across his ass making it feel like fire. The bruises were raw and painful.

“You will submit !” Steve said again, his voice laced withanger.

Brock still resisted. He hated that word. Submit. If Steve had to beat him to prove a point then, whatever. 

At his hesitance The belt fell two more times. “Tell me why you’re really here.” Steve growled out when it was apparent Brock wasn’t going to break yet. 

Rumlow breathed through the tears that ran down his cheeks despite his desire to staunch them. He pulled at his wrists, bruising the tender flesh. “I can’t!” He shouted. “They’ll kill me!”

The belt stopped.“So you’re not here because you want help?” Steve’s voice suddenly sounded drained. 

Brock was kicking himself hard! He’d have to talk fast! “I don’t want help. I need help!” He pleaded.

Steve looked at him a long while. Finally repeated his order again.

Brock sniffed loudly. “Submission sucks!”

Steve shook his head. The man was a beast for punishment. He let four more lashes fall in quick succession that made Brock’s legs give out. He cried in pain as his wrists jerked with his full weight. 

“Yes sir,” he ground out, finally. “I will submit. To you and to SHIELD.” 

Steve tossed the belt aside and untied his captive, catching him as he fell.

Steve lay him on a mat and then walked away for a moment to calm his adrenaline. He’d have some major explaining to do to Ruth! He’d marked the former Hydra agent pretty badly.

Brock lay on the floor, his ass and thighs a bright angry red and bluish purple where the bruising was starting to show.

Steve silently put his diaper on again and helped him up. 

Steve gave him his pants and waited until he could stand on his own before helping him get dressed. Then they silently walked back to the apartment again.

Ruth looked up from her cup of tea, noted Brock’s somber face and the way he walked gingerly.

She looked at Steve for an explanation.

“We have an understanding.” Steve said shortly as he took Brock’s elbow. “Let’s get you ready for bed.”

Brock nodded. “Yes Sir.”

The next morning Ruth sat up in bed, heart pounding. She hadn’t slept well. Steve had hardly said a word last night. She had had a horrendous nightmare that was putting her paranoia on red alert. She hadn’t dreamt of her grandfather for years. Why last night? It was probably because Steve’s short explanation had given her anxiety.He’d simply said, “I had to spank him.”

Steve wasn’t in bed any longer.

Slipping on her robe, she went to the kitchen. Steve had left a note saying he was meeting with Fury. A fresh stab of anxiety went through her causing a wave of nausea. She wished they’d had a chance to talk about last nights events more. She started coffee, rubbing her belly gently. 

Brock shuffled into the kitchen slowly, yawning.Oh was he sore! He wasn’t gonna be sitting much today. He looked around for Stevebut he wasn’t there. “Morning Ruth.”

“Good morning sweetie,” she smiled. “Did you sleep well?”

He shrugged. “Sorta.”

“Do you need a change?” She asked, getting up.

“I don’t know, ma’am,” he said softly. “I can’t tell.”

She frowned a little. Holy hell!! Her mind didn’t usually swear but....where was sassy Brock? She didn’t voice her thoughts. Just guided him to the bathroom.

When she pulled his pajama pants down, she gasped. Angry blue and purple bruising and welts covered the back of his thighs. Tumultuous panic flew through her, and no thoughts came.She had to calm her breathing!! 

Brock glanced at her then looked away. “I was bad. I deserved it.”

Tears stung her eyes and fell. “No, honey. I don’t care what Hydra told you. No one deserves a beating.” How could Steve inflict this?? Plagued by memories of a grandfather that had inflicted so much pain on his children, she made a snap decision. 

“Lets Get you changed. No pull-up today,” she said. “We’re going on a little road trip.”

Brock looked at her, trying to figure out what was going on. “Where are we going?”

Panic spurred her on and she didn’t even hear him. She’d thought Steve was different.

Memories pounded at her but she pushed them away enough to frantically throw clothing and things into a bag. There was no way she was leaving these precious babies with him any longer. She couldn’t. 

She changed Brock into another diaper and put some soft sweats and a t shirt on him. He was looking at her in confusion, not understanding at all.

What the hell was she doing?? 

She kissed his forehead and then told him she had to get ready. He smiled a little. Steve had just managed what he couldn’t do! He almost laughed but didn’t. 

She threw on the first clothes she found, quickly packed a small suitcase with diapers, a few changes of clothes, then made several bottles for Bucky, and woke him.

“Wanna go bye bye?” She asked, too brightly, but he didn’t notice since he was barely awake.

She changed him, grabbed Teddy and his blankie and then left the apartment by the outside entrance, straight onto the parkade where her car was parked.

She put both boys in the back seat, gave Bucky a bottle and Brock a juice box and a muffin. She tossed the suitcase in the trunk and drove away.She was going to throw up! The panic was making her sensitive stomach roil.

Steve and Nick had talked about Brock until Steve felt better. 

He’d hardly slept, wondering if he’d handled it right. Nick didn’t encourage the beating at all, but he understood Steve’s frustration with Rumlow. And with some people, it’s what it took. He was also very concerned that Rumlow still seemed to align himself with hydra. He was a snake in the grass! 

“I’ll come and collect him, and get him settled into our facility,” Nick said, walking to the apartment with Steve.

Steve paused, his sensitive nose picking up the scent of burnt coffee. His gut burned with immediate warning panic. Ruth never left the coffee maker on.

He burst into the apartment, with Fury hot on his heels.

His stomach dropped to his shoes because he knew immediately she wasn’t there. All of Bucky’s bottles were gone, his formula. The kitchen was unusually messy. Cupboard doors weren’t closed as if someone had been frantically packing....

Steve uttered a groan of anguish. “Oh god, she took them and left.” He sank onto a chair. His brain wasn’t capable of this stress!! His baby!He groaned again. 

Nick turned off the coffee maker. “Where would she go?”

Truthfully, Steve had no idea.He couldn’t think. “I’m not sure,” he choked out around the golf ball of emotions lodged in his throat. 

He slowly walked to the boys’ bedroom, wishing Bucky was there but knowing he wouldn’t be. Ruth was very protective of Bucky.

Nick watched Steve. “There’s gotta be a way of contacting her.”

Steve dialled her number and waited. It rang seven times without an answer. “She’s either not near her phone, or she’s not talking to me.” 

He sank onto the couch, dejected. “Please tell me there is some way I can fix this.” Tears glistened in his eyes. “I need my Bucky and my baby.”

Fury tented his fingers. “Pregnant women are irrational at times. I’m no psychiatrist though, Cap. Sorry.”

“I just need some time,” he choked out, dissolving into tears. Ruth meant more to him than he wanted to admit. The thought of losing her made him wish he had never come out of the ice.

Nick silently left the apartment, and strode towards the common room. He ran into Nat and Clint, talking.

“You’re here early,” Natasha said.

Nick nodded. “Cap needed me.”

“What’s going on?” Natasha asked.

“That’s Steve’s story to tell,” he said cryptically and walked away.

Nat looked at Clint. Without a spoken word they both agreed to find out what was going on.

***********

Ruth was keeping an eye on the boys. Bucky was dozing on and off. Brock was relaxed now.

She was headed home. Not to Brooklyn, but to the small Indiana town where she grew up. Spurgeon was a tiny place of just over 200 people. It was somewhere that she could go to think. Her stomach was settling now. 

She’d been travelling about two hours when Bucky woke more fully, having finished his bottle. “Where Steve?” He asked.

She ignored his question for the moment. “Do you guys want to stop and get a bite to eat?” She pulled into a fast food joint and parked. She needed food! 

Her phone rang and she jumped. It was Steve. Again. She silenced the ringer and put it in her purse. She wasn’t ready to talk to him just yet.

She got the boys out and grabbed the diaper bag. “Are you stinky, Bucky? Somebody smells funny.”

He grinned at her. “Stinky.”

Brock followed her silently.He’d had an accident too. They went into the family washroom and Ruth was glad to see there was a padded bench to change Bucky on. She changed his messy diaper then asked Brock if he needed changing.

He nodded. 

She tried not to blame Steve but it was hard not to. Would Brock have lasting trauma from this? She knew he’d worked for Hydra but in her mind he was still just a hurting boy. 

He lay quiet while she gently cleaned him and put a fresh diaper on him. After washing up, she asked if they were hungry.

Bucky had a smoothie which he immediately took a big mouthful of and gave himself brain freeze.

Brock giggled at Bucky’s face.

Bucky scowled at him. 

“Slowly,” Ruth instructed. She sipped her milk and slowly ate her toast. feeding Bucky bits of toast. Brock ate toast as well.

Once they were all satisfied, Ruth put them back in the car.

“Where going?” Bucky asked.

“To my old house,” she smiled, making sure his seat belt was snug.

After two more hours of driving, the boys were starting to argue.

First they argued about who was the better assassin. Then they argued over why they were going on a road trip. And where they were going.

Then Bucky tried to hit Brock but Brock ducked making Bucky mad. Bucky smacked him with his left hand which made Brock howl. 

Brock grabbed Bucky’s blanket from the seat between them. “Stop hitting you moron!”

“Mine!” Bucky screeched, reaching for it.

Brock held it out of reach. “You wanna have it?”

“Mine!” Bucky insisted, again.

Ruth sensed a meltdown coming on. “Brock, please give him his blanket,” she said, forcing her voice to be quiet but firm.

“He hit me!” Brock yelled.

“Brock!” Ruth was getting impatient. 

He threw it at Bucky. “Fine. Baby!”

“Not a baby!” Bucky yelled, pounding his left fist on the seat. “Commander stupid!”

“You’re stupid! Can’t even talk properly!” Rumlow sneered.

Ruth’s frayed nerves wouldn’t take too much more today. She had to find somewhere for a quick break. Six more hours in the car wasn’t going to do anyone any favours. If Bucky melted here he could destroy things. She saw a park and pulled in on impulse. “Let’s get out and stretch for a bit.”

The boys got out, stretching and looking around. They were the only ones besides a few dog walkers.

Ruth pulled a blanket from the trunk that she kept there for permanently for picnics and such, and spread it on the grass.

The boys both lay down on it and she sat on the edge. Once again, her pregnant hormones were raging and she was fighting not to cry. 

She’d done the right thing! Right? 

Bucky was on his stomach, his diaper showing a little over the waistband of his sweats. He was running his flesh fingers through the lush grass beside the blanket.

“Mama, grass!” He grinned at her. 

“Yes darling,” she said absently, looking at the long list of messages from Steve. 

Brock was also on his stomach. He examined a blade of grass, attempting to make a grass whistle.

Ruth took a few deep breaths, stilling her panic and anxiety. The sun was warm, the boys were safe. She was doing the right thing. She had to believe that. 

Bucky pointed at the grass in Brock’s hand. “What doing?”

Brock took a deep breath and patiently showed him.

“If you get the right shape and length of grass, you can make a whistle out of it.” He showed him how to hold the blade of grass.

Ruth smiled as she watched him try to help Bucky make it whistle. 

She ignored the numerous apologies from Steve, and him begging her to call him back. There was a few from Nat asking what was happening. One from Pepper asking if she was ok.

She chose to text Pepper. Even though she wanted to pour out her heart, she kept it short. Reassured her they were safe, that she had the boys and that she needed time to think.

Bucky finally gave up because his metal thumb wouldn’t cooperate. He rolled over, his belly showing between his t shirt and sweats as he stretched again. “Ruth, hungry.”

Brock rolled over towards her. “Is Steve texting?” His lip curled slightly in disgust. 

Ruth shrugged. 

He sat up close to her and put his hand on Ruth’s knee. “I can protect you from Steve, you know.”

Ruth looked at him, seeing again the look of interest and an almost proprietary glance.

For one moment, an intrusive thought crossed her mind as to what Brock Rumlow would be like as a father. The answer frightened her.

“It’s lunch time!” Ruth decided.

It was actually past lunch. Their routine was way off. She put them back in the car and they found a restaurant that wasn’t busy.

Lunch was a quick bowl of soup since Bucky could eat that too.

Ruth fed him, changed him again in the bathroom, and then put the boys back in the car.

She gave Bucky a bottle of milk. 

Brock climbed into the front seat, startling Ruth a little. 

“You’re a psychiatrist, right?” He asked. 

She nodded. 

“I have some questions.”

Ruth tried her best to put on an objective mindset. She checked on Bucky in the backseat. 

He was fast asleep. She had nothing to distract her from the disturbing man next to her.

********************

Steve was frantic. He’d almost worn a hole in the floor from his pacing when Pepper showed up. She took one look at his face and pointed to a chair.

“Sit down and tell me what happened.”

Steve swallowed hard, and couldn’t meet her eyes as he launched into the details of the night before. “I was going to talk to her this morning after I’d talked to Nick. She was gone when I got back.”

Pepper chose her words carefully. “She’s like a mother to those boys and she gets protective. Being pregnant probably multiplied that feeling for her. She didn’t understand why you did what you did.”

“I know.” Steve buried his face in his hands. He’d let his temper out last night. If he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have strapped Brock that hard. The anger had fuelled his strength. “I don’t really understand why I did it,” he mumbled. “I thought I knew but I was angry.”

“You never dealt with your anger towards Hydra and especially Brock Rumlow, for what they did to Bucky.” Her words hung between them, nakedly honest.

Steve nodded slightly, his shoulders starting to shake with sobs that he tried to keep in. 

“She’s safe, Steve. She texted me.”

His head came up. “She did?” He asked, feeling painful jealousy knife through his stomach. “How long will she be safe? Rumlow isn’t trustworthy!”

Pepper nodded. “I know. We’re trying to track her. You need to give her some time.”

Steve nodded and took a deep breath. “Alright. I will. You got anything I can do to keep busy? Sitting here thinking about her and him and what he might be doing to my baby is hard.”

Pepper smiled. “Let’s go find something for you to do.”

********************

Bucky slept for three hours and Brock even dozed a little after asking some deeply personal questions that Ruth didn’t want to answer. He asked why she’d run away from Steve and why she had pretty much kidnapped them. He also asked if she had a history with abuse. 

He told her about some of the things Hydra had him do and about the kind of punishment Pierce would hand out. It made her realize that the strapping Steve had given him wasn’t really that bad.

Ruth was eager to get to Spurgeon. Three more hours of driving! She knew she would have to change both boys again, though. It was getting close to dinner time as well. 

 

She stopped the car and lay Bucky on the back seat to change him first. 

He giggled when he peed as soon as the cool air hit him.

Ruth chuckled. “You’re a stinker.”

Brock shook his head. “He’s a pain,” but it was said with a bit of humour. 

When Brock was getting changed, he gently scratched his balls, watching her face carefully. She glanced at him. His eyes were dark and inviting. He mouthed “later” then moved his hand so she could diaper him. 

She felt suddenly very violated. Would he force himself on her? Surely not....he was an abused person. He needed help!Maybe she was just imagining things. It had been a very long day already.

“Hungry,” Bucky said, as if reading her mind. “Want toast.”

Brock suddenly turned charming and sweet, almost child like. “And oatmeal.”

She forced out a laugh. “Breakfast for supper?”

They both nodded.

She tried to think. Surely somewhere..... After perusing the Internet she did indeed find an all day breakfast place. She needed to get her mind off of Brock. 

She fed Bucky his porridge and toast. When they were full, she told them they had three more hours of driving.

The boys were full of energy and in no mood for more time in the car.

Both boys groaned. “I’m tired of driving,” Brock complained.

“Me too,” Bucky chimed in.

Ruth buckled him in. “I know. But we need to finish our trip.”

“Steve there?” Bucky asked.

“No dimwit,” Brock answered. “Ruth is running away because Steve hurt me.”

Bucky looked confused as he tried to process that information. “How?” He asked finally.

Brock pulled down one side of his sweats enough for Bucky to see some of the bruises.

Bucky’s eyes grew wide. “No! Not Steve! Hydra do it!”

Brock looked at him. “I know they do it too. But not this time.”

Bucky shook his head wildly, his long hair fanning out. 

Brock fell silent and leaned back. He didn’t know what he was feeling now. He had a feeling he’d crossed a line with Ruth earlier. He needed to step back. 

He respected Steve for having the balls to strap him like he had. He’d actually earned his respect. Ruth’s reaction, however,was unusual. 

He had never been protected before. Ever. It was always Brock against the world. He didn’t know how to function as someone being cared for! He side eyed Bucky, sucking on his bear’s ear and looking out the window. He couldn’t act like Bucky. It was time though for the next treatment. He reached under his watch and pushed a small button. 

 

Ruth drove on, her mind in a flurry. She was so confused!! Where was Steve? She had checked her phone several times but there had been no further messages. She wondered if he cared so little? Was he angry with her? She felt guilty and then sad and upset. 

Her anger flared up again as she imagined the force he must have used to leave the bruises he had. She had done the right thing, taking the boys. She knew Bucky would have been totally safe with Steve. But she couldn’t stand the thought of leaving him. He was her baby.

Suddenly Bucky whimpered, holding his head. “Ow ow ow!!” 

She looked in the mirror. Bucky was having a headache again! They really needed to get him to see the doctor!! 

“Are you okay, Baby?”

He sucked his thumb, closing his eyes. He was tired again.

Brock was sitting quiet beside him. 

Thoughts tumbled around and around in her head. She just wanted to get home!

When her dad had passed away, he had left her the house. She hadn’t been back for a few years now. She knew the neighbour looked after the grounds and twice a year a lady dusted and cleaned for her.

Finally the sign for Spurgeon loomed in the dusk. Bucky had been whining again for the last hour and she’d been ignoring him.

Brock was growling at Bucky to be quiet. Ruth had been ignoring him too.

The familiar street brought tears to her eyes. The day weighed so heavily on her. She pulled her car into the single car garage and got out, letting the boys out. They walked the fifteen yards to the squat brown bungalow style house.

Bucky looked around. “This Ruth house?”

“Yes,” She said shakily through the emotion that bubbled up inside of her and leaked out of her eyes. She was beyond tired.

She flipped on lights, glad to see that Margita, the neighbours’ daughter had cleaned recently. Everything smelled of soap and furniture polish.

“Take your shoes off,” she said wearily. 

Bucky was still whining. “Ruth, change.”

She realized suddenly he’d probably been sitting in his mess for the last two hours. “Oh baby, I’m sorry,” she said. “I’ll give you a bath.” They’d finally gotten to a point where a bath wasn’t a huge fight every time.

“I need a change too,” Brock pouted. 

“Okay,” She said. She ran a bath in both the main and master bathrooms.

She cleaned Bucky and put him in the tub, giving him some plastic cups to play with. “I’ll be right back.” She kissed his forehead and went to get Brock in the other tub.

When she undressed him, he brushed her breast. “Will you be my mama too?”

Ruth pushed his hand away. “I’ll be your caregiver.”

“Really?” He asked, stroking himself a little. “You’re my protector, right?”

She sighed. “Yes. Of the abused little boy in you that needs help. That’s who I’m here for.”

He blushed and got into the tub without another word.

She went back to Bucky who was spilling water on the floor. “Oh Bucky,” She said wearily. “No, no.”

He looked up at her. “Where Steve?”

Her stomach clenched. “He’s at home, baby.” She started washing his hair.

“He come?” He asked, spilling more water on the floor. 

“Not today, darling,” she said. 

Brock was done his bath, and standing completely nude in front of the mirror examining his backside. He turned when Ruth came in. He was rock hard. 

Ruth looked away. “Did you go pee?”

He frowned. “I’m not a baby, Ruth. I’m a grown ass man. As you can see.”

Ruth quirked an eyebrow. “Do you need to be potty trained? Or was that a lie?”

She tossed him a pull-up. “I have to go check on Bucky.”

Brock blushed. “Sorry.”

Bucky had made a huge mess. 

She realized suddenly in the three months or so that she’d known Bucky, that she’d never seen him get an erection even during a diaper change. 

She helped him up and dried him off, realizing very quickly how strong he was when he accidentally ripped the towel out of her hand with his left arm. Usually Steve helped her with Bucky...

“Let’s get your diaper on.”

He lay down and she put the diaper on and pulled a t shirt over his damp hair. He awkwardly put his arms in and she helped him straighten the shirt. “Good boy.”

Bucky plopped into the recliner, eyes on the tv.

Brock was sitting on the couch in his pull-up, absently stroking himself over top of it. 

She went into the kitchen to make tea. 

It hit her like a load of bricks. What had she done??? She’d kidnapped (in a sense) an unstable, incontinent, almost non-verbal, nightmare prone super soldier and a former (she hoped!!) Hydra Agent who, it seemed,was rather attracted to her, and had taken them to the middle of nowhere!

She was not going to start giggling hysterically although she could feel it wanting to escape. What was she going to do if Brock decided to take advantage of her? He was much stronger than she was. Had she endangered not only herself but her unborn baby as well?

Ruth sat down to think with her cup of tea. She had to get her thoughts together.

Maybe.......just maybe.....she had overreacted a little bit this morning. Maybe.

She sipped her tea. But the bruises were proof that Steve had been angry..... and no one deserved a beating in anger.

When her tea was done, Ruth was no closer to an answer. 

It was bedtime.

She told Brock it was time for a night diaper and his pjs. He looked at her, his eyes half closed. He had one hand inside his pull-up.

She ignored it. “Bucky, come with Ruth. Let’s go put you to bed.”

He got up and followed her, already reaching for his bottle that she was carrying.

She tucked him into the queen sized bed in the master bedroom and handed it to him. “I’m going to sleep here with you. Okay?”

He nodded, too busy drinking his milk to say anything.

She slowly walked back hoping Brock was done playing with himself.

His heavy breathing suggested he was. She heard him grunt a little.

She went to the living room but could see it was too late for the toilet. “You waited to long,” she scolded gently.

“I was....busy.” He defended himself.

She didn’t reply. Just took him to the other bedroom, put his night diaper and pjs on and tucked him in.

She locked up and crawled into bed beside Bucky who was already snoring. Her body was screaming for rest but she didn’t know if she’d actually sleep.

Brock felt so confused. He liked Ruth but it felt like she was sending mixed messages. He didn’t know what was going on with his body either. His bladder was being untrustworthy. What would happen when he was done with this mission?? It scared him a little that he didn’t have answers.


	16. Healing Factor Chapter 4

Two days passed during which Ruth didn’t sleep much, and started seeing things unravel. She couldn’t figure out what she wanted. 

Bucky woke up during the nights, crying for Steve.

She put him back on a night bottle even though they had steadily been weaning him. He had almost constant headaches and Ruth tried to cope, breaking down in tears daily. 

During this time, Brock tried to seem helpful and supportive but now he knew what he needed to do. 

The morning of the third day, Ruth knew she had to contact Steve. She had to talk to him.

The bruises he’d given Brock had washed memories of a time when she was just a little girl.

Her uncle who had only been about eight years older than she was, had taken her to the garden shed, pulled down his pants and shown her the bruises that her grandfather had laid on him the day before for being late to feed the cows. She had only been eight and the memory had imprinted starkly on her.

Her grandfather had never been a nice or patient man. He’d never laid a finger on her, but she had often heard him yelling at her uncles.

Hydra seemed to impersonate her grandfather in her mind. She hadn’t been big enough to help her uncle. She was big enough to help Brock. When they’d talked in the car on their trip up here, Brock had touched on some very deep topics, including his own experiences with Hydra. This made her believe in his cry for help. 

She made coffee without any forethought and turned her phone on hoping for a message from Steve but the screen was still blank. She was disappointed. She wasn’t angry with him anymore. She didn’t know what she was. This pregnancy was making her crazy. She loved carrying Steve’s baby, she loved the thought of having a life with Steve, but she was irrational. 

“Morning Ruth,” Rumlow said, pouring a cup of coffee.

She stepped around him and sat down with her coffee. “Morning Brock.”

He sat down with his coffee as well. “You look tired.”

Without meaning to, she burst into tears. “I’m sorry.” She fled to the bathroom and locked the door. 

She collected herself and came back to the table. “Brock, I’ll change you after I’m done my coffee.”

“Already had my morning pee,” he murmured, settling back and spreading his thighs so she could see the soaked diaper. “Take your time.”

She stared at her blank phone screen to keep from squirming uncomfortably under his appraising gaze. 

Bucky walked in slowly, standing stiff. “Good morning.”

Ruth looked up and felt a cold chill at the icy look in his eyes. The soldier? 

“Morning sweetheart,” she said hesitantly.

He slowly looked at her. He patted his arm. 

She made a bowl of oatmeal and got a spoon. He pulled back at first, staring at the spoon and then a flash of understanding crossed his face and he opened his mouth. 

She fed him, then gave him a sippy cup of milk. 

He looked at her hesitantly.

She smiled her encouragement. 

He drank the milk and then stood up, standing at attention, silently. 

He was still drooling and swiped at his chin impatiently every few minutes. 

Brock clapped his hands once and Bucky snapped to attention so fast Ruth jumped. “What was that?” Ruth asked faintly. 

“Get him changed,” Brock commanded. 

Ruth frowned at the order. “I’m not-“

“I don’t have time to argue with you!” Rumlow argued. 

She turned back to Bucky. He was standing there, eyes wide and she could sense that he was unsure what was happening. 

“Let’s change you, baby,” she said.

“Don’t fuckin’ baby him!” Rumlow yelled. “I have a call to make.”

Ruth was suddenly very scared.

She led him to the living room and pointed to the floor. “Lay down.” 

While she was changing him,she quietly asked, “Bucky, do you know who I am?” 

He studied her. “Dr. Ruth.” His voice was soft. 

“That’s a good boy,” she said. “I’m going to try and keep you safe.” She put the soiled diaper in a garbage bag.

Bucky was still laying on the floor. “Ruth, where is Steve?”

She sighed. “He’s in DC.”

She grabbed her phone, looking quickly to make sure Brock was still busy. She quickly texted Steve. “HELP! Please come to Spurgeon.” She heard the door slam and threw her phone under the couch. 

“Get him dressed.” 

“No!” Ruth argued. “What do you want with him?” 

Bucky sat up. “I want Steve.”

“Why?” Rumlow asked bitterly. “He’s a bastard just like the rest of Hydra.”

“He’s not Hydra,” Bucky said, with a dark scowl.

“You’re right!” Rumlow yelled back. “He doesn’t let you fight! You’re useless!”

Bucky felt his senses and emotions overwhelm him. All he saw was red hot anger and shame.

Useless. Yes. Useless. Hydra used to tell him he was useless. Commander had said it to make him do things. Things he didn’t want to do!

With a feral scream he jumped Rumlow and knocked him to the floor.

Brock was ready. It was time.

Bucky threw his right fist at Brock repeatedly, purposely not hitting hard enough to kill, just hurt.

Rumlow had been itching for a fight. He threw his own punches, fists flying. Several times, his knuckles met with hard steel, when Bucky would block his punch with his left fist. His knuckles were bleeding but he revelled in the pain. It felt good.

Ruth watched in horror at the fist fight going on. There was no way she could stop it. If Bucky killed Brock what would she do?

Bucky was screaming out his frustration but Rumlow was seemingly keeping up because he was still standing. Bucky grabbed his throat.

Brock held up his hand. “Stop!”

Bucky paused. 

Brock hesitated just a moment, feeling the heat of Bucky’s anger in the fingers around his neck. He smiled a little.

“Longing,” he said.

Bucky’s hand fell and he stared at Brock in horror. “NO!!”

“Rusted,” Brock continued. 

“No!!” Bucky screamed, covering his ears. 

“Furnace.” 

His voice was calculating, strong. He was readyto trigger the Asset. The treatments that caused Bucky’s headaches had culminated in this. Him being ready and open to suggestion.

Ruth had tears streaming down her face as she watched the drama unfold. “What are you doing?” She screamed at Brock.

“What I came to do,”he said calmly. “Running away with us couldn’t have worked out better.”

Bucky screamed again, hitting his face and pulling his hair. 

He could feel the Winter Soldier struggling to break through his roiling, writhing emotions. He was completely out of control.

The Soldier clawed at his mind frantically, trying to escape. 

He forgot Rumlow in his personal fight. He threw his head back, crying outin anguished agony, tearing at his hair and slapping at his face with his hands. Again and again, the guttural, anguished rage filled cry escaped his throat.

“How could you?!?” Ruth yelled at Brock again. She looked at Bucky, feeling his anguished cry in her own soul.

“Bucky, baby, I’m here.” She pleaded.

“Don’t touch him,” Rumlow warned.

Ruth threw him an angry glare and picked Teddy up from where he lay forgotten on the floor. “Bucky! Take Teddy.”

She swallowed her fear and praying that he wouldn’t strike her, she went close to the writhing soldier, pressing the warm fur to his tear stained cheeks .

It took a long minute where she had to avoid his arms but finally his left arm came around the bear and then his right. He keened shrilly, his blue eyes wide with terror.

“Bucky.” She pleaded , but he didn’t seem to hear her. 

“Now I have to start over again!” Brock growled sarcastically.

“Why are you trying to trigger him?” She asked, anger lacing her voice. “I’ve done nothing but try to help you.”

“I don’t need your help. I need the Asset,” he said grimly. “I was sent to retrieve him.”

Ruth felt sick. Steve had been right all along. Brock Rumlow wasn’t going to change. He was Hydra. And he would use people. Even with Pierce dead they still wanted Bucky. 

She looked at Bucky who was turning his head side to side, still distressed. 

Ruth started to sing the lullaby he liked and the keening cry eased until only whimpering remained. She put a hand on his cheek. “Mama’s here.”

Calling on all her training to keep a cool head in a very bad situation, she suggested they have a snack or a drink while he waited. 

Brock looked at her suspiciously. That was it?? What was she up to? “I’ll stay with him,” he said, motioning to the soldier.

“Okay,” Ruth said calmly. 

She went to the kitchen and poured two cups of juice. 

Acting quickly, she took some sleeping pills from her bag of medicines and dropped two into his juice, dissolving them.

“Hey, here’s a glass of juice while you wait for your Hydra people to show up,” she said calmly. 

He was trying to read her. Something seemed off. Her smile was a little too bright. He hoped he wouldn’t be forced to hurt her. He really did like her. “Thanks,” he answered. She was a sweet girl. 

He drained his juice. It wasn’t till about ten minutes later, he realized she’d drugged him.

“No,” he protested weakly, fighting the sleepiness.

She lay him down on the couch and got him diapered before he fell asleep. “It’s just sleeping pills,” she assured him. “I need you to have a nap.”

His brain was fuzzy and grey as he reached for her throat before he blacked out completely.

Ruth frantically scrambled for her phone. She tried to call Steve but there was no immediate answer. 

Starting to cry, she dialled Pepper next. 

Pepper answered on the second ring. “Ruth!!”

Ruth sobbed with relief. “I need Steve.”

“Nick’s on his way,” Pepper promised. “He should be there shortly for you. Steve is here with me.”

She’d just hung up when there was a brisk knock. 

Ruth opened it. “You found me,” she said with relief.

“I make it my business to know where my people are at all times.” Nick Fury stepped inside, taking in the tidy kitchen and living room. 

“How is Steve?” She asked anxiously.

He looked at her calmly. “He wasn’t in any shape to do this. Tell me what’s going on.”

“Brock Rumlow is going to make trouble.” She burst out, as she poured two cups of coffee.

He noted Rumlow snoozing on the couch and Bucky rocking slowly on the floor. “Something happen?”

She nodded, tears spilling over again.

Nick sat back with his coffee. “Why don’t you start, by telling me what made you run?”

Ruth started, spilling the story from beginning to end. Rumlow’s lies, his advances, Steve’s anger, her fears, her worries for Bucky, the fight. She couldn’t stop the words that tumbled out.

Nick listened to her. “He started to trigger Bucky and you stopped it?”

She nodded.

“He seems to be in a catatonic state right now.” Nick watched him. “Steve might be able to help.”

“You think so?” she asked. “Can you still put Brock in that facility?”

“I’ll make sure of it. We’ll try to reprogram that stubborn brain of his.”

He took a sip of coffee. “How did he react to Steve after the beating?”

“He respected him,” Ruth answered. “I just don’t understand why?!”

Nick looked at her. “Because he made it clear that he was stronger than Brock was. That’s how dominance works. Hydra hammered it into his head. It’s how the army works. It’s chain of command. Steve used what he knew to teach him his rules.”

Ruth hadn’t thought about it that way. “He caused a lot of pain.”

“Pain is a great motivator.” Nick said slowly. “Anyone with army training can tell you that.”

She sighed. “I realize now I overreacted. A lot. I need help.”

“That’s why I’m here,” he said. ”We’ll get you back to DC with these guys and get Brock into lockdown in the psychiatric ward of SHIELD.”

She nodded. “I’ll get packed up.”

When she had put the few things she’d brought back in the suitcase, Nick had already put the sleeping Brock and Bucky in the back seat of the car. Bucky still hadn’t spoken.

“He’s not light!” Nick remarked. “I can lift a fair bit and he is all muscle.” He climbed behind the wheel. “I’ll drive.”

Ruth climbed into the passenger side, glad Nick was taking the wheel. She didn’t feel at all stable. She rubbed her hand over her belly absently. She missed Steve terribly. 

Not many minutes later, Nick was driving her car into the hold of a quinjet.

“Let’s leave Rumlow sleep. You can bring Bucky up here.”

She coaxed Bucky out of the car and brought him into the main part of the plane.

He sat beside her, still clutching his bear.

“Bucky,” she said softly, brushing his shoulder.

He jumped as if she had smacked him and Ruth couldn’t stop the tears. Would this nightmare ever end for this poor man? This time it had been her doing.

It wasn’t long before they were on the landing pad at the Tower.

Steve was waiting there, his face anxious.

Ruth was off the plane and flying into his arms in a moment. “I’m sorry Steve. So sorry. I should have talked to you.”

He held her close, nuzzling her ear, his heart thudding hard against his rib cage. “No harm done, honey girl,” he said softly, leaning back and taking in her tear washed eyes. He rubbed her belly slightly. “Are we alright?”

She nodded slowly. “Baby’s good.” She didn’t want to tell him about Bucky. He would hate her and just for this moment she wanted to be here in his arms. She knew in another minute, Fury would bring Bucky out, and Steve would never want to see her again. She held onto this moment praying it could be frozen in time just a little longer.

Steve looked at his girl in concern. “Ruth. What’s wrong?” She was a basket case.

“You’ll hate me,” she whispered. “I don’t blame you.”

“I highly doubt that,” he laughed. He looked up as Nick coaxed Bucky down the steps of the quinjet. Bucky’s head was down, his hair around his face. Steve could see he was sucking his thumb. Ruth started crying again.

Fury slowly walked Bucky over to Steve. “Rumlow’s going into custody. Bucky’s not quite with it. See if you can get him to snap out of it.”

Bucky stood there, silent. Then Steve understood what Ruth was talking about. “What happened?” He asked gently. Ruth allowed him to take her hand once Nick told her he would handle Rumlow, and the three took the elevator back to the apartment floor. Bucky shuffled after them, only walking because Steve was holding his hand.

Inside their apartment, he got a diaper for Bucky. It made him think of the first few days he’d been around Bucky. He flinched at every touch. 

Steve changed him and turned the tv on to a quiet channel.

He sat at the table with Ruth. “Explain to me what happened.”

So she did. Every detail of the last three days, and her poor tired mind, poured out in tear soaked sentences and apologies.

Steve’s face didn’t change as he listened to the entire story. “Why am I going to hate you?” He asked.

“Because if I’d stayed, Bucky would be okay now! Brock wouldn’t have had a chance to do whatever it was he did!”

He had never seen her this worked up. “Hush, sweet girl.” He pulled her onto his lap. “Buck has been in this place before. He’s recovered before. His brain just needs time to process. Now about Rumlow, I think Nick is going to put him in the facility that we have in this building on the lower level.”

Ruth looked at him through her tears. “I’m so sorry I ran away. I should have talked to you.”

“And I should have told you everything that happened right away,” Steve said. “But we’ve both learned something. And now we can move on. Bucky will come through this. It might be a bit of a setback.”

Ruth nodded. “I’m going to go have a hot shower.”

Steve kissed her gently. “Go ahead. I’m going to watch Bucky.”

“He probably needs a bottle. He hasn’t eaten in awhile.” She sighed and took her drained, aching body to the shower.

Steve made a bottle for Bucky and sat on the couch. “Hey Buck. Did you have a little vacation?”

“Trip.” Bucky said softly.

Steve nodded. “You went with Ruth.”

“Steve now.”

“Yep I’m here now. Look. I’ve got some milk for you.” He shook the bottle.

Bucky seemed to be lost in his own world for a minute before slowly looking at Steve’s hand. He slid forward on his diapered bottom and reached for the bottle.

Steve let him take it.

He lay down, putting it in his mouth with Teddy beside his cheek.

“That’s my good Bucky boy,” Steve said softly.

Bucky heard him. His brain felt so foggy. He wasn’t sure what was going on. The Soldier had settled down but remained right at the foreground of his mind. He couldn’t remember what had made the Soldier want to come out. He felt drained. He vaguely knew this man Steve. He was a handler. Or maybe..... he drank his milk, content to be here. It was this place that he felt at home in. He didn’t think it was a Hydra facility. It didn’t look like one. Also, Hydra wouldn’t let him have had the bear. The bear had been given to him earlier when his mind had been completely out of control. It had grounded him. And they hadn’t taken it away. Yet. But somehow it seemed like it must be Hydra. He was waiting for a mission. The mission wasn’t clear however. He hadn’t been given directions. He would wait for directions. Rumlow would give him directions. He didn’t know where Commander had gone. 

He drank more milk. He felt his bladder empty. His handler had just changed him. Would he be angry that he was wet again already? But he couldn’t help it. They had taken away his control with all the mind wiping and electricity that they’d sent through his brain and body.

He used to have control. Many years ago. Strange that such a thought would come to him. He didn’t remember many things these days. Only what Hydra wanted him to.

He remembered that Steve was bigger .”I thought you were dead.” 

“I thought you were smaller!” Steve had rescued him from Zola. Oh god. That had been a lifetime ago. Before he fell and lost his fucking arm. Before Hydra made him into a damn weapon.

He noted the woman when she came in. She had given him the bear. Was she going to take it away now? She smelled nice.

Dot? No. Not Dot. Peggy? Maybe....Steve had always loved Peggy Carter. She had been one strong woman.

Like this one. She’d stood up to Rumlow. But why? She’d given him the bear......even when Rumlow had told her not to. He tightened his grip on the bear a little. Ruby? No. Didn’t sound right. He was so tired. His brain couldn’t think anymore. He closed his eyes, keeping a tight grip on the bear.

Steve draped a blanket over Bucky. “I guess he’ll have his nap on the floor.”

Ruth nodded, cuddling with Steve. “I’m still sorry.”

“It’s not your fault that Rumlow is a fucking jackass.”

She looked at him. “Did you just swear?”

He smiled. “I know, I know. Language.”

She giggled. “I’m so tired. I can’t even function.”

Steve pulled her close. “You want to have a nap?”

She shrugged. “Maybe. I’ve hardly slept.”

“Sleep darling,” Steve said.She lay her head on his shoulder and let the weariness overtake her.

/////////////

Nick Fury checked on Rumlow in his cell. He was angry. He swore a blue streak at Nick but it didn’t matter. 

“Why does Hydra want Barnes back?” Fury asked, arms crossed. 

Rumlow stood in a corner, eyes slit and rage pulsing through every vein. 

Fury hadn’t expected an answer. “Who’s heading up Hydra now that Pierce is dead?” He asked. 

Brock slid down the wall and sat on the pristine floor. All his clothing had been taken and he’d been issued a plain white T-shirt and a pair of white sweats. He had socks but they were on his bed. He wasn’t wearing a diaper any longer. Not even underwear. A toilet sat out in the open on one end of the room. He was expected to use it. 

///////

Six weeks passed and Bucky became settled again other than the headaches which seemed to still come at intervals. 

Ruth did therapy with him and they fell back into a healthy routine. 

Steve and Ruth didn’t know what had happened the two days after coming back. Bucky had been completely non verbal other than the few words he spoke to Steve and preferred to huddle in a corner on the couch. 

Steve would change and feed him because he was unpredictable. 

Then, a day or two later after a good night, he was back to running around in his diaper and T-shirt, chattering unintelligibly and being adorable.Ruth noticed a difference however.There seemed to be a more distinct break between Bucky and the Soldier happening. She didn’t know what to make of it. 

Ruth had also asked Steve after her return about Bucky’sabsence of erectile function.It was a little odd. 

Steve smiled. “It was kind of obvious after being around Rumlow for a little while.” 

She laughed a little. “Yes. I honestly hadn’t even thought about it until I saw Brock hard a few times during changes and realized Bucky never was.”

“The doctor figured it might be from all the freezing and thawing that Hydra did.”

Ruth understood that. “Considering where he’s at mentally, it’s a complication we don’t need.” 

In the last few weeks she was starting to feel less first trimester and starting to feel more pregnant. She was starting to wear a few maternity clothes and she’d started talking about nursery plans with the girls. 

The third room in their apartment that was currently office space would be turned into a nursery soon. 

She and Steve had started discussing how to tell Bucky about the baby. He was becoming very possessive of both Steve and herself. When they spent time with the team, he forced himself between any hug he witnessed.He wanted to be carried a lot, which of course Steve allowed because he spoiled him a little. 

Steve had just put Bucky down with his bottlefor a nap after lunch one day when his phone went off and he sighed. He lifted itand looked at the message. “Damn. Fury needs me. I guess Rumlow is freaking out. He’s asking for me.”

“Steve,” she grabbed his arm. “If you need to bring him here again, please do. If he needs us, don’t deny him.”

Steve kissed her. “That’s what I love so much about you, doll.” He walked out the door. “I’ll see where he’s at.”

Fury met him on the main floor. “Just a warning. They have him strapped down because he is completely flipping out.”

“What happened?” Steve asked, stepping into the elevator with the director.

“The tech said when he woke up this morning he wanted to go see his family and started freaking out when he was told he had to stay. I guess he’s asking where Ruth is; where you are. Saying he wants his mom and dad.”

Steve looked at Fury in question. “What kind of deprogramming did you do??” 

Fury rolled his eyes. “We did some intensive therapy and some heavy meds. Never even brought you into it!”

They could hear the screams as soon as they entered the floor. They were punctuated by swearing and threats. 

Nick stopped. “Hey, just a heads up, last two or three days, they put him back in diapers. He was refusing to use the toilet.”

Steve slowly walked to the room where Rumlow was being kept. He wasn’t sure if the Hydra commander had flipped his lid or what was going on!!

He was strapped to the bed, stripped down to his diaper and madder than a wet hen.

The tech who was trying to calm him looked at the newcomers. “He’s been doing this for thirty minutes straight. I’m surprised his voice hasn’t given out.”

Brock screameduntil he saw Steve and then he broke into loud sobs. “Please help me,” he pleaded. “I don’t want to be here anymore!”

Steve took a tissue and wiped his runny nose. He’d obviously been crying for awhile, judging from the redness around his eyes. “Settle down,” Steve ordered gently. “What’s going on?”

Nick sat back to watch.

Brock was trying to free himselfwithout success. He yanked violently at the restraints. “I have to see you. Have to see mom. I have to see the Boy.”

Steve quirked an eyebrow. “The Boy?”

The captive stopped his writhing and thought for a moment. “The boy. The boy. Bu-Bucky. Bucky!!”

Steve shrugged. Brock Rumlow had broken his trust so many times. “Bucky is doing good. Why do you need to see him?” Steve asked finally.

Rumlow’s eyes filled with tears again. “You don’t understand!” he wailed. “Need to see -see-see...”

“Stop it,” Steve said firmly, wiping his nose again. “You’re acting like a baby.” 

Brock hiccuped loudly but nodded, falling silent. 

Steve studied him, gauging his sincerity. He was clearly not in control as usual. The Rumlow he knew wouldn’t act like this. . 

Brock whispered again, “Need to see dad. Need to see mom. Need Steve and Ruth.” He squirmed uncomfortably. 

Steve could see that he had not only soakedthe diaper, but the bed as well, and quite possibly soiled himself. 

“You guys broke him.”

He looked at Fury who shrugged a little. “Didn’t have a choice. You don’t have to take him.” He gestured towards Steve, leaving the decision up to him.

“Brock, let’s get you changed.” 

Brock peered through his fingers that were over his face,at Steve. “Change. Change please. Thank you. Change.”

Steve got a clean diaper and wipes, unlocking the restraints around the captive’sankles. “No kicking.”

Brock twisted his head to try and get his teeth into his shoulder. “Need Steve!”

“You guys really messed him up,” Steve muttered again.

“We can take him off the drugs. He’ll recover. At least to where he’s more verbal. Hopefully a lot more submissive,” Nick said. 

Steve changed him. “Get someone in here to change the bed.” 

Nick nodded, going to the intercom. 

When he was dry and the bed was clean, he was restrained again and Steve sat beside him. “Can you talk to me.”

Brock pulled at the restraintsfor a moment, before looking at Steve. “Gotta get out of here. See Bucky. See Ruth. See Steve.” 

“Yes. We’ve established that,” Steve said. “My question is, what are you going to do if I let you come back?” 

Brock looked confused by the question. “Gotta see boy. Gotta see Ruth. See Steve. Hi.” He looked at Steve.

Steve chewed his lip, deep in thought. “You have to follow the rules.”

Brock didn’t hesitate. “Okay.”

Ruth looked up as they came in, her eyes wary when she saw Rumlow. 

“Mom?” He asked softly. 

Ruth forgot her wariness immediately.“What did they do to him?”

“Drugs, intensive therapy according to Fury,” Steve answered wryly. “He’s out of it right now.”

Brock Looked around at the kitchen. “Can I eat please?” 

“You’re hungry?” Ruth asked.

She got a few cookies for him and a glass of milk. 

Bucky came into the room, having gotten up from his nap about half an hour ago and stopped short at the sight of Commander sitting at the table. “No. Bye.” He turned to go. 

Brock looked at him, a little confused. “Where you going, boy?”

“Go away,” Bucky said bluntly. “Bucky stay.”

Brock didn’t seem fazed. 

“Bucky,” Ruth said gently, “Brock is going to stay here for a bit.”

Bucky thought that over, chewing on one of his fingers and drooling. 

“Change.” He demanded.

Steve changed Bucky’s wet diaper and then pulled him to his feet. “Ok turkey. Go find Steve doll.” Ruth had left diaper changes to Steve more often because of his unpredictable behaviour. Sometimes he would kick or hit for no reason. 

He wandered into the living room once he was dry and turned the tv on. 

Brock followed him with his eyes. “He’s nice,” he commented vaguely. He finished his cookies and then followed Bucky. 

Ruth voiced her concern. “Bucky’s been so aggressive we better keep a close eye on them. 

Steve went into the living room to watch the interactions. 

With Rumlow loopy on drugs and not quite at top functioning speed, things could prove interesting. 

Bucky bounced on his toes with Steve doll clutched to his chest. 

Brock rocked from foot to foot, gesturing at Bucky a little nervously. “Good boy. Good boy. Boy.” 

Bucky half turned and stared at him. “Good boy.”

Brock nodded. “Good boy.” He motioned to Bucky’s metal arm. “Yeah. Good boy. Boy.”

Bucky put Steve doll’s foot in his mouth and blew a raspberry, drooling saliva onto his bib and down the doll’s leg. His drooling hadn’t really improved. 

Brock watched him, stopping his nervous rocking. “You’re drooling.”

Bucky shrugged, turning back to the tv. 

Brock glanced atthe screen.

“Dog.” Bucky pointed at the screen.

Brock ignored him, wandering instead to the magazine rack. 

Steve smiled. Both boys were only in their diapers and a T-shirt since it was rather warm today. 

Ruth came and joined him, rubbing her baby bump. She felt the subtle twitch that told her the baby was moving. It wasn’t enough to feel on the outside but she loved every moment. 

Steve put his hand over hers. “Is he moving?”

“He?” She asked with a soft chuckle. “It’s a boy, is it?”

Steve grinned self consciously. “Or she.” 

Bucky came over to Steve with his doll. “Change!”

Steve sniffed a little. “Let me check your diaper, buddy.”

Bucky stood still while Steve pulled out the back of his diaper a bit. 

“Oh Buck, I just changed you half an hour ago. Go get a diaper.”

Bucky disappeared to go find a clean diaper. 

Brock was methodically tearing pages from a magazine. “This is so nice, right? Such a good vacation spot.”

Steve shrugged. “Fury said it would be a few days before the drugs wear off.”

Ruth sighed. “He’s definitely loopy.” 

Once Bucky was clean and dry, Steve checked Brock’s diaper as well. “You’re pretty wet too.” 

Brock lay quiet while Steve changed him, tearing more pages from the magazine. 

The day passed in a relaxed kind of chaos. The boys orbited around each other without really interacting much.When dinner time came around, Ruth mashed Bucky’s meatballs and rice into a chunky mush.He was eating well, which was good. There was no way they would be able to wean him from the bottle though. He threw a fit if Steve even tried to put him down for a nap or sleep without one. 

He was on regular milk now though which was good. 

Steve cut a plateful into small pieces for Brock and they seated both boys. 

Brock fed himself with a running commentary on the colour of the food on his plate. 

Bucky was still being fed. Ruth had given up trying to get him to feed himself actual food. He would eat dry Cheerios or popcorn twists on his own. He didn’t like using a spoon on his own. 

After dinner, both boys went through the tub. 

Once they were clean, diapered and in pajamas,the little family snuggled on the couch and watched Tangled. 

Bucky loved the Disney movie and today Brock laughed instead of the usual sarcastic sneering. 

It was a wonderful feeling.


	17. Healing Factor Chapter 5

The next two days went pretty much like that as well. Steve changed diapers and Ruth made sure both boys were kept fed. 

Brock went through a few hours of staring at the kitchen light and then wanted to go to bed. Fortunately it was bed time. 

Brock woke up the third morning, much more himself. He wasn’t quite as spacey and immediately asked why he was with them. 

Steve told him he’d asked to come for a few days. 

Brock nodded. 

When Bucky woke up however, there was something very strange going on with him. 

He walked into the kitchen on silent feet, startling Ruth into screaming. 

He stared at her for quite some time in a defensive stance. 

Bucky didn’t know what was happening in his head. Things looked strange and different. 

A fear that he had never felt gripped him, strong and powerful like a vise around his mind. He didn’t know who the woman was. 

He didn’t know who anyone was and he didn’t know who he was either. 

Ruth saw the emotions racing across his face in quick succession. “It’s okay, baby,” she soothed.

He relaxed only a fraction, backing tight against the wall. 

The man patted a chair but Bucky shook his head. 

The woman brought a bowl towards him but he quickly shook his head and sealed his lips. He didn’t wish to be poisoned. 

“This is just breakfast,” the woman said softly. She held a spoonful out to him. 

He sniffed it suspiciously. It smelled good. He accepted it, waiting to see if he would be sick. It tasted safe enough. He allowed her to feed him. 

Another person entered the kitchen. This person he recognized. At least, the face looked familiar, but there was no name connected. 

The anxiety started burning in his belly spread to his thighs and up into his chest making it hard to breathe. His heart was beating erratically. Why didn’t he recognize him? 

His stomach clenched uncomfortably. He was so afraid!! Somehow, the sight of this third man made him afraid. 

He was going to vomit.

Ruth saw him swallow hard and his cheeks flushed. “Steve, get paper towel and a bucket quick,” she said, keeping her voice quiet.

She didn’t want to startle him.

Steve didn’t move fast enough.

He retched, vomiting his breakfast up. His stomach still cramped at the emotional turmoil.

You are useless. Why can’t you behave? Don’t talk back! Don’t ! Stand there! Sit in the chair! CRACK!  Pierce. That must be this third man! Alexander Pierce. Pierce would hit him. Sometimes just because he had looked up. He was the Asset. That was his job. 

He tried to breathe through the next wave of nausea.

Steve touched his shoulder. “Bucky. You’re okay.” He wiped the cold sweat from his forehead.

He jerked away from the gentle touch. He stared at the large, blonde man. “Who the hell is Bucky?”

Brock glanced his way at that! 

Suddenly The Asset vomited again and he was glad it wasn’t his mess to clean up. Bucky had always been one to vomit when he got too upset.

The soldier felt white hot lightning firing through his brain.Who was Bucky? Who was Pierce? Who was this blonde man? He was the Asset. 

It overwhelmed him. He wanted to cry with frustration. 

He was....he was.. He didn’t know. 

He started to cry; howled in fact. 

A few moments later, the blonde man had him firmly in his grip, even though he screamed and fought him. 

The woman handed him a soft brown bear and a warm bottle of milk. 

Something clicked and his frantic kicking subsided slowly as his arms came around the bear, feeling it’s soft fur on his face. He closed his eyes, opening his mouth for the nipple of the bottle. 

Ruth stroked his sweat damp hair. “He’s showing signs of the Soldier.”

Steve pulled him into a more comfortable position in his arms. “I wonder what’s going on with him today?”

Ruth shrugged. “I honestly don’t know.”

Bucky struggled to open his eyes when the bottle was taken away twenty minutes later. He whimpered a little. 

The woman was there again. She stroked his cheek. 

He looked at her through half closed eyes, sticking his thumb in his mouth and frowning when he belched and some milk came up with the force. She wiped his face. 

“That was a big burp! How’s my boy?”

He tried to talk to her but his words wouldn’t work. 

He had a horrible headache. He reached one hand up to his head, whining a little. Had they put him in the chair? It would explain the headache and his complete lack of cognitive ability. He just felt like his brain wasn’t functioning at all. 

Brock sat down on the couch, looking at the soldier. “He’s really out of it.”

Steve nodded, stroking Bucky’s hair. “It’s weird.”

Steve moved Bucky so he could lean him against his arm.

Bucky felt the sudden headache subside again and groaned softly in relief, feeling his diaper get soaked. His muscles felt like limp, cooked spaghetti. He felt like he had just come out of cryo. That weird, boneless feeling of floating between time and space. He couldn’t even lift his arms right now.

He closed his eyes, giving in to the exhaustion that permeated his body. 

Bucky slept on Steve’s lap for almost three hours. When he woke up, he knew his name was Bucky, he knew who Steve was, he was horrified to learn Brock Rumlow was there and he didn’t remember the woman.

Steve looked at him. “You feeling better?”

Ruth got a jar of applesauce and a bib. “I’m going to feed him.”

Steve sat him up a bit more. “Sit up, big guy.”

Bucky squirmed into a sitting position, keeping one hand firmly wrapped in Steve’s shirt to ground himself. 

Ruth put a spoon of applesauce in his mouth and Bucky swallowed it. He nodded. This was familiar. Being fed. Comfortable. 

She fed him more. When it was gone, Steve got up, carrying him. “I’m going to change him.”

Bucky did his best to hang onto Steve’s neck as he carried him to the bedroom.

Bucky lay still while Steve changed him then gave him Teddy again. 

He held the bear close.

“ Steve! There’s a sniper in the tree! Get down! Bang! Teddy got him! He saved your life!  Childish voices. Maybe seven or eight years old. “ Thank you Teddy! You’re the best bear ever!” 

Was he little? Bucky pulled Teddy close, wondering at the memories. Maybe he was just a kid. He felt little. Steve was carrying him. That must be it. 

Steve carried him back to the couch after he was changed. 

Brock got up, stretching so hard he almost popped his back. He stood there a moment eyeing the soldier. He was really quiet today. Just like he used to be. 

Steve was watching Brock closely. The drugs that had kept him in a state of subdued submission had worn off. 

He figured he would call Fury and let him know Rumlow was ready for retraining. 

Steve and Ruth took the boys to the common area to spend 

the afternoon playing video games and board games. 

Fury came by and spoke with Steve and Brock at length and then arranged to pick Rumlow up the next day. 

Bucky was sitting with Thor but he was getting cranky and crying for no apparent reason. When Bucky couldn’t be settled Steve and Ruth took their leave. 

They had a quick dinner, during which Bucky cried through the whole thing. Finally, Ruth gave up trying to feed him his food because he refused to eat,and warmed up a bottle. “I think he’s ready for bed.”

Steve nodded, carrying Bucky to bed. He changed him once more and then tucked him in. 

After Brock went to bed, Steve and Ruth talked aboutBucky and how Brock would function at SHIELD. 

Ruth couldn’t sleep that night as she lay cuddled against Steve, his hand protectively over the baby. 

She was trying to figure out what was happening with Bucky. What had triggered the soldier? Did it have something to do with Brock? 

She did eventually fall asleep and only woke up when Steve got up. 

“Where are you going?” She asked sleepily. 

“Bucky’s awake,” he said. He went to the boys bedroom. “Morning, Bucky boy,” he said softly. 

Bucky was standing, a little unsteadily, but he was up. “Morning Steve. Did we have one hell of a party last night? Or did I have a stroke?”

“I hope not!” Steve chuckled. “I don’t think so. You have had a few crazy days.” 

He put Bucky’s arm around his shoulder and they made their way to the kitchen. He grinned like an idiot. This was the most he’d seen of the real Bucky since he realized he was alive!

“Are you good this morning?”

Bucky considered that a moment. “I think so. I feel like I might’ve missed something though. Where the hell am I?”

Before Steve could answer, Ruth walked in and started coffee. “Good morning, baby.”

Bucky looked at her questioningly. Baby? He looked at Steve. Who was this woman? Was he dating her? Oh god!! Was he married to her?? He covertly glanced at his left hand. A prosthetic? What? How had that happened? Ring... He almost sagged with relief. No ring. She obviously knew him. But he had absolutely no idea who she was. But he should..... he swiped his flesh hand over his face. His head was pounding like he’d gotten hammered last night. He swept a hand through his long hair. Coffee. He hadn’t had coffee for a few days. Maybe longer? He was confused. He remembered Azzano. Steve had rescued the 107th from Azzano. But this place looked space aged compared to most of the places they’d lived in. 

The woman got a bowl out of a box on the counter and handed it to Steve. 

“Ruth, can you grab a clean bib for Buck?” Steve asked, getting a spoon and napkin.

Bucky looked at her again. Ruth. Why did he know that name? Doctor Ruth. Sounded familiar. He hadn’t really seen a doc since Azzano. Maybe she was.....Before he could follow that train of thought completely, Steve’s words registered. Bib?!? Why the hell a bib?! What was Steve up to? At that point he realized he was also drooling. What the fuck?! He swiped his right hand across his chin.

When Ruth came to change the adult sized bib around his neck he leaned away, almost losing his balance and falling off the chair.

She grabbed his shoulder to steady him. She looked at him shrewdly. “Bucky, do you remember me?” 

Bucky avoided her eyes. Oh god. The worst question ever. He hated questions. Truth? Or lie? They were both watching him now. Curious. He felt like a sideshow. His face grew warm as he blushed under the scrutiny.

He jerked when he felt himself lose bladder control without warning. “No,”he whispered urgently.

She thought he was answering her question. “It’s alright.”

He grabbed his crotch to try and stem the flow, even more confused when he felt the diaper he was apparently wearing. What....the.....hell. The last thing he remembered was......going to war? Azzano.He remembered that. Another memory punctured the foggy veil of amnesia. He’d been captured by Hydra. He remembered that much. Train. Cryo. Huge memory breaks. Anxiety swirled in his brain and he grabbed the table to ground himself. 

“Buck, are you okay?” Steve was beside him in an instant, holding him firmly.

Bucky looked at him. 

” I thought you were dead.”

”I thought you were smaller.”

“Yeah, Yeah. Fine,” he said thinly.

Brock walked in and sat at the table, yawning sleepily. 

Bucky looked at the man across from him. Familiar. But not in a good way. He was built like a soldier. The crew cut, strong jaw, built upper body. He didn’t want to mess with this guy. He was....scared. He chanced another look at him, willing the memories to come. They didn’t. Just fog and dark vague shapes. There were so many questions rolling around in his head. He’d just have to figure it out. He sat and stared at the table for awhile. He was trying to take one question at a time in his brain but it was like trying to untie the knots in old shoelaces.

Steve put the bib on him, took lifted a spoonful to his mouth.

Bucky pulled back, shooting him a quizzical look. “Not a fuckin invalid, Steve.” 

He took the spoon from Steve. When had his hand gotten so shaky? He couldn’t even hold a damn spoon. He started several times to lift the spoon but put it back in the bowl. He saw Steve’s sympathetic look. There was no way he could get it to his mouth. Frustration seared his brain and he clenched his fists. 

Without a word, Steve took the spoon and fed him.

Bucky ate, but only because he was really hungry. 

Emotion balled up into his throat and he turned away from the spoon. He wasn’t going to be able to swallow. “Guess I am a crappy fuckin invalid,” he said, quietly, venom lacing his words. Better to be angry than crying. “What the hell is going on?” he demanded finally, when his voice could be steady.

Ruth looked at Steve who looked at Brock.

Bucky hated, HATED, being on the outside of some unspoken joke or conversation. His temper fired up, fed by the feelings and questions already eating at him. “What?! You can’t tell me? Fine!”

He rose and intended to stomp away but his body betrayed him. He stumbled and fell.It hurt and it made him so mad! And he didn’t even know why. Anger stabbed like a red hot poker in his brain. He tried to scream words at Steve but he couldn’t form a sentence. His mouth wouldn’t cooperate. He swung wildly, trying to hit Steve. Steve was a safe person to beat on. He could take it. Screaming like a toddler having a tantrum, he kicked the chair over.

Ruth felt tears come to her eyes. She went to his bed to find Teddy.

Steve hauled Bucky to his feet, even though he flailed, and carried him bodily to the couch, where he sat with him on his lap, arms tightly around him. “It’s okay,” he soothed. “You’re with me.”

Bucky felt Steve’s arms go around him in a tight bear hug and he stopped fighting, then dissolved into angry, frustrated tears. He had only been up for an hour and he felt exhausted. He leaned against Steve, letting the anger drain out of him and cried. What a pathetic excuse for a soldier. His cheeks were soaked with tears, his diaper was wet, his chin was wet and dripping; he was a mess. 

Ruth came in and pressed a dog eared brown bear to his cheek. 

His base instinct was to pull it close and put his thumb in his mouth and he did just that until he realized what he was doing. He dropped his hand quickly. 

He was going crazy. He was crazy. He should be in a mental asylum. The tears started again.

Steve gently lifted his hand. “It’s okay, Bucky. You can suck your thumb.”

Embarrassed that he wanted to, that it felt so good, he put it back in his mouth, turning the bear so it covered his face. A vague thought came to him from yesterday. Was he just little? Did babies have thoughts like this?

Steve rubbed his back and he sighed, relaxing. There went his bladder again. He was too stressed to react. He ignored it. Obviously wasn’t the first time if he was in diapers.

They sat like that for quite some time. Steve kissed the top of his head a lot, whispering how happy he was that Bucky was back.

Once he felt completely calm, he took his thumb out of his mouth. “Steve, What happened to me?”

Steve sighed long and heavy. “You were with Hydra. In 1947.”

“A long time?” Bucky asked. Steve nodded against the top of his head. “You could say that.”

Bucky turned his face up to look at Steve. “I have some questions.”

Steve nodded, “Okay, what are they?”

“First. Why am I wearing a diaper? And how fucking long have I been wearing one? Why don’t I have any bladder control?” He frowned fiercely. He could feel the wetness and it wasn’t comfortable.

Steve sighed. “A long time, baby boy. Hydra kind of beat it right out of you.” He almost added, ‘like everything else’ but didn’t.

Bucky looked at him, trying to understand.“Why?” He needed to know, even though it made him feel like hiding his face. He was gonna need a change pretty quick.

Steve was a stickler for the truth but he hated saying this, realizing how fragile Bucky’s ego was right now. “I think Hydra wanted to control every part of you.” He squeezed Bucky’s shoulder.

Bucky picked at a thread on Teddy’s ribbon. “Oh.” So much for feeling like he had any control at all. Damn. He decided to change the subject. “What happened to my arm?” He very vaguely remembered some horrible things but it seemed like another lifetime. Had he fallen off something? Maybe.

Starting with the helicarrier a few months ago, Steve told him bits and pieces of what had happened. He didn’t want to overwhelm Bucky.

He told him about his fall. How he himself went into the ice. Some of Bucky’s experiences that he knew about with Hydra. Brock Rumlow’s part in it.

Bucky glanced at the man at the table. That made sense.

Bucky leaned against Steve, feeling like he’d been punched in the gut. It physically left him almost breathless. Anxiety choked his lungs. He’d totally lost months, years, of his life. He couldn’t even process it right now. Feeling like he was about to lose it, he tried his best to breathe.

Steve pulled him close. “It’s okay, hon.”

The thumb went back in his mouth after that. He felt a little fuzzy. Bucky sat on Steve’s lap, content to sit and watch the morning news with him.

He jerked a little when he felt Steve’s hand between his legs. “What are you doing?” He asked quickly, squirming uncomfortably. 

“Sorry,” Steve apologized. “Just checking how wet you are. Habit I guess.”

“Oh.” Bucky relaxed again. Wasn’t like they’d never touched each other. It was just usually a mutual communication first. It didn’t bother him though. Steve was his closest buddy. They’d shared everything.

Ruth came in with a bottle of milk and handed it to Steve. 

Bucky saw it and gave Steve a look that said ‘Are you serious!?’

Steve gently pulled his thumb out of his mouth. “This way you can hold it without spilling.”

Bucky humphed in annoyance but put the soft silicone nipple of the bottle in his mouth. As soon as he did, it was very familiar and comforting. It was the weirdest feeling. He leaned his head on Steve’s shoulder. The milk tasted good. He wanted to forget everything Steve had told him. He concentrated on the feel of Steve’s strong arms around him, his strong chest behind his back. He wasn’t alone. It didn’t take long to finish. His stomach felt comfortably full.

He let his brain float into the fuzzy calm beckoning him. 

Steve kissed the top of his head again. 

“Buck, I should change you.”

Bucky looked up. “‘Kay.” 

Steve sighed a bit and smiled. Bucky had reverted back to his regressed form. 

He took him to the bedroom and lay him on the bed. “Are you just wet, bud?” He asked. 

Bucky chewed on his finger blowing spit bubbles. Steve checked his diaper and then changed him. “Just wet.” 

Bucky followed him back to the living room.

Steve patted his lap.

Bucky only hesitated a moment before sitting down and putting his thumb in his mouth. He pulled teddy close and nuzzled into Steve’s shoulder. 

“ Steve, can you put Teddy in the tree? He’s gonna be the sniper.” Eight year old Bucky. Six year old Steve. Playing at being soldiers. Steve’s dad was gone to war. “Sure Bucky. Can you watch my back?” Steve climbed the short tree and put Teddy in the Y of two branches. Bucky made sure the enemy didn’t see him. Steve got back down beside him and they lay down on the grass in the backyard, pointing their stick guns towards enemy lines. “Are we gonna make it today, Bucky?” Steve asked, his voice anxious. Bucky nodded, putting his arm over Steve’s back. “We’re together till the end of the line.”

Bucky’s breathing deepened and Steve knew he’d dozed off. He gently kissed his forehead.

Brock was watching Steve and Bucky curiously. A slight glimpse of Bucky Barnes was enough to make him realize there was more than just a brainwashed soldier in there. 

Bucky had only been asleep maybe forty five minutes when he suddenly gasped and sat up, grabbing for anything solid. He grabbed Teddy. Tears came quickly. He sobbed, his chest heaving as he struggled to calm down. His heart pounded so incredibly hard he thought he might die.

Steve rubbed his back. “It’s okay, Buck. It was a nightmare. I’m here.”

Bucky turned to face him, his eyes wide and terrified. 

“You okay?” Steve asked slowly. 

Bucky had no words and yet his brain was screaming to be heard. He wanted to talk! “Scared!” He finally burst out.Why couldn’t he say everything on his mind? His head hurt again. So much! 

Bucky pinched his eyes shut for a moment. The Asset. The headache lessened. The Asset saw Rumlow.Commander. His brain made the connection but it was different. There were other memories too. He got up. His voice was low. “Hydra. You were at Hydra! You’re a fuckin bastard Rumlow. You kept me in that hell hole. You watched them chain me to the wall. How could you just stand there, every time? You looked away, every time! You know how much they hurt me! You stand here now like some friend!” He got up and slowly walked towards Brock, his back rigid, his fists clenched.

Rumlow backed up till he was pressed against the wall. The look on Bucky’s face was a little scary. His eyes were stone cold, glittering with angry tears. 

Steve quickly moved so he was standing close by but he didn’t intervene....yet.

Bucky pushed Rumlow until he was against the wall, hard, with the unforgiving cybernetic implant squarely in his chest. “You disgust me,” he spat out angrily, his face only inches from Brock’s. A bead of spit landed on Rumlow’s face.

Rumlow didn’t move. He didn’t think he’d ever seen the Asset this angry. At least not at him. He was usually more controlled. More....brainwashed. He hoped it was the Asset. He couldn’t avoid the stormy blue eyes so close to his. He needed a chance to use the trigger words. He felt the metal hand pushing into his ribs. His breaths came in quick puffs. 

“Longing,” He whispered. The hand paused but didn’t ease.

“Shut the fucking hell up!” Bucky hissed, his face a mask of fury.

“Rusted,” Rumlow continued. 

Steve was confused. 

Brock’s eyes widened as the metal fist connected with his skull and he went limp. 

“Bucky,” Steve said firmly. “Let him go.”

Bucky let the commander slide limply to the floor and stalked out of the room. He was so confused! He needed to find Pierce. Or the red haired woman. 

“Bucky!” Steve ordered, “Get back here.”

Bucky jerked at the command, his eyes flickering, but he continued out of the apartment, letting the door slam. 

Steve was trying not to panic. “Jarvis, don’t let Bucky leave the tower. Alert the Avengers.”

 

Epilogue:

Bucky was brought back without incident. 

Brock Rumlow was retrained to be a SHIELD agent. Nick Fury was finally convinced that he’d changed his ways. Rumlow was a good agent and he was happy to have him on board again. 

Bucky found that something had changed. He had moments of startling clarity that scared him. Ruth and Steve saw him through those times. 

He was getting them more and more though. Steve was ecstatic that he seemed to be regaining himself. Somehow Bucky didn’t feel like himself but he didn’t tell Steve that. The headaches came and went almost daily and he learned to live with them. 

In three months, he learned to feed himself, and was mostly able to use the toilet for bowel movements. He didn’t always make it but he was proud of himself anyway. 

When he learned about the baby, he had mixed emotions until Steve told him that he would always be Uncle Bucky that lived with them.He liked that idea. He was excited to welcome the little one. 

Ruth continued her therapy sessions with him and he thought his life had finally settled into something stable. 

There was only one thing. 

 He’d forgotten that Hydra still existed. 


	18. Time Will Heal, Scars Will Stay Chapter 1

The Asset huddled in the corner beside the dumpster, unsure of who he was or where he was or even why he was here. How had he come to be here? 

Nothing was clear under the haze of fear and pain in his head. He slowly touched his head with his flesh hand and felt a large lump and the wet stickiness of blood. He must have gotten hurt.  That wasn’t the main source of the pain though. His entire head ached. 

His brain was out of focus. Even though he was alone in the alley, he thought he heard voices. Was he alone? He squinted. He couldn’t tell anymore. 

He put his flesh hand against the cold metal and peeling paint of the old green dumpster. Solid.It was the one thing that was real right now. 

“Soldier,” a voice said softly and it sounded so close but when he reached out to the person he thought was there, his hand touched nothing. It was only in his head. There were more voices but he focused on that one.

The soldier was there. Protective, steady, unfeeling. The soldier had no memories. He had no memories. “You are strong, Soldier,” the voice said again. 

Bucky got to his feet, his heart still pounding with paranoia. He looked for any possible threat. There was no one around. 

He stretched his metal arm, hearing the plates and gears recalibrate. He kept his right hand on the dumpster, unwilling to let the one solid piece in his spinning world go. 

“Strong.” He whispered, clenching his metal fist. He was a weapon. He had battled many people with this arm. 

The thought then occurred to him that a weapon had an owner. He belonged to Hydra. He glanced at the red star on his left shoulder. The symbol said he did. But, where was his handler? Where was Pierce? 

Was he here because he was no longer useful?

He pulled his hand off the metal of the dumpster as though it was suddenly burning him. Was he trash?

The loss of contact sent him spiralling mentally. Soldier? He tried to focus but his thoughts scattered like birds when a wolf attacked. Weapon? Yes. Child? Maybe? Man? He was no longer a man. Slave? What was he? Or even; was he? Maybe he was dead. No longer in need of being owned. He was breathing. Could he still breathe and be dead? Was he......free?

Freedom didn’t appeal to him. It was too frightening. Soldier seemed the safest. A vague memory came that he had a handler. Yes. Someone who saw to his needs. 

What were his needs? Did he still have needs? 

Yes. He needed. The thought took hold of his scattered mind and he focused on it. 

Food was a need. Food was for hunger. Hydra had fed him. Maybe he was hungry. Yes, he was hungry. Maybe he had been here for awhile? His stomach growled in response to his thoughts. He only needed to eat every sixteen hours. Had it been longer? He didn’t know. 

He looked at his hands. He needed cleaning as all weapons did. Hydra had cleaned him as well. He looked bedraggled. His flesh arm had dirt smears on it. 

His eyes dropped lower. His pants were not clean. They were wet. He looked for the source. A puddle? Rain? The alley was dry and dusty other than right where he had been sitting. How careless to soil his clothes in the only puddle in the alley. They were uncomfortable but he pushed that out of his mind, choosing to continue with his focus on taking stock of what he needed. 

He was wearing boots. Combat boots. Soldiers would wear combat boots. One boot was uncomfortably wet on the inside. Again he couldn’t have said why or how it had gotten wet. 

Perhaps he had been in battle and he was hiding from an enemy. The tactical gear he wore also told him he was a soldier. 

At that point, something occurred to him that immediately stilled all his anxiety and made the spinning in his head stop. 

His handler would find him. He would know where his soldier was. All he had to do was wait. 

So, he waited. It didn’t matter that the sun beat down on his dark hair and caused him to sweat in the heavy tactical gear. He did not make decisions. At one point, he fell asleep, huddled in the shadow of the dumpster. 

He would wait. Weapons did not think. They just followed orders. 

When the sun had begun to sink and his hunger had become painful, a shadow darkened the alley. 

“Bucky?” A soft voice said.

He stayed alert. Was this how his handler addressed him? It seemed slightly familiar. Yet somehow foreign. Perhaps this was his handler. 

“Mission .....” Had he completed his mission? Or failed it? He dared not lie to his handler. 

“Mission failed.” His voice was raspy from no water for so long. He was weak and shaky from lack of food. 

The handler held out his hand. “The mission wasn’t failed. You succeeded, soldier. Good boy.”

The soldier allowed himself a small smile. “Mission complete.” He wished he could remember the mission. Why couldn’t he remember? Maybe they had put him in the chair. But then he wouldn’t be here. He would be on the table and he wouldn’t even know his own name. 

The handler had his leash. He stood quiet while the man clipped it to his vest. He felt more at ease now. 

There were no more words as the blonde man led him to a waiting vehicle. 

Would his handler punish him for soiling his clothes?

The ride wasn’t long. Bucky sat stiffly, trying not to think of all the things that might happen to him wherever they were going. 

The vehicle stopped in front of a large building. 

The handler led him in. 

Bucky did not recall this base of operations. It must be a SHIELD base. Perhaps Secretary Pierce was here. 

The handler tugged gently on his leash when he hesitated. 

Bucky followed the man into the elevator. The handler seemed oddly familiar but, again, he couldn’t place the face. 

 

_Bridge_. _But_ _he_ _knew_ _me_. 

 

He wondered vaguely where Brock Rumlow was, his usual handler.Not that he minded. This handler hadn’t yelled or smacked him at all yet. 

They walked to another door.

At first, Bucky expected an office but it was living quarters.

When they entered, he stood quietly and patiently, waiting for his orders. He must have some high security op here. He tried not to become anxious.He was not in peak physical condition. He needed food and water. 

A woman he didn’t know stepped forward. He saw immediately that she was very pregnant. “Steve! Oh thank God! You found him.”

The handler nodded. “I did. Ruth...” he paused. “I’m afraid he’s gone back to being the Winter Soldier.”

Bucky looked from one to the other. Of course he was the Winter Soldier! That’s what Hydra had made him to be! What else did they expect? He reached for the gun on his back. It wasn’t there. 

 Ruth watched Bucky intently for a few minutes, her relief great but her concern was greater. 

A week ago, Steve had discovered Bucky was gone. In a panic, he had started looking but DC was a big place! They didn’t want to alert the police if they didn’t have to. 

Steve had told Sam and he’d helped Steve look. They’d alerted the other Avengers when they couldn’t find him in the first day and everyone went into stealth mode and looked for the soldier. 

When Steve had discovered that Bucky’s tac gear was missing he’d been sure that something had triggered the Winter Soldier. 

The fact that Bucky had managed to escape Tony’s security spoke to the Soldier’s uncanny abilities. 

Jarvis, of course, had seen and recorded him getting up around three AM.

He’d stripped down to his diaper, carefully putting on his gear and then disappeared through the parking garage. 

Jarvis has made an attempt to contact Steve but had not been able to awaken him before Bucky was gone. 

Now Bucky stood in the kitchen, silent and uncomfortable. 

Steve touched Bucky’s shoulder and almost cried when the soldier flinched visibly. 

They had come so far past this. They had made progress in toilet training Bucky. He’d been using the toilet for bowel movements regularly. He had been feeding himself. Was all the progress going to be lost?

“What do you think triggered this?” Steve asked quietly, not wanting to startle Bucky. 

Ruth shrugged a little. “I’m not sure. It could be so many things. It could have something to do with the headaches. They haven’t gotten better Steve. I think he needs to see a doctor.”

Steve nodded. “He’s regressed.”

“He hasn’t stopped recovering though,” she smiled. “This is a setback, not a failure.”

Steve looked at Bucky again. 

The soldier said  “голодный” softly in Russian and patted his arm. 

Ruth sighed a little and Steve bit his lip. Communication would be limited. At least they knew what that meant. He was hungry. 

“I think I better change him first,” Steve said. “He’s soaked right now. I don’t know if he’s even diapered. I wonder where he’s been.”

“Wash his hands and face,” Ruth said. “I’ll make him some food.”

Steve took Bucky to the bedroom. 

Bucky strongly resisted being undressed but he didn’t try to hit Steve. He just stood stiffly, making Steve work to get the tactical gear off.A pull-up was under his pants but it was overfull. 

The pants smelled of urine and dust. 

“Let’s get you cleaned up.” 

Again Bucky said something in Russian but Steve couldn’t understand him. 

Why couldn’t his handler understand him? That was odd. Maybe he wasn’t Russian? He often spoke in this language to his handlers. Steve motioned to the bed. “Lay down so I can clean you,” he ordered gently.

The soldier lay down, his body still stiff with apprehension. 

Steve got wipes and cleaned his groin and the inside of his legs. It wasn’t perfect but it would do for now. 

He got a diaper and put it under Bucky.As he pulled it up to fasten it, he saw the expectant fear of punishment in the blue eyes.“I’m not going to hurt you,” he assured him. 

When he was done, he got a pair of soft sweatpants and a T-shirt. “Get dressed.”

Without a word, the soldier put on the clothes and stood, silent, awaiting orders. 

Steve got a warm washcloth and carefully washed his filthy face and hands. 

“Time for food,” Steve said shortly. 

Bucky followed him back to the kitchen, and without even a second thought, sat on the floor beside Steve’s chair like a well trained dog. He patted his arm.

Steve was going to say something but Ruth held up a hand. 

“For now, let it go. Feed him.” She handed him a bowl of oatmeal and a spoon. 

Steve felt nauseous, wondering why Bucky would have been trained to sit on the floor and beg for food. 

He offered a spoonful of oatmeal and it quickly disappeared.Steve gave him more. 

He waited after several bites to see if Bucky would ask but he just sat there, eyes on the bowl but otherwise motionless. 

Steve finished feeding him, then said, “Ruth will wash your face.”

Again, fear crossed his face but he obediently stood up and went to Ruth. 

She carefully wiped his mouth, avoiding his teeth. Last thing she needed was a bite. She rubbed her burgeoning belly. She had to stay calm. Both for him and the baby. “At ease soldier,” she said. 

Steve went into the living room, turned on the tv and sat down. 

Bucky moved to standjust inside the door to the living room, his eyes carefully trained on the window and the door to guard his handler from any surprise attacks. He was uncertain why he didn’t have a gun. It was very odd. 

Steve couldn’t relax. He tried not to watch Bucky. It was hard not to. He figured they would need 24 hour surveillance for the next few days. He texted Fury. 

A few minutes later a knock on the door signalled that the SHIELD Director was there. 

Before Steve could even get up, Bucky was moving back into the kitchen, towards the door. 

The dark skinned Director opened the door thenput his arm up to ward off the blow to his face. 

Bucky brought his knee up into Fury’s stomach making him double over. 

Fury punched him back and grabbed his hair. “Stop!”

Yanking the director’s hand out of his hair, the soldier moved behind the Director in one smooth move, his metal arm pressed firmly against his throat and a venomous look in his eyes. He was ready to kill any perceived threat to his handler. 

Steve held up a hand. “Soldier! Stand down!”

Fury wasn’t struggling, aware that fighting would only make the soldier more aggressive. 

Slowly the metal arm loosened and Nick dragged in some deep, welcome breaths. 

“Thanks for calling off your attack dog.”

Bucky hissed at him. 

Nick slowly moved towards Steve but Bucky’s eyes never left the Director’s face. He calculated every movement. 

“Stop there,” Steve said. “We won’t aggravate the situation. He doesn’t remember you. He doesn’t remember me either. Right now I’m his handler. The one who gives him orders and takes care of him. The person who brings order to his world.”

Fury nodded slowly. “Good insight.If I hadn’t seen him two weeks ago and seen the difference, I would’ve thought you were insane. What do you need?” 

“I need the team to take turns doing surveillance. I can’t have him taking off again.” Steve grimaced. 

Fury pursed his lips. “I’ll get some people up here.”

Steve sighed.“I just need help for a few days. Maybe a week.” 

Fury glanced at the Soldier and immediately he tensed up, his metal hand curling into a fist. 

“He doesn’t miss much, does he?” Fury deadpanned. 

Steve shook his head. “The Soldier was highly trained.”

Fury moved slowly towards the door. “I’m leaving,” he said to Bucky, raising his hand. 

Bucky hurled a Russian invective at the Director but kept his place. “Ненавидеть!” 

“I’ll send Natasha in to be a translator and I’ll get Clint and a couple security guys for the first shift.”

“Thank you sir,” Steve said, moving between Bucky and Nick. “I really appreciate this.”

Fury nodded slightly and left. 

Bucky repeated the rude term and fell silent. 

Steve turned to him. “You need cleaning? You stink.”

Bucky looked at him, his face registering uncertainty. “Da.”

Steve knew that meant yes in Russian. “Let’s go get you changed.” 

Bucky followed him, head down, like a good boy.

(Ненавидеть Hate)

(голодный Hungry)

 

Bucky sat on the floor of the bedroom for several long minutes, waiting to be put in a cell. 

He hadn’t seen a cell in this place yet, but he knew after his evening feeding and changing, came the cell. He would be kept there until they needed him or wanted him for pleasure. 

He tried again to place the handler who was watching him carefully. He couldn’t recall this man ever being at the base or in the room when he was put in the chair.  

The chair. Would he be put in the chair for running away? He couldn’t remember why he’d run away. Hadn’t even realized that he’d run away until the handler had told the one eyed man. 

“Hail Hydra.” He said. 

The handler looked perplexed. “No. We don’t do that here.” 

Bucky felt confused.He had to obey.What was the order? 

The handler’s gentle treatment was putting him on edge. This was not how the Hydra agents treated him. He was The Asset. “Hail Hydra,” He said again, trying to put more strength into his words but they cracked with emotion.  

“Oh Bucky,” the handler whispered softly. “No. You don’t mean that.”

Bucky frowned. What did he mean by that? It was what all the agents said. Even though Bucky didn’t actually know why they said it. 

He had been trained to salute and say it to the people who ranked highest in Hydra. 

“Что Я должен сказать,” he asked, wondering what his handler wanted him to say. 

Steve looked at him and shook his head. 

“В я желаю,” a female voice said softly. 

He looked up to see the red haired woman that he knew. The soldier reacted immediately. “Natalia,” he said softly, almost reverently. 

She smiled. “Говорить на английском.”

He sighed softly. “Alright.” He relaxed somewhat. 

Steve wondered what she had said. He hoped that maybe they could start communicating. 

“He will try to speak English for you,” Natasha said to Steve. 

Bucky nodded slightly. 

Steve smiled a little, his face strained with worry. “Good. I was starting to think I’d need to learn Russian.”

“The Winter Soldier knows many languages,” Bucky said.“I just prefer Russian as it is my native language.”

Nat saw Steve’s face pale but he said nothing. 

“Clint should be here right away.” She got up ruffling Bucky’s hair. “I’m only a call away if you need me.”

He grasped her hand in a lingering hold, looking as though he wanted her to stay, but he didn’t ask. She was a familiar face. 

Nat paused. “You’ll be okay. I promise. Steve is a good guy.” She smiled and left.

The soldier looked at the handler. Steve. He didn’t remember the name. He remembered punching the face. 

 

_You_ _know_   _me_. 

_No! I don’t!_

 

The soldier shook his head a little toclearit. 

Steve pointed to the bed. “It’s time to sleep.”

Bucky looked at him and then at the bed.Why wasn’t he being locked up? He sighed in acceptance. 

“Ready to comply,” he said softly. 

Steve saw his pulse flutter in his throat and wondered what was upsetting him. His eyes darted anxiously around the room.

Clint walked in, making Bucky jump. “Where do you want me?” 

“Just at the bedroom door is fine.” Steve caught the look of fear on Bucky’s face. “I don’t know if he’ll sleep much.” He followed Clint to the bedroom door. 

“Fury posted two security guards at the door in case he tries to make a break for it,” Clint said. 

Steve nodded. “I’ll thank him. Something’s got Bucky freaked out.”

“He’s in a crappy headspace. He’s confused,” Clint said, settling down, stretching his long legs out. 

Steve went back into the room, to the edge of the bed and sat down, stroking Bucky’s hair softly.

Bucky sat so stiffly that Steve thought he might stop breathing.

“I’m going to bed now.” He gently forced Bucky to lay down and covered him with the blanket. “Time to sleep,” he said again. 

Bucky didn’t move and all Steve could see were his huge, blue eyes, luminescent in the dim room.He wished Bucky didn’t look so scared. 

“Good night,” he said and left. 

To Clint, he said, “Wake me in four hours.”

He and Ruth went to bed, snuggling together, but Steve was wide awake. He felt the tiny heels of his baby push against his hand as the fetus moved around while Ruth slept. 

Her earlier words bothered him. “He won’t remember this when he comes out of it. When the soldier finally lets Bucky come back again, he may only remember little bits of when he was the soldier. It’s hard to say. We may see bits and pieces of him while we deal with this.”

“But you think this is temporary?” Steve had asked anxiously. 

“I’m pretty sure it is,” Ruth assured him. “The Soldier is part of his psyche that split due to the trauma and abuse. We just have to help him through it.” 

Steve rolled over restlessly, trying to get comfortable. He decided to get up again and talk to Clint for a bit. 

Steve went to where Clint was sitting and sank down opposite him. “Can I ask you something?”

Clint shrugged one shoulder. “Sure.”

“When Loki brainwashed you, how did you deal with the trauma?”

Clint thought for a long moment. “Honestly, I’m not sure I’ve dealt with it yet. It screwed me over bad! I still get nightmares. Can’t imagine what Bucky goes through.” 

Steve became quiet, lost in thought of how Bucky must be feeling. “Should I stay with him? He seemed so scared when I put him to bed.”

“I don’t think he’s sleeping,” Clint said, “I heard him moving around.”

Steve very slowly opened the door. 

Bucky’s eyes were wide open and still fearful when he saw Steve. His blankets were a mess as though he’d been tossing and turning. 

“Ready to comply,” he said quickly, sitting up. The handler had come back. Now Bucky would be expected to pleasure him. That’s how it always was. During the night when he was vulnerable, the handlers came to seek pleasure and to hurt him. He pushed the Soldier forward rudely. 

“Comply with what?” Steve asked softly. “I don’t need you to do anything except rest.” He sat on the bed again, trying to read Bucky’s face. 

Rest. Bucky couldn’t rest. Whatever his handler wanted it was his duty, to provide. He had to be ready to meet his needs. 

Steve saw fear, a strong sense of resolve and the shuttered look of someone accustomed to being used and hurt.

When Steve didn’t do anything, Bucky asked, “I can stroke you or blow you.” He slid off the bed and knelt before his handler.

Steve took a moment before realization hit. “Neither!” He said quickly, startling Bucky, who jerked back anxiously.

Bucky shielded his face, expecting a punch.  

Steve gently rubbed his cheek. “Relax.” He patted the bed. “Come lay down.”

The soldier took almost half an hour before he finally relaxed under Steve’s gentle ministrations.

He sighed a little in contentment. Pierce had done this a time or two. Of course he had always expected more from Bucky. A blowjob, kisses, anything his depraved mind could envision. He quivered and squashed the memory solidly out of sight. 

The child came forward, slowly, leaving him open and vulnerable. He was only little. Just four years old. He slowly put his flesh thumb in his mouth and started to suck, then guiltily pulled it out. “Sorry sir.”He was not supposed to be the child in the presence of the handlers. And he wasn’t supposed to suck his thumb! 

Steve stopped his massage for a moment. “Soldier, you have permission to seek comfort.”

Bucky studied his face carefully. The soldier did not need comfort. The soldier was strong. Maybe this handler did not understand that Pierce had always encouraged the child side of him to be out at night. He slowly put the thumb back in his mouth. 

Steve continued the gentle rubbing on his stomach and was gratified when Bucky’s eyes drifted shut. 

He was still able to calm him. Even if Bucky only knew him as the handler right now, he couldstill be his friend.

(Что Я должен сказать- What do you want me to say)

(В я желаю- say I am willing)

(Говорить на английском- speak English)

 

 

When Steve woke up the next morning, the first thing he did was hurry to Bucky’s room to make sure he was okay. 

Thor held a finger to his lips. “He’s still sleeping.”

“He is?” Steve asked in a mixture of wonder and relief. 

Thor nodded. 

Steve thanked him. “I can take over now.” 

He carefully opened the door and looked in on Bucky. 

He looked peaceful, asleep with his thumb loosely in his mouth. His mouth worked sporadically to keep it in. 

He didn’t see the soldier. He saw the scared little boy that he’d seen after he had rescued the Howlies from Hydra seventy years ago. 

That memory was still clear. Bucky had been so confused and scared after Azzano but Steve had made sure he was okay. 

Steve’s heart went out to Bucky. He’d been through so much already. 

He softly shut the door and went to the kitchen. 

Ruth was starting coffee. 

“Do you remember when I told you I rescued Buck and the Howlies from Zola?” He asked. 

Ruth turned to him and put a hand on his shoulder. “Yes. Why?”

“I saw that in his face just now,” he said in a voice that was low and quiet. “The little hurt boy was so clear on his face.”

Ruth led him to the table and patted his chair. “I’m not surprised, really. It’s something that is related to the Soldier; related to Hydra. You told me it was the first time he regressed.”

Steve nodded. “Do you think he might start remembering some of that stuff? The torture that Zola put him through? Does he need to remember all that?”

Ruth smiled a little. “Healing trauma has so many aspects. I don’t know where this will go.”

Steve was about to answer when a soft whine from the kitchen entrance made them both look up. 

Bucky stood there, looking uncertain. His eyes were shuttered once again. He brought his thumb to his mouth and then shook his head, dropping his hand. 

He had put on the sweats from yesterday and was barefoot. 

“Good morning, soldier,” Ruth greeted evenly. 

Bucky glanced at her and then looked at Steve. His handler was sitting on the chair. Bucky came to him and sat on the floor again, patting his arm. 

“I’ll feed you,” Steve said, getting up. 

Ruth got up too. “I’ll make oatmeal. You get his milk.”

Steve poured milk into a cup. “Will he be able to drink out of a regular cup?”

“We’ll try,” Ruth said, taking the oatmeal out of the microwave. “If he can’t, we’ll see if he’ll take a sippy cup.”

Steve took the oatmeal and stirred it slightly, making sure the first spoonful wasn’t too hot. 

Bucky’s eyes followed the spoon eagerly. 

Steve touched his lip to the oatmeal. “Okay, Bucky. Here. Open.”

Bucky opened his mouth and swallowed quickly. He liked the nice food that his handler fed him. What he couldn’t understand was why his handler was still calling him by the strange code name. He was The Asset. 

Steve gave him a few more bites then took the cup. “You want a drink?” 

Bucky looked at the cup and opened his mouth a little. 

Steve carefully held it to his lips and tipped it up. 

Bucky took a big mouthful. It was too much and some ran down his chin and dropped onto his shirt. He wasn’t used to being given drinks freely. All his food intake was carefully measured. 

Steve grabbed a napkin and wiped the milk from his chin. 

Bucky flinched away from the napkin, his eyes huge and fearful. 

Paper masks. Pierce. He shuddered. 

“It’s okay,” Steve said softly. “I’m just cleaning your face.” He stopped moving until Bucky relaxed. 

He offered more oatmeal and Bucky hesitantly opened his mouth, his eyes darting to the napkin every few seconds. 

Steve slowly reached for the napkin, watching Bucky. 

His eyes followed Steve’s hand and his anxiety  became apparent when Steve picked it up. 

“Ruth,” Steve whispered, “Please take the napkin.”

Ruth took the napkin from Steve. “Let’s use a kitchen towel instead. Put it under his chin to have a drink.” She handed him a small towel. 

Bucky ate several spoons of oatmeal before Steve lifted the cup again. 

Bucky gave the towel a cursory glance but he was more interested in the milk. The towel didn’t bother him. 

Steve put the towel under his chin and tipped the cup up. 

Bucky drank deeply. He swallowed then coughed, spitting milk. The milk was so good! He felt it run down his chin again. 

Steve quickly pulled the cup away, wiping his chin. “You okay?”

Bucky finished coughing and nodded. “Yes sir.” 

After breakfast was finished, 

Steve took Bucky back to the bedroom. “You need to be changed.” 

Bucky nodded. “I’m sorry, sir.”

“You don’t need to be sorry, Bucky” Steve said. “I’m not upset.”

Bucky hung his head, hiding behind his hair. 

Steve didn’t bring up toilet use. The Soldier had huge toileting issues.

Stevewalked to the shelf to get supplies and heard him grunt a little. 

He let him be for a few minutes while he got a clean diaper and wipes. 

Bucky huddled beside the bed avoiding him, when Steve turned back to him. 

“Lay down so I can change you,” Steve ordered gently. 

Bucky rocked a little, face buried in his arms. He shook his head violently, pouring out words. “A dog. Should be beaten into submission. Make a mess. Hate you. You suck.” His mumbled words reached Steve’s ears. 

“Soldier, you are a good boy.” 

Bucky looked up at him, his eyes full of tears. “I’m not a good boy. I made a mess. Agents hate messes.”

Steve pulled him to his feet. 

Bucky struggled to get away but Steve hushed him. 

“Calm down.” He held him snugly. “I don’t mind your messes,” he assured. 

Once the soldier had regained his composure, Steve changed him and then dressed him in clean clothes. “Please come talk to Ruth. She has some questions for you.” 

Bucky looked confused. He didn’t like questions. He wasn’t allowed questions. The only time he answered questions was after a mission, to give a report. Maybe she wanted to know about the mission yesterday but he didn’t remember!! 

He followed his handler out to the kitchen where the woman sat with a thick paper file, a pen and what looked like dog tags. 

He looked at her and then at Steve. He stood at attention to make sure he didn’t offend the woman. Perhaps she was a general in Hydra. Or perhaps even a Colonel. 

Ruth smiled. “Please sit.”

He stiffly sat in the chair that Steve pointed to, opposite her, hands folded in his lap. 

He anxiously tried to recall if he had done wrong. He couldn’t recall his last mission. That must be what this was all about. Perhaps he was malfunctioning. 

“My name is Ruth. I’d like you to tell me about yourself.”

He hesitated. It was a trap! Maybe this was an enemy base! Had he been captured? How long since he’d been in the chair? He needed maintenance. Hydra couldn’t expect him to function well when he wasn’t maintained! They wanted answers. He couldn’t say anything! He was not given orders to speak. 

She handed him the dog tags. 

He felt the familiar shape and the cold metal in his hands. 

Without warning his head was filled with white hot memories and thoughts of Zola. He remembered Arnim Zola.Red Skull. Nazis. War. Soldiers. Azzano. Steve. He sat very still. 

 

_I_ thought you were dead.

 

His eyes burned but he looked at the tags anyway.  ‘James Buchanan Barnes.’ Something about the name seemed familiar.

Bucky. 

Suddenly the name his handler had been using made sense. But why was he calling him by a name?

With Hydra he had no name. He was just a weapon. 

Bucky couldn’t understand what his handler wanted from him. The woman asked who he was. 

He looked at the dog tags in his hand. What was the correct answer?

He needed maintenance. His brain was too loud again. The voices plagued him.

“The Asset,” he said, throwing the dog tags back at her. “I have no name. I am used to kill those who stand in Hydra’s way. They will help to make a better world.”

He squeezed his eyes shut. He WAS the Asset. Useful.

Where was Pierce? He needed Pierce. He could still the voice with the chair. He didn’t like the chair but the voices were so hard to deal with! Especially the child’s voice. 

The child cried into the deepest part of his soul. 

“I am the Asset!” He yelled, pulling at his hair, hoping the pain would silence that particular voice. The child’s voice had been clamouring to be heard for several days. He didn’t want to listen. That voice made him vulnerable; laid bare his deepest secrets and his fears. The blackest hell of his days with Hydra were hidden inside the child. He pulled harder at his hair.

Steve quickly grabbed his hands, but with no regard for his handler’s safety, Bucky threw him across the room with his left arm. 

“Leave me alone!” He screamed. 

Steve got up, rubbing his shoulder. “What’s wrong with him?”

“He’s fighting with the voices in his head. He doesn’t even see you.” Ruth watched the soldier. 

Bucky suddenly became rigid, his face blank. “Mission failed. Alexander Pierce is dead. Dead. Dead. Mission failed.” He regained control once again at least he tried to. He was the Asset. Unafraid. Not the child! With Pierce gone he never needed to be the child again!! He was able to kill a hundred men when ordered. He could-

“Bucky,” Ruth said firmly.

“I have no name!” He screamed, his calm gone again. “Do not call me that!!” That name made him think of a blonde man and good feelings. The name conjured up some sort of happiness that had been ripped away. 

He then began to cry, tears pouring down his face. “No name for the asset. No name for the child.” His wails got softer. “Just he. It only mattered what we could do for Pierce.” He keened softly then crumpled to the floor, weeping louder again, his cries becoming child like. The child was coming out. He couldn’t fight the voice any longer. The burden was so heavy. He longed for the muzzle that Hydra had kept on him. He did not want to talk. He needed his leash! 

Steve was starting to tear up. “We have to help him, Ruth!”

Ruth nodded. “He’s very disoriented right now.”

Steve gathered Bucky into his arms and like a child, Bucky curled into him, hiding his face in Steve’s chest. His sobs continued. 

Steve carried him to the couch and cuddled with him. 

Ruth brought his bear and his blanket thinking perhaps the child might accept the comforting items. 

He pulled the bear to his chest, stilling his crying almost immediately. He became so still, Steve wondered if he’d fallen asleep. 

Ruth observed him, trying to think of a way to help the traumatized man. “He’s not displaying the regressed mindset like he was before. I think this is something deeper. Something related to Hydra.”

Bucky heard them talking. They were discussing the child. It was unnerving. The child was not allowed out during the day. Why was he here? Why had he been asking to come out? The bear was soft and comforting. Pierce had never allowed him anything of comfort. The only thing he’d ever been given was a chocolate after he’d performed particularly well.

Steve frowned a little. “What use could Hydra have for a child in a man’s body?”

“They probably didn’t but something they did, produced a place in his mind that became child like, where he went for comfort. Perhaps after some particularly harsh treatment.” Ruth shook her head. 

“Poor guy,” Steve whispered, petting Bucky’s dark hair. 

Bucky slowly looked up at him. “Where is Daddy Pierce?”

Steve bit his lip to stop the harsh words he wanted to spew. “Daddy Pierce isn’t here any longer. You’re with Steve and Ruth, daddy and mama.”

Bucky’s lip quivered and he buried his face in Steve’s chest again. “Please don’t let Daddy Pierce put me in his bed again.”

Ruth sighed and looked at Steve. “I had a feeling about that.” 

“That sonofabitch is lucky he’s dead,” Steve whispered vehemently. 

Bucky looked at him. “Cut off one head and two more will grow in its place.” His voice was so quiet, Steve could hardly hear him. It gave him chills. 

Ruth had suspected that there was sexual abuse going on. Bucky had revealed a little to her here and there in his therapy sessions. 

Now that he was actually in the child mindset that Hydra had seen, she wanted to probe his memories butneeded to be careful. She didn’t want to frighten him.

“Sweetheart,” she said softly, “Can I ask you a question?”

He looked at her from his safe place, cuddled in Steve’s embrace. He nodded a little, letting the Hydra issue go.

“Were you the child when Pierce made you start wearing diapers?” It made sense that the sexual abuse had started with diapers. 

He frowned in confusion. “The Asset is not toilet trained. 

Ruth nodded. “Okay.Do you know where you are?”

His eyes darted around fearfully. “I dunno ‘zactly. I tried really hard to stay inside the Soldier. I don’t wanna get spanked.”

Ruth shook her head. “Not here you won’t, Bucky. You will never get spanked here.”

“Why do you call me that?” He asked, his eyes still glittering with unshed tears. 

Ruth closed her book. “Because. That is who you are, even if you don’t remember.” She handed him the dog tags again. 

He looked at them a long time. “What do they say?” 

“Your name,” she said quietly. “James Buchanan Barnes.”

Steve put them around his neck and kissed his cheek. Ruth watched him another moment. “How old are you Bucky?” 

He looked at her shyly and held up four fingers. 

Ruth smiled. “I’m so glad you’re here, honey.”

Ruth had put Steve’sfeelings into words perfectly. His throat was so clogged with tears he didn’t think he could speak anyway. 

“Bucky,” the boy repeated to himself. He relaxed slightly. “My name.” He held the tags in his hand, looking at the printed metal with wonder. 

“Yes,” Steve said, his voice cracking with emotion. 

Ruth smiled and got up. They had made one tiny step of progress. Of course, by tomorrow he might forget. She would have to think of ways to help him remember. 

Bucky cuddled for awhile and then got off Steve’s lap and went to stand by the doorway. 

Steve wondered if the child had been replaced that suddenly by the soldier.He felt so uneducated. He didn’t know how to relate properly to the Soldier. He had been in the Army, yes, but the Winter Soldier was slightly more intimidating. Especially when he was so quiet and just waiting for orders. 

Steve got up and saw Bucky immediately snap to attention even though he didn’t salute. 

“Ruth, Buck and I are gonna go work out for a bit,” he said. He needed to get out of the apartment. 

Ruth smiled. “Alright. Take your time. He needs something to do as well.”

Steve wondered if she would always be able to read his mind. 

He got Bucky changed and properly dressed. 

When they left the apartment he said, “ You wanna go work out? We can probably both use it. Then we’ll go see Nat.”

Bucky followed him wordlessly to the work out room. He looked around, his eyes taking in the familiar equipment. 

“Why don’t we start with the treadmill?” Steve asked. 

Bucky nodded and got on, starting at an easy pace. Steve took the other one. 

Once they were warmed up they both took a weight bench. 

Before they started, Bucky looked like he wanted to say something. 

“Do you have a question?” Steve asked calmly.

Bucky fingered the tags. “Is the Soldier’s name Bucky too?”

Steve’s heart swelled with love. “Yes it is, Soldier. You’re always Bucky.”

Bucky thought about that for a moment then lay back and started lifting. 

They didn’t talk any further. 

Steve felt the heavy strain in his biceps and enjoyed it. It relaxed the stress he’d felt the last few days. 

The work out room door opened and Natasha walked in. “Why are you guys lifting without spotters?”

Steve gently lowered the heavy weights and used a towel to wipe his face. “Nat, it’s us. We’re fine.”

“Tony’s rules,” Nat said with a shrug. 

Steve stood up. “You good now, Buck? I feel better.”

Bucky wiped his face and his bare chest before putting his shirt on again. “Training completed.”

Nat smiled. “Hey, Soldier.”

“Natalia,” he said softly. 

The three of them walked to Nat’s apartment where she tossed Steve two bottles of water. “Does he drink on his own?”

Steve shook his head. “No.” He took the towel from his shoulder. “Here Bucky. Water.” 

Bucky touched the dog tags. “I am Bucky.”

Steve smiled. “Yeah. You thirsty?” He held the towel under Bucky’s chin and tipped the bottle up slowly. 

Bucky gulped eagerly.

Steve felt water soak the towel as it ran out of his mouth. “Slow down bud. It’s not going anywhere.” 

When Bucky finally pushed the bottle away, it was three quarters empty. 

Steve smiled. “He was thirsty!”

Nat quirked her eyebrow. “Probably.” 

Steve sipped his own water and chatted with Nat. 

Bucky stayed standing, his eyes constantly roving the room for any hint of danger. After fifteen minutes or so he whined softly and Steve turned to him. “What?”

He looked at the bottle of water in Steve’s hands and hesitantly patted his arm. 

“You’re still thirsty?” Steve asked. He patted the couch. “Come sit.”

Bucky came and sat in front of him on the floor. 

Taking the towel again, Steve helped him drink. “You’re a very thirsty boy.”

“I can get you another water,” Nat said.

Steve shook his head. “Nah. We’ll go home shortly.It’s almost lunch time. I’ve gotta go see Tony for two minutes.”

“You want me to take Bucky home?”

Steve shook his head. “I’ll take him downstairs with me. He needs a change of scenery.”

They took the elevator to Tony’s lab where he was working. 

“Hey guys,” Tony greeted.

Bucky stopped just inside the door. 

“Stark!” His voice was dark and filled with hatred. 

Steve looked at him quickly. “Bucky! No! This is Tony!!” 

Tony reacted immediately. He called his suit and barely suited up before Bucky attacked him. 

Bucky screamed at him in Russian, his arm clanging noisily with the Iron Man suit. 

Steve wished he knew the language. Bucky was in a rage and he had no idea why! He finally managed to get Bucky off of Tony. “He’s my friend, Buck!” 

Bucky tried to push Steve off but this time Steve was ready. He wrapped himself tightly around Bucky, holding him firmly immobilized while he screamed and struggled. 

Tony freed himself from the suit. “What’s his deal?”

Steve held tight. “He doesn’t remember you.”

“Wow. I guess I’ll send a greeting card next time,” Tony said dryly. 

Steve tightened his grip. “Hush Bucky. It’s okay.”

The Soldier finally relaxed under him and stopped struggling. He still glared at Tony but he respected Steve’s wishes. 

“Anyway,” Steve said, stroking Bucky’s sweat damp hair, “I came to ask if you made any progress on thatdata device we found on the Hydra base last week.”

Tony shook his head. “It’s locked up tight. Unless the Metal man there can unlock it.” 

Bucky’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “I am the Asset.”

Tony tossed Steve the device they had scored from the last Hydra base they’d gone through. 

Steve shoved it in his pocket and took Bucky’s arm. “Let’s go.”

Bucky was silent in the elevator until they stopped on their floor. Then he asked, “Why does Howard Stark’s son live here?”

Steve sighed. “This is his facility. He’s part of our team.”

Bucky frowned, trying to process this.

Back in their apartment, Ruth was just getting ready to dish up lunch. “I made chilli and rice,” she said.

“I don’t know if he’ll be able to eat that,” Steve mused.

“I puréed the chilli for him,” Ruth said. “He needs decent food. He can’t live on oatmeal.”

“I’ll change him first. He’s sagging pretty good.” Steve led him to the bedroom and proceeded to change his wet diaper. 

Bucky looked at the dog tags again. “Bucky,” he whispered softly.

Finished with changing him, Steve pulled him up. “Hungry?”

Bucky patted his arm. 

They washed up and then Steve took him to the kitchen where he patted a chair. “Sit.”

The soldier looked at the chair fearfully. He started to sit on the floor. 

“No.” Steve’s voice was quiet but firm. “Sit on the chair.”

Bucky looked confused then tentatively sat down. He looked uncomfortable but Steve pulled his own chair close. “Stay.”

Bucky squirmed in agitation but sat on the chair.

Steve spooned the mixture of chilli and rice into Bucky’s mouth and wasn’t surprised that he was eating well. Between the workout and his temper tantrum he’d worked up an appetite. 

Ruth had poured milk in a sippy cup for him but he just frowned at it. “It is a children’s cup.” 

“Only because you have some trouble drinking on your own, Bucky.” Ruth explained. 

He picked it up and Steve tapped the silicone nub. “Put this in your mouth.”

Bucky obeyed and suddenly he was sucking eagerly at it. Ruth had given him chocolate milk. 

Ruth tried not to chuckle. She had hoped that it might work to get him using the cup. 

Steve finished feeding him and he finished his milk. 

“All done?” Steve asked. 

He nodded. 

“I need to know what happened in Tony’s lab. Why did you attack him?” Steve looked at him. 

“Stark is a traitor,” Bucky said blandly. “He is not faithful to Hydra. He tried to take the serum away.” 

“That wasn’t Tony,” Steve explained patiently.

Bucky’s face didn’t change. “Stark is a traitor.” He repeated.

Steve heaved a sigh. He’d known Howard Stark. He’d always kind of made it look like he was on both sides to get what he wanted. He played by his own rules, much like Tony. 

“Tony Stark is my friend. Don’t attack him anymore.”

Bucky nodded. “Yes sir.”

He absently fingered the dog tags around his neck. After several long moments of silence, he asked, “Is a Bucky a friend too? I don’t want to be the Asset anymore. I won’t attack Stark. I want to be the Bucky.”


	19. Time will Heal, Scars will stay ch 2

 It was late the next morning before Ruth got a chance to sit down with Bucky again. She was trying to gauge his mood but his face was shuttered. 

“Bucky,” she said, handing him two of the toy soldiers. 

He looked at her, and then the dolls. 

He lifted the dog tags, running his thumb over the warm metal. He hadn’t taken them off. “I am Bucky.”

“You are,” she agreed. “Can we talk about the soldier today?”

He frowned. 

Ruth knew that Bucky could probably never fully recover from the extreme amount of electric shock torture that Hydra had put him through. What she could do was help him work through what memories he did have.

“We’re going to work on bringing Bucky and the Soldier together,” she said.

He looked at her uncomfortably. “No! I don’t want to be the soldier!”

“The soldier is a part of you that Hydra coerced, manipulated and brainwashed into doing what they wanted. From that trauma, you separated the soldier from the rest of your mind so that you could protect yourself.”

He shook his head a little. “I don’t understand.”

“We need to talk about what Hydra did to you.” 

Bucky looked confused. “I don’t like talking about it. It gives me nightmares.”

“I know,” Ruth said softly. “That’s why we play.” She picked up the new Winter Soldier doll that Pepper had custom made, and put Steve doll off to the side. 

Bucky frowned.He was an assassin. Why were they playing with dolls? He picked up the Bucky doll, his eyes taking in every inch.“This is Bucky doll?”

She nodded with a smile. “Can Bucky doll show me what Hydra did?”

He fiercely shook his head then looked at the doctor patiently waiting, looking as though she would wait as long as necessary. 

He tossed about in his mind for some Hydra memory that was somewhat safe; that might not trigger the horrendous nightmares that woke him most nights. “I’ll tell you about missions.”

“Good,” she encouraged. 

“They would get me from my cell.” He began, walking back in his mind to the dank halls of the Hydra base. “Prep the soldier.” 

His thoughts were interrupted when Ruth walked Bucky Doll across the floor. 

“They changed me,” he said hesitantly. 

Ruth pulled the doll’s pants down and Bucky was delighted to see that the doll was wearing diapers too.He took one of the soldiers and smacked Bucky doll. “You stink! Stupid dog!”

Ruth didn’t say anything, she just got one of the many little diapers Pepper had designed and they “changed” Bucky. 

He pulled the pants back up and then Bucky doll was marched into a circle of soldiers. 

“Whoever was in charge would use the trigger words,”The soldier dollssaid words but not the right ones. 

Bucky doll said, “Ready to comply.”

He didn’t think about the words too much. He hated to admit he was deathly afraid of those words. 

Pierce’s voice always echoed them no matter who said them. “After that I don’t remember much other than the killing. Always remember the killing. The soldier never missed.” His voice had gone quiet. 

Bucky doll and two soldiers climbed onto the couch and Bucky made signals. He took a civilian doll and set it up on the floor. 

The gun was raised, he would fire, feel the kickback against his metal shoulder, it always stung a little in the scar tissue, and then the words, “Good work, Soldier.” 

He made the sounds and the civilian doll fell down. 

He would look down from his vantage point at the target, dying in a pool of blood. The soldier never missed. He was a trained sniper. 

“Why do you think you remember the killing?” She asked.

“I was programmed to return to my normal state as soon as the mission was complete. I would always see the target with Bucky’s eyes. When I had completed the kill, the compliance was done.”

He got the soldiers and Bucky doll. “Good work.” 

Bucky doll was gently put under the rocking chair to sleep.

He remembered after a kill, the familiar feel of a handler’s strong hand on his bicep to bring his eyes away from the dead man. The snap of the leash. “I was leashed and taken back to base where they would take the Mission report, and then the Asset would be put in either the cell or the chair.”

“Do you want to talk about the chair?” She asked. 

He shook his head. “No, Bucky doll is locked up now.”

Ruth thought for a moment then changed the subject.

“How did you feel when they said the words?” She asked softly. 

He traced his flesh index finger across the smooth lines of his metal palm. This was hard to talk about. Feelings that he didn’t want to have were wavering just under his skin. He swallowed. The soldier did not cry. Bucky did though. He chewed on his fingers. 

Ruth gently pulled them out of his mouth and gave him a nubbed blue O to chew on. He chewed on it while he worked out his answer. 

“Confused,” he finally whispered, wiping saliva off his chin with his sleeve. “Angry. Feeling like I wasn’t in control.” Why did she want to know about the words?

 

Longing. 

 

He hated that first word. He could always hear it in Pierce’s strong voice, that glint of hunger in his eye as he watched for the soldier to emerge. 

 

Rusted. 

 

Seventeen.

 

He stopped thinking. 

“Then just nothing till after the kill. Then it was guilt. I wasn’t killing bad people. I was killing people that were standing in Hydra’s way.” A tear slithered out of his eye and he angrily swiped it away with the back of his hand and put the chewie back in his mouth. 

“Why do you think you felt guilty when you had no control over your actions?” She could tell this was hitting nerves and that he would probably shut down soon. 

He hung his head, his hair covering his face. He stayed that way for a long time, thinking, reliving the memories. The worst ones. The killing of Stark’s parents.He remembered that. He’d killed senators. He’d killed fellow army veterans that had become political figures. The faces swam before his eyes as tears started falling steadily. 

Ruth wondered if he was going to answer. She sat patiently. 

“Because I still pulled the trigger,” he said dully.“I should have pulled it on Pierce and Rumlow and myself.” 

Ruth heard the deep pain in his voice. “Bucky,” she murmured, putting a hand on his knee. 

He flinched away but didn’t look up. “I shouldn’t be here. I’m dangerous.” 

“Why?” She asked bluntly.

“I can never be Bucky. I want to be but I can’t.” His voice was sad now. “I won’t ever be good enough to be that Bucky. There’s still Hydra stuff inside me.”

“You’re already Bucky. That’s not going to change,” she reasoned.

He fell silent. His left hand found the dog tags and held them gently. He wanted so badly to belong to Steve and Ruth. He didn’t want to belong to Hydra any longer. The trigger words buzzed in his head. He pushed them away. He wasn’t a killer today. 

The faces came again. There was one memory he couldn’t forget. 

They had sent him to kill a senator. Not as a sniper this time. They wanted the senator to know that the Winter Soldier existed. 

With his usual straight forward compliance, he’d stalked into the large house and made the kill. The familiar stab of guilt followed but his handler awaited outside. 

He turned to go only to see a small boy standing there, terrified. 

The boy had seen the Winter Soldier snap the neck of his target, the boy’s father. 

The look of abject horror on his small face had torn at Bucky’s emotions. 

His handler had ordered him to kill the child immediately but he couldn’t do it. 

The child had said nothing and Bucky had just walked past him. 

Later, alone in his cell, bruised and bleeding from the beating he’d received for failing the mission, he had felt sadness. 

Pierce had said killing the boy would have made him stronger.It had only made him angrier to think about it.

Ruth saw the tears dripping onto the denim of his blue jeans but didn’t move. This was so crucial but so painful. 

She was glad Steve was out with the team today. He would have a hard time with this line of questioning. 

“There was a little boy,” Bucky said, his voice soft and unsteady.

“A target?” Ruth questioned.

Bucky shook his head. “A child of -“ His voice broke and he hesitated. “Of a target.” He thought again for a long moment. “He saw me. He looked so afraid of me.”

“Had you just killed his father?” Ruth whispered. 

Bucky nodded. “I was ordered to kill him. I couldn’t. It was at that moment, that I felt like I wanted to die. That I hated what I had become, what Hydra had made me.” 

Ruth said nothing for a long moment. 

Bucky looked up, his eyes filled with tears. “I killed a man. I almost killed a child! What is there left of Bucky to love?”

“You were under someone else’s control, and you felt awful about it,” Ruth pointed out. “We’re going to work on liking the Soldier part of you. He’s not all bad.”

“I wish I could believe you,” Bucky sighed, swiping at his runny nose. 

Ruth handed him a box of tissue. “You will.” 

Bucky sat on the couch for a long time processing what had happened that day. Johnson had almost beaten him to death for failure to comply. He wondered vaguely what had happened to the little boy. Had Hydra killed him anyway? Probably. 

Ruth came back with a sippy cup of water for him. “You okay?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know yet.” He drank deeply. He could feel another headache coming on. “How do you know there’s any part of me worth liking?” He asked, rubbing at his neck. 

Ruth sat down again and gently tilted his chin to meet her eyes. “Every part of you is worth liking Bucky. You are Steve’s best friend and I am starting to see why. You are sweet and kind. You’re amazingly talented and you have a great sense of humour.” 

He quirked an eyebrow. “You see that?”

Ruth smiled. “I do see that. I like YOU.”She watched him for a moment. “Another headache?” 

Bucky nodded a little. “I’m fine though.” 

Ruth got up. “Okay. I love you my Bucky boy.” She kissed his forehead. 

He watched as she walked towards the kitchen. Maybe there was something in him worth liking. Maybe Bucky was still inside of him somewhere. Somehow, talking about Hydra today had made some of the burdensome memories lighter. He clutched the dog tags.

Hydra seemed far away. They couldn’t touch him here. He could relax.

He put the metal of the dog tags to his cheek. He belonged here. 

He got up and went to the kitchen. “Ruth,” he said shyly, “I’m wet.” 

She took him to the bedroom and changed his soggy diaper. “There you go.” She patted his thigh. 

He followed her back to the kitchen, taking the cookie she offered him. 

He sat on the floor happily. He didn’t have to think about Hydra or Pierce until he was ready. 

The apartment door opened and Steve came in from his meeting, looking very grim.

Ruth looked concerned. “Steve? What is it?” 

Steve looked at both of them and swallowed hard. “Dammit all, Ruth! They found Pierce.”

Bucky stopped all movement. The blood in his veins turned to ice. His whole body froze like it used to in cryo. Except he couldn’t fall into black nothingness. Words hammered in his head. They found Pierce. 

Pierce was dead! He was supposed to be dead! The vague picture of the Hydra Director swam in his mind. Pierce. Had been found. Found his body?

“Alive?” He asked faintly.

Steve looked at him. He said something but Bucky couldn’t hear it over the panic rushing in his ears. 

His world was starting to spin. He gripped his dog tags desperately. Real. He was the Bucky. He wasn’t the Asset. He belonged to Steve and Ruth. Belonged here. Not with Hydra. The metal dug warm and comforting into his flesh palm. 

Steve looked at Bucky with sad eyes. “Sorry honey. Yeah. He is alive. And he got away from the two SHIELD agents who found him.”

Bucky’s heart pounded so uncomfortably hard. He could feel it in his flesh fingertips. He stood up to escape to his room. His vision was blurry. He wet the dry diaper that Ruth had just changed him into. His dry mouth wouldn’t form any more words even though he tried. He needed to go. He couldn’t stay. Pierce knew where he was! He suddenly knew that with startling clarity. 

He felt as though he was floating in a crashing sea of anxiety. His brain wasn’t allowing any clear thought to exist. “He’s supposed to be dead,” he whispered finally. “He needs to be dead.”Pierce couldn’t be alive! They had told him he was shot in the chest. It had to be a mistake. 

The child inside of him wailed in fear. He was afraid he was going to soil himself as well! His stomach clenched hard. Bucky struggled to breathe pulling in tight little gasps of oxygen. 

The face. Pierce’s face loomed in his memory so close he could see every line, every wrinkle, the coldness in the eyes as he forced Bucky into the damned chair that had taken so much. 

Unbidden, the other face of his nightmares also came to him. Rumlow, taunting, hitting, telling him he would always be there to rule the Asset. That Bucky would never get away. Never get away! He couldn’t belong to Steve and Ruth if Pierce was alive! 

He tightened his grip on the dog tags desperately swallowing the bile that came into his throat. He didn’t want to vomit! Such weakness in front of his handler meant punishment.  His knees were shaking and his vision was starting to fade. He had to hold on. He had to....

Ruth looked at Bucky’s face, which had turned a frightening, ghostly white.“Steve! He’s going to faint.”

Steve stepped forward quickly just as Bucky collapsed. He caught him and gathered him in. “I shouldn’t have said anything in front of him. Poor guy. I wonder what he’s feeling! It was a shock to all of us!” 

“How did that monster survive?” Ruth demanded angrily. “You said he got shot!” She gently helped Steve lay Bucky on the floor with his head and shoulders cradled in Steve’s lap.

“The story that’s going around is, it seems that some Hydra agents managed to get to him before his heart stopped and save his scum bag life!” 

Ruth snorted. “Why do those guys always seem to come back??” 

Steve tenderly smoothed back Bucky’s dark hair. “I don’t know Ruth. We have to protect him. He’s so hard on himself. He blames himself for everything Hydra forced him to do.”

Ruth nodded. “I know. Poor baby. Speaking of being forced, I’m sure Brock was also thrilled, considering he wanted to kill Pierce.”  She scowled, running a wet cloth gently over Bucky’s forehead. 

“He’s in medical right now because he lost his shit.” Steve sighed. 

Ruth could tell by Steve’s language how rattled he was. 

“We’ll get through this,” she said softly, kissing his forehead. He looked at her and smiled a little, hoping she was right. 

Bucky was starting to come around. His stomach hurt unbearably. He was gonna puke. He gagged slightly.

“He’s so pale,” Steve worried. “Ruth! Get a bucket, he’s starting to heave!”

Ruth grabbed a bucket and got it under Bucky’s chin just in time for him to throw up. She held his hair back, murmuring soft words of comfort.

Bucky could feel his stomach still rolling. He wasn’t done yet. He never had handled shock well. He gagged as the next wave of nausea caused him to vomit again. 

Ruth pressed a cool cloth against his face once he could breathe and was sure his stomach was done expelling. 

Ruth took the pail away.

Bucky leaned against Steve weakly, trying to get his erratic breathing under control.

The child was fighting and clawing its way to the surface. The mention of Pierce was so damning, he couldn’t fight the youngster inside him anymore. 

“Pierce will find me,” he gasped out, tears filling his eyes. 

“He won’t,” Steve promised. He kissed Bucky’s hair. “I won’t let him.” 

”I’m afraid,” Bucky cried softly, burying his face in his hands. The child was so afraid, wanting to be safe. He wanted to trust Steve. 

“If he comes within a hundred feet of this place I’m putting my heavy skillet to good use on the side of his head!” Ruth threatened. 

Bucky had to giggle through his tears at the thought of Ruth accosting Pierce with the frying pan. 

“I don’t think he’s stupid enough to have stayed in DC,” Steve said. “He’s probably skipped the border already. He knows we’re onto him.

Bucky looked at Steve. He wasn’t so sure. Even while panic and terror warred for his attention he breathed slowly. He had to find the soldier. 

“How are you feeling?” Ruth asked. 

He shook his head to regain control. Soldier. Not the child. He forced every last bit of energy into crushing the raging emotions into a box to deal with later. 

He got to his feet, leaning heavily on the table. “I’m fine, thank you.”

Steve could see he wasn’t “fine” but didn’t say anything. 

Ruth frowned, deep in thought. “How did SHIELD lose him??”

Steve shrugged. “I haven’t gotten the whole story. I’m going to go talk to Agent Rumlow.”

Bucky looked at him, confused. “Agent Rumlow. He is a Hydra agent.” A sudden dark image pressed against the corridors of his recent memory. He had seen Rumlow when he was away from Steve and Ruth. WhenHydra had called the Asset. 

He heard Steve talking and tried to fight off the haze of confusion to hear what he was saying. 

“Not anymore. He has switched allegiance to SHIELD.” Steve smiled. 

Bucky thought about it for a moment. He had questions for the man. “Can Igo with you?”

Steve glanced at Ruth. “We’ll be back.”

She nodded, running her hands through her hair nervously. “Take care of Bucky,” she said. 

Bucky walked silently with Steve, his eyes icy and his jaw hard. He looked straight forward, without a word.

Rumlow was being held in the medical wing of the Avengers compound after havinga major meltdown on finding Pierce. He was being held for observation and to make sure he was mentally stable.

Steve glanced at his companion, glad he wasn’t the target of Bucky’s wrath! He saw the soldier clenching his metal hand. There was rage burning in his eyes. He had a bad feeling Bucky had a mission in mind. He hoped it didn’t include tracking down Pierce. 

They got down to the medical bay and saw Fury in the main lobby. He looked up as Bucky and Steve strode in. 

“Hi,” Fury greeted, eyeing Bucky’s defiant stance. “I’m good, thanks. No need to attack.”

Bucky snorted derisively, but said nothing.

“We’d like to talk to Rumlow. Is he awake?” Steve asked quietly.

Fury continued to study Bucky. “Yeah. He is. Keep your bodyguard on a tight leash. Rumlow’s not in a good frame of mind.”

“We’re just here to talk,” Steve said. “The news about Pierce kind of sent Bucky for a loop too.” Steve glanced at the soldier standing like a stone statue beside him. He was so tense, Steve could feel it. 

Bucky didn’t say anything to the dark skinned SHIELD Director. He didn’t completely trust Fury. He was only here to see Rumlow and to get his questions answered. He needed to know how they had control of the Asset even now! 

Steve took Bucky’s elbow. “C’mon.”

Bucky followed Steve down the stark, white hallway to the large bay at the end. The strong smell of medical grade disinfectant coupled with the underlying scent of medications and hospital food made his already sensitive stomach recoil again. 

Rumlow looked up when they entered, his face haggard. “Hey.” He glanced at Bucky. Something had changed. The face looked familiar. 

“Hi.” Steve greeted. “How are you feeling?” 

Rumlow looked beat. 

Steve could see the anger in his dark eyes. 

“Like I wanna kill someone,” Brock snarled, giving Steve a look. “How do you think I feel? I saw the scum who ruined my life.”

Steve watched him for a moment. “You were with the team that found Pierce’s hideout?”

Rumlow nodded. “I wanted to kill the bastard!!”

Bucky gave him a long look. “Did you know Secretary Pierce was alive?”

Rumlow gave Bucky a confused look. “The soldier?”

Steve nodded a little. “Something triggered the soldier several days ago and we can’t snap him out of it.”

Brock stared at Bucky openly now, seeing the cool, calculating gaze in those blue eyes. Fuckin hell , it had worked....There was the soldier. Complete and ready for a mission. He hadn’t honestly believed Pierce that the gadget would work. He had to let Pierce know. They’d wondered if the Asset was lost forever. Stupid Falsworth had lost the damn second remote for the soldier.He had the weak one on his watch. That was it. And Pierce had the other one. 

“How are you, Soldier?” He gave a smug smile curling his lips,  feeling the familiar power over the soldier curl in his belly.

“No.” Bucky said, his gaze piercing through Brock’s reverie.

“What?” Rumlow asked. “I don’t understand.”

“You did not trigger the Asset. I am the Bucky now. I belong to Steven Grant Rogers.” His voice was steady, strong and icy.

Bucky’s cold look actually made him shiver. He knew the soldier was smart and had an uncanny ability to read people. He’d only been on this side of the soldier once or twice. He didn’t like it. 

Steve frowned. Maybe seeing the former Hydra agent wasn’t the best idea. Bucky seemed really on edge, like he was thinking Brock had something to do with Pierce’s sudden appearance. 

“How didPierce survive?” Bucky asked. 

Rumlow raised an eyebrow, reaching for his watch. 

Bucky saw the movement and in a lightning quick move, he grabbed Rumlow’s arm. 

“How?!” Bucky demanded, tightening his grip.

“I don’t know!” Rumlow shot back, frustrated that Bucky was stopping him. “I work for SHIELD now, buddy. I just saw Pierce today for the first time. It was a shock!”

Bucky’s face didn’t change, but he dropped Rumlow’s arm and stepped back to just within the door.He stared at Rumlow’s face until the man started squirming. 

“Maybe. But you knew he was alive.” Bucky’s words were harsh. They hung in the air like a dark omen.

Steve looked at Bucky, then at Brock. “I think he’s...confusing your past role as a Hydra agent with now. He’s forgotten stuff.”

Brock’s face paled a little. “That’s probably it. You know, I think you guys better go. I don’t really feel up to talking about Pierce right now.”

Steve felt disappointed. He’d hoped maybe Rumlow had some further intel. 

Bucky resisted when Steve took his elbow and then let Steve take him out, tossing one more glowering glance at the agent on the bed.

Steve wanted to get Bucky back to relative calm. The soldier was livid with controlled rage. 

Fury saw them from behind the lobby desk. “Did Rumlow talk?”

Steve shrugged. “Not really.” Bucky glared at the director and strode out of the medical wing. 

Steve hurried to catch up. Even for the Soldier he was acting weird. He seemed jumpy and ready to wrap that damn metal arm around someone’s throat.

Fury raised an eyebrow. “Okay. Catch y’all later.” He called. 

Bucky waited for Steve again just outside the elevators, silent and brooding. His fears were confirmed. Rumlow had given him all the confirmation he needed.He’d interrogated enough people to recognize the signs when someone was lying. 

Steve watched him and finally dared to break the silence. “Can I ask you a question?” He probed, once they were in the elevator. 

Bucky nodded slightly. “Yes Sir.”

“Did you recognize agent Rumlow?” Steve asked.

Bucky’s blue eyes drilled into him. “Yes Sir.”

“Did you see something I missed?” Steve asked in confusion. 

“He is a Hydra Agent.” The Soldier’s jaw tightened. 

“A SHIELD Agent,” Steve corrected. 

Bucky looked at him, his face blank now except for the slight twitch above his right eye that told Steve he was angry.

“He is Hydra,” Bucky said firmly. There was no doubt in his mind that Rumlow was in SHIELD to keep an eye on Bucky.

Steve looked at Bucky, wishing he’d give him his reasoning. Surely Bucky had just forgotten the events of the last few months. 

“Not anymore,” Steve continued eagerly. “We helped him. He stayed with us until a few months ago. We helped him get free from Hydra. He works for SHIELD now.” Steve wanted Bucky to remember. 

Rumlow could be valuable in helping Bucky remember things about Hydra. Maybe to help him work through some of the memories that were coming back! He knew they were hard.  “He can help you remember the Hydra memories and heal!” 

Steve looked at Bucky, “He is different now. He wants to help us take down Hydra. He’s a good Asset for SHIELD.”

Bucky looked at him steadily but said nothing further. Rumlow was a damn good actor. He’d fooled everyone, including Bucky. Again. He’d promised Bucky would never escape. He was right. 

Steve frowned. “You were with us when we rescued him from Hydra, Buck. I guess you just don’t remember.”

The elevator doors slid open and the Soldier stepped out turning back to pin Steve with a steely gaze.

“I remember,” was all Bucky said.

Back in their apartment, Steve was trying to think. Bucky was obviously upset. 

“Bucky, can we talk for a minute?” He asked finally.

The soldier gave him a cool look. “Do you wish to discuss Agent Rumlow?”

Steve thought his answer over carefully. “I would like to know why you think Agent Rumlow is still Hydra.”

Bucky studied Steve as though trying to memorize his face. “I did think he had subjected himself to the SHIELD terms until it became known that Alexander Pierce was still alive. At that moment I knew that Rumlow would never switch allegiance while Pierce was alive. I’m certain he was sent here to assure that my location was kept secure. He told me I could never be free.”

Steve thought that over. To his chagrin, it made total sense and sounded like something Hydra would definitely do! “So you think that Rumlow knew where Pierce was all along?” 

Bucky shrugged slightly. “I saw Rumlow when I was away from you.” Bucky sighed deeply, as though even admitting that he hadn’t stopped the man was a burden to his soul. 

Steve pulled him in for a gentle hug even though Bucky stood stiffly. “It’s okay. You had the presence of mind to escape.”

“It was the child. Vulnerable. Upset. They called me and I had to go. When they saw me I ran but they know now that they still control the Asset. He must have been watching.” Bucky thought for a moment. “There’s something inside me that they use to control me!”

Bucky fidgeted nervously, his fingers dancing over the dog tags that he refused to take off and then dropping to his thigh where he tapped nervously. 

The headache suddenly returned stronger and he winced grabbing at his head.He had a feeling it had something to do with Rumlow. 

Ruth got some Tylenol and a cup of water and helped Bucky take the pills. “My poor Bucky.”

He still didn’t understand why she cared. 

A knock on the door was followed by Fury warily poking his head around the door. “Rogers, I need a word.”

Steve got up. “I’ll be right back.”

Nick walked Steve out of the apartment. “So, Rumlow told me what Barnes said to him.”

Steve studied the serious face. “Okay. And?”

Fury pursed his lips and considered his answer. “I started looking back on all his activity since he started at SHIELD.” 

Steve tried to wait patiently. Fury couldn’t be rushed. 

“Barnes may be right. There were some fishy phone calls ; a few unauthorized disappearances a while back.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “Bucky’s rarely wrong. He has a knack for reading people.”

Fury looked sternly at him. “If Barnes can give me any hard evidence, that would really help.”

“I’ll talk to him,” Steve promised. “But he’s not in great shape right now. He’s been having a lot of headaches.” 

Fury frowned. “You think it’s got something to do with Rumlow?” 

“Not sure, but I aim to find out,” Steve vowed.

He watched the director walk away and wondered if Bucky was right about Rumlow. It sounded like Hydra but Rumlow had also seemed legitimately changed when Nick had taken him back into SHIELD a few weeks ago. Would he be able to blindside them so thoroughly?

What about Bucky’s headaches? Apparently Hydra did have something to do with them if what Bucky was thinking was correct. 

When Steve got back Ruth was trying to talk to Bucky who was crying again. 

“His head hurts.” Ruth was rubbing his back. 

He pulled his best friend into his arms and held him tight. “I’ll keep you safe,” he whispered. 

Bucky lifted his tear stained face to Steve’s. “I’m so tired. Can Bucky sleep?”

“Yes buddy. You can.” Steve stroked his cheek.

With a wavering sigh Bucky stopped crying as hard, whimpering into Steve’s shoulder. A hiccuping sigh followed. 

Bucky finally settled, putting his thumb in his mouth, his eyes sleepy. 

Steve got up. “Let’s put you to bed, Bucky.” 

The boy followed Steve to the bedroom, and cuddled into the warm blankets holding the teddy bear tightly. He was afraid to sleep tonight. His head still hurt. “‘M scared of goin’ to sleep.”

Steve saw his fear. “l will sleep here with you tonight. Just to make sure you’re okay.”

The boy nodded and closed his eyes. He would be safe to sleep. Steve would keep his Bucky safe. 

Steve sat on the bed until Bucky was asleep then went and talked to Ruth about his plan to sleep in Bucky’s room for the night. 

“I think it’s a good idea,” she said.“We don’t need him getting that scared again.”

Steve kissed her softly.“I know.It’s been rough the last few days. I feel like I should be doing more to help Bucky but I feel helpless at the same time.”

Ruth stroked his cheek. “I know sweetheart. Being there for him is the important part.” 

She rubbed her baby belly and he put his hand on it, feeling the baby squirm. “You think it’s a boy or a girl?” 

She laughed. “I don’t know, Steve. We’ll find out in six weeks or so.” 

They sat in silence for awhile longer and then Steve said he was tired. He wasn’t physically exhausted as much as emotionally and mentally. 

He kissed Ruth again, holding her close. “You want to sleep in Bucky’s room tonight too?” 

She shook her head. “I prefer our bed. I have a hard enough time sleeping.”

He wished her a good night, walking her to their room, before going to Bucky’s room and climbing into the bed with his best friend. 

Bucky wasn’t sleeping very soundly because he moved as soon as Steve lay down but as soon as he realized it was Steve, he cuddled in and relaxed. 

The familiarity of it made Steve happy. So much had changed in the last while. He felt paranoid knowing there was a fucking Hydra agent in the compound though. 

“Jarvis,” he whispered. “Keep my family safe.”

“I will do my best, Captain,” the AI said softly. 

He lay awake for some time, thinking about it. Hydra had caused him so much pain. 

The memories of Erskine’s experiment came back. He’d never really talked about it to anyone. 

It had hurt like hell when the serum went in. He’d thought he was going to die. Then suddenly he’d felt his body changing and it had been strange and scary and amazing to suddenly go from being less than five feet and under a hundred pounds to six feet tall and almost two hundred pounds of pure muscle. Erskine was a great man. Hydra had taken him away. 

He had always thought he wanted the girls to look at him like they’d looked at Bucky but when he could’ve had every girl’s attention, he no longer wanted it. He just wanted to fight for his country. Not dance around in some stupid suit. 

Hydra had taken Bucky away. 

He thought about Brock Rumlow and the fact that he was probably Hydra. If he wanted Bucky, he’d have to go through Steve! 

His reverie was interrupted when Bucky stirred and mumbled something, then whimpered. 

Steve rubbed his back soothingly. “Hush sweet baby. It’s alright.” 

Bucky had called Steve sweet baby whenever he was sick, before the war. He smiled. 

Bucky was definitely more baby than Steve had been but it didn’t matter. 

He thought about his baby with Ruth. He was so excited to make the acquaintance of his son or daughter. 

He finally drifted off into a deep sleep. 

Jarvis tried to wake him. But Steve was out cold. 


	20. Time Will Heal, Scars Will Stay ch 3

Steve slowly came out of a deep sleep to insistent pounding on the apartment door. 

Bucky started stirring too. 

Steve got up, hurrying as much as his half awake brain would let him. Why was someone pounding this early? 

He opened the door to find Nick, Natasha, Clint, Tony and Bruce all clustered around his door. 

He blinked sleepily. “Uh....hi?” He wondered immediately what the emergency was. 

Nick came in, looking around. “Sleeping in?” 

Steve glanced at the clock. NINE AM??!! “Yeah I guess....” he trailed off faintly. How had he slept till nine?? 

Bucky appeared, rubbing his eyes sleepily as well. 

“It’s been a rough few nights,” Steve said. “Guess we were tired.”

He glanced at the coffee maker. Odd. Ruth was still asleep? The baby usually got her up to have breakfast by 7:30. 

“Let me go wake Ruth and I’ll make coffee.” 

“Hold on,” Fury said. “I’m not just here as a wake up call. Rumlow went missing from the medical bay last night. We thought we’d better come and make sure Bucky was here.”

Steve frowned. “You think he was taken? Or he left?”He glanced at Bucky. He seemed intact. 

“Thinking he left,” Bruce said. “No sign of a fight. Nothing out of place.”

Steve sighed. “Kinda makes our Hydra theory a little more realistic.”

He finished with the coffee maker and turned it on. “Be right back. I’ll go wake Ruth up.”

He went to their room and tapped softly on the door. “Ruth, honey. We kinda slept in. I’m making coffee. You wanna get up?”

When there was no response, he slowly opened the door.

It took him a moment to take it in. The messy bedclothes, the tipped chair, a broken lamp. 

His heart started pounding. “Ruth?” He rushed to their bathroom. His knees almost gave out when he saw streaks of blood on the floor and the sink. 

On the mirror, in dripping spray paint were the words “Hail Hydra.” 

“Fury!” He bellowed. 

Running feet followed his cry and a moment later his teammates were around him, asking a hundred questions he didn’t have answers for. 

Steve came into the bedroom and saw Bucky examining a small piece of glass or something. 

His thoughts were coming in exclamation points! Hydra! Had Ruth! His baby! He was going to kill them!! He tried to breathe and focused on the situation. 

“What did you find, Buck?” He asked. 

“I recognize this.” Bucky held up a small, empty, hypodermic needle.

“Steve.” He looked ready to cry. “Hydra took Ruth and our baby!”

Steve stood there uncertainly. What was he going to do? 

“Why would Hydra take Ruth?” Fury asked in confusion, picking through the mess. 

Clint was eyeing the broken window lock. 

Bucky slowly stood up. “Because Steve stopped me from leaving yesterday and they couldn’t get to me. They’re going to blackmail Steve into giving me back to them.” His bravado wavered and tears came to his eyes. 

Steve was next to him immediately, his mind on Bucky. “Not gonna happen, sweetheart! We’ll find a way to get Ruth back.”

”Won’t rest till we do,” Tony promised.

Nat looked around the room, looking for any missed clues. “You have any idea where they might have taken her, милая солдат?” 

Bucky smiled a little at her calling him a sweet soldier. He thought for a few minutes, letting the soldier’s programming take over. There were many Hydra bases. He had to think like the soldier. 

He strode into the bathroom and looked at the blood and the red paint. The thick paint was still tacky. 

“Three point five hours in transport would put them at approximately 23 miles out of Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania. The Hydra base there is a warehouse. 

There is also a Hydra base of operations in Bedford, Virginia. These places would both be ideal for Secretary Pierce and Agent Rumlow to secure Ruth for questioning and other tactics.” 

Nat looked at Steve. “Get him ready! Wheels up in fifteen!”

.......

Ruth tried not to let on how afraid she was. She had to be calm. For the sake of her baby. Her hands were tied and resting on her belly, her mouth gagged. 

Rumlow had actually apologized but said they needed Bucky back and if she and Steve weren’t so damn protective, he would’ve been able to take him with the device. 

Ruth was infinitely glad they hadn’t gotten Bucky. It would have meant a complete breakdown for the poor man. She was afraid for her baby though. For the first hour and a half of this damn trip she’d sat there, trying her best to ignore the anxious cramping in her lower belly. 

The driver of their vehicle hadn’t looked back and it had been probably at least an hour.

Rumlow was asleep against the window now, snoring, his mouth hanging open and drooling a little. He was beside her, supposedly guarding her.

With very slow careful movements she lifted her hands to the pocket on her nightshirt. It was there. 

She didn’t know how Rumlow could be so stupid to not notice or if he still trusted her somewhat, but he hadn’t searched her at all. 

She’d managed to sneak her phone into her shirt pocket before they’d grabbed her. She’d tucked her phone under her pillow last night in case Steve would need her. Now it stood her in good stead. 

She managed to pull it out inconspicuously. She dropped it to her lap, covering it with her hands, still keeping a wary eye out. The driver glanced into the mirror and caught her eye. She looked back at him without breaking eye contact. He finally looked away again. 

She looked down long enough to fade the brightness as low as it would go and pulled up the messages. The last one she’d texted was Nat. Perfect. She just texted “Taken. Rumlow. Help.”

........

They were about to board the jet when Nat’s phone went off. 

“It’s Ruth!” She exclaimed in surprise. 

Fury immediately nodded. “She’s a smart girl!”

Steve felt some relief. Ruth had figured a way to get help!

Fury traced her phone. “Got her! Let’s go!”

”All of us?” Steve asked.

”We can use Barnes’ help to find the location,” Nick said. 

Bucky sat close to Steve but didn’t move. His face was tight with poorly disguised panic. 

Steve glanced at him a few times. “It’ll be okay, bud.” 

“Barnes!” Fury interrupted about twenty minutes later. “Is there a safe house or base up this way? We’re headed south west.”

Bucky looked at Fury with a look of slight disdain. 

“Yes Sir. A a safe house. In the woods.” 

“Where can we land the jet?” Clint asked.

”There is a landing strip,” he told them. 

The tiny abandoned airstrip was a good long walk from the safehouse but that didn’t bother them. It was much easier to stay quiet on foot.

Bucky immediately got out, stopping and looking around, every one of his senses on high alert. He could sense the Hydra agents in the area. 

Nick beckoned his team in. “We’ll let Barnes show us to the safe house, surprise Rumlowwhen he shows up, and hopefully nab Pierce too. Cap it’s your responsibility to make sure Barnes stays out of their reach.”

Bucky tossed him a look but didn’t contradict him. He knew how to avoid trouble. He was here to get mama. His mission, his goal. The only one he would listen to was Natalia or Steve. 

They started off, trying their best to be as silent as the Winter Soldier. He made no noise at all, as he made his cautious way into the trees, unerring in his goal. They had walked for almost an hour when he stopped. 

“There,” he whispered softly, pointing his metal thumb forward. 

The house almost looked as if it had sprung up and grown there naturally among the trees. It blended in. 

It was a bungalow style with a low slightly slanted roof, green with moss. The log walls were also well worn, speaking to the age of the place. 

Nick held up a finger. “We wait.” He checked his phone and to his surprise, he had service. He could see the little blinking light that was Ruth’s phone. They weren’t too far away. 

Four agents came out of the house a few minutes later and the SHIELD team shrank back into the shadows of the trees. 

“He’s bringing her in,” one agent said into his radio. “They’re almost here.” 

Clint lifted his bow and silently let an arrow fly, hitting the man right between the shoulder blades. 

He fell unconscious and Bucky was out of the trees and back with the unconscious agent before anyone could stop him. He quickly carried him to a tree and tied him firmly to it.  

Steve took the radio. “Don’t pull that again!” He scolded in a whisper. 

Bucky gave him a cool look. “I came to save Mama.”

Pretty soon there came a “Grashin? Do you see them?” 

Clint grabbed it. “Yes! I see the car now!”

Another agent started running towards the spot, gun ready, presumably to keep Ruth in line. 

Clint shot him in the neck and he joined Grashin on the tree within fifteen seconds. 

Steve was getting angry. Bucky was doing his own thing and he was going to get killed! 

Bucky grabbed a gun, feeling it’s familiar weight. It felt good in his hands. He raised it, sighting with his left eye and feeling the confident jolt of doing something good. He was doing a good job. He kept it steady, following the slow moving car. One shot and the driver would be dead.... His finger rested on the trigger, all his training coming back in a rush. 

Steve looked at him. “Buck, maybe give the gun to Nat.”

“No!” He said. “Target almost acquired.”

Steve glanced at Nick. “Nick! Get the gun away from him! He’s slipping into the soldier mindset fast!”

Fury tried to grab him. “Gimme the gun.”

Bucky threw Fury off easily. “I’m fine! I know what I’m doing!” He didn’t know what Steve was freaking out about. The soldier was needed here! 

“I have to save mama!” He yelled.

Steve, Clint, Nat and Fury attacked him together in the next moment and wrestled the gun away from him. He grappled to hold onto it, fighting all four of them but it was too much.

He went down heavily, glaring at them all. 

Nick disabled his arm and slapped a pair of handcuffs on him. 

Bucky was throwing a tantrum now. 

“Get him back to the jet!” Fury commanded quietly. “He’s too unstable to be here.”

Steve agreed wholeheartedly. He wished they’d never come. Bucky was struggling enough with memories and instability as it was. 

“Bucky, settle down!” Steve pleaded. He hoisted the kicking screaming soldier onto his shoulder and started off at a quick jog.

They got to the jet but Bucky was still trying to kick him. 

Steve looked around for a distraction and suddenly spotted the Hydra tech in his backpack that Tony had asked about the other day. “Bucky, do you think you can unlock this thing? Do you know what it is?”

Bucky stopped his tantrum and Steve slowly unlocked the cuffs. 

Bucky looked at the device, turning it over several times in his hands. “Where was it found?”

“In an old locker room.” Steve watched the former Hydra assassin focus completely on what he was doing. Bucky was so smart with things like this. 

Bucky ran a metal finger over a small indent in the center of the device.

At first nothing happened then suddenly a blue light flashed and Bucky screamed, grabbing his head and falling to the floor hard, cracking his head on a metal seat frame as he went down. 

He screamed in pain, writhing and kicking. 

Steve’sfist came down hard on the device silencing it at once. He stared at Bucky in concern. 

Bucky continued to cry, babbling in Russian, his hands pulling at his hair. He was clearly in distress. 

Steve growled something about “stupid Hydra bastards” and hauled Bucky onto his lap. 

Steve wiped the tears on Bucky’s cheeks. 

“Sorry buddy,” Steve said softly. 

Bucky shook hard, trying to breathe. “H-h-hurts!” He gasped.

“I’m sorry.” Steve said, holding Bucky tight. 

Bucky started to relax then blinked slowly, feeling out the pain in his head. He put his flesh fingers to the back of his head and they came away bloody. “Ow.”

Steve tightened his grip around his waist. “I know Buck, I’m sorry. I didn’t catch you in time! We’ll get it washed off, okay?”

Bucky didn’t know where he was at the moment or how he’d gotten there. Not that it was anything new. He vaguely knew this blonde man. He seemed familiar and comforting. St- Stan? St- Stacey? ....Stevie! Steve. Yeah. He was uncomfortable and his head hurt a lot! His lower lip quivered. Tears started to roll down his cheeks. 

“Hey Bucky, it’s okay,” Steve said gently. “Why are you crying again. Does your head still hurt?”

“Ow!” He reiterated, not sure what other words he could think to use right now. 

Bucky was an adult, he had an adult body, but he was just a little boy who needed to be looked after right now. 

Steve looked at the back of his head. “Let’s get your head cleaned up.” He could see the blood still seeping into Bucky’s long hair. 

Bucky stood up, almost falling over because he got really dizzy. 

Steve caught him. “Buck?”

Bucky turned to him with a somewhat glazed look. 

“Do you know who I am?” He asked. 

“You’re Steve,” he said in a small, hesitant voice.

“Good, and who are you?” Steve asked, wondering if the knock to the head had shaken something loose.

“‘M Bucky,” he mumbled feeling tears threaten again. A few ran down his nose. 

Steve stroked his shoulder. “Don’t cry, baby.” He studied him for several long minutes. “We’ll make it all better.”

//////

 Back in the woods, Clint was stringing another arrow. “There’s a driver and Rumlow in the car,” he said.“Who knows how many inside the house.”

Nick pondered for a moment. “We’ll just have to do what we can. Leaving Ruth here isn’t an option. She’s pregnant with Cap’s baby.”

Nat was putting on her gloves. “Let’s go.”

Tony touched his nanotech watch and it only took a moment to let his suit materialize. “The biggest thing is getting to Ruth, unharmed. I can guarantee you, if they even so much as touch her, I will kill them. I can get her and fly her to the jet.”

Nick thought that over and nodded. “That’s good. Just get your ass back here as soon as she’s there.”

“Yes sir,” Tony grinned, giving a mock salute. 

They watched as the sleek car pulled to a stop. 

Nat was tense, posed like a feral cat ready to strike. 

Clint had no problem seeing her biting Rumlow’s head off. Literally.

Rumlow started getting out of the car and stopped. “Something’s off.” He eyed the trees suspiciously.

“What?” The driver asked, looking around. “Looks clear to me.”

Rumlow slowly looked around,trying to place his feeling. He’d been trained to listen to his gut instinct. It was telling him that something wasn’t right. “No....it’s,” he paused, frowning. “I feel like I’m being watched.” 

Clint slowly looked at Nat. “Damn,” he mouthed. They stayed frozen, not moving a muscle. Rumlow was too intuitive. That’s what had made him such a good agent.That’s what also made him such a good liar. 

After what seemed like an eternity to the SHIELD team, Rumlow finally moved. Still tossing hesitant glances around, he bent down into the car and pulled Ruth out. 

As he did, her phone fell from her tied hands, before she could get a tighter grip. She swore to herself. 

It took him only a moment to figure out what it was. Then he exploded. “ HOW THE FUCKIN HELL DID YOU GET YOUR PHONE ?!!  DID YOU CONTACT SOMEONE ?!”

Ruth cowered, waiting to be struck by Rumlow’s hand which he had raised in an irate moment of anger. 

He wanted to hit her. With everything in him he wanted to slap her for making this so troublesome! But he couldn’t. Seeing her tied hands covering her burgeoning stomach to protect her baby as best she could, stopped him. Somehow he was still too human! 

His thoughts were interrupted by a snap of a branch in the trees. He KNEW he’d been watched!! “Who did you call?!” He yelled at Ruth but he was pretty sure he already knew. It was probably SHIELD. 

At that point it seemed like maybe everything happened at once or it just happened so fast that Ruth was almost knocked breathless. 

Clint shot an arrow at the driver, who went down, knocking Rumlow off balance. Nat and Nick ran out for hand to hand combat.

Tony shot out of the trees with rocket blasters shrilling, dove into the fray, snagging Ruth straight out of Rumlow’s grasp and climbed rapidly above the trees with her safely in his grip. 

Rumlow tried shooting but his left arm was useless because that stupid archer had gotten him too! He fired off several rounds wildly anyway, yelling for help. 

Hearing the commotion, a dozen more Hydra agents came busting out of the house, looking around frantically for the source of Rumlow’s screams. He was on his back in the dirt beside the unconscious driver, an arrow lodged deep in his shoulder. 

Nick, Nat and Clint had melted away into the trees as soon as Tony had Ruth and now were making their way back to the jet as fast as they could. 

“Tony, stay at the jet,” Nick ordered. “We’re on our way back. There was too many agents to take on. We’ll take this place with a full team.”

Tony reached the jet and gently set Ruth on the ground, letting his suit retreat back into the watch he’d created and wore everywhere. “You good?” He asked the shaken woman gently, holding her up. 

Ruth nodded bravely. 

Steve came running, hugging her as he untied the gag and her other bonds. “Are you alright?” He asked hoarsely.He rubbed her stomach. “Is baby okay? Did they hurt you?”

She clung to him fiercely. “I’m okay, Steve. Thankful you guys found me!” She started to cry softly, her adrenaline crashing after her terror of being kidnapped. Her whole body felt limp and shaky now. Cramps shot through her again but she ignored them. 

By the time the other three showed up, she was mostlycalm again. 

They followed Steve into the jet, where Bucky was sitting and chewing on his fingers, drool dripping down his chin. 

Steve had put him in one of the seats and fastened the harness so he had to stay.

They all sat quickly while Natasha took the drivers’ seat.

“Guys, we have a slight issue,” Steve said.

Nat geared up for take off but looked back once they were in the air. “What’s up Stevie boy?”

Ruth looked at him apprehensively. “Did something happen to Bucky?”

Steve rubbed his nose, a sure sign of nervousness. “Kinda. He hit his head really hard. And now he seems to be back to the Bucky we knew before but he says his head still hurts.”

The others looked a little confused. Steve cleared his throat. “Bucky has been having headaches and Tony and I found this Hydra gadget awhile back.”

“What kind of gadget?” Nick asked.

Steve showed them the broken device. “It triggered a severe headache and then he went like this.”

“I think he should have an MRI done or something.” Clint stated.

Nick didn’t say much. Just nodded. 

Ruth slowly approached Bucky. “Hi baby.”

He reached for her. “Mama.”

It wasn’t long before they were back at the tower again and Nick was off to get a team of agents to bust into the Hydra safehouse. 

Tony immediately told Steve that he was moving them to the bigger apartment now. It was in a less accessible area in the compound because he was sure Pierce wouldn’t give up that easy. There had been workers preparing it and they had been slated to move in at the end of the month, which was two weeks away. 

Steve agreed. He could see how exhausted Ruth was however. “Honey, why don’t you take our boy down to the common area and watch a movie with him?” 

Ruth was only too happy to go and took Bucky, his blankie, his bear, diapers and a couple of bottles of milk down to the common area to keep him away from the busyness. It would just upset him. Frankly, she didn’t feel able to deal with it either.Her cramps were getting worse. She knew that the Braxton Hicks were common by 34 weeks. Stress wasn’t helping. She sat on the couch rubbing her belly and the squirming baby. 

She checked Bucky’s diaper. 

Bucky accepted a bottle of milk while Ruth changed him. “You have a soggy bum!” She exclaimed, patting his knee. 

He giggled then went back to his milk, blinking sleepily. 

He was cuddly and she did her best to snuggle him, with her bulging belly. 

They watched a movie and he fell asleep to Ruth’s delight. A nap would do him wonders. She dozed off as well, exhausted from the day’s events. 

Steve came into the common area three hours later. “Hey Ruthie girl.”

Ruth woke with a start. Bucky was just waking up. He looked at Steve with sleepy eyes, his head snuggled into Ruth’s shoulder. 

“How’s it going?” Ruth asked. “Sorry I didn’t mean to fall asleep. 

“All done,” Steve grinned. “You sure you’re okay?” 

Ruth sighed. “Just some Braxton Hicks.” 

Steve looked at her in terror. “What does that mean?”

“Nothing.” Ruth said. “It means I’m tired.”

“Come on then,” Steve hoisted Bucky onto his hip. “Hi buddy.”

Bucky put his head on Steve’s shoulder, still sucking his thumb. 

Ruth followed Steve to the opposite side of the compound where she had never been. “We’re on this side now?”

Steve grinned. “Yeah, baby. We’ve got a big apartment this time!” He unlocked the door and opened it, putting Bucky down. 

Ruth looked around, immediately noting the more open concept. The sunken living room and kitchen only had a half wall between them.The kitchen was all shiny stainless steel with black cupboard tops. The lighting was a mixture of sunlamps and bright LED lights.

The first thing she noticed however was the absence of any large windows. There was a beautiful skylight above the kitchen and that let light in. 

“Get this!” Steve laughed. He opened sliding glass doors onto a large balcony that looked way down onto the main lobby of the compound, 16 floors down. It had decorative trees and a flowerbed, giving the vibe of being outdoors under the enormous skylight without actually being out. 

She shook her head, a little overwhelmed by everything. “That’s really amazing, Steve.”

He took her hand, making sure Bucky was secure watching tv, and led her down the short hallway. “Look at this.” He opened one door. It was Bucky’s bedroom, all his things neatly arranged.Then Steve crossed the hall and opened another door.

Ruth’s eyes filled with sudden tears at the nursery that Pepper and Tony had designed.

The crib, change table, dresser and rocking chair were all a dark walnut, and the accenting blankets and coverings were in pastel greens, blues, pinks, and creams. There was a soft blue glow to the whole room from a lamp. 

Ruth went to the rocking chair and sat down, rocking slowly and letting all the stress of the day ease out. 

Steve chuckled. “It’ll be perfect.”

She nodded. 

They went back to the living room. 

Bucky was dancing to a kids’ program that had come on. “In our fav’ite rocket ship!” He sang, completely lost in his own world. 

Steve couldn’t help giggling softly and Ruth smiled. 

“Would your Dr. Banner have any insight into Bucky’s headaches? She asked. 

Steve turned to her, thinking. “I don’t know. I’ll ask him.” He texted Bruce with the question. “If he doesn’t he’ll know how to get answers.”

Bruce came by about half an hour later, walking slowly and speaking softly so as not to scare Bucky. He asked more questions than either Steve or Ruth could answer. 

It was finally decided that Bucky would see a neurologist for a brain scan. 

When Bruce had gone, Bucky came to Steve and climbed into his lap. “Daddy.”

He gently pushed Bucky’s hair out of his face. “Yes sweetheart?”

“Hungry.” Bucky looked at him expectantly. 

“Let’s see what mama’s made for dinner.” Steve got up and carried Bucky to the table. 

Ruth patted his hand.“Sit on your chair, baby. It’s casserole.”

Steve mashed the casserole as fine as possible for Bucky and made sure it was cool before he fed him. 

Ruth was pale and Steve was concerned. “Are you feeling sick?” He asked. 

“I’m just tired,” she said. 

Steve’s phone went off and he looked at it impatiently.It was Fury. All he’d texted was “Got the fucking bastards! You got any questions for them? Talk tonight. They’re being shipped to the icebox tomorrow.”

Steve felt relief that the men responsible for Bucky’s current state were finally in custody.Yes. He had questions for them! His fist had a big question for Pierce’s face!

“Once he’s out for the night, I’m going down to the SHIELD floor for a bit,” he told Ruth. 

She looked at him curiously so he showed her the message. She nodded in understanding. 

Ruth ate a bit then stopped. She did feel sick but she didn’t want to worry Steve. 

After dinner and some more snuggles, Bucky found his blankie and teddy. He was starting to get tired. 

At eight, Steve changed him while Ruth made a bottle.  Ruth lay down with him to put him to sleep. 

Steve left the apartment quietly, fists clenched at his sides so tightly he felt like he might explode. Once he was on Fury’s office floor, he took several deep breaths but there was no calming the rage he felt. Even the thought of seeing Pierce made him want to spit nails.  

Fury took one look at his face and nodded. “I know the feeling. They’re locked up. You can talk. No touching.” 

“Oh please sir, why not?” Steve asked sarcastically. 

Fury gave him a small smile. 

Steve stood outside of the locked cell, glaring at the two men inside. Rumlow at least had the grace to look a little afraid. 

Pierce met his gaze head on. “Hello Captain.”

“Don’t,” Steve hissed. “You are scum! I have a man upstairs who is suffering because of you!” 

Pierce smiled. “The Asset. Have you made any progress with him?”

Steve gave him a venomous glare.

Pierce had the gall to laugh. “He was good. Took to the brainwashing so well. You found the remote? Now his brain is too scrambled. I could probably fix it in the chair.”

Steve willed himself to stay calm. Alexander Pierce excelled at this little cat and mouse game. Ask your questions, Rogers, Steve reminded himself. 

“Remote? For what? What did you guys do to him?”

Pierce laughed. “If I gave you all the answers, then you’d have nothing left to figure out.”

“What did you do?!” Steve repeated, his voice punching the words out.

“Installed a little device on him,” Rumlow grinned. “Of course, activating the remote at close range will render him useless.” 

“Yes. I figured that out!” Steve ground out. He closed his eyes for a moment. “What do you mean, installed a device?”

“That information is mine,” Pierce chuckled. 

Steve stared at him in disbelief. “You fucking sadist monster....”

“Ooooooh, Cap’s swearing!” Brock taunted. 

Steve wanted to smash the bars and crush them both but instead he walked away.Fury stopped him. “You okay?”

Steve’s breathing was a little uneven. “What’s the icebox planning to do with them? Torture? Slow death? Agonizing pain?” 

“Not sure,” Fury said slowly. “You think that’s too harsh?”

“No. All of it. I want them to feel everything Bucky felt. They’re sadist pricks.” 

Fury stepped back a little at the sheer force of the anger in Steve’s voice. “I’ll pass it on, Cap.” 

Steve went back to their floor and went to the workout room where he destroyed four punching bags before Natasha stopped him. 

“Talk to me,” was all she said.

He spilled all of his anger and frustration with the situation and with Hydra, his concerns for Bucky and his fears, as he couldn’t do with Ruth because she might not understand his feelings as a soldier, as an Avenger and as Bucky’s friend. Natasha knew Bucky.  

When his angry words spiralled into weeping, Nat held him close and didn’t say anything. 

Finally drained of his chaotic emotions, he sat up and wiped his eyes. “Sorry, Nat. You didn’t deserve to see me fall apart like that.”

She raised a manicured eyebrow. “Really? Because I thought that’s what friends did for each other.” 

He smiled a little. “Yeah okay, they do. But-“

“No buts,” she said firmly. “You feel better?”

He nodded. 

“Good. Go home and shower and I’ll tell Stark to order some more bags.” She got up and pulled him to his feet. 

“Thanks Nat,” He said softly, hugging her. 

“You’re welcome. Now get outta here. You’re all sweaty.” 

Steve went back to the apartment to find Ruth curled up on the couch reading a book. 

“Did you find out anything?” She asked. 

“Some,” He said. “It can wait till tomorrow. Our baby’s sleeping, how about a shower together?”

Ruth looked up at him with pleasant surprise. “Yes please!” The last few days had been so crazy. 

They had a leisurely shower together. 

“How are you feeling?” Steve asked, rubbing his hands over her bare, stretched skin. 

She smiled. “Better. Food and rest helped. I dozed for a bit.”

They snuggled together on the couch lazily making out. Steve kissed her soft lips, running his hand down her side. “I was so afraid I’d never see you again.”

“Me too,” she whispered into his ear, nibbling his earlobe and nipping his bare shoulder. He’d slipped on a pair of pajama pants over his diaper and no shirt and her hands were enjoying his abs.

She snuggled against him, her hand dropping between his thighs. 

“I’m so tired.”

“Me too,” he agreed. “Let’s get to bed.”

“We better check on Bucky!” She smiled.

Steve quietly opened the door to Bucky’s room.He was sound asleep, thumb in his mouth, curled loosely around his blanket. “Satisfied?” He whispered.

She nodded, eyes shining with happiness.

They went to bed, but it was awhile before they fell asleep, relaxed and talking about the good things in their lives. 

Steve woke some time later, roused by a soft noise. He was wondering what he’d heard. He knew the door was locked and that Jarvis had instructions not to let Bucky out. 

He heard the noise again, and rolled carefully out of bed, careful not to wake Ruth. 

It was hard to tell what time it might be since there were no actual windows in their bedroom. 

He tiptoed out into the hallway noticing that the skylight in the kitchen was only showing the very first hints of dawn. Barely even light to walk by.They’d left on the stove light to see.

He stopped when he pinpointed the source of the soft tapping. 

Bucky was laying on his stomach on the living room floor, drawing. His bare foot was tapping on the floor absently. 

“Hey buddy,” Steve said softly. “What are you doing up already?”

Bucky looked up. “Hi daddy. I draw picture.”

Steve sat down, on the top step after flicking on the light above the sink. “Come show daddy your picture.”

Bucky came willingly, giving Steve the page. “It daddy!” 

Steve smiled at the honest try he’d made at drawing the Cap suit. “Good job, baby. Let’s change your bum and then get back to bed for a bit.” 

Bucky shook his head a little. “No ninight. I hungry.”

“You want milk?” Steve asked.

Bucky nodded.

Steve warmed a bottle and took Bucky’s hand. “C’mon sweetheart.” 

Bucky allowed himself to be led back to bed. 

Steve checked how wet he was then changed him quickly before tucking him in with his bottle. “Go ninight. Daddy is tired.” 

Bucky’s big eyes searched his face a moment, and then they closed obediently. 

Steve crawled back into bed beside Ruth, and curled up. He was tired but he doubted he would fall asleep again. He put a hand on her belly. His baby. He was so thankful they were both safe. 

His mind was hammering away at the information he’d gleaned from Pierce. He wondered if it would help the neurologist. Tony had set an appointment up for ten this morning. 

Suddenly Ruth jerked awake. “Steve!” 

He put a calming hand on her shoulder. “I’m right here, Ruthie girl.”

She grabbed her large stomach. “Steve! The baby! I think- Get Pepper-!” She grimaced and curled in on herself gripping his hand tightly. 

Steve felt immediate panic fill him. She was in labour?? It was way too early!! He grabbed his phone from the bedside table. Cursing his big fingers he shakily scrolled through the phone history and found Tony’s number and dialled. 

Tony answered. “Hey Cap.”

“Ruth! Pepper- baby- oh my gosh-!!!”

“We’ll be right there,” Tony said calmly.

Steve helped Ruth up and she doubled over as another contraction hit. “Steve,” she whimpered softly. “Bucky...”

“Pepper’s coming,” Steve reassured her quickly. 

Tony and Pepper walked in a moment later. “Jarvis is holding the elevator, Happy has the car out front. Go. We’ll bring Bucky later.”

Steve walked Ruth to the elevator and they rode to the main floor in silence other than Ruth’s little heavy gasps. 

Steve had faced down enemies without an ounce of fear but he was scared now! Like piss your pants scared!! He was glad he was still wearing his diaper because he was pretty sure he had actually wet himself in the last few minutes. He was wearing pull-ups during the day because he’d finally managed to regain most of his control since Honduras.

Once they were in the car, Happy pulled out and raced for the nearest hospital. 

Steve let Ruth put a death grip on his hand. 

At the hospital, Steve quickly explained what was happening. 

A nurse took them into a small examination room. “First baby?” 

Steve nodded. “Yeah. What gave it away?”

Her chuckle was musical. “I see a lot of first time parents. You’re doing wonderful.” She checked Ruth over, asking questions. When Ruth said she was only 34 weeks, the nurse told her she was sending them up to maternity. 

Steve had no idea what was happening. He just wanted to keep Ruth safe.

In a flurry of activity, Ruth was checked over by an obstetrician who said that she was definitely in labour and was probably going to have the baby in a few hours. 

They put her in a quiet room and Steve finally took a deep breath. He had to be calm and strong for Ruth. 

“You’re doing great, Honey,” he encouraged. 

Ruth breathed through her contractions and in between they talked. 

She was calm now. “We should have given Bucky some more warning. He won’t be ready.” 

“Don’t worry, I’ll deal with Buck,” he said. “You just worry about getting our baby into the world.” 

“We haven’t even decided on a name,” she said suddenly.

Steve kissed her sweaty forehead softly. “Did you have any names in mind?”

She paused for a few minutes. 

“I like Joel Steven for a boy,” she smiled.

Steve blushed a little with pleasure. “Really?” 

She nodded. “I know he’d be a good man because he has his dad’s name.”

Steve ducked his head in embarrassment. “I’m not perfect, Ruth.”

“I know. But you’re my perfect.” She held his hand.

“We’re not calling him Steve Jr. though,” she added quickly. 

Steve laughed. “Deal. I like that name too. What about a girl?” 

Ruth didn’t answer immediately as another contraction ripped through her. A sudden gush of water made her eyes go wide and Steve rushed from the room. “Help! Help!”

A nurse came and checked Ruth again. “It won’t be long now.”

“Where’s the doctor?” Steve asked, panicking.

“She’ll be around shortly.” The nurse made sure Ruth was comfortable and left the room. 

Steve paced for several minutes before taking himself in hand. “I’m sorry Ruth. You’re calm and I’m freaking out. I’ve done a lot of different things in my lifetime but this is by far the scariest one! How are you so calm??” 

She gasped out a laugh as another contraction rolled over her. “One of us has to be,” she said, once she could talk again. 

An hour later, Pepper texted Steve to ask how things were going. He told her what was happening and asked how Bucky was doing. 

Pepper sent a picture of Bucky in his pjs, tongue firmly clenched between his teeth in concentration, sitting at the table, drawing a picture. “He’s drawing a picture for the baby.”

Ruth started to cry when Steve showed her the picture. “Our sweet little boy.” 

“He’ll be here soon, mama. Tony and Pepper are bringing him around 9:00 if you’re not in the delivery room yet.” Steve looked at his watch. “It’s 8:00 now.”

The time seemed to crawl before the doctor showed up and pronounced Ruth ready for the delivery room in about an hour. Ruth was thankful that she would get to see Pepper and Bucky before she went in. 

It was just before nine when Pepper and Bucky walked in softly. “Hi!” Pepper whispered. “I can’t believe this is happening already!”

“Doc thinks yesterday’s stress had something to do with it,” Steve replied. 

Bucky walked to the bed and stared at Ruth. “Mama sick?”

“Baby is going to be born,” she said, putting his flesh hand on her belly. 

He frowned in confusion. “Baby?” He looked around. 

“The Baby is in here,” Ruth said, patting her stomach. 

Bucky made a face. “Baby play hide?”

The ob/gyn came back at that moment and everyone was shooed out for a moment. 

The doctor said Ruth was being moved to delivery. 

Bucky whimpered when she was taken away. 

Steve kissed his forehead. “We’ll see you soon, buddy. You listen to Pepper and Tony.” 

He hurried after the nurse and Ruth, ignoring Bucky’s cries. 

Ruth was helped into a birthing chair and Steve stood on one side. 

She grabbed his hand tightly as the age old birthing process began. 

Steve was thankful he wasn’t squeamish! 

In a little under half an hour the doctor presented them with their brand new baby girl. She was perfect, from her tiny toes to her beautiful face. She was only four pounds and ten ounces, but she was healthy. 

Steve couldn’t keep the sobs in anymore. 

He tried not to be too noisy as he held his tiny daughter. “Did you pick a girls’ name?” He asked Ruth softly. 

She was exhausted but nodded. “Serenity Grace.” 

Steve was in love immediately with the name. “It’s perfect.” 

Ruth and Serenity were moved to a room and Steve said he was going to find Tony and Bucky. 

After some texting, Pepper and Tony brought Bucky to Ruth’s room. 

Pepper was in immediate enraptured love with the tiny girl. 

Bucky didn’t know what to think of the baby. 

“This is our baby, Buck.” Steve patted his back. “Baby sister. Serenity.” 

“Bucky baby?” He asked. 

“That’s right,” Ruth said, from the bed. “This is our baby.”

Hecrawled into bed with Ruth and cuddled up to her.

Ruth softly patted his dark hair. “Hi baby.”

Bucky sucked his thumb. 

Steve looked at Tony. “He had an appointment!” 

“He went,” Tony interrupted, holding up a hand. “Keep your shirt on.” 

Steve relaxed a fraction. “Oh. Thanks!”

“They had to sedate him.” Tony grimaced. “They’ll call you later today.”

Steve studied Tony’s face for a clue. 

Tony arched an eyebrow. “Can we step out a minute?”

Steve followed Tony into the hall with a feeling of dread. “What’d they find?” 

“An electronic device of somesort that Hydra must have installed at some point.The doc said it explains the headaches. It’s how Hydra triggered the Soldier but the device is malfunctioning. They have to remove it surgically but it’s gonna leave Bucky permanently mentally challenged. The device is poisoning his brain.”

Steve wanted to cry. He was tired.“How long till they can perform the surgery?”

“I can get him in today,” Tony said. “The doc said the sooner the better. Why don’t we walk down to neurology and sign the forms?”

Steve reentered the room and kissed Ruth, then Bucky, who giggled. 

“Pep, can you watch Buck for a bit?” Tony asked. 

The strawberry blonde nodded. 

Steve quietly talked to Ruth and told her what Tony had said. 

She looked at Bucky a moment. “Please make my Bucky boy better!”

///////

Eight hours later,Steve sat beside Bucky’s bed in recovery, waiting for him to wake up. The neurosurgeon had been happy to report that the device and the infected tissue was removed. 

He had told Steve that it would mean Bucky would always need twenty four hour care. 

Steve nodded. “I have a team.”

Bucky stirred, stretching a little and struggling to open his eyes. 

“Hey, Bucky,” Steve said softly. “How are you feeling?”

Bucky’s blue eyes were wide as they took in his surroundings.He turned back to Steve. “Daddy. Up.”

Steve kissed his cheek. “Just hold on. I have to get a nurse to see if we can.”

When he left the room, Bucky burst into tears. 

Steve stood undecided but saw a nurse already hurrying towards the room. 

Steve sat down again. “Shh Baby. Daddy’s here.”

The nurse said that Tony Stark had arranged to have Bucky moved to a private room. 

When he was settled and he had a bottle of milk, a different nurse entered, helping Ruth walk with baby Serenity in her arms. 

Steve took his daughter in one arm and helped Ruth sit in a comfortable chair. 

Serenity snuffled a little, mouthing at Steve’s shirt. “Is she hungry?” He asked.

Ruth smiled. “No. I just fed her. She already reminds me of her daddy. She’s stubborn. Steve chuckled softly. “Daddy’s girl. Two babies. In one day. Life is perfect, right mama?” 

Ruth smiled and wiped Bucky’s chin. “Right.” 

The end. 


	21. End of the Line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the first of the last few chapters, the epilogue, to this series. Bucky is regressed to a young toddler.

Following Serenity’s birth and Bucky’s surgery, Steve felt overwhelmed. He wanted to be in both places. Ruth told him to stay with Bucky. He needed Steve more.

The first several hours in recovery Bucky cried, unable to understand why he couldn’t have food and wanting to be held. Steve settled him with a pacifier to give him oral stimulation. This at least helped with the crying.He was also drooling worse than before. His T-shirt was wet all down the front by the time they moved him into his own room. 

Tony made sure that Bucky had a private room. 

Steve stayed with him the first night making sure he was changed every few hours. The IV made him wet more than usual.The nurses came in every two hours to check on him. Every time they did, he would cry. Steve didn’t get any sleep. 

Steve spent the few quiet hours mentally preparing himself to care for Bucky at home.It wasn’t going to be easy. He had a lot of questions for the doctor. 

Ruth and Serenity came to see Bucky in the morning. 

Bucky was groggy and wanted Ruth to hold him. She gave Serenity to Steve and lay down in the bed with Bucky. He snuggled close to her making happy little sounds. 

Unfortunately, the baby decided she was hungry and began to wail. 

This made Bucky cry too. He screamed until they came and sedated him. 

Ruth apologized, bursting into tears. 

Steve gathered her into his arms. “Honey it’s okay. He’s just not quite with it yet.”

The doctor came later that morning to check on his patient and to talk to Steve.He didn’t seem shocked with Steve’s blunt questions. “You’re tired. The sleeping will get better. He’s still in pain from the surgery.”

He didn’t have much hope for improvement however. “It wasn’t a nice easy surgery. We had to remove more brain tissue than we wanted to.”He explained how the device had been deeply entangled in the base of the frontal, temporal and parietal lobes of Bucky’sbrain affecting so many skills. Motor function, speech, memory, problem solving, intelligence, sensory perception and integration; the list went on until Steve held up a hand. 

“You lost me. Can you just give me a simple explanation?” 

The doctor considered for a minute. “You will have an adult that acts, responds and reacts to stimulus and situations much like a very young toddler. He might be able to relearn a bit of language but his understanding will be limited. Sign language might be an option for basic things. Because of Bucky’s lack of coordination and understanding, I don’t think he will ever be out of diapers either. His cognitive ability is too low. He’llrequire constanthelp and care with feeding, changing, dressing and even just watching over him. I know this is a lot to take in. You know a care home is always an option.”

Steve shook his head. “Gimme some time, doc. I will be okay. It’s just.... a lot.”

When the doctor had gone, Steve sat beside Bucky’s bed and finally let himself cry.He wasn’t even sure why he was crying. A few nights of no sleep and having so much pressure to be the strong person for everyone was wearing him down.He put his head on his arms, leaned on Bucky’s bed and dozed off. 

Steve slowly woke up to his hair being pulled and something wet on his cheek. Blinking to wake up he sat up, removing Bucky’s left hand from his hair. 

Bucky was grinning at him, drool dripping off his chin. 

Steve grimaced. “Really?” He grabbed a tissue wiping the drool off his face. “Where’s your binkie, Bud?” 

Bucky babbled unintelligibly, waving a stuffed dog at him. 

“That’s not a binkie.” Steve moved him and found the missing pacifier, sticking it in his mouth again.Bucky bounced on his bottom, obviously feeling much better.“Da!”

When the nurses checked on him in the afternoon, he was ready for formula again.

Steve sat with him while they pulled his IV out and gave him a bottle. He screamed bloody murder but only until Steve cuddled him and put the nipple in his mouth. 

That night, Bucky slept better.Steve was so exhausted, he crashed on the recliner. 

Two days later, Steve was carrying Bucky to the TV room when someone dropped a metal tray. 

Bucky startled, then started to cry as if his heart would break. Steve was thoroughly confused. He requested to see the doctor again. 

The doctor listened to Steve’s account then pursed his lips in thought. 

“I believe he’s portraying the Moro reflex. It often affects brain trauma patients.”

Steve frowned. “Why? What is that?!”

“In layman’s terms,” the doctor said, “It’s the startle reflex such as babies are born with.He can’t distinguish that loud noises won’t hurt him. He will startle and probably cry. This may get better with time, it may not. I’m sorry.”

The doctor sighed. “It’s a lot to ask of you. Especially with a new baby too. 

Steve smiled through the sting of fresh tears. “You saved my boy. That’s what matters to me.” It was true. It would take some time to get used to Bucky like this but Steve loved him dearly. 

As he started to feel better,Bucky became more active and therefore more difficult. He didn’t want to stay in his bed.The bed rails only deterred him a little. 

When Steve left the room for ten minutes to grab a coffee from the cafeteria, Bucky figured out how to get around the bed rails. 

Giggling gleefully, he tottered down the hallway, steps a little unsure. 

One of the nurses discovered him missing a few minutes later and sounded the alarm. 

They found him, watching tv and blowing spit bubbles around two fingers. 

The nurse eyed Bucky’s sagging diaper. “You need a change.” Shetook him back to his room. “You’re a stinker. Were you looking for daddy?” 

He blew a raspberry and drooled. “Da?”

She changed him and chuckled, unable to stay stern. “You are a troublemaker,” she laughed, rolling up the smelly diaper into a bag with the rubber gloves. 

He sat up again, sliding to the floor once more. He turned up the charm, smiling at her, his big, blue eyes twinkling with mischief as he moved towards the door. 

He’d won every nurse on the ward over despite the fact that he demanded a lot of attention. 

A week later,Steve was so ready to go home,now that he knew they’d be fine. 

Tony helped out immensely by having Bucky’s entire room redesigned into a nursery to fit him. There was a crib, a change table, and a toy box full of safe toys like plushies and chunky toys that would stand up to curious super soldier chewing. 

Serenity was also ready to go home. She’d reached five pounds after losing six ounces of her birth weight and they brought her and Bucky home together. 

/////////

Steve carried Bucky on one hip and the baby car seat in the other while Ruth unlocked the door. 

They had just had both kids’ two week check at the doctor. They were doing well. 

Bucky wiggled back and forth, almost throwing Steve off balance. He was drooling around his fingers, having spit his pacifier out again, content to be going home. He babbled incoherently looking over Steve’s shoulder. “Ba?”

Steve set Serenity’s car seat on the table and put Bucky down, holding onto his harness until he was steady. “Ba” could mean milk, blankie, bath, baby, and bed. 

Ruth looked at the time. It wasn’t nap time yet. She unsnapped the dark blue harness he was wearing. They had custom ordered it for Bucky when they were out so that he couldn’t wander off or get away. 

This had happened in the first week home. He’d wandered off in the grocery store, giving Ruth and Steve both a heart attack for five minutes before they found him.The harness was a necessity. 

Bucky wobbled a minute and then started to walk towards the living room, tripping halfway there and falling to his hands and knees. 

He clumsily pushed to his feet again and walked to the tv. He patted the screen, running his spit covered fingers over it, leaving streaks. “Da. Paw.”

“In a minute, Buck,” Steve said.He was glad he didn’t mind Paw Patrol.

He took the crying baby out of her seat. “You hungry, princess?” He snuggled his daughter gently. 

Ruth reached for her. “Yes. She is. At least Bucky isn’t crying yet. Make him a bottle please, dear?”

Serenity flailed her tiny hands before Ruth swaddled her securely. “Yes baby. Mommy’s going to feed you.”

Steve quickly warmed a bottle of formula. 

Bucky turned around, falling on his well padded bottom.He made his way towards Ruth, sliding on his ass. “Ma. Up.” He flailed his hand at the baby. “No!”

“Mama can’t pick you up,” Steve said, scooping him up. “Mama is going to feed Serenity.” 

Bucky made a noise of pure indignation and reached for Ruth. “Mama!”

Steve blew a raspberry on his neck. “You want your milk?”

He sat with Bucky on his lap, turned on Paw Patrol, and held the bottle for him. 

Bucky straddled one knee, leaning back against Steve, cuddling his blankie. He was completely relaxed now. Steve felt the crotch of his jeans. He wasn’t dry but he was okay yet.

Bucky finished his milk and burped loudly. 

“You’re full!” Steve commented.

“Mama!” Bucky insisted again. He had shown plenty of jealousy towards the baby. The occupational therapist who had come to assess him, suggested several different strategies and said time was the biggest factor. 

“Let’s go get a cookie.” Steve carried Bucky to the kitchen and found an arrowroot cookie for him. “Yummy. Cookie!”

Bucky slowly took the cookie licking it carefully with the tip of his tongue, sucking on it, then bit a piece off. “Nu num.” He drooled cookie down his chin. He pushed the now soggy cookie against Steve’s lips. “Nu num?”

Steve grimaced and turned away, swiping his hand over his mouth. 

“That’s alright, buddy. You have it.” He carried him back to the living room. 

Ruth was still feeding the baby, kissing her soft, fuzzy little head.

There was a loud bang outside. 

Bucky jumped, dropped the cookie and started screaming. 

Steve bounced him gently. “Shh you’re okay.” He went to the window to see what was going on. The startle reflex hadn’t gotten any better yet. 

Clint and Tony were on the large open grassy space behind the tower, busting a gut laughing while the remains of a large inner tube fluttered through the air. 

Steve sighed. “Tony. Being a goof.”

Bucky calmed down and reached for Ruth but when Steve wouldn’t put him down, he whined and sucked on a finger, watching her. 

“I’m almost done,” Ruth said. 

Steve picked up the piece of cookie. “Hopefully he’ll get over this jealousy soon.”

“Give it time. It’s new and he doesn’t understand.” Ruth put Serenity on her shoulder. 

Bucky had tried several times to push the baby off of Ruth or Steve’s lap. He couldn’t get into the nursery thanks to the toddler lock on the door but it didn’t stop him from trying. 

Bucky threw himself sideways, whining loudly.

Steve put him down and gave him a few of the bright foam blocks that Nat had found for him. Serenity’s baby shower had yielded almost as many gifts for Bucky. He had toys galore now. 

Steve watched Bucky bang a foam block on the coffee table. 

“He really doesn’t understand.” Ruth said. “We’ll just have to watch him very closely. Can’t have him hurting her.”

“I’d never forgive myself.” Steve kissed Bucky’s forehead. “He’s innocent and so is she.” 

Ruth nodded. “I know. It’s gonna take all of us a few weeks to adjust.”

Steve grinned. “Good thing I’ve got time.”

Ruth sat forward with the baby. “Hey Bucky. You want to see baby?”

He studied her for a moment. “Ba?” He pointed at her tiny face with one flesh finger. “Eye?”

Steve moved his hand back a bit. “Yeah! Baby has eyes. Can’t poke her eyes.”

“Eye?” He repeated. He stared at the small person on Ruth’s lap. “Dat?” He pointed to her tiny toes.

“Toes. Gentle touch.” Ruth cautioned gently. She stroked Bucky’s hair. “You’re a good boy, Bucky.”

He raised his left hand and Steve caught his wrist, not willing to chance him hitting her. “Come buddy. Let’s go change your diaper.” 

Bucky lifted his arms to be picked up. 

Steve carried him to the change table, where he got him giggling by blowing raspberries on his tummy. 

Once Bucky was dry, Steve set him beside the toy box. “Look, buddy.” He pulled out a soft doll. “Here’s Bucky’s Baby.”

Bucky poked the doll’s face. “Eye?” He grabbed the doll and crushed it to him. “Enty.” 

Steve smiled. “Should we go show mama your baby?”

He took Bucky’s hand and helped him walk to the living room with his “baby”. 

Ruth’s heart melted at the sight. Bucky was adorable especially when he smiled.The doll was designed for little ones, with a soft, roundface and a happy smile.

“Pepper must have found the doll,” Ruth said, holding a now content, sleepy baby girl. 

Bucky shook the doll eagerly towards Ruth. “Enty!” He let go of Steve and started towards her, losing his balance three steps in. He scooted forward on his bottom. 

“That’s right, baby. Serenity.”

“That’s what he was saying??” Steve asked incredulously. 

“Of course.” Ruth gave him a look. “Don’t you speak 15 month old??” She laughed. 

Steve shrugged then laughed as well. “I’ll hopefully learn.”

Ruth gave Serenity to Steve. “You wanna put her down?” 

Bucky was sitting on the floor in front of the tv watching Little Einsteins. 

Steve nodded, heading towards the nursery. He gently cuddled the infant in his arms. 

“Da?” He heard Bucky come down the short hall way. 

“Daddy’s putting baby sister to bed,” he said softly. 

Bucky came in, peering at Serenity. “No.” He wanted to reach for her but Steve pulled him away, carrying him out and closing the door firmly. 

Bucky screamed angrily. “Enty!” He slapped Steve with his doll, throwing himself back against Steve’s shoulder. He screamed again. “No!”

“You’re tired too,” he said calmly. It’s been a long day.” 

The doctor hadn’t seen many changes today in Bucky’s recovery. It was still early though. Brain surgery had a finicky recovery process. Steve wondered what the future held. 

Ruth rubbed Bucky’s back and handed him a yogurt pouch. “You’re mama’s good boy.”

He sucked on the small plastic spout eagerly. 

Steve smiled, kissing Bucky’s dark hair. Family used to mean him and Bucky till the end of the line. 

Now it was Steve and Ruth and two darling babies.Family hadn’t changed that much. It just meant something bigger and better now. 


	22. End of the Line Ch 2

It had been two months since Bucky came home. His jealousy of Serenity hadn’t gone away yet. 

His personality was still intact even in his regressed state and he was just as stubborn as ever and wanted his way. Which was to have all of Mama and daddy’s attention all the time. When he didn’t get it, he threw tantrums. 

His doctor suggested an occupational therapist to help with coping strategies. 

Ruth made an appointment for an OT to come to their apartment. 

The therapist arrived a few days later after Bucky’s nap, with a bag of toys and several other things. 

Pepper took Serenity so that Ruth and Steve could both participate. 

“I’m Jenny,” she introduced herself with a bright smile. 

Ruth liked her immediately and they talked for a bit while Steve got Bucky out of his crib and changed him. 

Bucky shrieked as soon as he saw the new person, clinging desperately to Steve and hiding his face.

Jenny watched him for a few moments then told them that separation anxiety was a common behaviour for survivors of brain damage such as Bucky had sustained. 

Steve rubbed Bucky’s back and sat down on the couch. “It’s okay, buddy.”

“Hi Bucky,” Jenny smiled, shaking a colourful, noisy ball in front of him. “Look.”

Distracted, he detached one hand from Steve’s shirt and reached for it. 

She let him take it. 

It went to his mouth after a couple awkward tries. He licked the nubby surface, trying to fit it in his mouth and drooling excessively. 

“Does he mouth things a lot?” She gave Ruth a questioning look.

Ruth nodded. “Everything goes in his mouth.”

“Do you use a pacifier for him? To satisfy that need to suck?” Jenny dug in her bag and pulled out a plastic wrapped pacifier. 

“We are using a size four Nuk that the hospital gave us.” Steve showed her Bucky’s paci. 

She unwrapped the new one. “That’s a decent one but it won’t stimulate the part of his mouth that he’s seeking for. That’s why he’s putting things in his mouth, to put pressure on the spot that’s needing stimulation.” 

She gave Steve the clear silicone pacifier. The shield was also clear so when Bucky put it in his mouth, they could see his lips feel out the new shape warily. 

Ruth had to giggle at his little hesitant sucks before his pulls lengthened. 

“That feels better,” Jenny said, satisfied. “Here. I’m going to give you a few. That way you have one for bedtime, one for the diaper bag and one for the living room.”

Steve let Bucky slide off his lap as he got interested in the building blocks Jenny had set out. He flopped sideways against Steve’s leg. 

He picked one up, trying to fit it together with a second one. 

Jenny took both of his hands and gently moved them right so the blocks fit. She clapped her hands. “Yay!” She cheered softly. 

Bucky grinned, almost losing his pacifier. 

They played blocks for awhile longer. “Does he walk at all? Or is he always floppy like this?”

“He walked at first but he’d fall all the time. I think he started to get scared of falling and stopped trying to walk,” Steve said. “Some days he also seems tired. Those days, he lays on the floor more. He loses his balance a lot.”

“Are those days less or more now that his healing is pretty much done?” Jenny asked thoughtfully.

Steve looked at Ruth. “Uh, honestly, we’ve been so busy. We have an almost three month old baby so it’s been really crazy . They’re about the same. I think.”

She patted what looked like a chair that was balanced on a sturdy tripod.  “This chair will help Bucky strengthen his neck and back muscles and help his balance too. It won’t be perfect but we’ll try to get him walking again.  He will want to get lazy because it’s easier. If he can get you to carry him, he doesn’t have to work as hard. His lack of balance is probably scary for him. Put him in here at least half an hour a day.” 

Steve nodded. Lately he only wanted to be carried. He lifted Bucky into the seat. Steve fastened the harness and Jenny showed Ruth how to get his feet into the foot rests. 

Bucky protested loudly when the seat tilted slightly when he flopped to the side.

“I’ll get him a bottle,” Steve said. “He’s probably thirsty.”

Bucky didn’t like the seat. He had to work to sit up and balance. The bottle quieted him down.

Jenny made an appointment for two weeks later, then left. 

Ruth gave Steve a kiss, willing to take a minute for themselves. It had been such a crazy time so far. 

Steve kissed her neck softly. “We need a date night soon.”

“Maybe Nat could sit for us?” Ruth asked. 

Steve breathed into her ear. “It’s worth a shot.”

She giggled a little. “Let’s do that. I miss our time together.”

They sat on the couch, cuddling and watching Bucky flopping side to side then whining before righting himself. 

“When you were gone earlier before lunch, Bucky did the sign for more.” Ruth looked at him. 

Steve looked at her in surprise. “Really?”

Ruth nodded, grinning. “For chocolate pudding!” 

Steve laughed gleefully. “Maybe he can learn some.”

They had been trying to teach Bucky the sign for more for two weeks but up to this point he hadn’t done it. 

“It was so cute!” Ruth gushed. “I was feeding him and I got distracted. He banged his high chair tray and yelled ‘Ma!’ And then touched his finger tips together! I almost yelled I was so excited but that would’ve scared him.”

Steve nodded, sobering. “The startle reflex isn’t getting better yet. When we were in the mall last week, they had that trade fair on. Somebody blew an airhorn and he nearly lost his mind.”

“Poor baby,” Ruth said. “He might not get better. The doctor said it should have gone away by now if it was going to.”

Steve nodded. “I know.”

“Are you okay with that?” She asked. “Because I am.”

He smiled. “Yeah. I’m getting used to it.”

Bucky dropped his bottle. “Da!”

Steve sighed and got up reluctantly. “Okay, stinker. Hold on.” He pulled Bucky into his arms, smiling as Bucky snuggled into his shoulder. He babbled something before putting his pacifier back in his mouth. 

“I texted Pepper. She’s bringing baby back up. Our princess is ready to eat.” Ruth got Serenity’s blanket. 

Steve nodded. “With the mood this guy is in, maybe we’ll go visit Tony.”

Ruth laughed shortly. “At least Serenity is getting used to his screaming. It doesn’t scare her anymore.”

“I’ve noticed.” Steve grabbed the change bag from the counter. “You good here?”

“Yes, Steve. I’m fine.” She tossed him Bucky’s blankie. “Take that.”

Steve left before Pepper could get there. Seeing their daughter nurse could escalate Bucky’s jealousy immediately. They had tried numerous things but the temper tantrums came anyway. 

He wanted to nurse like Serenity, which, of course, was not going to happen. Steve hoped Jenny would have some insight into it at the next session. 

Steve carried Bucky to the elevator. “Jarvis, where is Tony?”

Bucky clung to Steve’s shoulder, sucking on his new pacifier. “To-?”

“Yeah, Bud. Tony.” Steve smiled. That was a new word! 

The AI took them to the common floor. “Sir is in the kitchen, making coffee.”

“Thanks J,” Steve said politely. 

Bucky held tightly to his blankie, his big eyes not missing anything.

Steve hoisted him up a bit higher on his hip. “You’re so floppy today.”

Tony turned as they came in. “Hey! How’s my favourite buddy today?” He came and tapped Bucky’s pacifier. “That’s a crazy new binkie.”

“Occupational therapist gave it to him,” Steve explained. “We decided to skip the tantrum over feeding Serenity and come see Uncle Tony.”

“Still fighting with that?” Tony mused. “What’s the matter, bud. You don’t like baby sister?”

“Not yet he doesn’t.” Steve followed Tony to the common living room and set Bucky on his bottom. 

Bucky got on all fours and crawled to the toy box that Pepper had put in the room. 

He was trying to get a plushout but it was stuck. He finally gave a sharp shriek. 

Tony and Steve both jumped up to help him. 

Once he had the large plush Iron Man that he was after he lay down, cuddling it and babbling happily. 

Steve and Tony visited while watching Bucky. 

Bucky rolled onto his stomach, running his fingers over the rug. He suddenly belched and milk ran out of his mouth. He put his hand in the mess.

“Aw! No!” Steve said, hurrying to him. “Yucky.” 

Tony grabbed paper towel and some spray cleaner. 

Once the mess was cleaned up, however, Bucky was irritable. He whined and whimpered, wanting to be held. As soon as Steve sat down he wanted down, then cried once he was on the floor. 

Steve sighed deeply. “Guess I better get him back home.”

He carried Bucky back to the elevator. 

Bucky continued to whine, squirming unhappily. 

“Does your tummy have a burp in it?” Steve asked, patting his back firmly. It wasn’t always easy to figure out the problem. 

Bucky didn’t usually need burping anymore but sometimes he still got trapped air in his stomach. 

He was crying harder by the time they walked into the apartment. 

Ruth turned from where she was walking Serenity. “Oh oh. What happened?”

“A stuck burp, I think,” Steve answered, trying to make Bucky comfortable. 

Ruth got a syringe of the light peppermint water solution that the doctor had given her a recipe for. 

Steve gave Bucky the syringe. He sucked it eagerly, swallowing the water. 

Steve resumed the patting and suddenly Bucky burped loudly, startling himself. He pouted and shed a few tears before Steve and Ruth’s laughter distracted him. “That better?” Steve asked. 

Serenity was quiet now, snuggled in Ruth’s arms. 

Bucky reached for Ruth. “Mama.” 

Steve sighed. “Mama is holding baby. Where’s Bucky’s baby?” He found the well loved doll that needed a wash. “Here. Daddy found your baby.” 

Bucky grasped the doll trying to get it under his T-shirt. “Nu?”

“Does your baby need to eat?” Steve asked. He sat down with Bucky on his lap, helping him pull his shirt up. Trying to explain that Serenity was little and needed mama’s milk had proved impossible. 

Ruth had encouraged the role play to help him feel like he could relate. 

Bucky smushed the doll against his chest. “Nu! Da.”

“I know!” Steve said softly. “Your Baby is eating just like Serenity.” 

A few seconds later, he dropped the doll in favour of his rubber duck which went into his mouth. 

Steve pulled his shirt down and patted his diaper. “You’re such a silly boy.” 

When dinner rolled around, Ruth fed Bucky mashed potatoes mixed with puréed cream corn and little pieces of ham. 

Steve held Serenity, enjoying his daughter immensely. 

“Can you believe it’s been almost three months since our little girl was born??” 

Ruth smiled. “Three months that has absolutely flown by!”

Steve looked down as his phone buzzed and bit his lip to stifle his excitement. Nat had answered his question. “It definitely has. It’s been a little crazy.”

Ruth laughed. “Yes but it keeps life interesting.” She caught a spoonful of food in her hand when Bucky spit it out, reaching for his cup of water. 

Steve joined in her laughter. “Interesting is a good word.” 


	23. End of the Line ch 3

When Bucky was asleep in his crib, tucked under his Nemo blanket, pacifier firmly in his mouth, Steve softly closed the door. The evening had been long. Bucky’s stomach hadn’t completely settled so Steve had gone between rocking and carrying him all evening until Ruth gave him Tylenol and he’d quieted down. 

Serenity was quiet and had gone to bed well. She had started sleeping most of the night. 

Steve wrapped Ruth in his arms and kissed her softly. “Hey Baby doll, wanna go on a date tomorrow night?”

She looked at him, eyes widening at the prospect. “Really? Just us?”

He nodded. “Yes. Nat’s going to watch the kids. We are going to dinner and a show.”

Ruth gave an excited giggle. “Yay! I can’t wait!”

Steve smiled. “Me neither.” He was thinking about the little velvet jewelry box in his suit jacket pocket in the back of the closet. It had been there since before their daughter was born. It was time. Tomorrow couldn’t come soon enough!

//////

The next afternoon by four, Ruth was showered and dressed in a lovely aqua blouse and black skirt. She was fastening her earrings when Nat knocked. 

“Come in!” She called. 

“You look gorgeous,” Natasha commented immediately, making herself comfortable on a kitchen chair. 

Ruth blushed prettily. “Thanks! I actually did my make up.” She laughed. “I’m not gonna have baby hands trying to grab at my earrings or necklace.” 

Serenity was watching the activity from her bouncy seat on the table. She cooed softly when Ruth looked her way. 

Nat nodded. “That’s right princess. You and Mr. Bucky here make life crazy for mama.” She tapped Bucky’snose and he wrinkled it, slapping his high chair tray sending Cheerios flying. 

“O?” He offered her a cheerio that was sticking to his damphand. 

“You’re eating O’s?” Nat took the offered somewhat soggy piece of cereal. “Yum!” She gave Ruth a grimace and lay it on the table. 

Ruth laughed. “Sorry. He likes to share. Steve just changed him about twenty minutes ago and Serenity was fed half an hour ago. I pumped a bottle for her for seven thirty.”

Nat gently grabbed the baby’s foot. “Auntie Nat will be just fine. I’ll call Clint if I need a second set of hands.”

She knew Ruth was nervous to leave the kids. She also knew what Steve had planned. 

Steve came into the kitchen, fixing a navy tie over his white shirt under a dark suit jacket. 

Ruth looked at him appreciatively. “You have fuzz in your beard from baby’s blanket.” She picked the pink fuzz out of his stubble. 

He smiled and kissed her. “You are so beautiful.” 

They kissed again while Nat grinned happily. 

Bucky watched them suspiciously. “Da?”

Natasha tapped his tray. “Eat your O’s.” 

Bucky reached for Steve and whined. 

Steve ruffled Bucky’s hair. “Daddy can’t pick you up. Knowing you, you’d either, spit up, throw up, or pee on me. Auntie Nat is gonna give you dinner soon bud,” he promised. “Be a good boy.” 

Bucky shook his head. “Mama.” 

Ruth kissed his forehead and smoothed his hair down. “Bucky’s bottle is in the door of the fridge. The blue bottle. Twenty seconds just to take the chill off in the microwave. His pajamas are on his change table and Serenity’s sleeper is on hers. Any questions, you can call either of us.” 

“Don’t worry,” Nat promised. “They’ll be fine.” 

Steve finished tying his dress shoes then offered Ruth his arm. “C’mon mama. Probably best if we just leave without much fuss. Sorry Nat. He’s gonna cry.”

Ruth stroked his hair. “I’m sorry, baby.” She looked torn. 

“I know,” Natasha answered. “Just go.” 

As soon as the door closed, Bucky’s eyes filled with tears. “Mama?” 

“She’ll be back soon, sweetheart,” Nat soothed. She tried to give him his cup but he turned away, his cries gathering steam. 

He was soon screaming and Natasha moved Serenity into the living room. “Your brother is upset. Auntie will get him calmed down.” 

The baby looked at her and smiled. 

Nat got Bucky’s plush doll from the couch and brought it to the high chair. 

She wiggled it against his face, landing little kisses on his nose, distracting him. 

He scrubbed at his eyes with his hands and then grasped the doll. 

Tasha put the pacifier that was attached to his shirt, in his mouth again. 

He settle down, content now to toss Cheerios overboard. 

She brought the baby back into the kitchen, blowing a soft raspberry into her tiny hand and being rewarded with a smile. 

Nat warmed up Bucky’s dinner and put a dry bib on him. “You hungry?” 

He tried to push his doll into the food. 

The first spoonful of mashed lasagna made him look at her with wide eyes. “Nu num!”

“Yep. Yummy dinner,” she agreed. 

He poked his finger in the next spoonful. “Dat?” 

“It’s lasagna,” she answered, wiping his finger with a napkin.

Serenity made a noise and waved her hand. 

Natasha put another spoonful into Bucky’s mouth. “You cannot have lasagna yet, sweet pea.”

Bucky made upset noises, waving at her with his right hand. “Enty!” He exclaimed after a long tirade.

Tasha smiled. “Serenity is a baby. Baby sister.” 

He shook his head then banged his high chair table. “Ba.” 

“Okay.” Nat agreed, giving him more food. “Let’s finish this and then mama said you could have chocolate pudding.” 

He reached for his water. After a short sip, he chewed on the hard plastic spout. 

Nat gently wiggled it out of his grasp and put another bite of dinner in his mouth. Bucky wasn’t a fast eater. He got distracted so easily by the slightest things. 

If Serenity made a noise, or a cheerio caught his eye, he forgot he was supposed to be eating. 

Nat touched the spoon to his lip. “Bucky,” she sing songed. “Let’s eat your dinner.”

He opened his mouth obediently. 

There was a soft knock and Clint opened the door. “Hey, hows it going?” 

“Trying to feed a distracted toddler. Fun times,” she deadpanned. 

Bucky watched him, wide eyed, chewing slowly. He pointed at Clint. “Dat?”

“Clint,” Nat answered, getting another spoonful in his mouth. 

“Kin,” Bucky repeated, wiggling happily. 

He chuckled. “Hey big guy. Good to see ya. And how’s our lil princess?”

Serenity smiled a little when Clint came into view. “Hello, beautiful,” he crooned, picking her up. 

Bucky immediately gave him some very stern babbling and reached for Clint with both hands. 

“What?” Clint asked with a smile. “You don’t like when I hold baby?” He nuzzled the soft baby fuzz on her head. 

Clint dropped a kiss on Bucky’s hair. “You’re a stinker.”

Nat put the spoon to his lips again. “You’re distracting him.” 

Bucky took the spoonful, pushing a cheerio into his mouth and drooling lasagna. 

“Yuck,” Natasha sighed. She wiped his chin with a napkin. “How does Ruth do this every day?”

Clint laughed. “I think Ruth loves it.” 

He brushed Bucky’s cheek with his finger. 

Bucky turned his head at the touch and mouthed Clint’s finger. 

Clint quirked an eyebrow. “Ew. Chewed up lasagna. Why are you sucking on my finger?” 

“Please tell me your hands were clean,” Nat begged.

“Yeah, mom,” Clint grinned. 

Bucky bit down suddenly, making Clint yelp. “Ouch! You turkey! Leggo!”

Bucky giggled and pinched Clint’s arm. “Da.”

Nat grinned widely and tapped his lip with the spoon. He opened his mouth again. “That’s Clint, buddy. Not daddy. Note to Clint: Bucky bites.”

Clint looked at her ruefully. “Duly noted. Ow.”

Serenity started squirming and squeaking. 

Clint patted her small back. “Hush pretty baby.” He bounced a little to calm her. 

She squirmed again before settling down and putting a tiny fist in her mouth. 

Clint frowned, feeling her bottom. “Uh....I think she is.....ya know?”

Nat gave him a look. “What?” 

“She pooped!” He made a face. 

“So, change her,” Tasha said, rolling her eyes.

Clint shook his head. “No way!” 

She huffed and got up. “Feed Bucky then, please!” 

Clint gave her the baby and took the spoon. 

Bucky giggled when he made train sounds while putting the spoon in his mouth. He chewed his finger, then blew raspberries through his lasagna. 

“You’re supposed to be swallowing it.” Clint wiped his face. 

Nat changed Serenity, kissing her adorable tummy then put her in the pink sleeper. “You are so precious,” she cooed, nibbling a tiny finger just to see her smile again. “Let’s go see if Uncle Clint is getting Bucky fed.” 

Clint was playing games now and making Bucky laugh. “He was spitting out his food.”

Nat sighed and gave up. “You’re done.” She cleaned his face. “Clint can you take him to the living room?”

/////

Steve and Ruth had eaten a leisurely dinner at The Palm and were enjoying a glass of Pinot Noir, talking quietly. 

“Do you think Jenny will be able to help Bucky?” She asked, her brown eyes soft in the candlelight. 

Steve thought it over for a minute. “I hope at least somewhat. It would be great if she could help us work through the jealousy issues.”

Ruth nodded. “Once Serenity is a little older it might get better.” 

Steve shrugged. “Maybe. Pepper brought something to my attention today. We can get disability benefits if we register within the next two weeks.”

Ruth asked, “What does that mean?” 

“It means we can get special equipment for him like a stroller and the swing we talked about. We just need to register as his legal guardians.”

“That sounds wonderful. That also means no one else has legal rights to him,” Ruth smiled. 

Steve carefully withdrew the small jewellery box and held it in his hand. 

He felt such an overwhelming love for her as he watched how animated she became while talking about Bucky. 

His heart was pounding nervously. He didn’t think she’d say no but this was still his first time proposing. He wanted to get it right! 

He licked his lips and stroked her hand. “Ruth?”

She looked at him. “Yes?”

He got up, pulling her chair out a bit, cleared his throat and then slipped out of his chair and went down on one knee in front of her chair. “I have a question for you,” he said softly.

Her eyes filled with sudden tears as she watched him intently. Her hand shook a little and grew ice cold in his. Steve, her beautiful Steve was proposing! Her heart beat so loud she almost couldn’t hear his words.

He opened the box, offering her a beautiful silver band, set with three diamonds and engraved with hearts and roses on the band. “Will you marry me?” He asked, trying his hardest to keep his voice steady. He still didn’t know how this woman could render him a blubbering mess! 

Ruth started to cry, trying to sniffle discreetly. “Yes, Steve! Yes!” Her voice was soft and tear washed but her earnestness was clear. 

He carefully slipped the ring on her finger and pulled her into his arms, kissing her tenderly.“I love you,” he whispered. 

Two other tables that had witnessed the exchange, clapped. 

Steve finally let her go, grinned at them and retook his seat, pouring a bit more wine for both of them. “To us,” he said, holding up his wine glass. 

She carefully touched hers to his. “Forever.” 

//////

“I’m not changing his diaper,” Clint said stubbornly. “I didn’t change the baby I’m definitely not changing a big stinky bum.”

Natasha looked at him in frustration. “Seriously? C’mon Clint! I’m feeding the baby. Can you please just change Bucky?”

Clint rolled his eyes. “I’m not the babysitter.” 

Nat chewed her lip to keep her temper in check. “Then why are you here?” She asked in short, clipped tones.

Clint shrugged. “Ruth always has cookies.” 

She sighed as Bucky sat up, definitely making clean up that much more difficult. Nat didn’t care to change adult poopy diapers but she would so Ruth and Steve could have an evening. 

Serenity finished her bottle and Tasha gave her to Clint. “Burp her.” 

She got a clean diaper, wipes and a change pad for Bucky. “You got a stinky bum,”she said, laying him on his back. 

He was actually laying quietly for once so she took advantage of it. “Can you go grab his pjs, Clint? They’re on the change table.” 

Clint disappeared, still patting Serenity. 

Nat used way more wipes than Ruth ever would have, but she got Bucky cleaned up. She had just put the fresh diaper under him when he started to pee. “Aw damn,” she groaned, scrabbling to cover him with the clean diaper.“Grab me another diaper too, please,” she called to Clint.

Bucky was finally clean and diapered and in his pajamas. 

Tasha rubbed her face. “These two are a lot of work!” 

“Yeah they are!” Clint agreed. Serenity was sleeping against his chest now, chubby cheek resting on his forearm. 

A sudden loud knock startled both children into crying. 

Nick Fury walked in, taking in the situation. “Uh...did I ...do that?”

Natasha and Clint both nodded, trying valiantly to stop the screaming. 

“Can you grab the blue bottle from the fridge?” Nat yelled to be heard. 

Fury found the bottle in question. “Does it need to be warmed up?” 

“Twenty seconds,” Nat answered. 

Bucky’s cries petered out once the formula hit his tongue. 

Clint gave the baby to Nat, then carried him to his crib and tucked him in. “Good night, bud.”

Bucky looked at him sleepily, sucking steadily at his bottle nipple. 

Clint gave him a kiss. “Love you buddy. Don’t tell Nat I enjoyed tonight.” He smiled fondly at him. 

Bucky gave him a little grin then closed his eyes. 


	24. End of The Line ch 4

The team was beyond thrilled that Steve had finally popped the question. It was going to be a small wedding. Ruth didn’t want a big wedding.Her family was here now and she wanted to invite Annie and a few other New York friends. 

They set a date. Because it wasn’t going to be a fancy thing, they decided six months was perfect.Serenity would be old enough to be awake for it because they wanted pictures with the kids as well. 

//////

*four months later*

 

What had started as pretty much the team and a few friends had grown to encompass SHIELD personnel as well as most of the people Ruth had worked with! 

When news of their engagement had spread, Ruth kept hearing how excited everyone was that Steve was finally settling down! 

So Ruth kept inviting people and it ended up there were sixty people coming! She was overwhelmed with the love everyone showed her. 

Tony had rented a beautiful restaurant and insisted to Ruth that he was going to take care of the food and the decorating. 

Ruth was quite happy to give that over to him. She was so tired already. Looking after two babies, essentially, and planning a wedding, wasn’t easy!

It was a huge challenge trying to keep Bucky on his schedule. He didn’t like the flurry of activity that had taken over the apartment the last few weeks.

There had been so many people in and out, asking about the many different things like cake, flowers, her dress and suits for her men. 

Bucky had cried petulantly the entire time the tailor had measured him for a suit. 

Ruth finally took three days where she scheduled nothing because both babies were very cranky. Serenity was teething and Bucky was overstimulated. They just needed some downtime.

Pepper and Nat had asked to come and plan a pre wedding party. 

Ruth was more than happy to see her friends. Steve had been working more now. Fury needed his help with certain ops and he’d spent a lot of days at the SHIELD offices. This left Ruth alone with the kids, which was fine but right now it was stressful.  

Bucky yelled at the girls as soon as they came in, making Serenity whine.

Ruth put him in his high chair, giving him one of his biter cookies. 

Nat bopped his nose gently trying to get a giggle but he frowned at her.“C’mon. You gonna be like that with Auntie Nat?”

He nodded. 

Pepper laughed. “You asked!”

Serenity wanted to be carried, chewing disconsolately on her fist. 

Ruth gave her a teething cookie as well and put her in the high chair across from Bucky.She cried until Ruth tapped her gums gently with the cookie.

Bucky pointed to it, jabbering unintelligibly. “Enty! My!” 

Ruth sighed a little. “You have your cookie.” She tapped his hand. Jenny had worked hard with him on the jealousy he had towards Serenity but it was still present at times. 

Distracted he sucked noisily on his cookie again. His drooling had gotten a bit better to where he didn’t have to wear a bib constantly. Bucky held his soggy cookie out to Nat now, his mood from earlier gone. “Na!”

Pepper chuckled softly. “He’s talking more!”

Ruth smiled. “He tries. If you don’t know him it would just be baby talk but I can actually understand him quite often.” 

Natasha declined the cookie. “Bucky can have the cookie.”

He stuck it back in his mouth, sucking happily.

“How are you holding up now that our princess is moving so much?” Pepper asked as she gently chucked the baby under her chin. “She is precious.”

Serenity looked like an angel but there were days when Ruth wondered if she wasn’t the opposite. She had a halo of light blonde curls that were unruly at best. Her eyes were the same colour as Steve’s. 

Serenity was already crawlingand had to be watched constantly. Jenny had commented that Serenity was a go getter. 

“She has her daddy’s sense of adventure,” Ruth said wryly. 

“Please tell me she has your common sense though!” Nat burst out and the three women dissolved into laughter. 

“She’s more like her dad every day,” Ruth answered, wiping laughter tears from her eyes. “I’m not sure yet about the sense of self preservation!”

“Is Bucky doing better with moving around?” Pepper asked, turning attention to her adopted nephew and lightly tapping his nose. “It’s a good thing he’s so cute!” 

Bucky pushed his cookie at her, his chin covered in drool and cookie crumbs and reached for his cup of milk. 

Pepper spent a lot of time with Bucky. At least once a week she took him from lunch until dinner to give Ruth a break. 

“Jenny has been working hard with him but he’s stubborn. I know! We’re all surprised, right?” She snickered. “We do have him crawling more. I think it’s more because he wants to keep up with his sister.” 

“Probably,” they agreed. 

The girls talked about the party for a bit then left a few hours later to the chorus of crying from tired children. 

“I’ve gotta put them to bed!” Ruth sighed to the messy kitchen. 

Steve hadn’t been home much for the last several days. He was preparing to go on a mission that Fury needed him for. He’d apologized to Ruth about the timing. 

She knew he had to work. It was life. 

She changed Serenity first and put her in her crib with a pacifier. 

Bucky was changed next. She noticed he had the beginning of another diaper rash. “Mama needs to change you more often, my boy.” She diapered him after putting cream on the rash and then kissed his belly until he giggled. 

Once he was tucked in, pacifier in his mouth, and teddy tightly in his arms, he was almost asleep immediately. 

Rubbing her eyes, tired herself, Ruth went and cleaned up the kitchen of lunch dishes, sticky high chair trays and spills. The living room was a disaster area of toys. She started tossing most of them towards the toybox. 

Between Bucky and Serenity, the toybox was always empty and toys spread everywhere. Ruth side stepped a few bigger things and sank onto the couch. She hadn’t realized just how tired she was.

She should tell Steve about the envelope she’d received several days ago. It seemed like they never had time to talk. This wasn’t something she could just blurt out. She had thought her memories and sadness over Ryan was done.  One reminder had brought back so many memories. 

The door opened and a minute later Steve was smiling at her gently. “Hi baby doll. Tired?”

She nodded. “Long morning.”

“Specs are written up, Clint, Tony and I head out in a couple of hours.” He pulled her into his warm embrace. 

She snuggled in happily. “Okay. How long are you gone?”

“Providing the op is as simple as Fury hopes, we should be back tomorrow night.” 

Ruth sighed again. “I hope the kids sleep tonight. They’ve both been so cranky.” She let the envelope issue go. He had other things to think about. Now wasn’t the time. 

“You want Nat to come stay?” He asked. 

She shook her head. “We’ll be okay. Bucky has another rash. I’m wondering if it’s something I’m feeding him.”

Steve frowned in thought. “You want me to get Dr. Andres? He’s good.”

“I’ll leave it till you get back.” She rested her foreheadagainst his neck. “It could be stress.”

Steve nodded. “Could be. We’ve all been a little stressed.”

Ruth studied his face, reading the hesitant embarrassment, and then gently dipped a finger under the waistband of his pull-up under his jeans. “You’re wet,” she said softly, looking at him in question. 

He nodded, blushing a little. “I can’t seem to stay dry right now. I’ve tried.” 

Ruth smiled. “C’mon. I’m going to change you.”

Steve’s eyes went wide. Despite sharing a bed for some time, this was one part of their intimacy that they hadn’t explored yet. He followed her to their bedroom and stood there uncertainly. 

“On the bed,” she ordered quietly. 

Steve chewed his bottom lip and then lay down, watching as she got things out. She was smiling, enjoying this. What would it be like to have her change him? He felt a stiffy bloom at the thought. 

She unbuttoned his jeans and patted his hip. “Lift.”

When she pulled his jeans off, goose bumps shivered across his bare thighs, especially when she trailed a hand slowly down his leg.

She tore the sides of his soggy pull-up. “Such a wet boy,” she whispered, looking at him. 

Steve felt colour burn in his cheeks at the implication in her tone. “Yeah.”

She pulled the pull-up away from his skin, wiping it with a wipe. “Don’t want a rash.”

The moment was so intimate, such a different sense of touching than when it was mutual foreplay, that Steve’s senses were left reeling. 

She patted his hip again. “Up.” 

He lifted and she slid an actual diaper underneath.“If you’re having issues, wear these. They’re better for keeping the wetness away from your skin.” 

He nodded. “I know.” His voice was breathy and he tried to calm himself. 

She smiled at him, her eyes twinkling as she gently tucked him down as much as possible  to prevent leaking. “You like it when I change you?”

Steve laughed. “Yeah. Of course! I think that was obvious.”

Ruth giggled. “Good. I’ll do it more often.”

They snuggled after he was changed for awhile, lazily trading kisses but Ruth was honestly just too tired for anything else. 

Steve ran a hand through her hair. “Honey, are you sure you’re okay?”

Should she tell him now? That she’d received something that had awakened memories she was fighting against? His eyes were soft and happy even with his concern. “Just a lot going on,” she smiled.  “Between wedding plans and cranky kids, my days feel overwhelming.” Why couldn’t she just say it?

The few hours with Steve went quickly. 

He packed a small bag then got ready to go. 

Ruth reluctantly swallowed back sudden tears. “Are you able to call me?” Her voice hitched a bit.

Steve looked torn. “I wish I didn’t have to go.” He kissed her softly. “Yeah we can talk. The op isn’t top secret this time. Communication is allowed.”

“So we’ll talk tonight?” She gave him a bright smile. 

He nodded and with another quick kiss, he was gone. 

It was only a few minutes later that she heard Bucky on the monitor, talking to himself. 

She let him out of his crib, and then checked on Serenity. She was also awake, sitting and grinning. 

Ruth took them both into the living room and turned on Paw Patrol. 

Bucky bounced happily on his bottom and Ruth had to laugh when Serenity copied him. 

Bucky stared at her for a moment then did it again, giggling when she copied him. 

Ruth whipped her phone out and started videotaping it for Steve. This was cute! 

Serenity was watching him closely. 

Bucky bounced a little, giggling harder when she did it too, making her giggle too. 

 The game went on until Serenity lost her balance and fell over.  When she crawled over to the toybox, Bucky followed.

Before two minutes had passed, the two were fighting over a foam block they both wanted. 

She settled the disagreement, then went and warmed up two bottles. 

Ruth had spent a lot of time thinking about what Serenity would be like as she got older and how she would be with Bucky. He wasn’t trying to hit her anymore which was good. Would Serenity learn to accept Bucky as she grew up?

Even her coming wedding was giving her jitters. She realized a lot of it had to do with the trauma of losing Ryan. Preparing to marry Steve was bringing back so many feelings. The magazine she’d received about his research had only served to cut those scars open further. 

As she gave Serenity her bottle and watched Bucky lay on the floor with his, her thoughts finally turned to Ryan. Somehow, telling Steve almost seemed like admitting she was cheating! She was a psychiatrist! Why was her brain such a mess?

Ryan’s  research had helped so many people with special needs get the help they needed. The stroller Bucky and Serenity shared now was custom made, using the formula that Ryan had discovered. The stroller was still lightweight enough for Ruth to push but could hold both kids comfortably. 

She knew the sad pang that settled in her chest was because she was tired and overwhelmed with all the stuff that had been going on. She loved Steve dearly and would not trade getting married to him for anything. This part of her that missed Ryan was something she hadn’t told anyone else about. She would just deal with it on her own. 

The magazine and the check had just been bad timing. She should have told Steve. 

Ruth’s eyes watered as she pulled the magazine from its hiding place under the couch. A week ago it had come in a plain white envelope addressed to her. She’d opened it while Steve was at work and had felt weak with shock. 

Ryan’s picture, one from about five or six years ago stared up at her, his cheeky smile and sparkling eyes forever preserved on a magazine’s glossy cover. 

‘Ryan Haring Recognized For Ground Breaking Research’.

Unbidden her mind jumped back eight years ago, to a time when she was a wide eyed freshman at NYC, and Ryan was a sophomore genius in the psychology club they’d met in. 

The first week of college had been so confusing. She couldn’t find her classes, and she kept getting turned around! Being from a tiny town definitely put her at a disadvantage. 

She stared up at the large building, trying to decide if it was the right one when a deep voice asked, “Need some help?” 

She turned to find a muscular sophomore, wearing a school jersey, a hint of humour playing on his handsome face as he studied her. 

“I’m just trying to find first year psychology.” She smiled at him, taking in the light brown curls and warm brown eyes. 

“I’ll show you,” he said easily, offering her his arm. “I’m Ryan.” 

“Ruth,” she returned giving him a grin. “Thanks for taking pity on me.”

“It was my pleasure.” He gave her a little wink and showed her to her classroom. 

A week later, she went to the club at her teacher’s urging and lo and behold, there he was. 

Having this large interest in common, they started hanging out.

When Ruth told her room mate about Ryan, Tawni gaped at her in shock. 

“Girl! That’s Ryan Haring! How the hell did you hook up with him?”

Ruth shrugged. “He’s smart and he likes psychology. He’s sweet.”

Tawni shrugged. “You’re the first girl who’d know. The guy is not one to date. He could have anyone! He’s a soph, he’s hot, he plays football and he’s loaded!”

“Loaded?” Ruth asked in confusion.

Tawni groaned. “You are so backwards. The guy is rich!!”

“Oh,” Ruth was disappointed. Most rich people were jerks. 

“Word has it, he’s even up for an award for some research he’s doing! He’s some genius psycho or something,” Tawni continued.

Ruth chuckled and stored that to share with Ryan for later. 

It became a joke between them, that they were both psycho or something. 

Marriage to Ryan had been a small slice of heaven except for never having children. The cancer had made sure of that!

With a shuddering sigh, she shook herself back into the present. It had been the hardest thing she’d probably ever do but she had grown stronger because of it. 

She wiped her tears away but more ran down her cheeks as memories continued to assai her. She caressed the cover gently. 

Serenity reached up and touched Ruth’s face. “Ma?”

Ruth smiled through her tears. “Hi, baby. Mommy is okay.”

Bucky crawled over, the bottle nipple clenched between his teeth. He patted her leg then climbed up beside her. 

She lay the magazine aside in the interest of keeping it safe. 

Bucky lay his head clumsily against her shoulder, whimpering. 

She rubbed his back. “You guys wanna go see Auntie Pepper?” She wasn’t going to sit here and let her memories get to her. 

Bucky looked at her,patting his bottle. 

Serenity belched and grinned. 

Ruth got up and unfolded the stroller. 

Bucky immediately came and climbed into his seat. He loved the stroller! 

Serenity’s seat was a bit higher since it was that much smaller and sat facing him. 

Ruth locked his five point harness in place, buckled the baby into her seat, grabbed the diaper bag, blankets and favourite plushies then walked out of the apartment, eager to see her friend. Being alone with Ryan’s memory was not where she wanted to be today. 


	25. End of the Line ch 5

The day of the wedding dawned perfectly beautiful and clear. The sun was rising over the skyline as Steve stood there with his arms around Ruth.

She had shared her memories with him about Ryan on and off the last couple of weeks. 

It had sparked reflection of his own. He missed talking with Bucky so much. They’d had many silly or deep conversations over the years leading up to the war. 

He remembered after losing his mom, Bucky told him they’d always have each other. Bucky couldn’t have known then what would happen of course, but sometimes Steve felt a bitter pang of sadness for what he’d lost to Hydra in 1945. It was always accompanied by a huge amount of guilt.

He had Bucky physically, he should be happy with that. However, he silently grieved the fact that Bucky was not really here anymore. In his place was a man child who would never be more than that. 

He didn’t begrudge the fact that the doctor had saved Bucky’s life. He was so thankful. He hated the moments of sadness over losing the friendship that had seen him through so much. He wished he could just be happy that Bucky was alive! 

He gave a soft sigh. He wished sometimes he could have one more day with Bucky. Just one. To tell him how much things had changed, to have fun, maybe go on a real double date. 

He squeezed his eyes shut to stop the tears. 

Ruth turned in his arms, sensing his distress. “Steve? What’s wrong?”

“I just...miss Bucky sometimes,” he admitted brokenly. “It’s so stupid!-“

She placed a finger over his lips. “No. It’s not.”

Today, she wasn’t haunted by memories but she understood! 

Steve looked at her. “It is! I have him-!”

“Part of him,” she interrupted. “But not all. How long have you been carrying this grief alone Steven Grant Rogers?”

He smiled a little. “I like it when you get all heated up.”

Ruth quirked an eyebrow. “We’ll talk about this another day. It’s okay to feel what you feel.”

Steve shrugged. “Fair trade. Today isn’t the day for grief!” He nuzzled her neck and kissed her. 

She was so looking forward to becoming Mrs. Ruth Rogers. 

Bucky had officially become a Rogers a few weeks ago when his papers had come back. They were his government appointed guardians now, and Serenity had been christened Rogers at birth. They would be a whole family in name after today. 

Steve lay his chin on her head gently. “Thanks for understanding, Ruth.”

They didn’t talk any further as they watched the sun rise. 

In the last year, Steve had convinced Tony to build a large balcony on their apartment. The hydra threat was gone now. 

Tony had agreed and now they had a huge balcony that the kids loved as well. 

It was several minutes later when Steve heard Serenity cry. “I’ll get her,” he said.

His eight month old daughter grinned as soon as she saw daddy. 

“Good morning, princess,” he smiled, picking her up. 

She immediately wrapped her tiny fingers in his chest hair, giggling. “Dada!”

He kissed her and lay her on the change table. 

She held onto his hair and he yelped. “Ouch! You gotta let go!”

He changed her soaked diaper, then picked her up. Thinking he heard Bucky as well he silently opened the other nursery door. 

Bucky was still sleeping. 

Steve was glad. Bucky had been cranky yesterday and they needed him rested and well behaved today! 

Serenity was all smiles when she saw Ruth. She was proudly sporting four teeth on the bottom and the start of two on the top. 

Ruth patted her daughter. “Mama will make breakfast. Is brother still sleeping?”

“He is,” Steve said. They went to the kitchen where Steve put the baby into her high chair. 

She pointed at Bucky’s chair. “Bu?”

“Bucky’s still going ninight,” Ruth said.

“Bu?” She insisted.

“Going ninight,” Steve answered, starting the coffee. 

“BU??” She yelled. 

Steve and Ruth both started to laugh as they tried to shush her. She was used to Bucky being awake pretty much when she was. 

“She’s so smart,” Ruth said with a laugh. “Barely eight months old and she’s starting to talk! I think she picks stuff up from Bucky.”

“Probably,” Steve agreed. 

They had coffee and toast while Ruth fed Serenity her oatmeal. 

A whine over the monitor told them Bucky was awake. 

Steve went and got him up. “Hi bud. How’s my boy?” 

Bucky looked at him, sucking lazily at his pacifier. 

Steve lay him on his change table, pulling his pajama pants off. “Did you have a good sleep?” 

Bucky rubbed his eyes and yawned, losing the paci. “Daddy?” 

“Yes, bud?”

Bucky grinned, bouncing excitedly.He giggled when Steve pulled his wet diaper off. 

Steve held him down to wipe him then made quick work of putting on a fresh diaper. “All done. Lets go see mommy and sister.”

“Mama?” Bucky asked, grasping Steve’s arm as he hoisted the boy onto his hip.

“Yep, Mama is all ready to give you breakfast.”

Serenity got excited when Steve deposited Bucky into his chair. 

She chortled gleefully, clapping her chubby hands. 

Bucky grinned and clapped his hands too. 

It was going to be a busy day and Steve was glad to see the smiles. 

By eleven, Ruth had her hair done up in a French braid around her head with small white flowers woven in.Pepper had done Serenity’s hair up in two little pigtails with wine coloured ribbons around them. 

Bucky even had his hair braided and tied back because when Pepper had done Serenity’s hair he’d insisted. 

The family was invited to the common room for lunch and then Ruth would go to Nat’s to get ready while Pepper helped Steve dress the kids. 

Ruth had given both children a bottle at ten and they’d both fallen asleep for an early nap in the stroller. 

The wedding started at two. 

Ruth was feeling nervous jitters to the point where she could barely eat. 

The kids were still both sleeping. Steve could feed them later. 

Lunch was quiet to avoid waking the babies. 

Tony poked Steve in the ribs. “Only one sandwich? What’s the matter, Rogers?” 

Steve shook his head and chuckled. “Yeah. I wonder.” He shot a wink at Ruth and she blushed. 

Nat snickered. “So which hotel are you two going to?” 

Ruth wasn’t willing to leave the kids for an actual honeymoon but they were leaving Bucky and Serenity with Tony and Pepper for the night. 

“Our secret,” Steve said airily and got beaned with a balled up napkin.

After a quick lunch, Ruth disappeared to Nat’s apartment telling Steve she’d see him at the venue. 

He took the stroller back to their apartment and decided he’d get dressed first. 

He changed his diaper, noting with chagrin that he was quite wet. He really hoped this would go away once the stress eased. 

He pulled on a wine coloured shirt, a pair of black dress pants, a black tie and a black suit jacket. 

He stared into the mirror, hardly recognizing himself. He’d shaved that morning so he was clean shaven. 

He went out to the living room to see if either of the kids was awake. 

Bucky was just stirring so Steve got him up, warming up a bottle then taking him into his bedroom and laying him on the bed. “You got stinky bum?” He asked, sniffing suspiciously. 

Bucky drank his milk, blinking sleepily at him. 

Steve checked and wrinkled his nose. “Phew! You stink!” He blew a raspberry on Bucky’s stomach earning a giggle. 

Steve changed him, using baby powder to make him smell nice. 

Bucky resisted getting the wine coloured button down on. “No!” 

“Mama and daddy are getting married, buddy. Gotta look nice.” Steve distracted him long enough to button it up. 

Bucky was wearing dress pants and a black vest. No tie as he’d probably pull it off anyway. 

Bucky was whining by the time Steve was done dressing him. 

Adding a bib, Steve put him in his high chair just as Pepper walked in. She whistled. “Wow! You boys look stunning!”

Bucky got baby food today for simplicity sake. 

Serenity was starting to cry. 

Steve got her, cuddling the sleepy baby. “Hey princess, you want food?”

“I’ll feed them,” Pepper said, “You don’t want to get dirty.”

“Thanks!” He said earnestly. 

He hurried to Serenity’s room and looked at the pile of things on her dresser.He wasn’t sure if he’d do so well with tights! 

Pepper fed both children until they were satisfied then cleaned their faces before they could touch anything. 

Steve took Serenity to her room. “Let’s get you ready. Daddy has to leave in twenty minutes!” 

Her messy diaper was changed in short order. 

He got the white dress over her head with plenty of cries of protest. He almost lost the baby in what seemed hundreds of frilly layers of fabric. It didn’t help that she was fighting him.

Finally he got her arms in the ruffled sleeves and zipped up the dress. He had to smile. She really looked like a princess now. 

The tights were another story. He would get one foot in, andhalf the other then she would kick the first one out. After several attempts, he desperately called Pepper. 

In fifteen seconds flat, the tights were on and Pepper was fastening the wine coloured patent leather dress shoes on her chubby feet. 

With Pepper’s help, Steve got the kids back into the stroller and promised to see them in a bit. He ran out the door, not wanting to be late! 

Steve showed up at the restaurant and found it had been transformed into a beautiful wedding fairy tale. All the decorations were wine, white and silver. 

The justice of the peace that was marrying them came forward. “Mr. Rogers, nice to see you. Do you have a witness today?”

“Yes, he will be coming a bit later.” Steve followed the elderly man into a small room, a storage room, obviously that was being used as an office. Clint and Nat were their witnesses today. 

People were starting to show up. It was barely one-thirty! His thoughts turned to Ruth. His nervousness clashed with his excitement creating a nauseous anxiety. 

His brain wouldn’t settle down he was getting! Married! Oh! Gosh!! He almost felt like he was going to puke for a moment. 

The JP patted his broad shoulder. “Breathe and relax. You have your vows?” 

Steve nodded and pulled the folded paper out of his pocket. 

Ruth twirled in front of Nat’s mirror slowly. Her long white dress had a wine coloured train and wine ribbons at the shoulders straps. 

Natasha made sure the dress was firmly in place before calling Happy and gathering the train up. “Let’s go.”

Ruth no longer had jitters. She was excited! 

Pepper and Tony had already gone before with the kids. 

When she arrived, she was immediately pointed to an alcove to wait for the Wedding March. 

Ruth did have a moment when she heard Serenity cry but it wasn’t long before she was quiet again. 

The wedding started with a small speech from Sam, thanking everyone for coming. They had elected him the Master of Ceremonies. 

He asked Steve and Clint to come out and the applause sounded. 

The recorded music started to play and Nat smiled at her before going out. 

“Please rise for the bride,” Sam said. 

Ruth started out, feeling like she was in a dream. Then she saw Steve, his eyes glued to her. 

She didn’t notice anything else. 

They exchanged their vows and the rose gold rings and then they were introduced as Mr and Mrs Steve Rogers! The thunderous applause startled Bucky who screamed for a few moments but Pepper got him calmed down. 

The meal was lovely, Ruth was sure. She couldn’t have said what they had. She was too lost in the depths of Steve’s eyes. 

The day passed by in a lovely dream like state. 

At seven the newly weds left for their one night away. 

Steve took her to the fancy hotel and they were shown to the honeymoon suite. 

The rest.....was history.Tomorrow life would go back to normal, mostly. 


	26. End of the Line Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the people who liked this series. :) Adding a bit more!

_Five_ _Years_ _Later_

 

Ruth braided Serenity’s hair into two long plaits, somewhat successfully taming the wild tumble of golden curls that cascaded halfway down her back. 

“Mama,” she said plaintively, jiggling from one foot to the other. “Are you almost done?” 

“I’d be done sooner if you’d stand still,” Ruth said. 

Her daughter huffed but stopped moving. “Is daddy coming to school too?” 

“Yes, baby girl. Daddy is coming to see you settled in too.”

“What ‘bout Bubu?” She asked. 

Ruth smiled. Bubu had stuck from when she was just learning to talk and it was her affectionate term for her “baby” brother.She loved Bucky dearly. 

He loved her too. She was still “Enty” and she was okay with that. 

Serenity was a feisty, mulish child but the second Bucky would pout and say “Enty” she would be at his side. 

She had a lot of friends from preschool and not one of them was allowed to say a word against her brother. 

Ruth finally finished her hair and gave her back a pat. “You want your brother to come? I was going to leave him with Auntie Pepper.”

“Auntie Pepper has baby Lily to look after, mama. I want Bucky to see my school too!”

“Are you going to be okay if he cries?” Ruth had noticed how sensitive her little girl was to people’s reactions to Bucky. 

“If we take his paci and his lamby and maybe his blankie he’ll be happy?” Serenity wheedled. 

Ruth chuckled. “Alright. Go see if you can find lamby in the living room. Mama will change him.”

Bucky giggled gleefully when she walked into his room. “Hey stinker,” she said affectionately. “You gonna come see Serenity off to school?” 

“Enty,” he mumbled around his pacifier. 

Ruth changed him and got him dressed. 

Serenity danced in holding the soft plush lamb that Bucky had received for his birthday. It was his current favourite. “Look Bubu, lamby!”

He squealed with delight, reaching for it. 

“Is daddy inside?” Ruth asked. “If he is, can you tell him to come carry Bucky?”

Steve appeared a minute later. “Hi baby doll,” He swung Bucky onto his hip, stealing a kiss from Ruth. 

“Daddy! Yuck!” Serenity screeched, giggling as Steve picked her up with his free arm. 

“What?? You don’t like kisses?” He peppered her face with kisses until she was laughing. 

“Stop! You’ll wreck my hair!”

“Me!” Bucky giggled. 

Steve kissed his face quickly ending with a kiss to his nose. 

“What time does our princess have to be at school?”

“At nine,” Ruth answered, grinning. “I’ll just warm a bottle for Bucky.” 

“I’m not a princess, daddy!” She protested. “Auntie Nat said I could be a spy like her!”

“Oh she did?” He asked, making a frightened face. “Yikes!” 

The little girl laughed and wiggled in his grasp wrapping her arms around his neck. “Gonna bite you like black widow!”

He threw his head back. “Aaaah, I’m so hurt,” he cried softly so as not to startle Bucky who was watching the interaction. 

Steve was an amazing daddy. Serenity was always wanting his attention and he never put her off unless he wasn’t home.

“Can you put Bucky in his stroller?” Ruth asked. 

Steve set his daughter down and unfolded the stroller putting Bucky in it, and buckling him in. 

“Nam!” He whined.

Steve frowned. “What?” 

“His lamby, daddy!” Serenity supplied picking up the dropped plush and putting it in Bucky’s hand. 

Once Bucky was suckling happily at his bottle, the family left the tower, walking towards the school in the morning sunshine. 

Serenity was bouncing with excitement and Steve had to catch her a few times when she nearly fell off the sidewalk.He threw her into the air and settled her on his broad shoulders. 

“Giddyup daddy!” She yelled wrapping her fingers in his hair and kicking the heels of her new Scarlet Witch sneakers against his chest. 

“Ow! Settle down!” Steve rolled his eyes. “Did you give her sugar for breakfast?”

Ruth laughed. “Nope. Oatmeal.”

At the school, they mingled with other kindergarten parents. 

Serenity was so not shy.She was introducing her family to anyone who would listen.

Ruth was wondering at the gentle chuckles her words were getting until she heard her daughter say, “My dad is Captain America. My mom isn’t anyone special.”

Steve put a stop to that pretty quick. Ruth had to bite her tongue to hold back her laugh. 

Bucky looked around with wide eyes. “Enty.” His word was so quiet, Ruth hardly heard it. 

“Serenity is going to school today, baby,” she said gently. 

Serenity came back and gave Bucky a kiss. “Be a good boy for mama and daddy, ‘kay?”

“Out?” He pleaded. 

Steve sighed. “We better get going. We’re going to have tears.”

Ruth hugged her daughter. “Be good.” 

“I will. Take good care of Bubu! He’s gonna miss me.” She patted Bucky’s leg. 

Steve also gave her a hug. “Love you, princess.”

She kissed his cheek. “I’m not a princess anymore! I’m black widow! Auntie Nat said I could.”

Steve’s look of concern was interrupted by Bucky’s cry when Serenity joined the others on the carpet. 

Steve and Ruth left, walking slowly and trying to calm Bucky’s tantrum. 

He called for ‘Enty’ over and over, fighting against his restraint. 

At the tower, Steve took him out of the stroller and carried him till he was calm.“It’s gonna be different for him now.”

“He was so used to having her around,” Ruth agreed. “Preschool was only two mornings a week.” She showed Steve a chocolate pudding.“Let’s give him a treat.” 

Bucky eagerly ate the pudding. It was a rare treat because he didn’t do well with much sugar. 

Steve sat on the couch with him afterwards and turned on an action drama show he’d been watching earlier. 

Bucky was content now, mouthing one of Steve’s hands and drooling on it.  “Where’s your paci?” Steve asked.  The pacifier was missing from the clip on his shirt.  “Ruth? Have you seen the pacifier? It’s not on his shirt.”

Ruth came in a moment later. “Here it is, it must have fallen off when he was struggling.”

Bucky accepted the paci and leaned back. 

Steve snuggled him, glad that Bucky was here to enjoy. Otherwise today would have been harder.He missed his little girl. She was not a quiet person and was always in his space when he was home. He loved her sense of curiosity and adventure. 

He wondered how five years had passed so quickly!  She was outspoken, stubborn, adventurous and she loved without holding back. Serenity had been good for Bucky too. He was talking more. 

Ruth came and cuddled up to Steve. “Feels quiet without our chatterbox.” 

“I know. I can actually hear my show,” he laughed. 

Her eyes roved to the pictures that now lined the walls. 

Their wedding photos had turned out beautifully. Only because the photographer was a saint! Getting both kids to cooperate had been fun... 

Three years ago, they had gotten pictures professionally done of Serenity and Bucky. Again, the photographer had patience while Ruth cajoled an uncooperative Bucky and bribed him with a new toy. 

There was a picture of the two of them that she absolutely loved. Bucky was laying on his stomach with Serenity sitting beside him with a book. He had looked up at her as she talked and the photographer had captured the moment. 

Serenity was a diva and loved pictures. She had posed without problems. 

They’d gotten a few of Bucky alone.Getting him to smile wasn’t easy when he didn’t know the person. 

Steve leaned over and kissed her hair. “Hey, Ruthie girl. Where did you go?” 

She snapped back to the present and smiled at him. “Just remembering picture day adventures.”

Steve laughed. “That was fun. Especially when this guy decided to mess his pants.”

Ruth chuckled.It was never boring. 

Bucky looked up at Steve. “Uck.” 

“That’s right. You made a big yuck that day.” Steve tweaked his nose. “You like making things difficult.” 

Bucky grabbed Steve’s hand and sucked on his finger. 

“He has a lot more words than the doctor ever thought he would,” Ruth said. 

Steve nodded. “I think Serenity helped with that.” 

“I think so.” Ruth leaned on his shoulder, enjoying his time.

Steve’s phone rang and he frowned at the unfamiliar number. “Hello.” 

“Mr. Rogers, this is Leah Kensing, Serenity’s teacher. She, uh, punched a boy at recess because he was a bully.” The teacher sounded unhappy. 

Steve’s heart sank, his memories flashing back to all his cut lips and black eyes in his younger years. “Is she okay?”

“She’s fine,” the teacher assured, “But she told me you said it was okay to hit bullies. Mr. Rogers, in our school we don’t hit people.”

Steve’s memories flew back to his younger days and the times he’d found kids torturing animals or smaller children.  “Was he bigger than she is? Did she happen to tell you why she punched the bully?”  He asked. 

“Yes. He was a grade four boy. She said he made fun of her brother.” The teacher sighed. 

Steve smiled. “Good for her.”

“Please don’t encourage this behaviour!” She exclaimed. 

Steve thought about it for a long moment. “Ma’am, generations pass and some things change but there’s one thing I will teach my daughter.To defend her family and her rights.”

The teacher sounded miffed. “You realize that’s a good way for her to end up in detention or worse as she gets older.”

“I know,” Steve agreed. “I don’t like bullies.”

He hung up the phone and sat pensively.“Serenity picked a fight with an eight year old boy for making fun of Buck.”

Ruth rolled her eyes. “She is so much your daughter, Steven Grant Rogers!” 

He laughed. “Yes she is. Now.  I think this guy is snoozing, which means you and I have some time for us!”

Ruth winked and nodded, then followed him to Bucky’s room to tuck their boy into his crib. 

Having alone time was getting easier but it still wasn’t easy with two children and she had a feeling it was about to get more difficult soon. 

An hour later, in the afterglow, Ruth stroked Steve’s hair back. “I’m turning thirty eight this year.”

“Spring chicken,” Steve giggled. 

She laughed. “Yes, compared to you, I suppose.”

Steve kissed her. “You’re beautiful.”

She studied his face. “Will you still find me beautiful in eight months? When I’m bigger?”

Steve frowned in confusion. “Huh?”

Ruth smiled gently and let him think on her words. 

Suddenly he understood and squealed softly with excitement. “Oh my gosh! Really?”

She nodded. “My doctor said this had to be the last one because of my age.” 

“It will be a perfect family!” Steve agreed, hugging her gently. “Oh Ruth! Thank you.”

She closed her eyes, basking in his love. “Steve, I love having your babies.”

“You think Bucky will be jealous again?” Steve asked suddenly. 

“I don’t know but we’re old hands at this now. What can surprise us, really?”

“True,” Steve chuckled. “We’ve truly become experienced parents.”

“And a family,” Ruth said softly. “That’s all I ever wanted.” 

“Me too,” Steve said, cuddling up to her. 

 


	27. The End of the Line Ch 7

Life did surprise them however. At the ultrasound, Ruth and Steve were given the news that they were having twin boys! 

Ruth stared at Steve in wonder and a sense of craziness. “Oh no. We’re going to have three in diapers! Steve!” 

Steve laughed a little. “Well, we did want four kids.”

Ruth had to agree but she had the feeling life was about to get really crazy!! 

At the team dinner that Friday, Ruth took ten month old Lily for a moment to see what Bucky would do. 

Bucky was in his high chair watching her. “Lee?” He pointed at the baby. “Un To ba.” 

“Yes sweetheart. This is Uncle Tony’s baby,” Ruth giggled. “But mama loves holding her.”

“How did the ultrasound go?” Nat asked. 

Ruth looked at Steve with a smile. “Go ahead, honey.”

Steve looked around at the expectant, eager faces of his team and best friends. “We’re having twin boys!”

There was a round of applause. 

Bucky's bottom lip quivered at the noise but Serenity was quick to give him his pacifier. 

“Guys!” She demanded. “Be quiet! You’re scaring my lil brother!”

The team immediately settled down, chuckling at the dirty look the little girl cast around the table. She looked so much like her dad! 

Steve swung her onto his lap. “C’mere missy.”

“Daddy!! I’m too big to sit on your lap!” She protested.” 

Tony leaned over and whispered something into Serenity’s ear.

The girl stopped struggling and stared at her uncle. “Really?” 

Tony nodded slowly. “Now! How about some dinner!

Bucky banged his high chair tray. “NU NU!!”

Ruth started feeding him, laughing at his indignant squawk when she didn’t fill the spoon fast enough. “Enough talking, huh?”

Lily clapped her chubby hands and reached for Bucky’s pacifier on his high chair tray. 

“MY!” He yelled, snatching it up. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head wildly, hair flying and making everyone laugh. 

“What are you doing? You goof,” Steve laughed, ruffling his hair. 

Bucky drew his eyebrows down and glared at Steve. “Nu num!” He growled. 

Serenity burst into giggles. “Bu bu you’re being so silly!!”

Bucky giggled until Lily reached for him again and then he yelled at her, making a face. 

Steve was glad they had a few months to figure things out. Bucky was definitely going to have jealousy issues. 

Pepper moved Lily away from him. “Lily stop being a stinker.” She gave the baby a cracker. “Looks like you might need some help once the boys are born.”

Ruth agreed. “I have a feeling you’re right!”

//////

_One_ _year_ _later_

Ruth wearily changed Elijah Steven’s diaper again. Evan James was definitely more laid back but he was demanding too. She felt like all she did was change diapers and feed children. She had put the boys on bottles full time already. It wasn’t easy however. Bucky and the boys were at constant odds. He took the boys’ pacifiers constantly. Serenity was a big help but she had school. 

Even with Pepper’s help, life was crazy. Not only did Elijah and Evan keep them busy, eighteen month old Lily whom Bucky followed like a magnet, kept both of them in constant trouble. They cleaned out the plastics cupboard daily, dumped the toy box, fought over the toys, shared pacifiers and then to Ruth’s horror and disgust, someone forgot to shut the bathroom door one day and both babies got into _everything_! Bucky had very helpfully thrown several expensive items of makeup into the toilet (which was, very thankfully, clean)! Lily was fishing for the items and Bucky was giggling. 

Pepper discovered the troublemakers and bathed them both, making sure to brush their teeth and wash their mouths as well since they had eaten some of the makeup; wether before or  _after_ the fishing she didn’t know. 

Later, pepper and Ruth had a good laugh over it on one of the rare afternoons when all the children were sleeping. 

Ruth was wondering what had possessed her to want four children! 

When the twins turned two, Steve knew something had to change. The three boys were now in cahoots with Lily and Serenity had become a seven year old tattletale! 

“Daddy! The boys and Lily are jumping on the couch! Mommy! Bucky and Evan are licking the floor! Auntie Pepper! Lily and Elijah are outside in only their diapers!” And so it went.

“Serenity needs someone to play with,” Steve told Ruth one evening, rocking a very sleepy Evan. His boy looked so much like Serenity. Golden curls, blue eyes, blinking sleepily now, and he was tall for two. Where Serenity had Ruth’s smaller build, the boys were definitely going to look more like their dad!

Ruth nodded, cuddling Elijah. Bucky was asleep in the special swing that they’d gotten for him. It was a large circular seat with a five point harness on a low A frame. He loved it. He had a mild summer cold and was sleeping more. Not that either of them minded! They’d had all the kids at the park for a few hours today. They were worn out. 

Serenity came in, zipping up her pink unicorn onesie. “Mommy?” 

“Yes?” Ruth asked, drawing her daughter to her side. 

“Why am I the only girl in the family? I want a sister.” She gave her mother a pleading look. “Please?”

Ruth sighed. “We have enough babies. Why don’t we plan a sleepover with one of your friends?”

The little girl frowned. “No. All the girls in my class are too prissy. I need an adventure girl.”

Steve smiled. He had an idea. He texted Nat. 

Two days later Natasha came in full black widow gear to pick up Serenity for her adventure sleepover. 

“She’s never going to let us forget this,” Ruth laughed, watching Serenity dance excitedly down to the elevator with Nat. 

“We’re just parents now,” Steve grinned, balancing Bucky on his hip and stopping Elijah from jumping off the cupboard. 

“Yay Yaja!” Bucky crowed, egging his brother on. He clapped his hands and wiped his runny nose on Steve’s shoulder. 

“Eww!” Steve groaned. “I need a Kleenex. His nose is running so bad. And because he’s stuffed up he’s drooling worse.”

Ruth laughed. “At least he’s not too cranky.” She wiped Bucky’s face. “He does encourage the boys though. Were you this crazy as a child?” 

Steve’s eyes widened. “Me??” He grinned. “Much worse. I was always in trouble.”

Ruth laughed. “They come by it honestly.” 

Elijah climbed onto Steve’s broad shoulders, his little hands grasping tightly to Steve’s hair. “Daddy!” He leaned over and kissed Steve’s eye. “Wove you!” 

“I love you too!” Steve said, swinging Elijah onto the floor with his free arm. 

Bucky suddenly planted a sloppy kiss on Steve’s cheek. “Da! Wove!”

Steve’s eyes watered of their own volition. He couldn’t say anything but kissed Bucky’s forehead, holding him tightly. He loved hearing it from all his kids but hearing it from Bucky was somehow just...different. 

Ruth noticed the look. “Every now and then he can get those words out,” she said, a soft smile on her face. “It’s all the more special because it’s so rare.”

Steve nodded. “We’re rare, Ruth. Our whole family.”

Once again, Ruth had to agree. 

 


	28. Chapter 28

_Five_ _Years_ _Later_

There were blue and white streamers hung from the ceiling in the communal kitchen. A huge bouquet of Paw Patrol helium balloons bobbed gently off to one side.

The large table was set with Paw Patrol plates, cups and birthday hats. 

Pepper looked around.It looked pretty fun. The huge stack of presents on the side tablewere wrapped in bright eye catching paper. 

Tony came in and looked at the decorations. “He’ll love it.” 

Pepper smiled. “I know he will. The fact that everyone can be here is what’s the best. Thor hasn’t been back for several years.” 

Tony kissed her jaw tenderly. “Where is our offspring? At the Rogers? I am assuming?”

Pepper laughed. “Where else? Steve was going to take the kids outside and play catch so Bucky could nap before the party.”

“Ready made siblings,” Tony giggled. “Don’t think I could’ve handled more than one Stark kid.”

Pepper rolled her eyes. “You’re still a kid, Tony.”

Tony laughed outright. “Yep. But I throw great parties!” 

Pepper smiled and kissed him back. 

////

Ruth finished mopping the floor and sat down for a rare moment of quiet. 

The twins at seven and almost eight year old Lily were constant motion and energy. 

Serenity was not much calmer. At twelve she was a tomboy and loved wrestling with her dad and brothers much more than playing princess with her eight year old cousin. Although Lily was always with them and could keep up just fine, she was still very much a girl and wore frilly dresses over shorts and tiaras in her hair. 

Bucky was quite enthralled with the shiny plastic crowns and Lily had leant him one which he’d promptly broken and cried over as though his heart would break. 

Ruth hoped the birthday party they were throwing him wouldn’t be too much. It was ten years since they’d legally adopted Bucky as an adult child. She was astounded at how fast time had gone. 

He was sleeping in his swing, holding his blanket and sucking his pacifier. She smiled. She would always have one baby. 

She walked softly to the window. She could see Steveon the wide expanse of green. The game of catch had been abandoned in favour of having races. She laughed softly.He might be Captain America to the world but to them he was just dad and he let them win regularly.Barely. He’d told her the other day that Evan was fast! 

Lily took a flying leap onto her Uncle’s back and he caught her, outrunning the others so she could “win”. It ended in a four to one wrestling match. 

Ruth was so content. Life was perfect. 

////

Bucky was dressed up in a white T-shirt and black jeans, a Paw Patrol bib around his neck and pacifier firmly tucked in his mouth. He held onto Steve, his eyes bright with curiosity.

The other kids excitedly bounced around their parents and brother impatiently as they made their way to the common kitchen. 

Serenity had rolled her eyes but agreed to wear a more girlie outfit than her usual ragged T-shirt and ripped jeans. 

The twins were dressed identically in black jeans and grey T-shirts. 

The family entered and the assembled crowd didn’t yell or cry out surprise. 

They waited for their young guest of honour to take it all in. 

Bucky’s eyes were huge as he looked around. “Da!! Paw!!” He pointed excitedly at a balloon. “Da!! Mo’ Paw!” He bounced a little on Steve’s hip. 

The adults chuckled at his excitement. 

Pepper pulled his high chair to the table. She had tied a balloon to it.

Bucky was fully entertained. He couldn’t quite figure out how to get the balloon. He would pull the string but let go to reach for the bright sphere only to have it bob out of reach again. 

When Steve put his birthday hat on ,however, he immediately pulled it off and tried to eat it. 

Dinner was hamburgers and fries. Ruth fed Bucky bites of hamburger along with his own dinner, and then broke a few fries and put them on his tray for him. He was still enthralled with the balloon and Steve’s paw patrol cup. 

Steve let him have the cup. 

He dropped his fries into it, babbling happily. 

Thor was happy to see everyone and completely floored at how big the kids had gotten. Evan and Elijah were both four feet tall at only seven. 

Serenity tried to arm wrestle Thor which made Bucky giggle and then he yelled, “Me! Un! Me!” 

So Thor arm wrestled Bucky too and fell to the floor in a dramatic show when Bucky “won” making the birthday boy chortle gleefully. 

Then they brought out the cake. Pepper set it close to Bucky, whose eyes grew wide with wonder at the Paw Patrol toys on it. 

They sang happy birthday quietly and Bucky enjoyed a large piece of his cake. 

Ruth groaned as he smeared icing and cake through his hair and into his ear. 

The presents were brought forth and all the kids got to help unwrap because otherwise they would have been there until Christmas. 

Bucky liked the bright blue paper and cried out indignantly when Steve took it out of his mouth. 

“You can’t eat paper, you goofy boy,” Ruth laughed. 

Serenity squeaked a new teether toy in his line of sight. “Look What Uncle Bruce got you!”

Bucky reached for the toy and it went straight to his mouth. 

Serenity patted his head. “Ewww! Mom! He has something gross in his hair!”

“Cake.” Steve and Ruth said together. 

There was laughter around the table. 

There were toys, new clothes, diapers, bibs, new bottles, everything Bucky could need or want. His favourite was the season of Paw Patrol DVDs from Auntie Pepper and Uncle Tony and Lily. 

Serenity bopped Tony lightly. “Now I’ll never get a break from that show!”

Tony grinned at her. “You know secretly you love it.”

“Oh yeah,” she said sarcastically. 

She grabbed a juice box and Bucky reached for her. “Enty, duice?”

“Where’s his bottle, mom?” She asked. 

Ruth motioned to the diaper bag on the side table.

Serenity got his bottle. “Here ya go Bu Bu.” She kissed his forehead, despite the cake. 

Lily and the boys were demonstrating each toy for him as he watched eagerly.

Ruth looked at Steve, in his element here, part of the Avengers, part of something great. And then it dawned on her. This was her world too. Steve was an Avenger, but he was also a husband and a dad. She was his. They.... She looked around at the smiling faces, the chattering children, were hers. Her family. 

She cleaned Bucky’s face when he started to whine and Steve took him out of his high chair. 

Bucky sat on his knee, happy to let the conversation wash around him as he drank his milk. 

Ruth smiled. It didn’t bother him that his siblings surpassed him in ability and mobility. All he had to do was make a noise to have them all at his side in a moment to help him get whatever his heart desired. 

Her heart melted as Steve gently lay his lips on Bucky’s head. 

It was the end of the line for these two old friends. She was glad to be there with them. 


End file.
